Late-Night Talk Show Jokes About Hussein & War w/ Iraq

"More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy — he's one of their own." —Jay Leno

"The U.S. and several of our allies have been trying to secretly to convince Saddam Hussein to step down from power and go into exile forever. It's called 'Operation Al Gore.'" —Jay Leno

"Yesterday, Saddam Hussein got 100 percent of the vote. Well, that's according to Saddam's campaign manager, Jeb Hussein." —Jay Leno

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

"In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education – anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing? He finally comes up with a domestic agenda – and it's for Iraq. Maybe we could bring that here if it works out." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?" —Jay Leno

"The New York Times is reporting that the Bush administration has a post-war plan to turn Iraq into a democracy. If the plan works it might be tried in Florida." —Conan O'Brien

"Bush said he wants a change so that the people of Iraq will be allowed to choose their own leaders. Good luck, we can't even get the people of Florida to choose their own leaders." —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"In an interview with Dan Rather, Saddam has challenged President Bush to a live, televised debate. I think this would be fair, since English is a second language to both of them." —Jay Leno

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan says he can think of no reason to attack Iraq right now. I can think of five off the top of my head: Shell, Exxon, Mobil, Texaco and BP." —Jay Leno

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." —Jay Leno

"President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?" —Jay Leno

"Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news — they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel." —David Letterman

"The latest rumor is the United States is working behind the scenes to try to find a 'safe haven' for Saddam Hussein. See if he agrees to step down and leave Iraq, we will relocate him. What a nightmare, where are you going to send a guy who thinks America is a nest of greedy imperialists intent on bleeding the third world of all their resources? I mean, besides Berkeley?" —Jay Leno

"It's like they're the Wal-Mart of evil." —Jon Stewart, commenting on President Bush's description of Iraq as a country that "gathers the most serious dangers of our age in one place."

"More and more information coming out on Saddam Hussein. We now know that he has, like, 24 presidential palaces. Each one of these palaces of Saddam's has a dolphin pool and an amusement park. Well, if you didn't think this guy was creepy before — now he's starting to sound like Michael Jackson." —David Letterman

"A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father." —Jay Leno

Isn't it funny how people say they'll never grow up to be their parents, then one day they look in the mirror and they're moving aircraft carriers into the Gulf region?" —from The Onion's "question man" about President Bush's plans for war with Iraq