I know what you guys are saying but this stuff always makes me itch. It's just impossible to know, and I don't consider it any particular skin off my nose if I offer advice to someone who is making up a story. It could still help someone who comes across it later.
But especially, I can't stand to see someone who really might be sincere getting ganged up on by the wink-wink nudge-nudge crowd. A whole lot of people come here via Google; "My husband watches too much porn" or "my husband is abusing me", or whatever. It makes sense that in that case their first post would be about the advice they seek. A whole lot of those that we have gotten here have the ring of authenticity to me.
On the internet, nobody knows you're a dog, and from very early on I've taken everything with a grain of salt -- but the alternative (rampant suspicion, not offering advice because the person might be lying) is unattractive to me.
Right, Soz. I had to be reminded of Fred. Another thing that pisses me off is when a person takes the time to comment or help someone, and they never return to say thanks.
Phoenix32890 wrote:Sanctuary- I am certainly glad that you matured out of that phase of life.
I am curious. Why did you do those things? I know that it was immaturity, but what were you thinking when you wrote those things? What were you attempting to do? I have a good idea of the answer, but I would like to know from your perspective.
For attention, for pity. To have people say "oh, you poor thing," even if the person they thought they were being sympathetic towards wasn't
me. I look back and think that I must have been just really deprived of something. I don't remember feeling any lonelieness or anger, but thinking back to how I used to act and behave, I can see now that I was depressed and suffering from a mixture of incidents at the time. But I have no clue whethe that is a factor in the reasonings behind the people who (supposedly) come on here and do the exact things I used to do or not. I just wanted attention.
I'm with you, soz. I don't think it ever hurts to practice empathy. Who knows. Maybe, when I respond, it does me more good than them. I'd rather err on the side of kindness.
Also, look at how many views these threads have, compared to the number of posters. I think it's likely that others are reading (and perhaps even learning) from our advice.
Yup! I think that's been said explicitly a few times -- "I was impressed with your advice for ____, so wanted to ask my own question..."
I'm not much good at giving advice, except of the "you know dang well
what to do, so do it" variety. But I greatly admire the "wise women" of
A2K who are always ready to offer sympathy and sage counsel even to
those they suspect may be posers. You gals are great, don't ever lose
that spirit!
I've noticed a lot of the M and R posters do say thank you at some point.
Some people who are prolific posters now did start with a question there.
Generally speaking, most people who post on a2k stay in their forum of interest and don't look around - few new members become seasoned members who post on several forums.
The all-one-paragraph posts drive me crazy too, as do the "u cud 2" posts.
I try to stay on the side of giving advice because someone out there might get something out of it. There are certain threads that I find ludicrous and my mother's voice shouts to me, "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing." Mom always was pretty good at advice so I try to listen to her even now.
There are a couple threads running that I can't read anymore because they make me want to throttle someone. Rather than get my bp up I just stop reading them.
We've had a Period of Porn.
We've had Variations of "I'm in love with a Married Man."
What are the Google bots doing to feature next?
Porn and extra-marital fornication can both difficult subjects to discuss with family and friends. The Internet is "safer".
Personally, I have no patience with the Nu Spel people, no matter how anguished they may be. I'm not crazy about the posters who feel that mental anguish suspends the rules of capitalization and punctuation.
As for the long, long, one paragraph outpourings of soul, I figure that just writing all that down was theraputic for the lovelorn and that kinder souls will provide advice and feedback.
I've been successfully played for a fool dozens of times in my life. A few more times won't wreck my ego.
Interesting thread Phoenix.
Soz - that was an excellent post.
Sad to say that I have been on the side of the fence that refused to give anyone advice online. I felt used and taken advantage of.
A friend of mine introduced me to yahoo chat. She knew how much I love to sing and I had no idea that you go into a chat room and actually sing your heart out from the comfort of your own computer instead of karaoke bars.
In doing so - I met alot of people that became my friends. Some of which I have personally met offline. These friends, in their sincerity, were always pm'ing me and asking me to help so and so. They were in an abusive relationship and their plea was desperate.
Of course I would.
Only time after time - in the end, I would find out none of it was true. Of which I could never understand why anyone would make up such things. It still boggles my mind.
I can't even begin to tell you how draining it can be to pour every ounce of everything you have inside - into helping someone and they didn't need it to begin with. The nights I lost sleep - because I stayed up late on yahoo messenger trying to calm someone down. Trying to give them reasons to want to live. Trying to convince them to leave their abuser.
It was so draining. There were times I would go to work with no strength left for myself, because I gave it all to someone else. And for what?
So one day - I said "no more." It would have been ok - if the tiredness I felt inside -from helping someone else and having to constantly relive my own past - actually was for the good of someone. But it truely wasn't. All it was doing - was hurting me.
So, yeah.......I have been guilty of turning my back. Did I feel any better for it? No.
There was still that little nagging thought in my mind - "What if they really do need someone to listen and to talk to?"
Alot of things changed my mind over the course of a few months. So, in the end.......... I told myself this: "If they are just using me to keep some elaborate story going..... there are still some things to be gained."
Those things were - simply allowing my own personal growth , through the touch of one human heart to the other. And there can't be any harm in that.
So......I carry on. If something touches me and I feel compelled to try and help, I do. And I like myself a whole lot better for doing so.
You always have nice, thoughtful posts on the R and M forum, brooke, I'm always happy to see your avatar (such a sweet smile) and know you've joined in on a thread.
What I've noticed is that it's at least easy to avoid the silly "n then he sed n then i sed" posts because the titles are always as unreadable as the post itself... "PLZ READ DIS!!!! HELP!!!"
By the way, if I forgot to say it before, thanks to those of you who responded to
my relationship question, most of you are on this thread! You're all such nice people.
SEEEE! Dora joined us, to the benefit of us and her.
The thing about the threads here, that others have mentioned, is that there probably are silent readers with real problems - even if some are spurious.
I am sure of a few of those, but mostly I think various threads are real, or near real.
On the grammar and lack of writing ability, I can remember a few people learning as they posted (okay, I've been around a while, and it's "a few" or "several").
I can't imagine, or can barely imagine, how much lucidity a site like this would have added to my teen years - if I had read a range of posts in a range of forums.
Dora ....... that was a very sweet thing to say, and I thank you!
brooke-- it's true! ((hugs))
osso-- If i'd only come for relationship advice, I might not have stuck around, but I actually first found the site while looking for the rest of that funny little poem that starts, "As I was walking up the stair,/ I met a man who wasn't there"... so I knew right away that there is SO much to a2k besides advice on relationships!
I think the people who find it because they Google "husband looking at porn" just aren't that likely to find or be interested in all the other fun forums. Most of them seem sincere to me, but they just want to talk a little about their issue and then they're done.
The main one I ever thought was fishy was that whole "dave and/or nicole" thing... I think I'm safe in saying that was fishy!
Some are certainly fishy.
And some topics have generated real long time posters. I admit, not often.
There is a current post by a "gentleman" complaining of the changing mood of his married lover.
This one set off alarm bells because the 'gentleman" fell into the chiches of True Romance fiction.
Did I raise a hue and cry? Did I confront the miscreant? Nay--I just scrolled past.
I rarely give advice on these problem threads, as I am a bit useless in that department, but I do tend to read them, just out of concern for the person.
It cheers me up to see the amount of people on A2K with a good heart, and nine times out of ten, some good advice is given and the problem, if not solved, is at least analyzed thoroughly. The author, if serious about the problem, cannot fail to recognize that there are caring people out there who are offering support....and that can only be a good thing.
The only way I can tell if it is a fake or not, is to see what the "wise" people are posting. I am too much of a sucker in life really....I think that everyone is being genuine, and cannot get my head around why some people would be so wierd as to do this sort of hoaxing for amusement.
Wise people I look for are Noddy and Sozobe usually, but seeing this thread I realise I forgot about Pheonix (sorry).....and Heeven is coming into the frame as well.
Bella dea is also very wise, but her posts tend to be a bit too steamy for me, so I never finish them, as I have to go and take a cold shower.
hiya, im a teenager, i probably wrote some threads but i think it was for affirmation, comfort, and advice, as i felt i couldnt talk to anyone else about it. i guess i dont give advice on other threads alot because i dont feel as experienced as most other people here.
