I feel awful about what I did and can’t stop thinking about it.

Hey all,

My ex broke up with me a few weeks back over something I did and I am beating myself up but also being told by friends and family and 3 doctors that she is using it as an excuse and is over reacting and I did nothing wrong. This is a complicated one. Sorry for the long read.

I met her online this time last year and we were together 2 months before she ended it telling me she was gay and only wanted to be with women. When I first met her she said she was bi. We didn’t talk for a few months and after that only once in a while. Then she got back in touch properly in February. We arranged to meet up but she went silent when the day came. We picked up talking again a little later on and she invited me out for the night with her friends. She flirted with me that night and told me she is now pansexual.

We decided to hangout to see how things went and they went well. We had a talk about what happened after we split the first time. She said she had been depressed and cutting herself and that the being gay thing was a lie. She said she wanted to go off and be a hoe. We made amends and agreed to take things slow. She came to mine a few weeks later and we made out. Continued meeting up etc. She was somewhat reluctant to call me her boyfriend but eventually did. The whole time we were talking she expressed little to no interest in men. Was always talking about women and saying how attractive they are and she enjoyed eyeing up females. She also stared at a girl while she was with me. I’m not sure if she was over her ex who was a girl. She got excited after her female ex saw a snapchat of me with the caption date night.

She made a lot of future plans with me and even mentioned marriage and adopting children as she doesn’t want to give birth. She would also send me pictures on her naked body. She did this last year too when we were together. Lots of naked pics. We discussed sex and she said she wanted it rough with choking and hair pulling. We also used to chat on the phone after she finished work and I enjoyed the phonecalls but she rarely asked about me. She made a lot of future plans when we were together before.

I helped her move into her new place over one weekend and that went well and she was very grateful. Said she would reward me next weekend with sex. The following weekend I went round for 3 nights and left on the Monday. We had sex every night and it got more intense each night. She had me choking, scratching, biting, pulling her hair, spanking her etc and on the last night we even had anal sex. We went to have sex on the Monday but I couldn’t get an erection and she got pretty aggressive with me. She hit my penis and said “sort it out!” Which made it worse.

Anyway I leave Monday night and everything is fine on Tuesday. Called me after work and was completely normal. She also told me she had been spanking a female co workers ass. Wednesday she is a little quieter than normal. She then messages me saying we need to have a serious talk. She said she woke up in the night and I was touching her vagina and she didn’t appreciate it because she was asleep. I said sorry and what had happened was it was morning and I woke up feeling horny. I put my hand down there to try and initiate intimacy with her to get her in the mood. I did it for a little while but after I got no reaction verbally or physically I stopped.

She said I had taken it too far and she now doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me. She said an ex did the same and it got worse from there. I apologised again and said now I know she doesn’t like it I won’t do it again. I asked for another chance and she said no. Then she asked me to leave her alone for a bit. I left her alone for 4 days and messaged saying we should talk about it. Hours later I get a message saying that I took advantage of her and she doesn’t trust me or feel comfortable around me. She asked me to leave her be and then said goodbye. Deleted and blocked me on Facebook and deleted on Snapchat. I haven’t been blocked on Whatsapp however. That is how we usually communicate.

My dad got fed up with me just lying in bed and not eating so he arranged a face to face meeting with her on her lunch break at work. She works in retail in a public place. She came and sat opposite me but one. Her body language was very off with me. She told me what I had done is the absolute worst thing I could of done to her. She said she had rather I had cheated on her than this. She also said if I had done this in 10 years time
or even if we were married she would have reacted the same. I said to her I think I deserve a second chance as I won’t do it again and that i’m sorry but she said a relationship between us isn’t going to happen. I told her how much I care about her and pleaded with her but still she said no. She said she could not consent to it but she must of been awake to be aware of it. Why not just move my hand away or say no?

I mentioned I gave her a second chance by letting her back into my life after we split before but she said she feels she didn’t deserve that second chance.

I asked how her friends and family are with me. She said they want to kill me and her sister wants to smack my head in. Her mum blocked me on Facebook and one of her friends deleted me. That hurt me a lot as I have always gotten on well with her friends and family and they have always spoken highly of me. They said I am disgusting. Only one of her friends apparently said people make mistakes and that I gave her a second chance. Didn’t seem to win her over though. She also said she doesn’t want another relationship for a while now.

I then asked where do we go from here and she said lets take time away from one another to do our own things and then reach out to one another in the future. She said she forgives me and offered me her friendship. I accepted. She said it may just be the occasional “how are you?” and we will give being friends a go. I can’t remember the next bit word for word but she said something like “I don’t wanna get your hopes up but potentially in the future we could give things another go if the trust is regained.” Definitely something about giving it another go.

She then stuck her hand out for me to shake at the end but I wanted a hug. She reluctantly gave me a half hearted hug and then walked off and didn’t look back. I just got up and looked back sadly. Then walked off. Last time I saw her. No contact since. That was Monday 20th May.

I feel absolutely awful about the whole thing. I wasn’t thinking at the time and thought it would lead to morning sex. I just want her back as I miss our chats and time together. We spent time getting back to a relationship and then it all collapsed in a second. Never felt so bad about something in my life.

Thank you to anyone who reads all of this. I know it is a lot but I wanted to get it all out because I do feel bad about what I did but I never did it with bad intent. I just wanted to be intimate.