Contact with exes

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Okay please bare with me...
I don't really know where to start this and like so many things on this forum it's gonna sound hopelessly adolescent. But as you'll see it's not something I can talk about in the real world - and I've seen how supportive you guys are, even when it's with lovestruck pre-teens Razz

Right what I really wanted to ask, is do you ever feel guilty having contact with an ex? I don't mean just talking I mean... sharing stuff.

Just for clarification purposes I'm of the "cheating is anything that would upset your partner" school of thought. So if I realise I'm doing something that I couldn't tell P about... it makes me feel nasty Sad

Basically my story goes like this... in slightly censored terms because unfortunately being on here so much I've come to regard you guys as friends... and there're some things I just don't like talking about

P and I had a bit of a fight last night. Not a proper one because we don't fight. He's a very introspective person and if he gets upset or angry he just bottles it up and becomes "contemplative" as we call it. He basically retreats completely into himself and locks the world out. Ever since we've been together I've been begging him to talk to me instead of going quiet. I always had very strong communication with my ex and i'm not used to second guessing people.
Anyway there were two things last night but right now I don't think you need to hear them as that'll just make this essay longer.
All that needs saying is it was very soon before he had to go and so there wasn't time to talk even if i wanted to... but right then I was feeling very... WEIRD. The way i used to all the time when i had my problems... one of which came back last night

Anyway the crux of the story is I was very VERY upset. And I was talking to my best friend.... who happens to be my ex who i don't see much anymore since he dropped outa school. And after a while I told him he oughta get some sleep... cos it'd got pretty late. And said he'd only go if i promised to go to bed too and sleep on my left. It's a thing from when we were still together where we'd agree who slept where and hug through the night... even though we live 15 mile s apart.

The truth is I probably wouldn't have slept last night without knowing I had this old comfort thing... it's kinda like something old and comforitng that reminds me of a happy time.

But it occurred to me that lovely as it is... somehow it feels wrong because it's a reminder of when we were together. And I'm pretty sure P wouldn't be happy... i don't mean angry or anything i just think it might hurt him

So... when do you think it's ok to have contact with your ex and when not? I still see mine loads but this is the first time in ages I've felt strange about it

Sorry for the essay!!

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the easiest way to answer your question is to ask yourself if you would be mad if your boyfriend had the same contact with one of his X's.

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My dilemma-2 years ago my exes fiance banned me and him from talking to each other.I dont see him as a boyfriend, I dont want him as a boyfriend but I get on with him really well.

I kinda know what you mean.I have a connection with my ex but I know NOTHING sexual is gona happen.In a way I like the connection because it means we genuinely liked each other and the time we had together was worth it but I know I dont want him physically so his fiance has no need to worry(Im not gon tell her that to give her piece of mind as she is a 2 faced b*tch)
I can see why your current other half may be hurt by what happened but if he is not opening up to you, you need to talk to someone.
Guys are different.I think guys would be more hurt by a physical situation than by a verbal one.

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I'm thinking that your current relationship is making you feel lonely, Bekaboo. The silent treatment is not very comforting & also is a form of control, I think. Having been in one of those relationships myself in the past, I can sympathize. Your current friend is confident that you will be the first to break the silence & the cause of the problem won't have to be explored. He wins, I guess! Rolling Eyes

I think it was sheer loneliness that caused you to ring your former boyfriend, probably nothing more. But can you really see yourself lasting too long with with Mr Silent Treatment?

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Dont feel bad about liking the comforting phrase your ex said.
Thats like saying you have to completely forget your past.

If yuor current boyfriend isnt making you feel like your old boyfriend is then something is missing.

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Tenoch wrote:

the easiest way to answer your question is to ask yourself if you would be mad if your boyfriend had the same contact with one of his X's.

Yes I would
But mostly because a) he doesn't have a lot of close friends, so it would be very out of the ordinary, whereas all my close best friends are male so it's slightly less weird
b) because i become obsessive. Especially about "the other woman". Let's just say my experiences aren't great... although they usually come down in some measure at least to my own head. I have paranoia Sad

msolga wrote:

I'm thinking that your current relationship is making you feel lonely, Bekaboo. The silent treatment is not very comforting & also is a form of control, I think.

Maybe. Well actually yeh I do feel a bit lonesome... because before exams when we could see each other every day we were like best friends. And when it's the hols and we can spend a lot of time together we're fine. But right now when he's in this kinda mood I just feel lonely. Mostly because being with him means shutting out other people i would normally talk to

I don't think of it as the silent treatment as it's not something he does specifically when I upset him. We've been friends for years and he's just a very introspective person - it's kinda his coping mechanism. It just happens to often co-incide with something happening these days.

And it's not that he waits until I break the silence... because i do... every time!! Once he's in this mood he doesn't come out. For anyone. So whether or not i try and get in there is irrelevant

I hate analysing like this... because you always mention the bad things. And I don't want people thinking i'm terminally unhappy - i'm not!! Just... worried Crying or Very sad

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Bekaboo wrote:

... But right now when he's in this kinda mood I just feel lonely. Mostly because being with him means shutting out other people i would normally talk to...

You have to shut out other people when you're with him? I don't know the history of your relationship, but why do you have to shut out others when you're with him? Can't you just be yourself?

Bekaboo wrote:

I hate analysing like this... because you always mention the bad things. And I don't want people thinking i'm terminally unhappy - i'm not!! Just... worried

Can you make a big push to be gentle with yourself, to treat yourself as tenderly as you'd like to be treated by others? After all, if anyone deserves your attention and respect, it is you.

Oh, and do you think he would be angry if he found out about this?

There's an old movie, I think "It's A Wonderful Life" with James Stewart, where a character advises, "Don't do anything you wouldn't want to read about on the front page of the newspaper." When I first heard this, I thought it was a shocking and ridiculous plan which I could never accomplish. After many years I learned to accept this idea and actually live by it. It wasn't easy by any means, but I love having a clear conscience.

Please be nicest of all to yourself. That's the most important thing, in my mind. If you decide you made a small mistake here, resolve not to do it again and don't punish yourself for it! Even if you made a mistake, it's not a big one and you can forgive yourself and leave it behind. All humans are fallible and make a lot of mistakes, all the time.

Best of luck & happiness to you!

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BorisKitten wrote:

Bekaboo wrote:
... But right now when he's in this kinda mood I just feel lonely. Mostly because being with him means shutting out other people i would normally talk to...

You have to shut out other people when you're with him? I don't know the history of your relationship, but why do you have to shut out others when you're with him? Can't you just be yourself?

Sorry that was badly phrased
What i mean is, when I am part of a couple I tend to talk to my friends less. Actually 3 of my best guy mates just came round (i live right near school) and gatecrashed my house for a couple of hours so i am now far less lonely Smile

But I tend to see less of them. Not because P doesn't get on with them - the 5 of us go to the movies together on a Friday night and other stuff, we're all teh same group of friends - but jus cos i make less plans with them

Quote:

Oh, and do you think he would be angry if he found out about this?

No. I just think that he might be a little hurt that after we had a fight the only person i turned to was my ex. Not on purpose - he was on msn, i was msn. I didn't call him. I guess i just feel a tiny bit guilty Rolling Eyes

Thanks for listening

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Personally, Bekaboo, I don't see why talking with the ex like this should be a problem. It might bother P, if he knew, but why should he? Just consider ex as one of several friends, and this just happens to be the one you talked with.

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Excuse me for sounding cynical, but if your current partner gets what he wants from you by giving you the silent treatment, even just by your knowing he might give you the silent treatment -- why would he ever bother talking to you? My suggestion, which may be a totally incometent one, is this. How about talking to your ex and being brutally honest about it to your current partner? "I need someone to talk to, he's my best friend, and this is what best friends are for after all." (He knows you and your ex are best friends, doesn't he? If so, he has no valid complaint about treating him as one.) I know this is easy to suggest and hard to do, but in the long run it will keep you from going insane, and maybe give him an incentive to talk to you.

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Tenoch wrote:

the easiest way to answer your question is to ask yourself if you would be mad if your boyfriend had the same contact with one of his X's.

So true. What's good for you must also be good for him. You can't say he must be ok with you doing it but then be mad when he does.

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I do excuse you for sounding cynical because i think in my haste to explain this i explained it badly

He doesn't go quiet on me until i give in and then turn happy again.
He just... goes quiet
And some times if i go away and work for a bit then after a while he will go back to normal. And sometimes if i give in then it makes no difference and 2 hours later he will still be contemplative

What i do has very little bearing on his reaction

I've been with someone before who gave the silent treatment a lot, and the advice you give is very good for that situation. Unfortunately this is a little different

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Bella Dea wrote:

So true. What's good for you must also be good for him. You can't say he must be ok with you doing it but then be mad when he does.

I'm not!! I'm saying that i don't think he would be mad about it... and if I was in a sane and normal mood than neither would I. But my judgement in this is BAD because I am... slightly messed up. So i kinda meant would a rational person be upset by this?

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Silent treatment...giving in...sounds like games and manipulation to me.Bad things to exsist in any relationship.

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ARGH!! *bangs head on wall*

THIS IS NOT THE SILENT TREATMENT

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Bekaboo wrote:

Bella Dea wrote:
So true. What's good for you must also be good for him. You can't say he must be ok with you doing it but then be mad when he does.

I'm not!! I'm saying that i don't think he would be mad about it... and if I was in a sane and normal mood than neither would I. But my judgement in this is BAD because I am... slightly messed up. So i kinda meant would a rational person be upset by this?

I didn't say you were. All I am saying is put yourself in his place. This is a very individual thing. It depends on a lot. I would be upset if my husband talked to one of his exes but not another. One in particular because of certain things that happened between her and I a long time ago. The others, no because, well, they are exes for a reason and I don't worry.

So if he wouldn't be upset, why should you be?

If you feel guilty, stop doing what makes you feel guity. You must be doing something you feel is wrong if it makes you feel this way.

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Hee hee, I understand what you're saying, Bekaboo. (About not being silent treatment, just introspective. About how it's not dependent on you getting him out of it, he gets out of it -- or not -- on his own time.)

I don't think you need to worry. So long as he knows that you are good friends with your ex, and talk to him. He doesn't need to know exactly what you talk about, and I don't think what you talked about goes over the line. It makes sense that if you can't talk to him, you find someone else to talk to. If he doesn't like that, he can be more talkative. If he wants to reserve the right to not be talkative, he needs to accept the natural consequences -- that you'll talk to someone else.

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Bekaboo wrote:

I do excuse you for sounding cynical because i think in my haste to explain this i explained it badly

Thanks, but it was really just a lack of reading comprehension on my part. You did say loud and clear that this is not the silent treatment before I posted. I guess my point was that you a) shouldn't feel guilty about talking things out with your best friend, because that's what best friends are for, and b) your current partner knows he's your best friend (I assume), so there's no need to feel like you're betraing him. You have to have your own friends, and you have to choose them for yourself. This is true whether your current partner is manipulating you (which I understand he is not), or whether your hanging out with your ex/best friend makes him genuinely sad. As Sozobe said, I don't see any line you have crossed so far, so nothing to feel bad about.

Of course, it looks possible from your description that your feeling guilty about that "remote hug" with your ex that night is about something else: that you are beginning to have regrets about trading off your old partner for your new one. If this is true, it seems to be your own feelings, not his, that you need to give some long and hard thought.

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Cheers for listening everyone
My own perception can be quite twisted at times so i need to check these things hehe

As far as regrets...
Yes I have some regrets
I regret that my current boyfriend and I don't talk about everything the way I used to with my ex
And i regret having to let go of cute little things like remote hugs...

But do I regret no longer being with a highly dependent drug addict with 23 psychiatric disorders?? Somehow i think not!!

And after days like today (somebody was finally back to himself after 3 weeks... maybe our fight made him snap out of it) I remember exactly why I prefer my lion cub Smile

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Bekaboo wrote:

Cheers for listening everyone
My own perception can be quite twisted at times so i need to check these things hehe

This is so smart of you! I spent 10 years in weekly therapy sessions (at $80 a piece) for this very reason... to ask what a Regular Person would do in a similar situation. We almost never talked about my past, it was all, "What would a Regular Person do at this business meeting... or with this difficult boss... or at this stressful party.... or with this new boyfriend..."

To me it was worth every penny. My parents didn't teach me any of this stuff, that is, how a normal person acts in the world. After 10 years I finally had collected enough examples of "normal" behavior so I could extrapolate to new situations.

If'n you can ask us for free, taking the good advice and leaving the bad, more power to you! It's a very wise thing to do.

I don't know your personal history, but it sounds to me like you've come a long way in your recovery. In case no one's mentioned it lately, here's a big congratulatory pat on the back for all your hard work! Smile

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