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Sat 26 Oct, 2019 11:42 am
Hey everyone,
Question from an 18-year-old student:
I've been hanging out with this guy I like for a while. Last week I went to his house and things escalated. We made out, he went down on me and fingered me (which was very painful because when I masturbate I never go inside, I just do clitoral stimulation) and I gave him a blowjob. He wanted to have sex with me but I was still a virgin so I told him no. It was a very good night, we cuddled a lot and I felt comfortable. The next day, after thinking a lot, I texted him to tell him I wanted to lose my virginity to him, I had had a very good time with him and wanted to take it to the next level. So we made plans for me to come to his house again the next day. We just hung out for a while and at one point obviously things started getting heated. We were making out and then he guided me to his bed. After making out for a while he wanted to have sex right away without foreplay. I thought that was a little risky because it would be very painful but I went with it. He did not want to put a condom on because he said it would be more painful for me since he wouldn't know how deep he is, but I asked him to put one on anyway until he did. When he tried to put it in it did not work and I asked him to stop because I didn't feel ready yet in that exact moment, but he didn't listen and kept trying. I kept tensing up because I was scared. I asked him if we could take a break but he said no. After trying for a while it still did not work, so he put me on my stomach and held me down so I couldn't push him away. I kept asking him to wait but he forced it in and it was the most painful thing I had ever felt. I cried and screamed and he kept going. He also took the condom off. He put me in various positions but they were all equally painful. After a while he stopped and cuddled me, saying he was proud. But then he wanted to do it again, I said no please but he insisted. I kept asking him when he was done and when he would cum, I asked him to stop because I couldn't take anymore and he told me to wait and held his hand over my mouth. He finally came (not inside me). I was crying. He cuddled me for a while and we just talked. I wasn't sure how to feel, I was exhausted. I'm still incredibly sore right now and still don't know how to feel. I agreed to go to his house and I wanted to lose my virginity to him, so is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Should I go get checked? Also, he's 10 years older than me, I don't know if that's an important detail but I thought I would mention it. Thank you in advance for your replies. I am trying to make sense of this situation. I'm usually very smart about these things but now I feel naive.
Legal definition says it’s rape when there is penetration without consent. But there was consent from you, and he will argue that you even set it all up.
There was “ Date rape” for sure - he didn’t stop when told to.
He’s a creep and an assaulter.
Im sorry you had to go through this and hope you can find a Womens Center to counsel you in what steps you should (or want to) take.
@aloy123,
Consent stopped once you made it clear you didn't want to proceed.
@jespah,
jespah wrote:
Consent stopped once you made it clear you didn't want to proceed.
Love that silliness there is in fact a case of a young man who took all of 40 seconds or so to withdraw after his partner change her mind an he was convinced of rape.
Such women should have a warning tattoo on their foreheads that they had been known to change their minds in the middle of the act an then cried rape .
Last comment if you need to ask if you been rape it is highly likely you had not been rape.
@BillRM,
I suppose we can expect others to show up with sensible advice on horrible 'lovemaking' by piggish brutes. Ahhhhhh, romance is definitely not in the air.
@BillRM,
BillRM wrote:Last comment if you need to ask if you been rape it is highly likely you had not been rape.
At 18, the poster is asking for guidance. She has told of an experience that she endured a horrific sexual encounter and needs advise on the next step. If your advise is no, she has not been raped, then you could assist in how she can take steps to make the next time she has sex less traumatic.
If your advise is yes, she has been raped, as I do, then you can counsel the poster to seek help from a trauma unit and file a police report.
What one does not do in these situations is to make a poster feel like this is a natural occurrence or that it's her fault this happened.
@glitterbag,
The question is it romanced act or ground for the act to ruin someone life are not one and the same question.
It hardly asking too must for a woman to be sure before granting permission for intercourse.
@neptuneblue,
neptuneblue wrote:
BillRM wrote:Last comment if you need to ask if you been rape it is highly likely you had not been rape.
At 18, the poster is asking for guidance. She has told of an experience that she endured a horrific sexual encounter and needs advise on the next step. If your advise is no, she has not been raped, then you could assist in how she can take steps to make the next time she has sex less traumatic.
If your advise is yes, she has been raped, as I do, then you can counsel the poster to seek help from a trauma unit and file a police report.
What one does not do in these situations is to make a poster feel like this is a natural occurrence or that it's her fault this happened.
Suggest she is sure one hundred sure before next granting someone permission to have intercourse an do not made someone future depend on her changing mind.
@BillRM,
BillRM wrote:Suggest she is sure one hundred sure before next granting someone permission to have intercourse.
Do you normally have sex with someone who is crying and has asked you to stop?
@aloy123,
It sounds like you're trying to create some kind of silver lining to this incident by way of accepting part of the responsibility for your own rape. In reality, there is no silver lining. The fact is that your pain was not a concern to him. Now that the smoke has cleared, all that is left is your pain and his indifference to it. How will you respond to this truth?
@BillRM,
Sooooooo, why ruin his life just because he brutalized her? Are you seriously asking that question? Are you under the impression this was the first time this guy handled a woman like he did that 18 year old. If he had any sense of proportion, knowing this girl was a virgin he would have behaved like a normal man and not a rutting pig. He couldn't care less if his partner enjoys anything about his sexual performance, he's not making love, he needs to be violent in order to stay aroused. Thats why all the bullshit 'cuddles' every so often. he needed a break to regain an erection...All that screaming thru his fingers over her mouth was probably a turn off...at least for a little while.
Maybe men like this should have a tattoo on their forehead warning potential partners 'I will penetrate you without foreplay and I don't care if I rip you apart...this might be the last time I ever get to be alone with a woman'. Unless I start breaking into women's homes when they are alone.
@BillRM,
Quote:Suggest she is sure one hundred sure before next granting someone permission to have intercourse an do not made someone future depend on her changing mind.
That guy's future depends on
his behavior; specifically
his way of handling frustration.
He took it out on her.
He attained the object of
his sexual desire by using force. In the civilized world, we call that
rape.
@Glennn,
Most acquaintance rapes go unreported, obviously this girl fears she invited this because she initially agreed. She needs to see a rape counselor and get tested for STD's..hopefully she will get the help she needs. Reporting a rape to the police is a heartbreaking experience and I would not insist she report it...but only because it's often more destructive to the victim than the perpetrator. But she does need help to understand why someone would treat her in such a degrading fashion (he was a pig, it's not her fault he's a pig) and also so that she can eventually have a healthy sex life.
@glitterbag,
I agree. It is unfortunate that there are lawyers who will stand up for these kinds of pigs who believe that no one has a right to change their mind. I'm actually quite shocked to hear BillRM defending the rapist in this case.
If someone had walked in on the OP's rape and dragged the guy off her, I wonder if BillRM would consider it appropriate to charge that person with assault and battery.
@Glennn,
Well, I'm not shocked....he actually believes the ugly stuff he says...he's been saying it for years.
@glitterbag,
And a Latin lover he is not!
@glitterbag,
And certainly not a chic magnet, yukkie pooh
aloy123 wrote:When he tried to put it in it did not work and I asked him to stop because I didn't feel ready yet in that exact moment, but he didn't listen and kept trying. I kept tensing up because I was scared. I asked him if we could take a break but he said no. After trying for a while it still did not work, so he put me on my stomach and held me down so I couldn't push him away. I kept asking him to wait but he forced it in and it was the most painful thing I had ever felt. I cried and screamed and he kept going. He also took the condom off. He put me in various positions but they were all equally painful. After a while he stopped and cuddled me, saying he was proud. But then he wanted to do it again, I said no please but he insisted. I kept asking him when he was done and when he would cum, I asked him to stop because I couldn't take anymore and he told me to wait and held his hand over my mouth.
No consent = Rape
So yes, that is rape.
aloy123 wrote:I agreed to go to his house and I wanted to lose my virginity to him, so is it my fault?
No. Not your fault.
aloy123 wrote:Did I do something wrong?
No.
aloy123 wrote:Should I go get checked?
Yes. Preferably at someplace experienced with dealing with rape victims. And sooner is better than later.
Try to avoid showering or bathing until then. If you wash away evidence, you will limit your options when you decide how you want to proceed.
If you've already showered or bathed, don't panic. Just don't do it anymore until you get checked out, and get checked out as soon as possible.
@aloy123,
Yes, what you are describing is clearly rape. You asked him to stop. He didn't stop. He pushed you down and forced you. He took the condom off without your consent. Any of these things is the legal definition rape.
If someone is screaming and crying and the other person doesn't immediately stop whatever they are doing... that is violence. A decent person doesn't do that.
What you are describing is rape.
@maxdancona,
maxdancona wrote:
Yes, what you are describing is clearly rape. You asked him to stop. He didn't stop. He pushed you down and forced you. He took the condom off without your consent. Any of these things is the legal definition rape.
If someone is screaming and crying and the other person doesn't immediately stop whatever they are doing... that is violence. A decent person doesn't do that.
What you are describing is rape.
Oh for the good old days when the law did not allow the withdrawing of consent in the middle of the act.
There is even a name for this so call rape it is call postpenetration rape but so far no one have given how many seconds a man have to withdraw after she informed her partner that her consist is cancel.
In fact the state of SC still does not allow the changing of the mind in the middle of intercourse.
Still looking for an old news story of a young man who took all of a minute or so to withdraw after permission was cancel and the court decided that a minute was too long and convicted him of rape.
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