Married and I kissed another man...should I tell him?

Great story, Noddy! That sort of thing should happen to all of us more often.

I disagree with those who say if telling your husband hurts him, it's somehow his problem. I think there's no way it wouldn't hurt him. What's done is done and it's over. You're staying with your husband, so there's no reason to bring it up. It will just damage the relationship you want to keep.

I've been married for more than 20 years to a wonderful man. There have been times I've flirted, seriously and not-so-seriously, and at times I've been tempted to cheat on him, but I haven't. I'm not going to share any of that with him. And if he's been through the same thing, I'd just as soon not know about that, either!

Just because two people are married doesn't mean they aren't also individuals. Being married doesn't mean you have to tell someone every single thing that goes through your head! What an immature notion! It means you have to get along with them.

If you want to stay married, learn to keep hurtful, damaging things like this to yourself whenever possible. Spend your time together building up each other and your relationship.

That's my 2 cents.

My fiance and I have an extremely close relationship *because* we tell each other everything... we catch every weakness and problem, and can fix everything together...

I guess that's worked so well for me (this relationship was the first one in which I've been so open, too!) that I'd never go back to hiding anything.

Well, if it works for you, that's great. But you're in the minority.

Frankly, I wouldn't want to live with someone who "catches every weakness and problem." We all have our share of weaknesses and problems, and from personal experience I can tell you that many of them can't be fixed. We're all flawed. I consider myself lucky to have married a man who is an easy-going, tolerant sort. Tolerance and a good sense of humor have gotten us through some really tough things in the past 24 years. Besides, he's not open about his feelings with anyone. Never has been, never will be. A lot of men are like that.

Well, guess who didn't show up for tennis? I was surprised because it was the last night of tennis and we had a big party after. Steak fry, D.J....a lot of fun. I had a good time but I felt pretty bad about the whole thing. I was talking to his brother who is also in the league, and he was surprised he didn't show up. Of course I feel like it was because of what happened.
I just feel really bad. The more I thought about what happened last week, the more I blamed myself. I tried to think back about some of the conversations we had now I can see how he got the idea I could have been interested. I was really hoping to see him Saturday so I could clear the air. This was the last week of tennis so the league won't start up again until September. I don't want him to quit the league because of me.
Honestly, I feel I could still be friends with him because now he knows how I feel. Now he knows I'm a "ball buster".
I know this sounds crazy but I'm almost temped to call him to apologize for sending him the wrong message and let him know we won't have any problem together if he still wanted to play tennis again next year. I have a feeling he feels really imbarrased and I feel somewhat responsible.
So, what do you think? Some 2 cents really needed.

kablee, I've said here that I hate "signals" -- this is a big part of why. I cannot stand it when friendliness is misinterpreted, and it's happened to me enough that I try to not even be friendly in some situations, which I think is stupid. If it's not what you intended, you have no reason to apologize.

It's entirely possible that he feels badly, and if he apologizes to YOU I think it would be appropriate to accept his apology gracefully and say something about how you feel bad about whatever part you may have unwittingly had in it. But given that this whole thing is characterized by miscommunication and ambiguous "signals", I think you contacting him to apologize would unnecessarily complicate things.

I agree with sozobe - he knows that he made a mistake: you told him you didn't feel that way. If you call him up specially to say sorry, it could just be misinterpreted. If he already thought that you liked him, he could just see this as you having been too shocked to say yes and wanting to let him know he's stll in with a chance: crazy but true.

Besides: he might just want to leave this here, and use that as an excuse. If you say no no it'll be fine in September, then that makes things very embarassing for him if he DOES just want to stop now

kablee- You really do not know why this guy did not show up. It could be because of you....................or a dozen other reasons.

If it were me, I would let the entire thing go. I think that to continue with this might send the message that you are playing "games". If he chooses not to return to the league, so be it. It is HIS decision, not yours.

And why are you feeling guilty? All it was was a kiss. HE was the one who suggested an assignation. I think that you both got caught up in the moment. Let it go, or this entire thing is going to snowball. It was no big deal. Don't make one of it.

kablee--

I side with the others here. You didn't do anything wrong--and he did!. He also decided that he'd be more comfortable not attending the end-of-the-season festivities--or perhaps he was dancing attendence on his mother for the weekend.

He made a pass. You said, "No thanks". He's gone into hiding. Perhaps he'll crawl out in the fall--perhaps not, but these are his choices, not yours.

The incident is over and done with--except that you're not going to flirt with him and you're not going to get closer to him than a three foot pole.

Enjoy the summer.

exactly


So, kablee, should you phone him? Not in my opinion. It makes it too much of a big thing.

kablee -- it sounds like you're looking for a reason to stay in contact with him.

Let it die!!!

Don't tell your husband. That'll ruin your marriage. Don't feel guilty, either.

And don't call the tennis guy. That'll look like you are interested in him, actually. The guy may also be in love with you or something. If that's the case, it's good he chose to run.

I have also been there. I haven't either, thank goodness...but it really obsessed me when I was so close. I couldn't stop thinking about it. For weeks I kept going over in my mind how I could do it and not ever get caught. Of course I came to the conclusion that it was impossible to have any guarantee so I decided it just wasn't worth it. I love my husband very much and the thought of hurting him is unbearable to me. It's funny though, everyone says people that cheat are missing something in their own marriage but I know that's not always the case. I have a great marriage and I've thought about cheating because I thought it would be fun to try something different for a change. Plain and simple. Oh, and I really enjoy sex!

Funny, isn't it...when a relationship is in the beginning stages, we think it will always be as all-consuming as it is then. Of course, once we settle into it, it's different. In a good marriage, the constant excitement cools down and is gradually replaced by trust and comfort. That is good, because those last far longer than constant excitement. From time to time, though, we still long for the rush that infatuation brings, and no matter how old we get, we're never immune to that.

One thing I've learned...having a good marriage doesn't exempt you from temptation. It just gives you a really good reason not to give in to it.

I want more than the rush. I want a life partner. Someone I can count on if I get cancer or I lose my sight. Someone who understands me and loves me anyway. Someone who will always believe in me, even when the rest of the world couldn't care less. And that's the kind of man I married, so I consider myself very lucky to have him. So I just ride the waves of infatuation when they come, knowing they won't last.

Nobody told me that marriage would be like this. But that's okay. I probably wouldn't have believed them if they had. I was so young then....<sigh>...Life can be complicated.

I should write this down! Such a good observation.

Ok, well I went against everyone's advice and I called him. I didn't apologize, I just told him that I felt bad about what happened and I didn't want him to feel he had to avoid any league get togethers because of me. (we have two family cookouts in the summer) He said he didn't miss the last day of tennis because of me but he was a little nervous to see me again. I told him there were no hard feelings and we could go back to being friends. We also talked about the flirting and how we would NEVER really act on it. I'm glad I called. I was so disappointed that I was losing someone I had such a good time with at tennis. I'm not sure how things will be next year but I know I will try to pick up where we left off before the "incident". Of course one thing will change....I'll never let myself be left alone with him. (just in case) :wink:

We told you... it wasn't you that was the problem

Glad to hear you talked about the flirting as long as you REALLY talked

And ummm hold on you would "NEVER" <-- (quoted in capitals) act on it?!?! Scuse me but you already did... surely stopping flirting would be better...?

By NEVER I mean from now on. I also meant me, but when I spoke to him I said "we" can't ever act on it. I guess I was kind of speaking about married people in general. Most flirt from time to time but it's just a game that doesn't mean anything. Of course, that's how I used to feel up until now. On one hand, I'm glad I called to clear the air but I feel awful doing it behind my husband's back. I feel worse about this than the actual kiss. Well, it's all behind me now so I'm just going to move on. Thank god I don't have tennis again until Sept. I hope it will be forgotten by then.

Not sure but I'm sensing that you may have some feelings for this guy. I know if it were me, and a man made a pass at me that I didn't care for, I would never go out of my way to make him feel better about it. Actually, I'd do what I could to avoid him. Do you think maybe you contacted him in hopes that you would see him again next year? Maybe you feel something for him but you're not sure what it is?

You really saw nothing wrong with the flirting? Don't you realize (of course you do) what flirting often leads to? Infidelity. You knew this and you didn't just let it happen, you made it happen. You yourself admitted you WANTED to see if he liked you. You have intentionally placed yourself in this position. I'd almost guarantee that by the way you covered this up, you will find another opportunity. It will happen, you will go further. Then you'll have an excuse, "oh I just wanted to know what it felt like". Then bam! The husband finds out and his life is ruined because of the love of his life is selfish and a liar. Your not in love with him. I'd suggest counseling and maybe an open honest discussion with your husband. You are an awful woman to set this up the way you did. You know you set it up. A man you knew liked you walked you to your car...what were you expecting...really?