I am involved with a man who is seeing another woman

Yeah, Hurting.... Congratulations. Walking out because you deserve more is a big step toward the self-confidence needed for a good life. Expect to hurt for a while and know that we're here for you.

Re: Thank You


I just knew when you got here that you'd quickly be thinking more clearly. You were saying so in your very first post but not listening to yourself.

Your strength isn't gone though, I'm sure of it, and that self-confidence is going to come flooding back -- you'll see. It is going to be hard but not so hard as you might think. Just pretend he's gone again overseas and this time you've got other plans.

It's a really good idea to recognize that you won't want to rush into another relationship. <patting you on the back> Can I suggest something else? I know there's a way to change your name once on a2k. Consider changing yours to one that is more positive, so everytime you read it you'll be thinking, I'm a new woman. It will make you feel a whole lot better.

You can do that by asking at the Contact Us link - just click on it - the bottom of this page. It's in small blue letters. I don't know for sure they will agree to the change, but they very well might.

We know you will be hurting, but a new name will help you connect to moving on as yourself.

hurtinglover--

You're thinking more clearly now. Remember, you are the most important person in your world and you deserve honesty--and honest affection.

Hold your dominion.

Well its been 2 days since I done it. I told him to get out of my life . I was not that nice. I ended up angry and I was trying to talk to him but then the anger set in and I just lost it. We were discussing the things about the calls and notes and he said he called Michelle and she did try to call him back that day but he didn't get the phone. She left him a message . He said he still has some questions for her and that he needed proof of some kind. it was the most ridiculous thing i had ever heard. Then he told me he was having to go for his reserve weekend and his girlfriend was going. I guess I just lost it. I told him that in 2 years she has called my house spoke to me, my mom and my son on different occasions and when confronted she just cried and jumped up and down until he believed her and she got by with it. Now we have this woman who is saying hey i did this, this is how, why when. I mean she set herself up for all kinds of legal action or trouble by admitting this and she has absolutley nothing to gain, but your just letting everything she said go just because you don't have proof in your hands. Also I told him that sometimes you just have to trust your heart and that he knows in his heart shes been responsible for these things, and that the things that happened to me doesnt' matter all that matters to him is that he has Proof, and the only reason he wants the proof is because he doesn't want to let her go or believe it and even if he had the proof it wouldn't make any difference and all i wanted him to do was to get out of my life and take her with him.

So that was Thursday night, this is saturday and no i haven't called him, even though the anxiety and doubts are setting in but i have stayed strong.

I just dont' know which way to turn right now. It hurts so bad.

Terry

Terry--

Good for you.

Of course you're hurting now. This creep (and his self-centered lies) have been a big part of your life and healing the wound will take time.

Do you have plans for tonight? Tomorrow? Sitting and brooding isn't a good idea.

We're here if you need us.

Hold your dominion.

Terry, go to a bookstore and buy "How to Survive the Loss of a Love." I recommend this little book to everyone going through what you're going through because it's a lifesaver. Go now, this evening, if you can, to buy it.

Hang in there.

Of course it hurts! You didn't think it would be easy, did you?

But you've done the right thing. <nodding> Absolutely. This guy deserves everything he's going to get from that girl! YOU, however, deserve better! And one of these days, you're going to have it. Yes, you are!

You will probably alternate between anger and depression for awhile. That's a normal part of the grieving process, so don't let it fool you. Just come here and talk to us if you need to. We're on your side, and we know you're going to get through this.

(((HUGS)))

Hurting...Pardon my presumption, but it's my experience that the anxiety-depression (the butterflies) you are probably experiencing has a lot to do with loss of self-esteem when one is rejected or just when a relationship fails. But do remember that YOU have done the rejecting and for good healthy reasons--to fight against victimization. Eventually you won't feel any loss or sense of failure. On the contrary, you'll have a sense of well-earned victory and well-being. Stay strong. What did Nietzsche say? It's become a cliche, but it's true: What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. You're getting stronger. It's good for us to see what you are accomplishing.

Day 3
Well last night was horrible. I haven't cried though! I am giving myself that much no tears yet. Last night i started shaking and getting alot of anxiety. So I pulled out the Star Wars Trilogy and watched all 3 with my children. It kept me occupied. Today I started cleaning the house, I kind of took it to extremes, you know pulling everything out, cleaning the doors, vents, walls, fans. Just whatever I had to. It doesnt' stop me from thinking that he comes home tonight from his weekend at base. My feelings haven't changed, I talked with my friend who helped me get the number, told him thank you for helping me. I told him what was happening and he just shook his head. He said hes had arrests and convictions on the sole testimony of eye witnesses and people who says yes I did it for them. He agreed that its just excuses not to have to deal with the facts.

I get angry in some ways when I think about what shes done. Even more that he just lets it happen. Last year for example, she came in the house while we were asleep swearing up and down that someone called her. She told him it was me. I was laying there asleep beside him! Anyway this lady who made the calls, admitted to watching his house and calling her when I was there. She admitted to putting notes on my car, and calling me telling me things. For instance one time before I ever went into work one night someone called me and told me that He had went out with her with the boys and they went to see Pirates of the Carrabien and went backt o her house and the boys played games and then went fishing. So when I told him about the call he confronted her and she swore she didnt' know how I knew those details. it wasn't her even called her sister and asked her if it was her. Once again she got by with it. Michelle told me on the phone it was her.

Emotionally I am stripped of everything. For 2 years this lady has done everything she wanted to. One time she called my house and my son answered and she told him all kinds of things about me and him and even told my son that he and I were sleeping together before I left there father. I was irrate, so I called her with my son on the other end of the phone. I told her about the call and asked her if it was her she said no, then I told her my son was on the other end of the phone. (I had told my son if he wasn't comfortable to hang up) My son spoke up and told me and I quote "mom its her, it was her I talked to I said are you sure and he said positive no doubt". He hung up but she called him a liar. She did the same thing to me and my mom on 2 different occasions, she called talked to us and then when he confronted her she called us liars, even when we told her face to face it was her.

I have honestly felt insane, I have had to doubt myself. I dont' understand why he keeps going. Like the other night when he told me she was going this weekend. He started talking about how mad it made him she was going, she invited herself. he has some training this weekend and would be camping all weekend but she said she would just go stay with her cousin. He claimed they fought about it. All I could say in the end was yea but shes still going she still won.

My question is why in all these years, did it not matter what she was doing. i could understand someone letting someone by once or twice but repeated. There not even married, I mean if they were going for a divorce and settlement I could understand. the only answer is he doesnt' want out. He wants her and thats it.

I have degraded myself so much, used people to make him jealous, crying , begging, settling for whatever he wanted to throw me. Sitting here alone wanting him knowing he was with her, It may sound crazy but I could feel it in my bones when they were together, still can.

Okay just trying to sort out my thoughts, thanks for listening,

Terry

Terry--

This creep isn't interested in your needs or the other woman's needs--just his own needs. This other woman may be wacko--but she's not complicating his life directly, so he doesn't feel he needs to deal with the problem.

Cleaning is marvelous therapy. You wind up tired enough to sleep and you wake up to a clean house.

This first weekend will be the hardest--and you're almost through the weekend.

If you love a person and there is something that brings them happiness it should also bring you happiness. True love is not selfish

You bet, Terry. But tell me if I'm wrong. You are still focusing more than necessary on the faults and stupidities of the other woman, almost as if the guy is not at fault. They've both been scum, and you should FORGET to give either one any more mental energy than you can help. Stay strong. You are not the victim; you're the survivor. I even think that other gal has been and is suffering as much or more as you have. But let's not concern yourself about her. Enjoy your kids and your future. Getting rid of the guy and the other gal is like clearing out trash and unwanted furniture from your house; you now have space to put good stuff into it.
JL

Zipp City--



I wish you great joy in your love life.

Personally I prefer to steer clear of people who cause me unhappiness. I feel they are lacking in True Love.

Hear, hear!

That is EXACTLY right!

I never heard of so much trash! I'm astonished that you put up with it for so long, Terry! Make a promise to yourself: NEVER AGAIN. Life is too short to waste any time and energy on that kind of bullsh!t. Tell yourself you're well rid of them. Because you ARE!

Cry Terry. Allow yourself that. To repress your tears is not a good thing. It's a cleansing that's necessary. Let them go and in turn, it will help you to let the pain go.

I just wanted to once again say thank you
I know I kinda slipped away. To be honest i started talking to him again, but only for a few times. When I talked to him it made me realize that I really DID NOT want this anymore. I don't hate him. I cried, I had some sleepless nights however, I am good. It's been over a month since he and i were together. Guess what I survived. not only survived I am smiling and doing well.

I started this new job, great group of people! Then theres one in particular who has been through a very hurtful relationship and we went to dinner. We talked about the pain and in the end I could not believe I gave so much to this person with virtually nothing in return. But I don't regret loving anyone.

Life is good, theres blue skys, and the sun shining, the only sleepless nights I have is me trying to figure out what I want to do next. Taking the time to figure out what steps I need to do to put my life together.

I am excited! Don't get me wrong, I still think about it. I feel the guards I have in place, but emotionally I am back with knowing I am going to be okay.

Thanks for everything, each of you were great. Also I am going to try to change my name because I am no longer a hurtinglover.

Terry

Yay, Terry! Glad to hear the skies turned blue for you... remember to take care of yourself. Best wishes, P.

Way to go, Terry!