May-December Romances

Sorry SheWolf, no. You're right, I am just afraid. I really would love to tell my mother... it's such a burden to lie. But I am more afraid of the consequences.

I hate not having control of my life. I know I sound like every teenager that's ever been on the face of the planet when I say that, but it's true. The issues between my family and I are deep, and I often feel as if they are not deserving of dominating my every move. But that is another issue I suppose.

Thank you for encouraging me to be honest, SheWolf. I want to be. I just don't know how to get to that step without breaking down.

If you were twenty, it would be a totally different ball game. Point of fact here young lady is people in general who have experienced life, are giving you sensible advice. Your simply throwing teenage tantrums back at it.

Looks like you had better get on with that then.Get them told.Test it out.

But just DON'T get pregnant.That will test him.It'll be the ruination of you.

i tend to ask those older than myself what their thoughts are on many things. Their experiences and opinions help me in many ways. i know i do not know everything out there and i figure those who have been alive longer than me probably have made the mistakes i am making and can give invaluable insight.

you are extremely intelligent (everything you have written on a2k shows that). there is no question there...

Dragon,

While I see that I am not done developing, I also realize that even at age 60 I will still be making mistakes, and I do not wish to live my life based on when I am 'ready'.

I do not expect to marry this man. I am not wanting him to give me the world. I am in love with him, very much so, but I do remain rational about it. He and I discuss every aspects of our relationship and what could (or could not) happen between us. I understand what we may not be together until the end of time. That's okay.

I do want to be with him now though.

I am stubborn and hard-headed. I will not be fulfilled with a life-lesson until it's knocked me on my butt itself. I do many times avoid situations because I see how it affected others, but I also need to experience some mistakes myself before being ready to say to myself, "okay, I was wrong."

I think people just get a general idea when they think of a teen with someone in his 20's: He's dominating, she's the victim. He's persuasive, she's submissive. He's controlling, she's naive. He's got other intentions, she's lost in puppy-love.

When you take away all those assumptions, consider that we've known each other for the last year and a half and have had tough discussions about cheating, breaking up, moving away, arguments, other people entering our life, family issues, etc., then it starts to become more human. I want people to be able to see that 'hey, they are normal. He doesn't make her sacrifice chickens and goats when he takes her home at night, and she's not completely unaware of all the possible outcomes and decisions that may develope due to this relationship.' I want people to be able to see someone who is so incredibly happy, despite what may happen in the relationship. I want people to see a guy who fell for me for my understanding of him, my support for him, my acceptance of him, rather than the great porn-potential a 16 year old has.

Does it at least make sense?

Teenage tantrums?

Mathos, if you found someone you were genuinely happy with right now in your life (I am not talking about a wife, but a girlfriend) and then were no longer allowed to be with that person based on your age - whatever it may be - you can not possibly tell me that you will be okay with that. Even if you did say that, I can't help but think that you'd be lieing.

Sanctuary--

If you are mature you will have the Age Conversation with your mother.

Letting your swain spill the beans is an inferior second choice--but either you or he must clear away the falsehoods.

How can you be having a loving, genuine relationship when vital facts are being concealed from people you love--and who love you.

As I said earlier, the May/December aspect of your love isn't nearly as important to me as the lying.

Why? It seems to me that you want to be with him because you know you shouldn't be. And that is teenage behavior. Not bad, don't take that out of my statment. We all did it, testing the waters to see how far we can go out before we get in over our heads. I don't think that you are doing anything wrong. I think he is the one who should be thinking this through a little more.



While this is an admirable trait to have, it can also get you in a world of trouble. Trust me. I am the same way.

Noddy,

Well, I plan to discuss it with him tonight, to see what he thinks. And no, I will tell them myself. He did not ask to be put into this situation, I won't let him take the blunt of it.

I just don't think my mother will be as understanding as you or SheWolf.

Bella,

No. I don't want to be with him because of the controversy. I wish I could escape it. I don't know what I've said to maek it come off this way (?) but I promise it's not the reason.

I wish to be with him because he is wise enough to treat me right, he is old enough for me to hold intellectual conversations with him, he is mature enough to respect my boundries and not push me further than I'm willing to go, he is kind enough to love me despite my age, he is understanding enough to treat me like an equal, and he's laid back enough to make me laugh and feel at ease. We compliment eachother well, always there when the other falls. I wish people could see past the age to that. But alas, I'm still sixteen, and until that fateful day when I no longer am, it will be wrong and obscene. I do not care about the opinion of people outside of my family so much as I do my mother, my sisters, etc. This is only because it is they who give me premission to do the things I do.

There is not ulterior motive behind my being with him. If we could be in perfect peace, then it would be just as better. But that's not the case. I'll wait the rebuttle to that, now.

You are right, but as a mature person, I would not be getting involved with a child. That is the point I am making, if you were an adult, of 22 yrs of age, it would not bother me if you were dating The Grim Reaper. As it is, I see you being taken advantage of. It's your life young lady, we are simply giving you advice.

But am I really being taken advantage of when I am aware of what's going on? If I am willingly involved with him? If I welcome whatever may come?

I will not be asking for pity if it does wind up biting me on the ass, that's for sure. So I do not personally see myself as being taken advantage of. Everything is perfectly willing.

Mistakes may occur, but they will be by my own allowance.

Oh boy - I know I'm going to get a lot of flack for this.......

Sanctuary - you have always impressed me as a very mature person - when I read how old you were in another thread - I was very surprised.

There are many men out there who would take advantage of a young woman your age - I've seen it so many times. Disgusting. There is such a potential for hurt and repercussions that would last the rest of your life.

That said.......

When I was 16 I found my first love, he was 24. He lived about 50 miles away - which is a continent when the driving age is 17, and legal age is 18. But we saw each other as often as we could.
My parents never knew about Roland. If they had, not only would they have forced me to not see him, they would have made it dirty. I did not have sex with him until I was well over 18.
Roland was the first person in my life that made me feel beautiful, intelligent, and capable, all at the same time.
He was kind, gentle and I look back on those years with nothing but good memories.
As I grew, went away to college at 20, found another boyfriend, he was always in my thoughts as someone special. We continued to see each other as often as we could until I was 24 myself. My stomach still quivered each time we met.

When I was just turning 30, I mentioned to a man I just met that I was turning into the big 3-0.

He looked me straight in the eye and said, I don't think a woman is beautiful until she's at least thirty, when her life shows on her face.
Wow - I was putty in his hands. He was 12 years older than me.

I married the first time when I was 31 or 32, he was 16 years older than me. It was a very bad mistake, everyone makes them, and less than 18 months later I literally ran off with the man who told me I was beautiful because I was 30. We've been married about 12 years. I'm 46, he's 58.
My stomach still quivers around him.

Some people are just meant to be with older people, some are meant to be with younger. It's not necessarily a father complex.

I don't think a man is worthwhile until he's at least 40.
If he's a great guyI figure by that time he's worked through being a young A**hole.
And if he's still an A**hole when he's 40. Well, you don't need to waste your time on him.

Yes, yes, yes, the difference between a 16 year old and a 24 year old is very different than between a 46 year old and a 58 hear old.

I'm in no way saying "go for it"

You need to weigh the situation yourself.

Oh - family? Not only did I never tell my parents about Roland, they were never much involved in anything in my adult life. To this day I strongly feel this first love was absolutely none of their business.
This isn't the place to go into all that...but these particular people who raised me and I escaped at the earliest possible opportunity really did not know what was best for me, ever. I too, was mature for my age

So Sanctuary, now that I've put it forth, I guess I'll have to take the heat.
OK, bring it on.

But for all advice you get - to your own heart be true, but don't forget to use your head.

and don't get pregnant.

ehBeth asked about the pertinent laws -- you say you're at or past the age of consent for where you live now?

I do think that's important.

You also say you have known him for a year and a half -- how long has it been a romantic relationship? As in, even if it's legal now, has it been all the way through? If not, he could still get in significant trouble. (Not to mention we're talking about potentially 14-27 here, to go to the outer limit of each possibility...)

You asked about what a parent's perspective would be -- I'd want to know, of course. Absolutely no question. And I'd be furious about the lying, too. That's a terrible foundation, and it is to your boyfriend's credit that he was mad about it. You're 16, and unless you get one of those emancipation things, your parents are responsible for you. This may chafe, this may generally suck, but it's a fact -- and the way you gain their respect and willingnes to let you do things and not keep you on a short leash is to truly act mature. As has been pointed out here many times, it's eminently understandable, and very 16 of you to lie about it -- but your whole point is that you're not your average 16-year-old. To prove that, you need to step up and be more mature than your average 16-year-old, and talk to your parents.

Good luck.

To: Chai Tea and SheWolf - is there any way I could reach you in private (e-mail)?

Chai Tea,

Thank you so very much. I hope to be telling a story similar to yours at your age. Thank you, you've made my day by being willing to admit that it may not be so bad.

I feel the same way about my family as you seem to feel about yours. My mother and I are pretty much roommates. We do not communicate about anything (though I have tried to get her to go to therapy so that this could change), she knows nothing about my life. I'm not exactly thrilled with this situation, but after 7 + years of trying to change it, I am convinced that it's simply meant to be. My siblings experienced the same kind of parentess-void in her upbringing.

My siblings do care, though they are often too entranced by their own agendas to really bother. This is fine; the youngest is around 14 years older than me, I never grew up with them. I see them here and there, but there is no extreme bond.

Thank you agsin Chai Tea, you made me feel not-so-alone.

Sozo, the romance did not take place until after I turned 16. There were interests before, but we didn't act upon it. I've not slept with him, so there is nothing they could really catch him on. And I do not intend to become pregnant. I have been contemplating emancipation since I was 11 years old. I need to look into it more though before seriously acting upon it.

I agree with all of you to an extent, but I also have my own side of the story to tell. I wish I could just do as you all advise, but it will take time if I am to take that step. As Chai Tea pointed out, it is not always as easy as it sounds to share such a thing with people who have you on strings yet know nothing about you as a person.

Actually, they can "catch him on" any sexual contact -- including kissing. That's cool that you aren't having sex with him yet, just 'cause it's so fraught.

More opinions, but will pause for now.

Sanctuary,

I have always respected your posts and you are obviously quite intelligent.

The part that bothers me about this situation is him, not you.

I do not believe a decent guy of that age would date you. Sorry. Not in today's world.

He would wait until you are 18, and if both of you still feel the same, go for it.

But right now, his judgement is really in question, in my mind.

I am telling you this from a guy's point of view. The guy is not totally on the up and up. If I had a guy friend in his 20s, dating a 16 year old, I'd tell he should stop. And I don't say that easily. I'm pretty darn liberal, anything goes type person.

Beware of this guy Sanctuary. He probably loves you, but this love is also clouding his judgement. All kinds of things can happen here.

Whatever you do, do not get pregnant, as some mentioned above.

But on the other hand, I know its very hard, if you truly love someone. What if you put it on the back-burner until you are 18, and if the feelings are still there, you go for it? If the feelings aren't there then, perhaps it wasn't meant to be.

If you say (as you have above) "oh no, I can't do that, I am afraid I might lose him," ---see there's something wrong with that statement. If he really cares about you, he can wait. If he doesn't care that much, he doesn't truly want to be with you long term.

I don't know, I would never date a 16 year old girl as a guy in my 20s. And I had several opportunities. No way. Its just too weird.

And as any guy will tell you: Its fairly common knowledge and opinion among guys: Only Loser Guys do that. Only losers date teenagers when they are in their 20s.

Sorry to be so blunt, but did you know that? That most guys in their 20s really don't have much respect for a guy in his 20s who is dating a 16 year old girl? They see him as a loser who can't handle a woman his own age.

Something missing from his development.

Sorry to be so blunt. But do look at that. Hard.

For your own good.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Sanctuary,

Would it bother you if you knew a guy who was 18, and he was dating a 11 or 12 or 13 year old girl?

I mean, there's only 5 or 6 or 7 years age difference between them...


______

What would you think of this 18 year old? How do you think the other 18 year old guys would think of him?

Would you want to be the 12 year old girl with this type of guy?

sorry

You said you don't see a future with him, so what's the point?

Whew. <<Wipes brow>>

Let's just keep it that way. :wink:

Sanctuary, we aren't trying to get down on you. I know I think you are far more mature than most 16 year olds and I think many others do too. I am blown away by you insight sometimes. But what we are saying is that being so young, you really just can't understand where we are coming from, because you haven't been where we are yet. We've been where you are and know how difficult it is to be a teenager. But do you honestly think (with your head not your heart) that this is a healthy situation? Sometimes being an adult requires you to leave the emotion behind and make decisions based on facts and reality. And that isn't easy.

Whatever choice you make, it sounds like you will be willing to live with it. So I can't say anything more than good luck.