Married, should I stay or go?

maybe get a massage? (its the best) plus it could help you relax a little bit. i can't imagine how hard this must be for you, but i am so impressed by your resillience (sp?). the support is here in droves...whenever you need us!

0 Replies

lilred wrote:

His brothers told me that they have told him it is time to move on and he has said he can't. If I would just give him another chance......I know he did not go to work yesterday or today so I guess he taking time to think. I hope anyway.

I think since he did not get to talk at me yesterday that he will try tonight. He literally has been unable in the past to not talk at me for more than a few hours. So I think it will be long bad night but I hope I am wrong.

I am scared, nervous, a little sad (kids plus the 18 years of trying...) and trying to be positive that it will work out that I will be happy eventually, someday.

I was told by my sister that I should do something I like to do to help put me in a better mood and I realized I don't know what I like anymore. I gave up everything I liked to do years ago because he thinks everything is stupid and a waste of time so we do all of his likes. I have been wracking my brain and I still can't figure out something I would like to do! That is pitiful.

Er, if you don't mind my asking, are you going to talk to him on the phone, or with a lot of other people nearby? I'd strongly advise you NOT to be alone with him right now!

That said, your sister has a good point, but let me say you're not the only woman to have given up all of her own interests for the sake of "saving a relationship." I see it, sadly, a lot.

This is kinda good news, because you get to explore everything... go to the library and check out topics of interest to you, try all sorts of hobbies and activities to get you back in touch with yourself and your kids.

You've changed a lot, so you might like something that didn't interest you years ago, so try 'em all! Then come here and tell us about them all!

BUT FIRST, BE SAFE!

0 Replies

If you have a restraining order, why would you have a long night on confrontation ahead of you? If he shows up on your doorstep, call 911, if he wants to meet you somewhere, you can say no. If he calls, you can hang up. I know it's hard to think in terms of being the one in charge right now but these first few days will probably be the hardest. Eventually you will gain back the security of knowing he isn't controlling the situation any more.

Have the counselors at the shelter given you tips on how to get through these first few days? What are their thoughts on having personal contact with him?

0 Replies

I agree with J_B and BK. Don't see him alone. Nothing good can come of it. You will wind up hurt, if not physically, then certainly emotionally.

The man is hurting. I could be empathetic and say that all change is painful, or I could be blunt and say it's damn well his turn to be the hurt one. But either way, the fact is that he's losing control over his family here. And controlling types will do all sorts of irrational things to maintain control.

He's hurting, and hurting people invariably hurt others. I'd make sure whenever I talked to him that there were other people around.

0 Replies

And, the weak point is your feelings for him, which I understand. Still, be strong, and have friends and relatives around, cell phone, etc. A restraining order doesn't work if you violate it yourself.
Well, the duenas of the crisis haven are a help on all this.

Local people are very important.
He needs counselling. But you and your children need out now.

BK, people who post here for the first few times aren't in line for pm privileges, those come with many posts.
Or, to correct myself, I think you, if you have pm priv, can pm her, but not she back to you. Y'might as well just talk here.

0 Replies

I'm sure your restraining order was served ex parte.

Doesn't matter how bad he wants to talk to you....any communication is in violation of the order. That includes the phone, emails, fax, etc.

What you REALLY need to be careful of is following this order, yourself. No contact......means no contact.

If you would decide to contact him ....... he can turn that around and use it against you in the court system. Abusers are manipulative. They'll grab ahold of any outlet and use it.

Don't give him one. Smile

I sit here with a smile......and a hug that wants to reach out to you. I am soooooooooooo PROUD of you !!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((((((((((((( lilred )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

0 Replies

I think I need to clarify what I said about you not contacting him.

Even though the order is to keep him from contacting you......... if you were to contact him, he can tell the courts. They in turn frown deeply on such things. If you have a pissy judge, he may not take you seriously and it could hurt your case.

It's for your protection.......and they want both parties to follow it to the letter.

As it should be.

0 Replies

Listen to Brooke. Don't talk with him at this point. At all.

0 Replies

I know this sounds harsh and is harsh to you too. But, there is a malfunctioning system here, and the idea is to stop it and equilibrate. Equilibrate being a large word for let things gel, with silence.

0 Replies

OK, now I'm worried. Please check in, lilred, just to let us know you're OK!

Does anybody know how a protective stay differs from a restraining order? Is is possible her speaking to him would not be a violation of the stay?

We often have women speaking to ex-partners under injunctions... for visitation of children, arranging who pays what bills, selling the marital home & assets, etc.

Our shelter doesn't stop her from speaking to him, but lengthy contact is very strongly discouraged. A short phone call is usually enough to arrange whatever needs to be arranged.

Anyway, I wonder how much state laws vary from one another? I'm only familiar with Florida laws.

(Osso, I plum forgot about new folk being unable to PM! Duh!)

0 Replies

I am so sorry I did not get a chance to reply yesterday. It was a little crazy the night before, he did not contact me but had a couple of friends come over that I had to make leave. Not fun.

My work place is also being awesome. They gave me a cell phone to use (I do not have one), if I need to call 911, they gave his picture to the security people and gave me a certain place to park so they can watch out for me. They also bought me mace.

Last night I was kinda depressed and very...jeesh, life sucks kinda mood but I am better today. For now anyway. When does all the hard stuff start to get easier?

0 Replies

oh lilred, my heart is hurting for you. i hope things start getting a little better for you soon. at least you know you and your children are safer.

i am so impressed by your work. Their support is amazing and awesome. i would rank them #1 best place to work! just remember that nothing worth doing is easy, and we are all here for you! i wish we could suck all the bad feelings away for you! just like everyone else did---big hugs to your and your kids

0 Replies

So glad to hear you're OK, lilred!

Your workplace sounds wonderfully supportive, and that can't hurt. It wasn't long ago that an employer would consider this a "family issue" and try hard to ignore it.

Things will no doubt be hard for you for a while, but not for long. You're in the midst of big life changes, which is always hard, but things are getting better for you! Really, you're making them better!

No reason not to start exploring, even now, anything that might interest you. You can get to know you again, finally!

I'm really happy for you, lilred, and wish you the best of happiness for your new and better life!

0 Replies

Thanks for the hugs and support. I so appreciate being able to vent and yak my heart out.

My 13 year old seems to be handling things ok, it is harder on my 2 girls who are 6 & 8. They keep asking when Daddy is coming home even though I have said he is not. I said he needs to get some help so he isn't so "cranky" all the time and that Daddy and Mommy will be better people not living in the same house. They just don't quite get it yet.

As for me, I am just too tired to think what I want to do yet. I have been asked by casual work people on how I am losing weight so fast. I would hate to tell them the diet plan is stress. So I don't really answer at all.

0 Replies

Married, should I stay or go?

Related Topics

Quick Links

My Account

able2know