Need suggestions to handle it well

Even though I am not a male, I thought I could give one suggestion that may help out - at least for you on the emotional side. I can fully understand as I often feel just the way you do and it is hard to speak objectively when you feel hurt and emotional inside. Perhaps if you could wait a while after a particular incident and speak with your husband when neither of you are in an emotional state and you both have time to sit and listen to each other. Then you could say to him when you say things X it makes me feel hurt. Or even just discuss some things that you want to make improvements or have issues with. If you are both in emotional state, it is difficult to be rational and listen to each other as you are both focused on your feelings at the time. If you wait a couple of hours (or however long it takes) and then sit down, you could focus on the problem and work together on a solution.

Hello, Love-My-Family & Welcome to a2k.

I dont' remember you from you were here before. People are sometimes helped a little online if they talk things out and get a few objective opinions. Everyone has an opinion and here's mine.



Consider why you're fighting and whether it is worth it. If you are doing something wrong, shape up. If he is, he doesn't need you to point it out, right? If he is being a bully... get a lawyer.

How often does he say something you don't like? Is it usually in describing something he intends to do? Ask him "Why ever did you say that?" And then listen. And think.

If possible say, "I fear you are not noticing this, that, and this other thing," holding firmly to the principles & ethics by which you live your lives. If you are becoming emotional, why? Is it really earth-shaking stuff? Emotions come from a lot of things. Are you angry or are you fearful?

Your husband should have the same freedoms you do to explore his interests and get the go-ahead from you with the understanding that you won't help. (e.g. a gun collection) Why should you stop him? You want to live your own life and you should want him to live his. Obviously, if his interests are in gambling away the family fortunes, then you've married the wrong guy and should immediately separate, financially speaking.


If your husband is saying something to hurt you, then you have to be firm with yourself. Look him straight in the eye for several seconds and then turn away. Consider that having a hurtful husband may be the worst thing in the world to have. He has to see that or your life will become a living hell. People have a tendency, I've seen, to "dump" on others, especially their spouses, and yell, fuss or play a blame game. Nothing is worth living like that. That behavior must be nipped in the bud. Believe that it will be a long cold weekend in the fall before you'll be back on good footing, but the demand for a settling to the marriage has to come from you. Only you can do this with your own husband (just as only he can work it out with you). You must object to behavior right when it happens and not let it become a habit. Everytime he hurts you with his words is a mistake on his part and on yours too, if you let him get away with it.



Please don't say you hate yourself. Some people say "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you." and maybe you need to see the truth in that. Cry on your own, do not let him see. Get a counselor. If you can't figure out how to quietly go about your day, doing your responsibilities & taking care of business without speaking to your husband... just learn the trick of not speaking at all. Say it is something you've learned so that you can really "hear" him. Someone who is purposefully trying to hurt you deserves to be treated so that you can protect yourself. Avoid him and maintain impassive contact. If he asks you what is wrong, look him straight in the eye again and then say, "I am still reeling from what you said (or did). I haven't anything to say to you. I'm thinking about it. Is there something you need from me?"

Then do whatever needs to be done (assuming it is reasonable, given the circumstances) otherwise make an excuse and walk away. If he continues to ask... just repeat the mantra: "I'm thinking and I have nothing to say right now. I'm not happy and I want to be happy."





Whatever are you doing that is so wrong he has to tell you or get upset with you? Are you really wrong or just not doing it his way? Point that out.

My opinion is for you to shape up and do things your way and then stand up for yourself. You'd have to confess to a lot more sins before I'd agree that your husband has the right to make you feel bad. However, I am always willing to say that I'm sorry if my H & I have a disagreement. I am sorry that we are having a disagreement always. I'm usually not sorry about anything I've said, done, or will do because I try to behave myself. I will certainly apologize if something I was hurtful, or if I did something wrong and try to make amends. However, I am not sorry that I feel compelled to do things my way, not anyone else's. You should too. Just my opinion.

Piffka and Linkat.. You would not know how much I appreciate your response. Both of your opinion has one thing in common.. Listen when he talks. Take time to come out of it and then have the discussion.

For a long time I was making the mistake of reacting immediately to a hurtful remark. I guess that is where I was going wrong. And counsellor.. yes I need to get one. Even though I think he is the one to get some counselling.. but as I believe you can only change yourself and nobody else. So the urge to change and get a councellor should come from him if he thinks he needs to change for a better marriage.

Please don't get me wrong. My husband is a great guy.. loves me immensely. We have had great time together but we both have our drawbacks. He does n't mean to hurt me and I know that. But for some reason the words coming out of his mouth does no good to me.


Then let me give a recent happening:
My husband drives me and my son to a near by shop. Since I am not carrying my purse, I am having the keys to my house in my hands. When we reach the shop, I get down and try to put my son's shoe on. In the process my son's leg kicked my arms(you know how 3 year olds are.. stil practising their motor skills) and my keys fly out and fall in mud nearby. There was frantic search through the mud(yuk yuk yuk) and we finally managed to get the keys. I am still upset from the whole deal. Now we are driving back home and my husband says "You should be a little bit more careful" in a very condescending manner. There was nothing I could do by being more careful.. It was not my fault. He has been repeating that phrase thrice daily since the past one week and I just could not take it anymore. So the crying begins and I tell him this is how I am..either you live with it or leave it. Bad timings... my parents were visiting me at that time and I am not sure if they heard what was going on between us. So my husband gets more upset that I am not bothered by the presence of other people in the house. Well I know.. it was not right. So I said sorry. Mind you I went to him to initiate the conversation and say sorry. But he could not let me go away with just a sorry. He went on and on about how wrong I was in crying and how the act in front of my parents was not reversible and just a sorry would not heal things up.

The same night when we were talking he takes in 5 pegs of scotch which he could not deal with and he ends up miserable and starts throwing up. He has never been like this before. He is a very well behaved person.Now I am upset. So I try talking to him. Why the hell are you behaving this way. My parents are around and we need not put them through this. And he gets upset about me pointing it out to him.

And yes Piffka, you are right. it is not about doing the wrong thing. It is more about not doing it his way.

I know I have not pictured a great image of me and my husband. Critique my behaviour if you want but keep bringing in the suggestions.

LMF, are you working? Do you have activities and friendships outside of your marriage?

What your anecdote brings to mind for me is that how strong I feel has a lot to do with how I react to those kinds of criticisms. If I'm generally down, sad, lost, whatever, that can really throw me for a loop. If I've got a good base, and am not dependent on my husband for affirmation, I can just say, "What the hell? The kid kicked my arm. I found the keys, no harm, no foul." (Or whatever.) End of story.

Okay, LovesMyFamily. Here's what I think. Sozobe is right. "What the hell?" doesn't sound like it was your reaction but it should have been.

The other less adult mode, which can come in handy for shock value is if you decide to have hallway sex. That's where, when you pass him in the hall, you say, "F*ck you." I'm only kidding a little. Your husband does not have the right to criticize you or carp (which is repeated criticisms).


This KEY in the MUD incident should have been treated as the very minor thing it was. His criticism deserved a you-can't-be-serious look. Honestly... that kind of talk might easily provoke me (again, for shock value) into throwing the keys back into the mud and going home on my own. It certainly deserves at-the-very-least the stare followed by thinking mode. And all the time I would be thinking, "How can he be such an ass?"

I am convinced that it is necessary to train a man to behave himself in order to get the kind of husband you want. You want one who doesn't criticize and condescend? You have to nip that behavior in the bud and make sure he realizes it is unacceptable, totally unacceptable. Your biggest sin that I can see is you've allowed him way too much slack. Pull that rope tight and let him see what you're made of.

There's only one way that works... you use positive and negative reinforcing just like they teach in psychology. Men are horrible at hearing and often won't remember what their women say. So you say the same thing over and over and you say it because it is true and makes sense. For you this could be -- "I don't like what you're saying to me. It makes me feel unloved and I don't deserve it. I don't like the way you're acting." I'd probably shrug and continue "I don't like it and I'm not putting up with it." Then I'd smile and do something I want or need to do.

I've noticed men do pay attention to what women do. Some women get this naturally -- Sozobe has, no doubt, expressed herself in such a way that her husband respects her, possibly without having to resort to what I'd call formal training. She stands up for herself, probably always has and she's made that clear. End of story. Think of it this way -- Good husbands don't come out of the box like that. One way or another they have to be trained; trained early, trained well. If their moms didn't do it or didn't do it right, or if you've let him get away with this behavior, then you have to stand up for yourself and make him understand what is acceptable from this day forward. It won't be so easy, but once you've got the knack, it will be second nature. As long as he treats you well, all is fine. When he doesn't, he not only doesn't get loving attention, he doesn't get any attention. (This works with kids, too, btw.) When things get out of hand, blow up all over them and make sure they realize that you're on a short fuse and no longer everyone's dumping bag. Mama doesn't put up with that and when Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy.

Because you've let him become so unmanageable, I'd think you may need to have a time-out. Can you take a little time away, take your son visiting someone?Give yourself time for interests and people that make your life happy beyond and beside your family. You are a person as well as a mother and wife. While you're gone, give your husband a taste of what it's like when you and the son you gave him (that you went through a pregnancy and childbirth for!!!) are not around. Make sure that you don't cook anything or don't clean anything beyond clearing the tables and countertops. Don't stock the pantry or do any laundry before you go, but carefully have all of your things taken care of and put away. Apologize as you're going and say you didn't have quite enough time to do everything and hope that he has a good time. Remember you're going to have plenty to do when you come back so don't feel guilty. A two-week trip will do wonders for an attitude adjustment but even a long weekend can be effective.


As for his drinking... he threw up Scotch? God I hope it wasn't a single malt! What a dope; it serves him right to get sick. If and when he drinks is not the right time to say anything you want him to remember (not that he will remember much you say, anyway). THis is not the time to give him positive attention however. Next time he drinks, try to encourage him to do so, pour out more for him... it's okay to waste it... oops... and tell him that you're hoping he'll throw up again because it was so funny the first time.

Do not involve your parents in this or tell him that he shouldn't get wasted in front of them. He KNOWS that... he doesn't need you to tell him. He may be a great guy, but so far all I've heard is he knows he's being a jerk and appears to be reveling in his power. Recognize that and then start your training, girl. You've got your work cut out for you... but all things are possible.


I have not mentioned two things... one is to always keep your sense of humor, just as it is okay to laugh at him, it is okay to laugh at yourself. That doesn't mean you aren't right in your needs and within your rights as a human being; you're just willing to see the absurdity of the human condition. He may be laughably difficult but YOU are putting up with him.

The other is positive reinforcement. It is also necessary to show you appreciate him when he does well and when he treats you with respect. Don't just say the words -- although they are necessary and should be kind and complimentary, that's the weakest mode of communication. Use your femme wiles to let him know. Brush up against him, touch his hand, look him in the eyes and smile. If you're going to have tears, shed them now... tears of happiness.

But not when you're angry, not when he's been a jerk. Then you think about it. Wait until he does something you want to encourage... something that he chooses to do for you because he loves you AND WANTS TO PLEASE YOU. That's the behavior you're looking for... honor that. Whatever you do, don't let him think you take him for granted but quit being willing to accept his criticisms and bullying. <whew> Sorry to be so long but I wanted to be sure you had enough detail to really understand what I'm saying. Hope it was clear and makes sense to you. And yes, I am known as an uppity broad but my family adores me anyway.

Piffka makes some good points and I have done the same to my husband. Sometimes, maybe because he has a bad day or is in a bad mood or something, but will talk condensing or say something similar to what your husband did over something uncontrollable or something that really doesn't matter. I have started saying, things like I am not a child, do you really hear what you are saying, do you realize how unreasonable you are being, etc. and then let it go - like Piffka said, just smile and go onto something else. Try to think about how unimportant the incident actually is and you are less likely to get upset and cry, try to find humor in it.

Yesterday a similar incident happened, and instead of me getting upset about it, I made a joke about and instead of us both getting angry or upset, we both started laughing. Whenever some one is stressed, no matter how nice of a person, you say or do the wrong thing and it can become a major incident.

Clearly the keys flying out of your hand was an unavoidable accident.

Did he really tell you 3 times a day for a week after that incident that you should be more careful? Cripes! That's just not right. It was a very minor accident and did not deserve mention even the first time!

My husband would be permitted to say that ONCE... more than that and I would know he was not trying to help me or be nice to me at all, which is not allowed. The second time, I would have said, "I understood you the first time. Please don't repeat it again." or something of the sort.

Other posters are absolutely correct. Nip this behavior in the bud. He should make a big effort to be kind to you just as you are kind to him.

The one thing I meant to add is that your husband may not even be realizing what he is doing. He may be just responding emotionally - so by pointing it out and letting him know how it hurts you, that alone may help stop these comments.

I know some of the things my husband has said or done he did not mean to be hurtful - it is just that he tends to react at the moment. When I point it out to him - without being emotional and just point to the facts - he tends to think about it and realize it more.

Some times men are just plain stupid and don't realize it until some one shows them.

Yep. We can give him the benefit of the doubt for now, though he seems on the edge to me. Remember, men often say that they don't know what women want. You need to tell him and make it clear by your actions. His reaction will let you know if he is being hurtful on purpose.

Linkat, I completely agree with you. I don't think he realises how much I feel hurt by those words. And I, on the other hand, am not doing a good job of letting him know. I will take your suggestion and next time it happens, I am going to tell him exactly that without shedding a drop of tear.

BorisKitten.. I liked that. I will put that to good use.. trust me and oh by the way he did not repeat that "You should be more careful" just for this incident. I am not as meticulous as him in certain things and over the past one week he had been telling me in different forms how I have neglected certain things. Then this incident happened and he repeated like a tape recorder and that flew me off. Sorry for creating confusion with that single sentence. I just did not order it right.

Piffka Thanks for that long post. It really gave me some good hints as to how I should tackle this situation.

In the coming days I am going to use each piece of these suggestions and I will keep you all posted about how my "TRAINING" is coming along. Please feel free to critique those.

Once again, thanks to each one of you for taking the time to reply to this post and for being great listeners.

I dated a guy once who pissed and moaned about my driving. He was very condesending and rude. This describes perfectly what I told him I would do to him if he didn't re-think his potty mouth and unacceptable behavior.

Good luck, LoveMyFamily. Hopefully you won't need to resort to Heeven's methods. I really hope your husband responds quickly to you when you make it clear how you feel and what you want.

Talking openly is so important! And it's so easy to forget how important it is.

I have to mention a book that's helped me & DH a lot, called "Fighting for Your Marriage" by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg.

They have a great communication technique called the Speaker-Listener technique. In short, you have an object which one person holds... while holding the object, you are the speaker. You speak kinda slowly because the other person has to repeat what you have said, preferably in different words. Then the object is passed and the speaker listens while the listener speaks.

What a difference this can make in understanding the real motivations behind your partner's words! This book says lots of marital problems can be solved by this technique alone, just hearing one another clearly, and they are right! I highly recommend it.

Best of luck & happiness to you, and please let us know how things go in the future!

BorisKitten, thanks for the recommendation. Just need one more piece of information.. would it be enough helpful, if only I go through it? I am not sure if I will be able to convince my husband on reading and following this book.

Yes, I think it would be worthwhile for you to read it yourself. After all, if you change your part in the marital dance, DH may have to change his.

I also think it'll just make you feel better, more informed and more in control, which is always a good thing!

While you're at your library or bookstore, you might want to check out books on RET or REBT by Albert Ellis. This is "Rational Emotive Therapy," where you learn to dispute your own upsetting thoughts and replace them with less-upsetting, more rational thoughts. They've done me a world of good!

BorisKitten... I have ordered the book. I will be getting in another few days time.

It's been 2 weeks since this incident and my husband is still not talking normal. He is gloomy. I have approached twice, the last being last sunday for a reconciliation. But he is not willing to get normal. The hurt was on both ends. But I don't think he is realising the hurt I felt by his actions, otherwise, he would have cooled down.

This scares me. Such long duration of sulk is not good for marriage. I am afraid it might result in something very unpleasant. At the same time, I don't want to be approaching again and again for a reconciliation. So I have decided to just wait and watch. I talk normal to him. Ask him for dinner and stuff.. that's it. No light-hearted talks though.

Not sure what more to do.. Piffka hope you are still reading this thread..

I am back from my nice vacation. (South Dakota was swell -- I loved it and can highly recommend the Black Hills in June.)

I'm very concerned, LMF, that you say your husband was hurt... and he's still sulking. About what? He doesn't have any grounds for hurting from the information you gave us. Why would he be hurt because the keys fell in the mud? Why was there hurt on both ends? That doesn't make sense to me, but I've been away for a while, maybe I'm missing something. Sulking is what spoiled children do, however, and is extremely unmanly as well as not being adult behavior. He needs to recognize that quickly. Yuck... a sulking man is about the least desirable object I can imagine.

<Any men who are listening in... take note. If you sulk, nobody will ever want to go to bed with you. :wink: >

You say:LovesMyFamily -- that's where the "husband training" comes in. YOU are supposed to help him realize this. That's your job. Men are remarkably obtuse sometimes, especially when they've been getting their way and acting like a bully. He is trying, subconsciously or not, to control you with his actions. Remember what you want, what anyone wants, which is to be treated with respect and love by the person you've married. It is very simple. Can he supply this? Have you had a straight conversation with him? IMHO, you are not the one who should be asking for a reconciliation. That was a setback.

Your husband needs to see that you are not completely dependent upon him for your happiness. He needs to recognize that you, with your love, have granted him the right to share your life. He can only see that if you believe it to be true rather than any of the other scenarios playing in his mind. (For example, that you are with him because you love your family so much you'd do anything to keep it together.... or, you are with him because he is supporting you financially.)

Can you get away for a while? I'm sure I mentioned that a brief separate vacation can be good for you. If you can't manage a real vacation, then how about a vacation in your head? Plan things to do without him. Take the kids and do some outings while he is busy. Since he can't play fair and fun, he doesn't get invited. But rather than being a jerk and overt in overlooking him... just plan fun for times that are inconvenient for him. And really, I'm not kidding... go have some fun! The summer is way too short not to seize the day and make it yours. Make some happy memories for youself, on your own or with family or friends. Make some memories for your child. Be sure to take some photos to share. Show that you can do things on your own successfully and happily. Let your husband wish that he were with you and having the big fun, too. This only works if you truly have some fun. No moping or feeling guilty allowed.

Meanwhile, it needs to be asked again -- Have you considered finding a counselor? It is possible that you or he could be clinically depressed... that should be checked out. Good luck. I'll keep watching this thread to see how it goes with you. You can make it out of this bad patch, but it will take some work.

WOW! Two weeks is way beyond normal behavior... the word "Pathological" comes to mind... and you're absolutely correct that something very unpleasant may happen with this sort of behavior going on.

I think you're doing the right thing by acting "normal" during this sulk, but this has got to be very difficult for you. If I were you, I'd be looking into counseling for myself to deal with this. Why suffer alone when help is available?

Piffka has some great advice. Also, when you seek a therapist or counsellor, remember... not all therapists are good ones. If you feel a therapist isn't helping you, find another!

As for finding a therapist, if you have a domestic violence hotline in your area, they can hook you up with free therapy... not that I think he's violent, but free is free, eh? Religious organizations can also often find free therapy for you, as can local mental health clinics.

A two-week sulk is beyond something you should handle alone. Get some outside help, you'll be glad you did!

I'm thinking of you, LoveMyFamily, and hope to keep hearing from you about your situation.

I have n't been a very good girl either. I cried and shouted and things I said weren't good.. I was not communicating well.

As per the reconciliation part, I would do whatever I need to do to save the marriage. I love my husband and he loves me too. Sulking for too long is not good and I don't want it to continue for a long time. So I decided to initiate the talk. When I talked to him, I did not make it a blaming game.. like you said this and that..

I said, we both were at fault and we both need to shape up. I also told him, you know where you went wrong and what hurt me so I will not repeat it. It is very important that you and I both know what can hurt the other and we need to make a concious effort to not do those things and I think we would be fine. He told which actions of mine hurt him and they were valid as well. I listened and apologised.

During this "SULK" time.. I tried doing something that would make me happy. I blew money off at a mall. Spent time with my son. I had all the time to myself since I quit my earlier job and was on a 2 week vacation until I joined the new job.

The update here is we are talking again. But we both have some serious shaping up to do. I am going to learn all I can from the book BorisKitten suggested and use those learnings. But I am happy and thanks to all of you, that this time I was able to handle his sulk better than earlier times.