Open marriages....do they work?

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Lately, my husband and I have been discussing the possibility of exploring the "open" marriage arrangement. We have been together for 20 years, married 17. We had kids young and were so caught up with the family life and our sex life had been pushed to the back burner. Now that our kids have gotten older, we have found each other sexually again. In the past 3 years our sex life has been really amazing. I can't believe how much I enjoy sex now. It's so much better now that I've gotten older. I'll be 40 at the end of the year and I feel like my "second" life is just starting. Anyway...jokingly one night I talked about what it would be like to have sex with someone else. He is the only man I have ever been with and honestly, I have always wondered what it would be like to have sex with someone else. I love my hubby very much, but I have been somewhat curious. As the months went on we talked about it a little more and he commented that "If you get one freebie, I get one freebee". I agreed that would only be fair and we started to work out the "stipulations" of our agreement. Of course, it was all in fun at first but now we are seriously considering it. We actually have friends that "swing" and have been approached but have always declined. I'm not sure I could sleep with a friend because I have no idea how I would feel afterwards and I wouldn't want to ruin any friendships because I "thought" I would be fine with it. Also, the plan we have is to only do this once, just for the experience.
Does anyone have any kind of "open" marriage relationship? Does it work? What are the guidelines?

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No open marriage for me. If you ask me, an open marriage kind of defeats the purpose of getting married in the first place. Why do you want to know what it is like to sleep with someone else? Are you looking for something better? What happens if you find something that IS better? Why not just get a divorce and go your seperate ways?

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I love my husband and he is my soul mate. I could never live my life without him. I guess I'm just curious. I'm not looking for better, just different. Variety is the spice of life. I guess I have a different attitude about life lately....you live it once, so have fun with it. If I try it and I don't feel comfortable with it, I won't try it again. I have been faithful to my husband for 20 years, and I could be for another 50 if that were his wishes. If we both do this together, it's an experience for us as a couple.

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If you love your husband that much, why would you want to break that vow that you made to him when you married him?

What will you do if you find something better?

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For some reason it seems to me, that men have a huge issue with their wife sleeping with another man, even if they say ok to this. However, if the sex is amazing, why go somewhere else? Plus, once it is done, if you both regret it, the damage is already done. I suggest leaving well enough alone. Why not try to do new things together like rent some adult movies, act out the scenes, role play, or something like that. Then you can pretend without violating the sanctity of marriage.

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What if you both do it, he enjoys it and you dont?What happens then.

As i get older i see how certain things in relationships dont seem important and can be brushed aside, eg peple are unfaithful but saty together, but I doubt either of you will do it just the once.
Open marriages arnt for me, as Jpin says,what was the point in getting married in the first place.Why break yuor vows, you either mean them or you dont.Get a divorce and you can have all the people you want.

No offence, Im sure you love each other lots but it sounds to me like your husband is happy you want to stray, then he can stray too.

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Oh, and I knew a couple that had an open marriage...they are divorced now because he couldn't handle the thought of his wife with another man even though he was with other women. Honor thy vows if you truly want to keep your marriage. And, my parents, coming up on 35 years of marriage, have never been with anyone else either, and somehow I think that makes their marriage extremely special (its not something that is common in today's day and age unfortunately-I wish I could say it-however I think I would beat my hubby to a pulp if he wanted an open marriage! Smile

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kelly i honestly think thats awesome. If the two of you are open minded enough and really work out the stips as you said you are I think you should do it and can do it people do it all the time.

Now you MUST BE READY FOR ANY CONSEQUENCES. You may feel your husband is your soul mate and that you are his, but to be honest **** happens!!!!!! Either on of you could get smitten by someone or something new. whats to say that maybe you try this "ONCE" and all goes well until one day one of you sees someone who you wonder what it would be like to sleep with. You may open pandora's box and maybe one of you wants to continue "trying new things" and one did not like the experience etc.

there are a million scenarios good and bad that may happen. It all relies on how much you both are a. serious and b. respectful of each others decisions and thoughts afterwards.

Read my signature and that says it all!!!!!!

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A few of my friends have open marriages, and they mostly work out just fine. The ones that haven't worked out were actually accelerated ... the right things that needed to happen happened sooner.

It takes a bit more communication and sharing of how things are going . . . so in that way it's superior to a closed marriage where two adults don't need to communicate (or know) as much about each other.

The guidelines setup between two people are as unique as those two people.

If you look outside of your particular relationship for "rules", then you are gaurenteed to create something inappropriate. If you look for ideas rather than rules, and settle on whatever feels right for both of you, then you're gaureenteed to create a very special and strong relationship. You'll have a LOT to talk about and learn about each other.

Personally, if my spouse wanted to sleep around, I would demand that she does. Trying to suppress and control somone is not exactly "love", and only makes their needs come out even more. When two people want to live and grow together, they should go for it together.

Healthy marriage vows should encourage people to live fuller lives - together - and experience more in this life than they otherwise would.

Of course you are playing with fire, emotionally and socially, but that's exactly why it can be a warm and amazing good thing, just as well as a stressful bad one. You're an adult now. Build fires deliberately, wherever they light and enrichen your life.

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Im all for not suppressing feelings/urges but Id HATE the idea of any future husband/boyfriend sleeping with someone else!!

Yes if you love someone 'set them free' but if they care/love me why the hell are they kn*bbing someone else!!!

Even if sex had got a bit tired, the fact that my bf/husband would JUST be having sex would make it just as bad as id know they were having a great time but Id still love them, then they may fall in love themselves with the woman.

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CodeBorg wrote:

When two people want to live and grow together, they should go for it together.

Why get married then??? Why not just live together and get your kicks however you want?

I look at my marriage as something between me and my wife. I love her more then anybody else in this world and she knows more about me then anybody else in this world. This makes it a special relationship for me... one that I don't want to share with anybody else. It makes what we do in the bedroom (or the living room or kitchen or shower or whatever) that much more personal for me. Do I have thought about other women? Sure I do, I am human... but I know that no relationship could ever come as close to the relationship I have with my wife. I'm just not willing to place that in jeopardy because she or I might be curious or think we want somebody else... that's just silly to me.

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MG - You'd get to know what your feelings are pretty quick, huh? Awareness.

And those questions that you ask, you would discover what the answers are rather than having to ask them.

By learning a lot about ourselves and each other, together, that insecurity and desperation goes away.

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JP - Getting married means having the commitment to be close, communicate and know other, and to live together.

My single friends don't have that commitment, so when they date a few different people, those relationships tend to be more manipulative and controlling. Marriage gets rid of that insecurity, and opens things up to share even more - if it's not about closing in and crushing a person, but exploring all aspects of who we are. Together.

The reason to explore our sexuality is to be even more close - with ourselves, our own emotions and experience, and share that with our partners. It's not about entertainment or getting ones kicks, as much as growing together.

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KelleyF11 wrote:

Does it work? What are the guidelines?

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. The guidelines and results are as different as every couple is. It's definitely something to approach with extreme caution.

I don't know any 'numbers' on this, but the anecdotal evidence in my circle is very mixed.

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CodeBorg wrote:

Marriage gets rid of that insecurity, and opens things up to share even more - if it's not about closing in and crushing a person, but exploring all aspects of who we are. Together.

The reason to explore our sexuality is to be even more close - with ourselves, our own emotions and experience, and share that with our partners.

Those two sentences seem a bit contradictory to me. You want to explore together and share with your partner but want to bring somebody else into the relationship in order to do it. You can explore your sexuality all you want with your spouse... infact I would hope you be able to explore your sexuality even more with your spouse then a third person. The beautiful thing about that is you explore together and learn together from one another. That seems a lot more intimate and emotional then saying "I want to show you something I learned from some body else I was with the other night."

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It's not about seeking others and bringing them in, as with a marriage therapist or sex toy. It's about living with ourselves and being with each other.

It's about letting each other saying "I really love it when..."! It should be okay to say that.

And then the partner saying "Really?!? Why?" It should be okay to ask, explore each other and find out more.

"Honey, let's go find out!" What is that feeling, what's going on there, how are we, and how does it work?

It seems like a closed relationship rejects and shuts down more of ourself than an open one.

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i hate to bring religion in because i know what a controversy it can stir up, but isn't infidelity one of the ten commandments-thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife? IMO, this is one of the things that marriage meant to me. now i did not have a religious ceremony, we were married by a judge who was a close friend of the family, but I guess i have always believed that marriage meant two partners would forsake all others for each other. am i just old fashioned? I just can't imagine him with anyone else.

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CodeBorg wrote:

It's about letting each other saying "I really love it when..."! It should be okay to say that.

And then the partner saying "Really?!? Why?" It should be okay to ask, explore each other and find out more.

"Honey, let's go find out!" What is that feeling, what's going on there, how are we, and how does it work?

It seems like a closed relationship rejects and shuts down more of ourself than an open one.

You can do all of that in a closed relationship. I tell my wife how I feel all the time. I tell her what I want and she tells me what she wants.

It seems to me that the relationship you are describing has more to do with a communication problem then anything else. Relationships, like life, has ups and downs.. that's just the way things are. Now I understand the idea of different strokes for different folks, but I think that if a relationship is strong enough and important enough to both partners, they should be able express whatever they are feeling at anytime and feel comfortable doing it.

I'm not saying that having a open marriage is wrong... I understand that some people love it and that it works very well for some. I guess I just have a different idea of what a marriage is. I'm not saying one is better then the other... just different.

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jpinMilwaukee wrote:

but I think that if a relationship is strong enough and important enough to both partners, they should be able express whatever they are feeling at anytime and feel comfortable doing it.

and at some point, one or both partners may feel safe enough to say that they want to add something to one area or another of that relationship. That would, to my eye, be an extraordinary proof of the strength of the relationship - not a weakness.

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ehBeth wrote:

and at some point, one or both partners may feel safe enough to say that they want to add something to one area or another of that relationship. That would, to my eye, be an extraordinary proof of the strength of the relationship - not a weakness.

The point I was trying to make was that a relationship that strong wouldn't need anybody else involved in it.

In my opinion, involving other people in my relationship with my wife would lower the relationship to nothing more then marriage for convenience devoid of trust and the specialness that we share with each other. It would not prove the strength but rather exploit the flaws and weaknesses of each other... but to each his own I guess. <shrugs>

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Open marriages....do they work?

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