Out...but have to hide

My husband and I have been married for 5 and in relationship for 10 years. He is from another country where you can't “be out.” He can't be out to his parent, family or friends. He has always interacted with my gay and straight friends from my work, church, and from various stages of my life. Fortunately, I was able be out at work, partly because of my work environment and partly because of my mindset about who I am.

We moved from the comfort of my/our family and friends and from a “Blue” to “Red” (hopefully purple soon) state. Being retired I volunteer on the average of 10 hours a week and am out to many people there. I didn’t make a general announcement but as I felt more comfortable with individuals, I interjected “my husband” into the conversation. So far, I can say, to my knowledge, all the people I told and interacted have absolutely “no problem” and often ask about and include “my husband.”

For 5 years, my husband has been calling his family and friends almost daily. He has traveled with friends and family here. When they would be in “our” town, he met them at their hotels or restaurants. We had to re-decorate for video phone calls. I cannot be his “friend” on FB. We could not post any photos online of our wedding. I must be super careful and selective for the few pictures I have put online about “us.” I must say my husband doesn't like what he/we have to do. I appreciate and understand that he (we) have to be on the “down low” but now coupled with the fact that we have “no friends” to interact with here and his family is talking about VISITING!

He recently took a part-time college course here. It consisted of working and employment seeking, men and women from 30 to 60 years old. Besides interacting in class, there many hours of out of class “project” time and lunches, dinner and entertainment time. Several times he drove my distinctive car to class and when classmates commented on it, his response was “it’s not my car.” I just feel that this could have been the point , if he had felt comfortable, where he could have tested the waters. But classmates knew about our 2 dogs…knew where we lived…knew where he immigrated from… and I’m sure other little tidbits we get from our interactions with people.

I knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t “come-out” to his parent and family and I didn’t ask or expect him too. I thought he might “come out” to selective friends someday. I daydreamed about “our” interactions with them…lol. And now we are talking about something ever more severe when family visits. I’m beginning to feel erased!