Kudos on getting his medical history. Sometimes a kid's problems are a bunch of things accumulated together. Breaking up the causes and whittling away at them is the best thing you can do. Take out the allergies, see what's left. Good going!
Sending the dog to timeout -- hee hee.
And yeah, all those things I encourage my kids to do, I do them myself. Sometimes I tell them, "you know what, mommy's grumpy right now and I just need a few minutes of quiet to settle down." So great idea to give yourself cool-off time too.
Keep us posted.
I wanted to put in a quick vote for the preschool idea too, though I understand if you think Mo's not ready for that just yet. One of the best benefits of it (I know I've said this before) is the structure and the predictability. Also, in a good preschool, the adults there are well trained to handle kids of that age. And maybe showing Mo more adults that are like you and like the care-providers so that he sees that his bio-family is the exception would somehow influence which behaviors he chooses to emulate.
Really late arriving, and looks like a lot of good advice. I love the "cool down", sending the dog to time out and setting a timer for yourself to be in "cool down." Might try that one myself! Mo would likely get the idea quickly if you use it as a positive thing for yourself, and it would teach him an appropriate way to deal with anger.
The allergies may be contributing, but it doesn't sound like this is seasonal like allergies.
Bears older son who has seizures... He has a very difficult time controlling himself and his anger. I started keeping track of his outbursts. Sometimes he would get verbally hateful. Sometimes he would get physical. ONCE, he called Dad out! (Real eye opener for the younger two!!) Once, when he was younger, I had to hold him for over an hour, rocking and talking softly, letting him know I wasn't going to let go until he calmed down and I wasn't going to let him hurt himself.
Anyways, after keeping tallies on a calendar for a couple of months, it became very clear. These outbursts were just prior to him having a seizure. Almost like the pressure was building up in his head. Now we all know and when he says something hateful or gets irrate we know not to apply consequences.
Maybe you could devise a code to indicate the kind of day the two of you had and put that letter code on acalendar each day. Also, keep track of outings, activities, visits to bio family, weather, and anything you might find significant.
My instinct is telling me you might find a connection to the lead up to bio family visits. I imagine he knows his Mom didn't want him. I imagine he knows a lot more than we often give credit to young children for knowing, and while that may be making him feel bad about himself (spitting on his own image) he also doesn't know what to do with that anger of not being good enough to keep.
That's my suggestion. Keep track of anything that might trigger these behaviors. Did you mention the family visit coming up? Did he hear you talking to them on the phone, making arrangements? Are there rituals or preperations for the visitation of any kind? (getting suitcase out kind of things)
Above all, remember that You're a great Mom. You're doing more and being more patient than most biological mothers. There's a special place for you and Mr. B.
I have given a lot of thought to preschool and I just don't think it's a good idea yet. I don't want him to have problems and have that effect school-life from the beginning.
I just don't think he's ready. He doesn't trust anybody, not even me. On Saturdays when I go in to work he asks about a thousand times if I'll be coming back. The fact that I come back every single time has yet to make an impact.
That whole cause effect thing just doesn't work quite right with Mo.
One time we were at a neighbors, no was off playing with all the kids when I snuck back home across the street, I didn't think he'd even notice I was gone. A few minutes later when I returned he was hysterical -- and furious -- and completely inconsolable.
With Mo, you have to take things slow.
There are times that I worry that he'll be getting a late start on things but then I think - better a good start, late, than a bad start, on schedule.
Like Squinney says - he probably knows much more than he is given credit for knowing. Who could blame him for fearing abandonment?
I have kept a calendar of every phone call and visit from bio-family for two and a half years. I've avoided noting personal things as they diaries are really more legal document than anything else.
I think a quick glance trigger calendar with coding system is a very good idea. I've put that on my shopping list for today (along with a non-time-out timer).
Today Mo is a total nut-job. Everything is making him cry.
I do always prepare him for visits with his family but usually not until they've confirmed that they will be visiting. I dealt with the broken-hearted Mo and no show parents before. I've dealt with blind-sided Mo and unexpected visits.
Him mom is the only person who is allowed overnight visits at all and she has only requested four in the last two and a half years. Suitcases are only used when he's going somewhere with me.
Yeah, maybe preschool would work better after adoption is final. Poor Mo.
Timers are good for a lot of things. They come in really handy with little kids who can't yet tell time. If I tell my kids that I need 10 minutes to finish something and then we can go to the park, I set the timer. If I say they can play for 30 minutes before they have to go to bed, I set the timer. The kids actually really like it, I know that sounds weird. They can see visually how long 30 minutes is compared to 15 minutes and they know that when the timer goes off, it's time to do what comes next. Same thing every time. If they start to get impatient, they can see how much time is left on the timer. Something tells me this might be a plus for Mo.
Good luck, boomer. Give Mo some extra hugs.
I'm back from my getaway and just saw this thread. Montana, Sozobe, Free Duck, CJ, Debra, J_B, Squinney, Uncle Tom Cobleigh and all have provided excellent advice.
Boomer--
You do realize that every "natural" mother with a genetically related child has moments of considering murder and/or suicide? Those bleeding fingertips from hanging on the rope are stigmata of honor--we've all been there.
Bits and pieces, trying to fill in a few the very few chinks that have been missed:
Much of Mo's behavior sounds more like two years old than four years old. When he was two he may have been too worried about surviving to act like two--and now he's recapitulating.
I'd guess that he's started not to like himself when he's naughty hence the spitting.
My younger son was a very intense child, alternating tantrums with bold behavior and incredible shyness. I was lucky that he was verbal.
One afternoon he picked up one of his books and pointed to his name in front. He spelled out S-O-D and announced, "That's my name."
I started more conventionally (for English) and spelled D-O-S for him.
He retorted, "'Sod'" is my name when I'm bad."
Mo is getting to an age when he wants to be good--but being good is terribly hard work and sometimes his version of SOD takes over. He might be helped by finding a label-name for his less glorious moments.
In my experience, children have to be a bit older to divert hostility to a punching bag. I've noticed that every group of youngsters on a back stage theatre has great interest in the "Thunder Sheet", a piece of flexible metal hung in the prop department for sound effects.
Of course this was before electronics and recorders....
Can you find an old piece of scrap metal to hang in the garage for shaking and pounding and banging. The Chinese peasant might have a great deal of insight when declaring that loud noises drive away evil spirits.
Mo is not allowed to yell at you--but he can shake the thunder sheet or pound the old wastebasket or whatever, hard enough to make a glorious noise to equal his anger.
Free Duck is right on target with identifying emotions. Check with your local librarian about books for children that identify emotions.
Your insurance won't cover therapy. Too bad, but a fact of life.
Talk to Head Start. Mo may be in line for some official help--or perhaps you could swap photographs for some off-the-record advice. You also might be able to observe a group of "normal" four year olds. Of course, this would be more therapy for you than for Mo. Children are not perfect.
I'll keep thinking about this. Meanwhile, be assured that despair is a normal maternal condition; that Mo's behavior is improving, slowly-slowly and that with more than a year between now and kindergarten you have lots of time--a quarter of his life.
Hold your dominion.
Mo is immature for his age.
Most of his drama started just before his second birthday - the parents fighting, the father's kidnap, the being left here, the chaos.
Just before his third birthday his parents reunited - more chaos. Lots and lots of confusion.
It makes sense that maybe he's "stuck" somewhere in the growing up continuum. I have no doubt that he can catch up but nothing will get us there but time.
And we have time.
And bloody fingers.
The name thing is interesting. Mo suggest different names for himself all of the time, lately he's been "Allen". Perhaps I will chart what he decided his name will be that day with his behavior for that day. Maybe Allen is the boy who can't behave.
The spitting thing is just so, so sad.
The thunder is a good idea. They used to have a big sheet at the Children's museum and Mo was fascinated with it. Our grocery also plays thunder sounds in the produce section and we always have to wait through a few storms before moving on.
Everyone has been wonderful in their advice and support and I thank each one of you. My feet might not quite reach the ground yet but I'm not feeling so down.
Boomer--
Visit a scrap yard for thunder sheet makings. You can buy a sheet of metal by weight and maybe for free, maybe for nominal cost the nice people will bend the edges for safety's sake and drill a hole for hanging.
You may have to pad the hole so it won't cut the rope--or use a chain.
Also, you might check at auto supply stores for a truck horn--providing your neighbors aren't too close. Very Good Boys who have Overcome Rage For The Moment get to blast the truck horn. Every little boy wants to sound like a 16-wheeler. Power.
When you're at the library ask the librarian about books with the adventures of naughty animals. Intense children--and Mo is intense--love books about naughty animals.
Buy him his own copy of Sendak's Where the Wild Things Are.
"The Wild Things cried, "Oh please don't go. We'll eat you up, we love you so."
You can even substitute "Mo" for the name of the hero when you're reading aloud.
Mothers earn gray hairs. Gray hair is a badge of honor.
Hold your dominion.
