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Concerned about long term boyfriends beer drinking habits. Am I over reacting?

 
 
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 01:09 am
My boyfriend and I have been dating over a year and in the past two months he has been drinking more than 5 beers everyday. If it’s a weekend he will start drinking when he wakes up. He has blacked out two times just this past month when he’s been out with his friends. He tells me he’s getting a beer gut and needs to cut back on drinking but hasn’t changed anything. He’s not mean or aggravated when he drinks, but I’m worried about his long term health and how this habit could start affecting our life together. He missed a day of work last week because he drank too much the night before and didn’t feel good the next morning. I’ve brought it up before and he said “It’s not like I'm an alcoholic, I don’t depend on beer or alcohol and it doesn’t change me. I don’t know why you’re worried.” He also has been getting stomach aches from drinking and I tell him that’s it’s probably because he doesn’t drink water or any other drinks besides dr peppers. During this past week there was 3 days where he had drank nothing but beer all day. Could someone please give me advice or tell me if this is/isn’t something I should be worried about? Thank you in advance for your help.
 
izzythepush
 
  7  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 03:06 am
@Looking4advice,
You should be concerned. He's drinking weekly recommended amount in one day.

He may not be an alcoholic but he's on his way to becoming one.

If he's still young, early 20s, he can probably change but if he's older than 30 I think it's ingrained.

This level of drinking may be OK when you're on holiday, but normally, day to day, it's destructive.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  6  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 06:51 am
@Looking4advice,
Google alcoholism and codependency.

I am not a doctor but damn, when he drinks a lot on a daily basis, he drinks to blackout regularly, and he starts missing work and wondering if his drinking is affecting his health, then I don't need an MD to know he's an alcoholic or, as Izzy says, on the road to becoming one.
maxdancona
 
  3  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 08:19 am
@Looking4advice,
This is a difficult situation... I have a few thoughts

1. You should check out Al-Anon. In the US this is an organization specifically for the family and friends of alcoholics. They are a good way to get professional advice and support.

2. You can not save your boyfriend. Hopefully you understand this. He is responsible for getting help and if he isn't ready, there is nothing you can do for him.

3. You can take care of yourself. And you can express your feelings. Saying "I am worried that you are missing work" or "I don't like when you ... " are healthy thing to say. Saying "you need to stop drinking" isn't helpful.

4. There is nothing wrong with you ending the relationship. This is your decision, but there is nothing wrong with saying you don't want to be in a relationship with an alcoholic. Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself.
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  3  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 12:27 pm
@Looking4advice,
Looking4advice wrote:

During this past week there was 3 days where he had drank nothing but beer all day. Could someone please give me advice or tell me if this is/isn’t something I should be worried about? Thank you in advance for your help.


Whether or not that he’s an alcoholic and it’s a technicality. This issue isn’t as important as is the fact that he repeatedly drinks so much that he passes out. There’s something seriously wrong and that is keeping him in an unhealthy relationship with himself. If he can’t get along with himself then how can he be there for you?

Until he admits this has gotten out of control and gets professional help for his problem(s) I’d step away from the relationship. He can’t be much fun in this state. mor
Ragman
 
  3  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 12:29 pm
@Ragman,
More importantly, if he’s not getting help, then he’s not got his priorities in order. Expressing your concern that he do something about it now is the right way to go in the long run. Tough love, and all that. You would be standing up for something important.
0 Replies
 
roger
 
  3  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 01:54 pm
@Ragman,
Ragman wrote:



. . . in an unhealthy relationship with himself.


That's an interesting and useful way of putting it.
0 Replies
 
Lash
 
  -3  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 06:57 am
Go now. Don't even tell him why. He'll say everything you want to hear - and hide drinking. You'll want to hear those lies and soon, you lose clear perspective. You'll believe because you'll want to so desperately.

You are opening a world of misery to your future children. Go now.
chai2
 
  0  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 08:39 am
@Lash,
Lash wrote:

Go now. Don't even tell him why. He'll say everything you want to hear - and hide drinking. You'll want to hear those lies and soon, you lose clear perspective. You'll believe because you'll want to so desperately.

You are opening a world of misery to your future children. Go now.


Because of course, no one ever stops drinking.
And of course, everyone wants children.

Lash
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 09:31 am
@chai2,
That’s sort of funny. Some people do have children, and they’re usually amazed to find out they’ll do things for their children that, for some reason, they won’t do for themselves. Trying to manipulate her into avoiding misery..

And, the drinking isn’t the worst part of living with an alcoholic—it’s the reason they drink. It never goes away. They very often rage against some gnawing void in their life and can only maintain peace with the help of drugs or alcohol. Without some dulling substance, the rage often misfires at wives, husbands, children, traffic, bosses, the world...

I’m trying to warn off a girl who doesn’t have to wreck her life.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 01:16 pm
@Lash,
So again. In your world it is a given that if someone drinks, they either never stop, or if they do, never get any quality of life back, or make themselves a normal life.

So, the blanket statement that the reason someone drinks Never goes away. They exist until the day they die with an unfilled void.

Interesting.



I believe this woman (not girl) has every right to be concerned about the increased drinking habits of someone she loves. Perhaps it would be a good idea for her to break it off. Not with just disappearing with no reason.

The fact is, many many people do stop drinking, and go on to leave happy productive lives.

It is just as counterproductive to suggest someone just give up and leave when the going gets tough, as to tell someone they must stay.

There is a tremendous amount of possibility between the 2 points.

There are many resources both for her, and the person she's discussing.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 02:34 pm
I feel the need here to make a stand about common sentiments I hear similar to what Lash said. The ones that that boil down to this belief we've been force fed that for some reason, if you drink alcoholically at some point during your life, you might as well through in the towel and resign yourself to a life of misery and rage.

First, to address this actual thread. The woman that posted (once so far, and has not been back) states the man she's had a relationship with a year or more has increased his drinking in the last 2 months. I can't speak for anyone else here, but I would hate to think that something I started dating 2 months ago would cause someone who cared for me to just disappear from what appeared to be an otherwise good relationship. I would hope that over an 8 week period, even if I protested there wasn't a problem, someone who claimed to care for me would stick around at least a few minutes longer to see what was going on.

Anyway, moving on from that.....

There's a lot of money to be made in alcohol treatment. It is very much worth the while of treatment centers to convince not only the alcoholic, but the family, that there is Always this, for example, raging, destructive, pick out any other number of extreme terms.....person living in this void without humanity, almost (but not quite because hey, this treatment center exists) beyond the reach of any help, solution or possibilty for any sort of normal, let alone happy existence, without 24/7 extreme efforts being made, for the rest of your life.

A total crock.

Yes, yes. I'm not leaving out people who are impossible to reach. Those who end up dying, or permanently incapacitated. Those who can't be reached, reasoned with ever. Very sad, and very damaging to themselves and others. Those are people who also had one or more mental/emotional servere problems. Regardless of whether they drank or not.

I'm not addressing those, and I'm certainly not going to through the guy mentioned in the OP into that catagory. At least not without a lot more information.

The truth is, for many/most people who drink alcoholically, who haven't severely injured their health yet, the reality is not so nearly dramatic or exciting. However, it isn't in the best interests of many treatment centers to not convince them or the families there aren't almost insurmontable issues that only they can help.

Note. I'm not saying there isn't a place for treatment centers. I'm not saying their aren't problems of a heavy nature to be worked on....but it's complete and utter bullshit to proclaim that every such person exists in a raging void.

What more commonly happens, and what has happened for millenium for people who realize there is a problem and stop drinking is just so much more happy.

It's amazing how when a person stops drinking, suddenly everything and everyone around you realizes they have been treating you so badly, and just as suddenly resolve to be better to you. Laughing

Over a short period, your job/boss just don't treat you as horribly as before. People in general, and some in particular, do really odd things like smile at you, stop arguing with you, in general get off your back.

In turn, you start to feel less and less anger toward them too. It's just so curious how that works. Do you need some help in working out this anger? Sure... or maybe, or maybe not. To put everyone into this single bucket is irresponsible.

Just so strange how there's suddenly more money in your pocket. How paying your bills on time just stops being such an awful problem, and those bastards who were always calling you demanding your money lay off after awhile. Weird.

In short, when someone realizes they need to, want to, and actually do stop drinking, regardless of how.....many things, some of which you hadn't even known were problems until they were gone....just kinda fall into place after awhile.

Maybe this "rage" came from so many things constantly bombarding you all the time....because of your drinking. Maybe you realize you're not a completely rage filled person who is doomed to live this way forever, and never enjoy anything like normalcy, but instead, like many people are coming out of a rough time, and are glad of it.

Naw.....couldn't be that. That's just crazy talk.







0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Wed 12 Jun, 2019 04:51 pm
@Lash,
Lash wrote:

That’s sort of funny. Some people do have children, and they’re usually amazed to find out they’ll do things for their children that, for some reason, they won’t do for themselves.


Oh. And btw lash, you don't get to respond with something that only vaguely, if at all addresses what the other person said, and expect the other person to pretend that in ties in, in any way.

Yes indeed. Some people have children. Some people do not have children.

Your intial statement indicated all people/women have children, which I pointed out was not true.

Nothing said, by me, or even you initially, about what parents will or will not do for them.

Classic diversionary move.
"well I can't dispute what the other person responded, so I'll just type something with the word children in it, because that will make everyone think I'm staying on topic."

In my experience, people who do that bank on the fact the readers either (a) don't really care enough to point out that the 2 things don't match, or (b) they think it will make them appear petty/nit picking.

Well, I do care when my words are randomly contorted, and I can be petty/nit picking AF when it's my words being screwed with.
0 Replies
 
Jewels Vern
 
  1  
Reply Thu 13 Jun, 2019 02:08 am
@Looking4advice,
It sure sounds to me like he's an alcoholic. He drinks until he is no longer able to function normally. He drinks himself sick. He needs help, and if he won't get it, then you need a new bf.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 16 Jun, 2019 10:32 am
A terrific watch for everyone.

Including any person who feels there is little hope people change....

Personally I've seen this over and over. You give a person a productive interesting life. They choose to live that productive interesting life.


0 Replies
 
cicerone imposter
 
  1  
Reply Sun 30 Jun, 2019 12:45 pm
@jespah,
My older brother drinks beer all day, but doesn't seem to black out or get drunk. When we have a siblings get to gather a few times a year, that's all he does. He doesn't eat anything, but drinks beer all the while. It's a good thing my sister drives him to our gatherings. He even drinks beer on the way to our meets. Nobody else in our family drinks beer or alcohol. I have red wine once-in-awhile during dinner, but it's infrequent.
0 Replies
 
 

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