Married, should I stay or go?

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I have been married for 18 years to a man who has been both verbally and physically abusive. We have 3 kids, 13 and under. I should have left a long time ago but I did not. Now I am ready to go but he swears he will really change this time.

He has gotten better on the physical, it has been almost a year since any real harm has been done but the verbal is still really bad. I don't love him anymore but it is so hard.

He keeps pointing out that we have kids together and they need 2 parents together and I have to wonder, should I wait until the youngest (6) is older and can handle it better?

For days he has been begging and crying for me to give him a fair chance. I feel I have given him many chances by staying for the last 18 years. Even his parents have told me that he is 40, he is not going to change and that I should leave. Do I stay and try to make it work?

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Your children do not need the example of an abusive relationship. You say you don't love your husband anymore, and you're ready to leave. Don't let his emotional blackmail prevent you from doing what you know is right. No one deserves to live with an abusive partner, and you've given him more than enough chances to change.

He physically abused you for 17 years? Horribly tragic. You're lucky to be alive. Leave the bastard. Don't continue to be his scapegoat and his victim.

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I agree -- and will add that you shouldn't have to put up with verbal abuse, either, even if the physical abuse has stopped.

Divorce is nearly always hard on kids -- but being witness to an abusive relationship is even harder.

Good luck.

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I know I should leave. I truthfully don't think he will change. I had him arrested a few years ago. He kept having the kids tell me how he needed to come home and I caved because they cried a lot. We did all the counseling and things were good for about 3 months. I just need to get a backbone.

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I think you already have it, just needs a little fortifying perhaps.

Are you worried about what will happen once you make it final, how he would react?

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Yes. He keeps telling me I have to love him and if I will just let him, he can make me love him. Kinda crazy stuff.

I know I can handle it, but can he? Or should I say will he handle it without flipping on me?

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It might be good to talk to an expert about these things, get some safeguards in place. I think it's clear that you shouldn't stay with him, but I don't want to advise you to do anything dangerous -- there are professionals who can help you extricate yourself in the safest manner possible.

Even if you are not currently being physically abused, a battered women's shelter or hotline would probably be a good place to start.

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He's a user. Don't let him ruin your life any longer. He's weak. It's disgusting. He uses your children as pawns because he's not man enough to face his problems and speak for himself. Read your own words again. He's gotten away with too much already:

lilred wrote:

I know I should leave. I truthfully don't think he will change. I had him arrested a few years ago. He kept having the kids tell me how he needed to come home and I caved because they cried a lot. We did all the counseling and things were good for about 3 months. I just need to get a backbone.

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lilred wrote:

Yes. He keeps telling me I have to love him and if I will just let him, he can make me love him. Kinda crazy stuff.

I know I can handle it, but can he? Or should I say will he handle it without flipping on me?

Lilred, these words sound like yet another round of verbal abuse. You HAVE to love him and he will MAKE you?

Neither you nor your children should be exposed to this man. Your phone book should have a listing for a battered women's hotline. There are people there who will give you guidance on making the first important steps.

Good luck to you.

{{{lilred}}}

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It was a very bad, long weekend. I called the crisis center today and they are helping me with things.

I have a feeling this will be the longest, hardest week of my life. His own mom and dad told me that they do not know how I have been able to stay this long and that they are behind me.

Thank you so much for giving me encouraging words. It helps so much!

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That's wonderful that you have contacted the crisis center and that you have things in motion. Best of luck, lilred.

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lilred, we are all here to support you! you are doing the right thing. i once heard that nothing worth doing is easy. just think of how much better you and your children will be without him.

good luck! we are all pulling for you.

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Lilred, the road to freedom is paved with hardships. But you will make it and you will look back one day and smile because you did it!!

Good luck! We are all here pulling for you!

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Children being raised in a household with an abuser (verbal OR physical) will learn that abuse is normal and can be tolerated. I don't think that's a lesson you want to teach them, lilred. Is it? Do you really want your children to grow up to be abusers or to be abused themselves?

Yes, you're right, this is going to be very difficult. But you can do it. Your husband has already proved that he will not stop abusing you just because he's getting counseling or has good intentions.

He's just making noises now to keep you from leaving. And you're not required to listen. You've listened enough. It's time for you to think of what's best for yourself and your children.

I'm glad to hear you've contacted a women's center for local support, and please do keep us up on how it's going. We care what happens.

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Yesterday I got a protective stay, kind of like a restraining order. His brothers came over and removed all of his clothes and tools, etc.

My 13 year old son told me he understood that his dad was mean to me and as he put it "no fun to be around, because when dad is in a good mood it's like you pay for it after", those were his words. Really helped enforce that this has got to be done now.

Very hard and scary. I drove to work looking over my shoulder for him. I feel like a jumpy cat but I guess that is normal.

Again thank you all for supporting me. I haven't told any of my friends or people at work yet (other than my boss as I felt that is necessary). Just seems to hard to put it all into words and then I will just cry all over the place and I so hate that.

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Good to hear you got a protective stay, lilred! And also that your brothers helped out! Very good move!

As you're seeing with the 13 year old, kids understand more than we give them credit for. Now you're teaching them NOT to tolerate abuse, and that's a far, far better lesson.

We have a couple of members here on A2K that work/have worked in women's shelters. They can give you good advice. But I'm glad you have a local center that you can reach for immediate contact. Don't hesitate to call them. That's what they're there for.

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way to go lilred. good luck!

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lilred wrote:

Yesterday I got a protective stay, kind of like a restraining order. His brothers came over and removed all of his clothes and tools, etc.

My 13 year old son told me he understood that his dad was mean to me and as he put it "no fun to be around, because when dad is in a good mood it's like you pay for it after", those were his words. Really helped enforce that this has got to be done now.

Very hard and scary. I drove to work looking over my shoulder for him. I feel like a jumpy cat but I guess that is normal.

Again thank you all for supporting me. I haven't told any of my friends or people at work yet (other than my boss as I felt that is necessary). Just seems to hard to put it all into words and then I will just cry all over the place and I so hate that.

I'm so glad to hear you're reaching for your freedom! And you're right, it IS hard and frightening. Most big life changes are that way, even if they're changes for the better.

Since you've left (and you've probably heard this before) NOW is the time of your greatest danger. So maybe you SHOULD be looking over your shoulder. A cell phone with you at all times wouldn't hurt, nor would a loud compressed-air horn, or a pepper spray. Better safe than sorry!

I'm one of those folks who works in a local shelter for female victims of domestic violence, so feel free to PM (Private Message) me if you need help, OK?

We're all rooting for you here on A2K! YOU GO, WOMAN! Smile

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It's good to hear you've made this important first step, lilred. I'm glad your children understand and aren't trying to push you back to your husband.

I know what you mean about not being able to confide in your friends and work mates. None of us here have any interest in passing judgement and you can come here and let go of the things you're keeping pent up inside. Go ahead and vent here all you want.

Do you have any feedback on how your husband is reacting to this? Did his brothers share anything with you about how he's coping? I don't blame you for being jumpy.

{{{sending warm thoughts and best wishes your way}}}

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His brothers told me that they have told him it is time to move on and he has said he can't. If I would just give him another chance......I know he did not go to work yesterday or today so I guess he taking time to think. I hope anyway.

I think since he did not get to talk at me yesterday that he will try tonight. He literally has been unable in the past to not talk at me for more than a few hours. So I think it will be long bad night but I hope I am wrong.

I am scared, nervous, a little sad (kids plus the 18 years of trying...) and trying to be positive that it will work out that I will be happy eventually, someday.

I was told by my sister that I should do something I like to do to help put me in a better mood and I realized I don't know what I like anymore. I gave up everything I liked to do years ago because he thinks everything is stupid and a waste of time so we do all of his likes. I have been wracking my brain and I still can't figure out something I would like to do! That is pitiful.

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Married, should I stay or go?

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