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How do I handle dropping out of college and going back to my mother's house?

 
 
Reply Mon 29 Apr, 2019 05:09 pm
Hello, I failed pretty much all my college exams, I moved to the city hoping to face new challenges, making friends and learning.

But instead of that I spent the last year playing videogames 14 hours a day and barely going outside to buy rice and beans which were basically all of my diet for all my stay in college (I'm not poor I just didn't want to get off my ass and cook).

I feel very guilty, I wasted the hard earned money my mother makes on slacking off and doing nothing for a year and I want to go back and get a job. It's pretty clear I've been damaging my mental health a lot and I believe it's time for me to get a job, start going outside and fixing my life. Maybe take night classes to try and get a degree or something I just don't know yet.

The problem is I don't have any money and not exactly a lot of friends I can go live with or anything like that, so I'd have to go back to my mom's house until I get back on track.

My question is how do I tell my mother? how do I get her to set healthy boundaries so I don't become a burden to her? (I am almost sure she would want me to go back to her house I just don't want to do more harm to her than I already have)

Let me explain, I want her to agree on how much money per month I should give her to help pay the bills and such, a time-limit on how long I can stay with her and such. Also I would love it if you could give me good suggestions on other boundaries I should set with her.



I feel terrible, I've been terrible and I want to change before I ruin my life and my family. I just want to be back in control of my life.



Thanks for sticking around after this long post I look forward to your advice
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engineer
 
  1  
Reply Mon 29 Apr, 2019 05:43 pm
@helpneeder,
You don't need your mother set limits, you can set them yourself. Propose a time and an amount of rent and make a plan to make that happen.
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Mon 29 Apr, 2019 07:20 pm
@engineer,
Exactly what engineer said.

Reading your post, you seem to want to have your mother set up the rules, including money.

Is your lack of performance at school, and life in general indicative of how it was before you went off to college?

If you don't want to be a burden on her, then don't be. Until you figure out what your next move is (may not necessarily be college), get a part time job (20 to 32 hours a week), and do things like go out and buy groceries at least some of the time, like once a month. Give her money for bills, meaning half of the electric, gas, phone, cable etc etc. You see the bills come in, look at them and give her money for your half as soon as you see them. Don't short change her.

If you see you're running low on toilet paper, milk, shampoo etc. go out and buy some, don't just tell her.

A couple times a month pick up a nice meal from a local restaurant for the 2 of you, to give her a treat. Doesn't have to be expensive.

Live with her as if she if your roommate and pay your way, not as if she's your mommy.

When you approach her about this, put a months worth of what you would give her for rent in a card, and give it to her, and don't let her hand it back to you.
Figure out a payment plan to give her money from every paycheck to pay her back for the money of hers you wasted.

This will probably use up almost all your money. Good. At this point your priority is paying her back, and helping her run the household.

So, sit down and figure out what (1) half the bills are (2) payment for your room (3) a couple of meals and some groceries (4) repayment of the money she put out for you.
Add all that up and that's what you have to make at a part time job each month. If you get paid every week, give her money every week. If you get paid every 2 weeks, give her money every 2 weeks. She is to be your first payment, and not to be shortchanged ever.



While you're working part time, if you decide you don't want school, use your off time to look for full time work. Maybe get a part time job you work on weekends or some nights so you have weekdays to look for work.

Get that part time job AS SOON AS YOU CAN. Like tomorrow. Take whatever you can get.

That's how an adult would handle it.

Plus, by handling these responsibilities like an adult, next time you go to school or get a full time job, you won't behave like a child and sit around playing video games.
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neptuneblue
 
  0  
Reply Mon 29 Apr, 2019 07:38 pm
@helpneeder,
You don't have to burden your mother.

Join an Armed Service. There's five of them to choose from. With college credit, you'll get at least one stripe after exiting Basic Training. Take an afternoon and talk to a recruiter. Sign up for the ASVAB, take the test (it's free) to find out where your strengths are and match that to an Military Occupational Specialty (MOS).

You want motivation? Do something for your country and ask not what it can do for you.

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tsarstepan
 
  1  
Reply Tue 30 Apr, 2019 07:05 am
@helpneeder,
This story is very similar to my first attempt at college (after I left the army for four years). Accept I moved in with my sister instead with my parents.
Quote:
I've been damaging my mental health a lot

I think you have it backwards. You were very likely trampled with crippling depression (and how you described your time in college... that's how you tried to compensate and survive the potential adverse effects of the sickness in question).

The hard part now comes in terms of whether or not you can and will get help regarding your current state of mental health. Me? I put getting help of any kind until other life devastating events forced my hand and I finally reached out to the appropriate people ((in my case... I was fortunate to be able to get help from the VA hospital system and you might have a challenge in this department if you are not in a area (geographically or life circumstances) where mental health services are easily accessible)).

Pushing potential problems down the road. Don't let pride become a toxic obstacle for you to ... at least try to get help.

For now? Don't beat yourself up too much and be more accepting that you have supporting family members in your life. I suspect you're human. And you just living through some very all-too common flaws in what makes us all too human.
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