Torn between breaking up or giving another chance

Reply Wed 7 Jul, 2021 04:48 pm
We have been together 4 months, Me 37f him 41m. It started with him saying a wife and kids were a must for him. So that’s the mindset I went into thinking this guy was gonna get serious quickly.

But it turned out differently.

1 - he lives with his sister who is a single mom of a child that he is stuck babysitting every afternoon. I have confirmed this as true.

2 - he lacks ambition. I would think if someone wanted their own family they would fight tooth and nail to get out of this situation somehow especially since this is what he straight up told me at the start. He keeps saying his sister will graduate from college in 2 years and they will separate after that, but I just don’t get the sense of hustle/planning from either.

3 - he claims that someone stole his identity and got a $45k credit card in his name and he is struggling with credit. I dunno, but to me this sounds fishy. He says he has a job making $45k a year, but he drives a beat up car and wears the same clothes. Which wouldn’t be a problem except that he is stingy with me and has slowly started to be more entitled about my stuff/money. For example, he thinks of nothing to get into the backseat of my car which has become our makeout place and it’s starting to infuriate me. At first it was fun to make out there but I have told him it’s getting old and not to expect it anymore.

4 - we have never had sex despite all this making out. I feel confused. He will respond when I start kissing him and he gets it up but he never follows through.

5 - he never initiates dates. Im always having to come up with ideas and booking reservations, so I end up paying more on dates than he. This is also spilling over into us not having sex. I don’t know if we haven’t had sex because he doesn’t know how to book a hotel room or isn’t attracted.

So last week I decided to test him because my communication is falling in deaf ears and being ignored. We ended the date by agreeing that we needed to have sex and me telling him specifically which hotel to book so there is no ambiguity.

3 days after that day crickets. No mention of anything from him. Then I got sick and had to go to the doctor. He was texting me every morning after that asking how I was but never called.

It was also my birthday. He didn’t call to wish me happy birthday and only after I texted him the picture of my dads gift did he send me a delayed text message about how he will give me a gift.

No happy bday text or call though. He calls me the day after the bday and I was already over my infection and birthday. He didn’t bring up either, no belated happy bday, just everyday talk.

And now 3 days after my bday still no text/call.

I have been putting off buying a house in hopes that he would have a serious talk with me but it never comes and I am tired of always being the one to initiate “talks”.

We come from a minority immigrant culture which is why I’m torn.

I know he’d be a great dad since he cares for that child, but that’s all that’s left. I wish he would open up but he just shuts off my communication and lets his pride take over.

Should I dump him knowing Im unlikely to find a man from the same culture statistically and just go out there and accept to be self-sufficient? Or try again?
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Reply Wed 7 Jul, 2021 06:00 pm
Hon, I don't know how many signals you need, but yeah, I would dump him. I certainly wouldn't have put up with as much as you have.

He's not worth it. And what, exactly, are you breaking up? Certainly not a relationship.

If this is how it is during the 'honeymoon phase', can you imagine what it'll be like in 5 years? You'll be living together, maybe with a child, he won't be working, he won't clean the house, you'll break up, you'll have to give him some $ and he won't baby-sit or pay child support.

Yeah, no.
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Reply Thu 8 Jul, 2021 07:23 pm
Is this behavior normal for your immigrant culture? I’m only asking because I cannot for the life of me understand why you would accept this behavior as it is now - or even think that he could possibly ever get better in the future.

There are some deep down flaws in this guy that are so disturbing , so if you try to pursue this, your life will be miserable.

Don’t give him credit for being a “ good dad.” You don’t know the quality of the relationship he brings to the child he babysits.

Poor hygiene? Deep in debt? No job? No house? No car? No credit? No sex?
(And, oh yeah, the birthday stunt he pulled was very revealing.

Yikes! Get away ASAP.

PS is it that important that you have a relationship only with a man of your culture? Rethink that confining rule.
Reply Thu 8 Jul, 2021 10:13 pm
Are we the only sensible people here??
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Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2021 01:54 am

Yes, men of our culture tend to struggle in the US, this is the third time this happened to me which is why it’s not impacting me that much.

I have tried going out with American men but it never works out. I struggle socially because I work 80-hour weeks and each time I go out I just can’t blend in. I have a masters degree so it isn’t like I’m stupid, but I just can’t relate to conversations about American social structure, family life, American sports, pop culture, movies, TV shows, pets, drinking, etc.

It usually ends with the guy saying we had a great date but I don’t see you in my future, and then me frantically trying to watch American tv shows or doing something American like going to one zumba or yoga class to try to be more normal for my next date that I usually give up on because I get inundated by work or can’t relate to the tv show or hobby.

It doesn’t help that I have been building my business the past 3 years to the exclusion of everything else so my naturally poor social skills have become even worse. I was diagnosed with mild Aspergers as a teenager.
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Reply Fri 9 Jul, 2021 02:08 am
And just something to add. I am decently attractive. I would describe myself as fashionable, kind, and caring if asked. I would say probably 80% of the 20+ American guys I have gone out on dates with in my lifetime have shown some clue about being physically attracted. I am no pushover either and can be a bitch when someone tries to push sexual boundaries too soon, but again, it’s the social aspect that’s holding me up. It’s such a high mountain to climb for me and I don’t even know where to start. Even if miraculously I could set aside 20 hours a week to immerse myself in hobbies, pop culture, tv, volunteering, sports, social mixers, it would take me years to assimilate, so I don’t even try.
Reply Sun 11 Jul, 2021 07:20 am
Do you belong to any religious community? Surely there would be clean, socially mature men there.

How about hobbies? Do you have any outside your work. Do your friends know you are looking for relationships?

It sounds like you have spent so much time on your career that you forgot to develop your own social life.

Decide to put some energy into developing yourself.

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