How to politely tell boyfriend he needs better hygiene down below?

Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:16 am
izzythepush wrote:

Max has issues with women, anything where women assert themselves rattles his chains.

It's always best to assume he's talking about himself, not you, because that's usually the case.

Izzy has issues with Max. When he gets pissy he will follow me around from thread to thread to make every thread about me. At least on this thread he has addressed the topic at hand. I try not take it personally, I think that any time anyone rattles his chains (and I don't take his self righteous crap) he has these tantrums. I just tend to push his buttons more than most.

I am a little curious about how dictating the grooming habits of your partner is an example of "asserting oneself". I don't think this makes any sense. But I don't think Izzy is here to make sense.

I apologize on his behalf....

Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:28 am
Don't be ridiculous. When you start your usual misogyny I let new posters know.

How many female posters on A2K do you consider friends? Are there any?

This is a serious question because I cannot think of a single one who doesn't find you a bit creepy.

Maybe if you stopped worrying about how I, as a man, may react to your nonsense and instead thought about how not to offend women, you might get a bit more support from other posters.
Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:29 am
Reading all the comments, I absolutely agree with both lash and max.

No, you should not insult him, especially about his genitalia. He deserves respect.

Why however, are you allowing him to insult and disrespect you by presenting himself in such intimate moments in a clearly inappropriate way?

You need to set boundaries. You've already allowed him to overstep them multiple times, starting with that first gag inducing blow job. Personally, on that first encounter, for me it would have stopped at me discovering the situation and depending on the situation, the relationship may have continued no further. In your case, as you had already established a longer term affection for each other online, so sure, there's reason to work on this.

Right now, in both your heads, you are intertwining this hygeine and sex thing. They are absolutely 2 separate issues. One can lead to the other, but personal hygeine is a stand alone.

Get this straight in your head, and you can better talk to him about it. You're not insulting his sexual performance. Nor are you taking away from your present feelings for him, because at this moment he is apparantly unaware how this is disrespecting and insulting you.

Get this straight. Whether he is meaning to or not, whether he mopes about (thus on purpose or not making your feel like the bad guy), regardless of YOUR insecurities about feeling free to openly communicate with you, he is making your needs and desires subordinate, not equal to his.

You're worried about making him and his stinky penis, balls and ass feel insecure?
Please ask yourself where your insecurity is preventing you from speaking up as one adult to another about reality?
Do you feel he is wondering about your insecurity about being able to bring this up, and about your obvious distaste regarding his lack of cleansing ability?
Could it be that you are so worried about offending him, that you are forgetting how he is offending you?

"Loving someone to death" doesn't mean overlooking all your own needs in deference to theirs.

In every relationship, one needs to ask themselves as things come up "Is this a hill I'm willing to die on?" There is a danger that a person becoming willing to discount something that is actually very important to them, they will start to overlook everything, creating a real pressure cooker situation. Some day it's gonna blow.

Jespah mentioned the germ/disease factor. Personally, if I wasn't willing to put someone's penis in my mouth due to smegma, odor, god knows what else, I certainly would want him to put it into my vagina. Think about that.

His moping, consciously or unconsciously is his tool to make you feel bad about yourself, and make you stop making your own needs known.
What kind of grown man "mopes" like a little boy when confronted with an adult situation? Do you really want to "love to death" someone who mopes?

From where I'm sitting, it looks like you are so worried about how to politely tell him this (and by the way, you already have, more than once), you're overlooking that he has gotten this message from you already, and is unwilling to learn how to accomodate your needs.

It's time for a sit down adult upfront conversation about how something he's not doing is deeply offending you, how it's making you not want to be as close to him as you'd like to be, and how the situation can't continue.

Take a shower with him. Showering and sex aren't mutually exclusive. You can do both. In the shower, ask him to show you how he cleans himself. If it's lacking, show him how to do it so that it pleases you. Let him know that before being intimate, part of that is taking the time and effort to clean himself so that he won't offend you. You have the right not to be offended.

If he mopes about it, well, is that characteristic something you love to death?

Question. Is he uncircumsized? If he is, he need to learn how to draw back the foreskin and clean under there. Maybe he has a tight foreskin? Wow. That just occured to me. If it's too tight maybe he can't get under there. Ask him about this, and observe when he is washing himself if he is able to retract his foreskin to clean under it. If he is circumsised, again, is he being thourough?

If that is the issue, perhaps a visit to the doctor is in order. Not just for your immediate benefit, but his, and any future sexual partners he may have.

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Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:31 am
All right.

Right now. Max and izzy, izzy and max, take this off stage. Stop with the pissing matches. Do it privately. As jes has said, FFS stop it already.

Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:34 am
It probably goes back to his "training" as a child and will likely take a prolonged effort from you both to instill cleanliness as a habit. It will require direct confrontation (of a friendly but firm nature) perhaps for months or even a few years because it is ingrained in his nature to be as he is.
Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:36 am
Really Izzy! You think Women need you to tell them what they are thinking?

Believe it or not, women can think and speak for themselves. And women are different, they don't all fit into the narrow little stereotypical box into which you are putting them. Human beings (including women) are individuals, we all think for ourselves and express our own opinions. I consistently clash with you and Glitterbag (who are very similar). I have had some respectful interactions with Linkat and Chai. I don't think you have the right to speak for any of these women. I honestly don't think anyone here needs you to behave this way.

The problem here is that you have dragged your little obsession with me onto countless threads. I don't think many people enjoy our little spats.

If you weren't so full of yourself, you would understand that.

Now if you don't mind... let's stop this silly spat and get back to the topic.

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Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:40 am
Sorry Chai. You are right. I apologize.
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Reply Sun 1 Sep, 2019 10:40 am
edgarblythe wrote:

It probably goes back to his "training" as a child and will likely take a prolonged effort from you both to instill cleanliness as a habit. It will require direct confrontation (of a friendly but firm nature) perhaps for months or even a few years because it is ingrained in his nature to be as he is.


Also to the OP, you made me chuckle (not making fun of you, really)

Jes asked about religion being a factor, for example, body shaming.

Atheisim is not a factor in hygeine. Smile
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Reply Tue 3 Sep, 2019 09:37 am
Hi Mina,

Had the same exact problem with one of my bfs many years ago and managed to fix it, but it took some time. Like your boyfriend, if I was too direct in my comments about his hygiene he took it very badly, just withdrawing into himself and acting offended. He would then "overcompensate" by scrubbing himself raw, more than was actually needed, but after a few days it would be back to the nasty smells.

I know you said you can't easily shower with him on a regular basis, but even doing it once or twice and then showing him (not telling him) how much happier that makes you, might be enough to give him the hint he needs. Yes, he may try to have sex with you in the shower (all boys do) but you need to gently (teasingly if necessary) push him away and say you'r rather save it for the bedroom.

Once he is clean, give him oral and really show him how much you enjoy it. Later, make a passing and very indirect comment like "That was great, I really love it when everything is nice and clean and we both smell nice!"

That won't seem like a direct reference to the other times when he did smell or taste bad, but trust me, he will get the hint. If he doesn't, rinse and repeat.

On the other hand, it also needs to be said that over the years I have grown a much thicker skin when it comes to manly smells. Even the cleanest guy occasionally smells horrible down there, especially if you end up living together and you have the odd unplanned fumble. To be blunt, the longer you spend with a man the more likely you are to come across the occasional sweaty scrotum or cheesy knob. I'm not saying it's ever pleasant, I'm just saying it gets easier. Love definitely helps, lots of it!

To be fair, my husband has gone down on me many times when I was "unprepared", you can't always predict in a relationship when sex is going to happen and you can't always halt proceeding and say "hold on, I'm going to go and wash". That would kill things very quickly and believe me, after a few years of marriage you won't want to waste any opportunities! I'm lucky in that my hubby has always loved all my smells and tastes, he says they turn him on, so I never have to feel self-conscious about them. I wouldn't go as far as to say that I'm turned on by his smells, but these days I find them a lot easier to tolerate.

I guess what I'm saying is: don't put up with bad hygiene, but at the same time be prepared to compromise sometimes when your boyfriend has tried his best but is still not minty fresh down there. Face it, you probably don't smell of roses down there either lol...
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