Reply
Sat 23 Nov, 2019 08:28 am
Purpose
I'm not searching for a label. I definitely don't want sympathy, and I'll likely take any judgements offered with a pinch of salt — if you don't mind, that is.
That out of the way, after twenty years of not understanding, repeatedly telling myself ignorance is bliss, that without understanding their can't be healing, attempting to resolve, failing, ensuing depression, anxieties (social being perhaps the most crippling of the range having set about me over the years), and generally all round '******ness', I'm now exploring this forum.
I arrive here almost completely without prior knowledge of this site; yet with a new sense of hope and a degree of trepidation as to what I might find, increasingly desperate for some clue or other which might illuminate the path to possible answers.
Context
I'm forty-five, married—and while not especially happily, it is at least amicable—three great kids, reasonable health, fitness and looks, a good job, house, and a fancy car. All in all not bad, if I do say so myself.
Issue
Sexually, I have always gotten my kicks from good-looking, slim, often older women and, here it is, men; more specifically and most importantly, men not necessarily good-looking or effeminate, dressed, not always convincingly, as women.
I've enjoyed countless sexual liaisons with men dressed as women, each limited in frequency to single sessions. I've never met a man not dressed as a women for sex.
Without question being at seriously unhealthy proportions, my porn viewing is almost exclusively trans, occasionally straight, very infrequently gay. A reasonable estimate of the ratio would be 95:4:1. I watch porn every day without fail, often for several hours.
Marriage
After 23 years together we remain good friends, but have zero interest in each other sexually. I could only ever get hard with her when thinking of another, often a man dressed as a women. We live together, we dine together, with share a life together; we sleep apart.
Question
How is it that I can feel 100% straight, fancy the panties off good-looking women, stare longingly and full of lust at sexy ladies I see on the street, at the beach, in the gym and on television; yet at the same time (not concurrently) experience a seemingly limitless desire to meet and have sex with men dressed as women.
I have performed full sex with lots of men. Unsure of its being relevant, I've done everything with men sexually. I'll spare your blushes, but there can't be much on the list of sexual acts and depravities that I haven't 'enjoyed' with a man.
I don't associate myself as being gay; nor do I see myself as being bisexual. You see, I don't fancy men. The attraction is only every present if a man is dressed as a woman. I have never wanted anything more than sex with a man dressed as women. After the act has finished there is nothing remaining other than satisfaction — like having eaten a good meal on an empty stomach. Finally, and no offence meant, but I have very limited tolerance for overtly camp men, and the gay scene is wonderful but isn't and never will be mine.
Request
Any help, guidance or constructive feedback will be gratefully accepted.
@danzibar,
Answer:
What difference does it make?
@chai2,
Is that the best you can offer?
@danzibar,
danzibar wrote:
Is that the best you can offer?
I agree with Chai. If you are having fulfilling sex, then why does the label matter?
If you really want a label, I would classify you as a cis-male femmephilic pansexual.
@danzibar,
danzibar wrote:
Is that the best you can offer?
What am I, or anyone supposed to offer?
Your life appears to be running well, you enjoy sex with men, believe you are straight.
What are people supposed to say/tell you?
Your life is your own, as as long as you don't harm anyone else, do what you want.
And you seem to know what you want.
You tell me.
What difference does it make?
@danzibar,
It's easiest to explain if you understand the bell curve. The bell curve appears to be accurate of just about any statistical distribution of human ability or character (look it up before reading further).
You can place Sexuality onto the bell curve. You will find that most people are heterosexual, and a small percentage are just pure gay/lesbian. But you will also find (if you understand the bell curve) that pure heterosexuality isn't as large a percentage as people think it is. The thing that makes it seem larger, is context, or more accurately, culture & religion (people wanting to be seen a certain way due to culture/religion, despite any drives/attractions). Within this curve, you come to understand that 'bi-sexuals' actually come from a spectrum that ranges anywhere from Hetero but mildly attracted to the same sex, to equally attracted to both sexes, all the the way to gut but mildly attracted to the opposite sex.
There's another modifier - pleasure related genes. Some people experience pleasure to a greater degree than others. These people are more likely to become addicted to drugs if they try them (they make up a higher per capita percentage of addicts). That is to say, if you have such a gene, then any attraction to the opposite sex can be magnified. And liaisons just for pleasure become more understandable.
Basically, you feeling 'straight' while having sex with other men is very explainable by the the bell curve, in combination with cultural influences. You aren't 100% 'straight', but you wish to see yourself that way, that is fine - though you should consider that this approach is due to the beliefs around you (ie the culture or religion) that you see as valuable, rather than reality.
@vikorr,
or playing games with people online and then demanding that they "don't know you!" like a kindergarten kid.
@chai2,
This is going to be fun to watch 😎 Danzibar borrowed somebody's shtick.
@glitterbag,
He did ask a question, and appears to have put a lot of effort into the question. Chai didn't answer the question itself, but rather gave a one line answer that essentially say 'who cares / you shouldn't care'...
...but obviously the OP does or he wouldn't have put such effort in.
I'm not surprised his response was 'is that the best you can offer'.
@vikorr,
vikorr wrote:
Chai didn't answer the question itself, but rather gave a one line answer that essentially say 'who cares / you shouldn't care'...
That is absolutely Not what I meant.
He never did answers what difference it makes, which would have been helpful in leading himself to his own answer.
I responded to his comment back to me, and I went further into the whys, and asked again.
How could anyone offer any sort of response without asking “what difference does it make?”
@vikorr,
I'm not surprised either, but for a different reason than you think. I suspect that complicated questions like the OP crafted are really just bait to engage others in a discussion that involves sharing of intimate, extremely personal details.....in other words, a shared fantasy perhaps, or a voyeuristic interest in experiencing others fantasies.
One of the first things anyone who signs up on this forum should learn is that there are no physicians or mental health experts here that will diagnose your issues and advise on them. Since the OP spent so much time imagining this scenario he/she would be better served talking to a professional.
Frankly, I think Chai's advice was perfect. I can't improve on it, and I give her credit for engaging. I don't understand why everyone who posts a such a complicated lurid question is surprised when they receive a blunt but fair response.
@danzibar,
danzibar wrote:
Is that the best you can offer?
""""""Purpose
I'm not searching for a label. I definitely don't want sympathy, and I'll likely take any judgements offered with a pinch of salt — if you don't mind, that is."""""""
You said you didn't want sympathy or a label, did you change your mind?
@glitterbag,
Quote: I suspect that complicated questions like the OP crafted are really just bait to engage others in a discussion that involves sharing of intimate, extremely personal details.....in other words, a shared fantasy perhaps, or a voyeuristic interest in experiencing others fantasies.
Possibly, although it really didn't come across that way - it appeared fairly straightforward to me. Older people tend to be a lot more straightforward, and he doesn't write like a young person.
As for there being no professionals on this forum - that's not obvious by the name of the forum, nor how it advertises itself (
Ask an expert. Ask questions, get answers.)
@vikorr,
The name of the Forum is unfortunate. It's more of a place to share ideas, ask questions, play games, talk about movies and such. It is a violation of the rules to offer medical advice as if you are a licensed medical professional....just check the rules.
It struck you as straightforward, yes me too, only I see it as a straightforward attempt to spend time discussing somewhat lurid material. It's ok if that's what he wants...but he can't expect everyone to know what he wants on the basis of how he phrased it. You read it one way, and I read it entirely different. This is not a criticism of you, we just arrive at this forum with different life experience, not better or worse, just different.
The OP said he's a male, said he's straight, said he enjoys sex with somewhat homely men dressed as women. I'm not trying to be difficult here, but you seem to underhand what it is he wants to discuss, perhaps you are in a better position to help. I can't offer anything more than Chai offered.
@vikorr,
I hadn’t said anything out of appreciation of getting some of the usual responses, as Vikkor as just done.
From the first reading, I definitely got the impression this was some writing a “Penthouse Forum” type of thing. Especially with all the allusions to how varied his sexual life is.
So yes, I feel he indeed Did come across that way. I’m glad GB brought that up.
I felt the response of “is that all you have to offer” was aimed at getting people started in discussing what he wanted. Sexual exploits.
As I said in my response (without looking back. I’m on my phone) he didn’t say anything about being unhappy or confused in his situation. So, considering that and other stuff, what difference does it indeed make.
You seem to think he was straight forward and wrote well. He wrote well enough to veil his intent to you. I could be wrong, but I think GB and I just immediately saw through that.
Finally, in his saying “is that all you have to offer?” He himself certainly wasn’t offering anything in the way of response to me, after I explained myself.
I’m fairly sure he went on to find someplace where someone immediately started offering potential solutions without seeking out exactly why he was looking for answers. That way he could get into specifics on his sex life, real or imagined, feeding off whatever they said.
I didn’t see where he presented any clear problem, and I think he did that on purpose.
He was given every opportunity to respond to both my first and 2nd communication.
@chai2,
vikorr wrote:Chai didn't answer the question itself, but rather gave a one line answer that essentially say 'who cares / you shouldn't care'...
chai2 wrote:That is absolutely Not what I meant.
And yet when you give a one line answer to a long post, then
‘who cares’ is how it will always come across as for any OP. And to many people
‘what does it matter’ is another way of saying
‘you shouldn’t care’ - particularly when given as a one line answer. You're intelligent. You know this. Just as you know that people who actually seek information use phrases like ‘What bothers you the most about this?”
chai2 wrote:I felt the response of “is that all you have to offer” was aimed at getting people started in discussing what he wanted. Sexual exploits.
And yet he didn’t go on to do that. In your view I guess, this will be because you didn't give him the opportunity to.
chai2 wrote:Finally, in his saying “is that all you have to offer?” He himself certainly wasn’t offering anything in the way of response to me, after I explained myself.
I’m not sure why you would think he would respond to the reply you gave to him. I doubt any person new to this forum would have.
@glitterbag,
Quote:It struck you as straightforward, yes me too, only I see it as a straightforward attempt to spend time discussing somewhat lurid material. It's ok if that's what he wants...but he can't expect everyone to know what he wants on the basis of how he phrased it. You read it one way, and I read it entirely different. This is not a criticism of you, we just arrive at this forum with different life experience, not better or worse, just different.
I've no drama with this at all. That is as it should be.
Quote:I'm not trying to be difficult here
I didn't think you were.
Quote:but you seem to underhand what it is he wants to discuss, perhaps you are in a better position to help
My first post in this thread offered an explanation.
@chai2,
vikorr wrote:I’m not sure why you would think he would respond to the reply you gave to him. I doubt any person new to this forum would have.
chai2 wrote:And yet again you ignore the fact I wrote something of greater length, which I guess indicates what? Better quality? Better answer?
He responded to your first post. My quote above relates to your second 'explained' post. To me, when read in conjunction with the first, it comes across as abrasive (meaning other people can see it that way too). It doesn't appear that you want an answer, and just as importantly, it appears that you can't offer an answer...so why should he have responded to it?
As for your defence of your original post...once again, you're intelligent enough to know that what I said was correct - many people would take it in the way I mentioned. Being stubborn about it doesn't change such.
@vikorr,
Hey, I’m the one responding to you without name calling. I’m explaining myself. I’m the only one who can do that.
I prefer that to letting you tell me what I meant, how I meant it, and well as what others meant and how.
Maybe you should let others tell you what their meaning was, rather than you telling them.
If you want to see direct communication and questions as any of the negative attributes you’ve assigned me, that’s on you.
Honestly? It’s really annoying for a complete stranger to tell me my thoughts.
Was that a long enough response for you?
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