Open marriages....do they work?

dragon49 wrote:

..I guess i have always believed that marriage meant two partners would forsake all others for each other. am i just old fashioned? I just can't imagine him with anyone else.

Old fasioned maybe... but that isn't a bad thing in my book. I feel the same way.

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dragon49 wrote:

isn't infidelity one of the ten commandments-thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife?

Yes it is... but so is the far more explicit "Thou shalt not commit adultery"

I'll be honest, i'm totally against infidelity of any kind. If nothing else there is too much risk involved. What if he likes it and you don't? Would you happily stay at home at nights while he fucked around??

Sorry but i don't see how anybody could even contemplate it. Religion aside, i find the idea of my ex with someone new after more than 8 months since we broke up horrifically gut renching. The idea of my present boyfriend with someone else actually makes me want to throw up right now. And I'm barely an adult!

Sorry to do the Rachel bit but how would you feel knowing that another woman had kissed him, and held him and made love to him? How would you feel knowing that their (and i quote now) "sweaty writhing bodies" were moving together. How would you feel knowing he might prefer her body, find her more attractive, wish sometimes he was with her not you

Sorry to rain on your parade, but i think anyone who could do that doesn't really have a soul mate

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Bekaboo wrote:

[ What if he likes it and you don't? Would you happily stay at home at nights while he **** around??.

Of course if we both weren't comfortable with it, then neither one of us would continue. It's quite experimental. I have no idea how I'll feel after, or if I would even go through with it in the first place. We're just tossing the idea around

"""The idea of my present boyfriend with someone else actually makes me want to throw up right now. And I'm barely an adult!""""

Yes, and when I was just barely an adult, the thought of my husband with someone else would have made me want to throw up also. We have grown so much as a couple in the past 20 years that something like this could never tear us apart. It is meant to make us closer.

"""Sorry to rain on your parade, but i think anyone who could do that doesn't really have a soul mate""""

Don't worry, there's no way you could do that! We are definitely soul mates. How could I ever discuss this with anyone if they weren't my soul mate? We have been through so much together, I am so much more in love with him now than I have ever been..which is why I think this would work. We have a wonderful marriage, we keep nothing from each other.
Marriage is made up of so many things, sex is just a small part of it. We are talking about exploring our sexuality, and nothing else. There is so much more to marriage than sex. This is a small part of our lives that we want to explore together.

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oh, and thanks for all the comments, positive and negative. It gives me a lot to think about. I definitely want to research all possible scenarios before we decide to or not to do this. I'm not going to jump into this without exploring all avenues.

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Of the responses so far, I agree with this one the most:

ehBeth wrote:

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The guidelines and results are as different as every couple is. It's definitely something to approach with extreme caution.

I don't know any 'numbers' on this, but the anecdotal evidence in my circle is very mixed.

One thing I was going to say was how would we respond to a topic that had the exact same title, minus "open"? There is simply no universal. Some work, some don't, and for lots of different reasons.

I understand that you're looking to get been there done that advice, which I don't have, and which is why I haven't said anything yet.

What I will say is that of the anecdotal evidence I'm aware of, it skews heavily toward reality being far different from the fantasy. Especially, no two partners seem to have exactly the same experience, and that seems to often be a source of friction. Wife loved it and REALLY wants to do it again, husband didn't like it much but was basically OK with it -- once was enough. Husband loved it and REALLY wants to do it again, wife didn't like it much but was basically OK with it -- once was enough. Wife loved it, husband absolutely hated it and is deeply disturbed that wife liked it so much. Husband loved it, wife absolutely hated it and is deeply disturbed that wife liked it so much. Both hated it, blame each other for making the pleasant fantasy into such an unpleasant reality. That of course leaves room for both loved it, too, but that seems to be the distinct minority.

Not even getting into the aspects of when extra-marital partners go bad -- diseases, jealousy on THEIR part, stalker, whatever.

What has struck me most though is how many people have said some variation of "I wish I could just go back in time..." It changes their relationship on a fundamental level, and not for the better.

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KelleyF11 wrote:

Yes, and when I was just barely an adult, the thought of my husband with someone else would have made me want to throw up also. We have grown so much as a couple in the past 20 years that something like this could never tear us apart. It is meant to make us closer.

First, what has changed that before the thought made you want to throw up but now it is OK? Second, you don't know that this won't tear you apart. Third, inviting somebody else into your marriage to make you closer is like throwing gas on a fire to try to put it out... it just doesn't make sense.

KelleyF11 wrote:

Don't worry, there's no way you could do that! We are definitely soul mates. How could I ever discuss this with anyone if they weren't my soul mate?

Quite easily... in fact I would imagine it would be much easier to do with someone you DIDN'T care about then somebody you did.

KelleyF11 wrote:

We have been through so much together, I am so much more in love with him now than I have ever been..which is why I think this would work. We have a wonderful marriage, we keep nothing from each other.

The thing I don't understand is if you love him so much why can't you explore your sexuality with him? Why do you want to bring somebody else into the mix?

KelleyF11 wrote:

Marriage is made up of so many things, sex is just a small part of it. We are talking about exploring our sexuality, and nothing else. There is so much more to marriage than sex. This is a small part of our lives that we want to explore together.

You're right about there being so much more to a marriage then sex. It is about honoring each other, loving each other, growing and learning WITH EACH OTHER but it is always about two people... not three or four or twenty seven.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

ehBeth wrote:
and at some point, one or both partners may feel safe enough to say that they want to add something to one area or another of that relationship. That would, to my eye, be an extraordinary proof of the strength of the relationship - not a weakness.

The point I was trying to make was that a relationship that strong wouldn't need anybody else involved in it.

In my opinion, involving other people in my relationship with my wife would lower the relationship to nothing more then marriage for convenience devoid of trust and the specialness that we share with each other. It would not prove the strength but rather exploit the flaws and weaknesses of each other... but to each his own I guess. <shrugs>

You're right - to each his own. You have very clearly described how you feel about your wife and your relationship - but that is what it is - you, and your wife and your relationship. Individuals are complex - relationships are exponentially complex. You have one set of views about how relationships work - based on you and your wife. Involving other people in your relationship with your wife would change it - in a bad way. That does not necessarily extrapolate to any other particular couple.

I'm not advocating that any couple 'swing', but I do think there is a possibility that there are some relationships that may benefit from it - and it is only relationships that are very strong to begin with that can do so.

It's like having a baby - it is not something to do in the expectation of strengthening a marriage.

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The idea of swinging might be a great fantasy, but sometimes fantasies should stay fantasies. Taking it to the next level could be opening a big can of worms even in a great marriage.
The reason your marriage has been so solid is due in part to the intimacy and monogamy between the two of you.
You can't predict how either of you will feel afterwards. Neither can you predict if one and not the other will want to do it again.
Then there's the fact that there are some nasty STD's out there.
Remember, once it's done, you can't un-do it.
There's just so many if's. Why risk it?
There are so many unhappy marriages who would love to have what you and your man have. If there were even a miniscule chance of jeopardizing that, it's just not worth it, IMHO

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shmookiedoo wrote:

Remember, once it's done, you can't un-do it.
There's just so many if's. Why risk it?
There are so many unhappy marriages who would love to have what you and your man have. If there were even a miniscule chance of jeopardizing that, it's just not worth it, IMHO

That's a good point. I guess I feel my marriage is so strong that nothing could tear us apart, but...I've never been there and therefore have no idea how I'll feel after the fact. You're right, once it's done you can't undo it.

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Kind of like life.

Or awareness.

Or growth.

You can never undo it or go back.

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Kelley,

I would venture to say that you and your husband have a wonderful, open, and honest relationship. That your feelings for each other are concrete. You can see no problem so big that it would tear you apart. Your sex life is probably fantastic and you are open to explore new things in the bedroom. And that's why the thought of your husband touching another woman's body in the same way he touches yours - is no threat to you.

But, remember.......it is only a fantasy at this point. One that I am sure turns you both on. When that fantasy turns into reality and you start to wonder ~ "Did he enjoy her as much as he does me?" - or - "Did she feel better to him" - or - "Did he do the things to her that he does to me....and did he hold her afterwards, the way he holds me?" When these things flow through your mind, and they will, how will you feel then?

Will you still have the same trust for each other afterwards?

If your marriage is strong now - do you think this will make it stronger? Or does your marriage need to be open in order to survive the long haul?

I think you need to ask yourself if doing this is worth the loss of what you share together now. Not saying that it would destroy you. Some couples probably do this and have no problems. But if I had a man in my life that I felt was my soulmate. That I loved more than life itself. That I wanted to grow old with. I would not want to do anything that might hurt us. Even if in my mind the chance of that was slim to none. For even the slimmist of chances are too harsh a reality to take the risk of losing what we shared together. No matter how much I believed we'd survive it.

Simple fact is - by nature we are all protective of whom or what we love. And naturally possessive of the same. It's just that most people know how to control it. How to keep it minimal so the relationship stays healthy. But when the happy balance that we have grown accustomed to gets shook a little bit .....not everyone can stay on course.

Anyways good luck to you.

PS- jpinMilwaukee ....... "right ON" to everything you said. Smile

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Swinging or open marrage
Hi

Thanks for your question, as it is a very good one. As I read your question one thing stands out in my mind, are you talking about swinging or open marriage. Some would argue that there is no difference but in my opinion there is a big difference. In a relationship that involves swinging the marrital relationship is the only relationship. There is almost a mechanistic separation between feelings and sex. Meaning a swigning relationship is about please and not feelings. Usually once feelings for others begin to devleop in a swinging relatiionship the relationship with the other is ended by the couple. It would therefore fair to say that. are brought into the 'bedroom' as a way of pushing the limits of sexual epxloration for a couple.

In an open marriage the couple remains married but the relationship is more diffused. One or both members of the couple form secondary, teritiary, and more relationships with others. Unlike a swinging relationship the couple does develop an emotional attachment to others and usually sex does not occrr in a group situation. Instead the sex occurrs within the limits of the other relationships that have formed. Which means you are being married and allowed to date.

Swinging and open marriages can be successful if done correctly. Otherwise they can be come quite destructive. The main thing that determine if it is going to be successful or not is the level of commuction the couple has. The better the communication the greater the likeliehood of success.

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Open marriages....do they work?

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