Out...but have to hide

Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 07:39 pm
My husband and I have been married for 5 and in relationship for 10 years. He is from another country where you can't “be out.” He can't be out to his parent, family or friends. He has always interacted with my gay and straight friends from my work, church, and from various stages of my life. Fortunately, I was able be out at work, partly because of my work environment and partly because of my mindset about who I am.

We moved from the comfort of my/our family and friends and from a “Blue” to “Red” (hopefully purple soon) state. Being retired I volunteer on the average of 10 hours a week and am out to many people there. I didn’t make a general announcement but as I felt more comfortable with individuals, I interjected “my husband” into the conversation. So far, I can say, to my knowledge, all the people I told and interacted have absolutely “no problem” and often ask about and include “my husband.”

For 5 years, my husband has been calling his family and friends almost daily. He has traveled with friends and family here. When they would be in “our” town, he met them at their hotels or restaurants. We had to re-decorate for video phone calls. I cannot be his “friend” on FB. We could not post any photos online of our wedding. I must be super careful and selective for the few pictures I have put online about “us.” I must say my husband doesn't like what he/we have to do. I appreciate and understand that he (we) have to be on the “down low” but now coupled with the fact that we have “no friends” to interact with here and his family is talking about VISITING!

He recently took a part-time college course here. It consisted of working and employment seeking, men and women from 30 to 60 years old. Besides interacting in class, there many hours of out of class “project” time and lunches, dinner and entertainment time. Several times he drove my distinctive car to class and when classmates commented on it, his response was “it’s not my car.” I just feel that this could have been the point , if he had felt comfortable, where he could have tested the waters. But classmates knew about our 2 dogs…knew where we lived…knew where he immigrated from… and I’m sure other little tidbits we get from our interactions with people.

I knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t “come-out” to his parent and family and I didn’t ask or expect him too. I thought he might “come out” to selective friends someday. I daydreamed about “our” interactions with them…lol. And now we are talking about something ever more severe when family visits. I’m beginning to feel erased!
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Reply Mon 2 Sep, 2019 04:19 am
There's no reason he can't be your pal on FB. That's just silly.

As for the rest of it, I'm sorry about how things are. But how much does his family know? Is it, "We hope you meet some nice girl soon and settle down, here are the names of 3 possible choices?". Or is it, "So nice to see you again, AZAndy, our son's 'special friend'."

True story-- when I was in high school in the late 70s, a friend had a lesbian older sister. And their conservative parents referred to Mary as Michelle's 'special friend'. It wasn't disrespectful so far as I could tell, and I know Michelle wasn't bothered by it. It was more that their parents most likely knew the score but couldn't bring themselves to say it out loud.

Imperfect? Yes. But it never seemed as if it was done with malice.

Finally, your husband really should be open with his classmates of all people. "Oh, you like that car? Thanks, it's my husband's."

I hope he can eventually feel comfortable enough to say as much.
Reply Mon 2 Sep, 2019 02:08 pm
His family is pressuring him to get married. He has to fight this every phone call. They know nothing about me and don't want to. My attitude is why would you want someone as a friend when you can't share with them the important and meaningful pieces of your life.
Reply Mon 2 Sep, 2019 02:41 pm
Sorry, That sounds pretty cold of him.
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