ODES TO THE GOD SQUAD

Almost all of Al's songs crack me up...I particularly like "I Think I'm A Clone Now"
(sort of religious in nature...for or against cloning...)

he he he.... (Sung to I Think We're Alone Now)


Isn't it strange...? Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror
What would people say...if only they knew that I was
Part of some geneticist's plan
Born to be a carbon copy man
There in a petri dish late one night
They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say...

I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

Look at the way...we go out walking close together
I guess you could say...I'm really beside myself
I still remember how it began
They produced a carbon copy man
Born in a science lab late one night
Without a mother or a father
Just a test tube and a womb with a view...

I think I'm a clone now
There's always two of me just a-hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now
And I can stay at home while I'm out of town
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down

Signing autographs for my fans
Come and meet the carbon copy man
Livin' in stereo, it's all right
Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza, so I say...

I think I'm a clone now
Another one of me's always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now
I've been on Oprah Winfrey, I'm world renowned
I think I'm a clone now
And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down
I think I'm a clone now
Thats my genetic twin always hangin' around
I think I'm a clone now
'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down

Come on . . . somebody post Plastic Jesus . . .

Favorite lines from movie "Saved"

Mother: I keep reminding myself that when Jesus closes a door he opens a window."

Daughter: "That's so we'll have something to jump out of."


Mandy Moore: "I am FILLED with Christ's love!" As she throws Bible at Jena

For you, Set

Plastic Jesus
by Ernie Marrs

I don't care if it rains of freezes
'Long as I got my Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car.

Through my trials and tribulations
And my travels through the nations
With my Plastic Jesus I'll go far.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car

I'm afraid He'll have to go.
His magnets ruin my radio
And if I have a wreck He'll leave a scar.
Riding down a thoroughfare
With His nose up in the air,
A wreck may be ahead, but He don't mind.

Trouble coming He don't see,
He just keeps His eye on me
And any other thing that lies behind.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...

Though the sunshine on His back
Make Him peel, chip and crack,
A little patching keeps Him up to par.
When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say "damn"
I can let all my curses roll

Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
'Cause he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
Riding on the dashboard of my car ...

Once His robe was snowy white,
Now it isn't quite so bright -
Stained by the smoke of my cigar.
If I weave around at night,
And policemen think I'm tight,
They never find my bottle - though they ask.

Plastic Jesus shelters me,
For His head comes off, you see
He's hollow, and I use Him for a flask.
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,

Riding on the dashboard of my car ...
Ride with me and have a dram
Of the blood of the Lamb -
Plastic Jesus is a holy bar.

[Plastic Jesus has become quite entrenched in the folk tradition, so there are considerably more folk verses than there were original ones. Following are folk additions and emendations, as well as additions from recording artists who have covered this song.]

Well, I don't care if it rains or freezes,
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

I could go a hundred miles an hour
Long as I got the Almighty Power
Glued up there with my pair of fuzzy dice
{Refrain - repeat between every verse}
Plastic Jesus, plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

Through all trials and tribulations,
We will travel every nation,
With my plastic Jesus I'll go far.
I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,

You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

I don't care if it's dark or scary
Long as I have magnetic Mary
Ridin' on the dashboard of my car

I feel I'm protected amply
I've got the whole damn Holy Family
Riding on the dashboard of my car

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell

Goin' ninety, I'm not wary
'Cause I've got my Virgin Mary
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell

I don't care what they say, I'm gonna
Keep on prayin' to that pink madonna
Melted to the dashboard of my car.

I don't care if it bumps or jostles
Long as I got the Twelve Apostles
Bolted to the dashboard of my car

Don't I have a pious mess
Such a crowd of holiness
Strung across the dashboard of my car

No, I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I have my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

But I think he'll have to go
His magnet ruins my radio
And if we have a wreck he'll leave a scar

Riding through the thoroughfare
With his nose up in the air
A wreck may be ahead, but he don't mind

Trouble coming, he don't see
He just keeps his eyes on me
And any other thing that lies behind
{as refrain}

Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car
Though the sun shines on his back
Makes him peel, chip, and crack
A little patching keeps him up to par

When pedestrians try to cross
I let them know who's boss
I never blow my horn or give them warning

I ride all over town
Trying to run them down
And it's seldom that they live to see the morning
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

His halo fits just right
And I use it as a sight
And they'll scatter or they'll splatter near and far

When I'm in a traffic jam
He don't care if I say Damn
I can let all sorts of curses roll
Plastic Jesus doesn't hear
For he has a plastic ear
The man who invented plastic saved my soul
{as refrain}
Plastic Jesus, Plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

Once his robe was snowy white
Now it isn't quite so bright
Stained by the smoke of my cigar

God made Christ a Holy Jew
God made Him a Christian too
Paradoxes populate my car

Joseph beams with a feigned elan
From the shaggy dash of my furlined van
Famous cuckold in the master plan

Naughty Mary, smug and smiling
Jesus dainty and beguiling
Knee-deep in the piling of my van

His message clear by night or day
My phosphorescent plastic Gay
Simpering from the dashboard of my van

You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far.

You can buy a Sweet Madonna
Dressed in rhinestones sitting on a
Pedestal of abalone shell.
Goin' ninety, I'm not wary'
Cause I've got my Virgin Mary,
Guaranteeing I won't go to Hell.

Rain and Snow are not an issue
long as I got my plastic Vishnu
Sittin on the dashboard of my car

When I'm goin' fornicatin
I got my ceramic Satan
Sinnin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home

The women know I'm on the level
Thanks to the wild-eyed stoneware devil
Ridin' on the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Sneerin' from the dashboard of my Winnebago Motor Home
Leering from the dashboard of my van

I don't care if I'm broke or starvin'
As long as I've got a fish named Darwin
Glued to the trunklid of my car

God, I'm feeling so evolved
Drivin' with my problems solved
Proclaiming what I think of what we are

Riding home one foggy night,
With my honey cuddled tight,
I missed a curve and off the road we veered.

My windshield got smashed-up good,
And my darling graced the hood.
Plastic Jesus, He had disappeared.
{As refrain}
Plastic Jesus! Plastic Jesus,
No longer chides me with His holy grin.

Doctors in the X-ray room
Found Him in my darling's womb.
Someday, He'll be born again!

I don't care if it rains or freezes
Long as I got my plastic Jesus
Riding on the dashboard of my car

He's the dude with the rusty nails,
Walks on water, don't need no sails
Riding on the dashboard of me car

I don't care if the night is scary
As long as I got the Virgin Mary
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

She don't slip and she don't slide
Cuz her ass is magnetized
Sittin' on the dashboard of my car.

That is the longest freakin' song....whoda thunk you could make a song that long about plastic jesus. Some people really wanted to get their Plastic Jesus point accross...

Mylo Hatzenbuhler is the alter-ego of Clyde Bauman, who is from the German Mennonite region of the Dakotas. Clyde is so squeaky clean, his songs are featured on Christian Music web sites and radio programs. Sometimes it tough dealin' with all that technology . . .



(Contrary to popular urban myth, Mennonites, Moravians and Amish in all sections of the country are made up of those who entirely eschew new technology, and those who take advantage of it--or try--while otherwise maintaining their simple life-style. This song is sung to the tune of We Didn't Start the Fire, by Billy Joel)

WE COULDN'T START THE TRACTOR, Mylo Hatzenbuhler



(Hilariously, i only found the complete lyrics to this song when i visited the Ohio State University's Madison County Agricultural Extension Service web site. Them country boys, they's loads a fun.)

Do y'all recall when Paul Newman sang a little snatch of Plastic Jesus in the motion picture Cool Hand Luke?

Yes, one of my favourite films.

One song that always makes me laugh (maybe because it was supposed to be serious) is " Dropkick me Jesus, through the goalposts of life".

Marvellous !

Going Down Jordan, by Theophilus Woods, performed by Harry Belafonte

I was livin' me life as an Anglican
Let me tell you how I changed to a Baptist man
I was livin' me life as an Anglican
Let me tell you how I changed to a Baptist man
One night I was walking down Fred'rick street
Poor and hungry, no shoes on me feet
I passed a door that said "Down with sin"
It was the smell of food that pull me in

We are going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
Let's walk the heavenly road

Well, the leader walked up and he shook my hand
Said "I want you to be a holy man"
Right away I made a big decision
Me stomach was a growling for this new religion
I started over to get some food
When some sisters approached me in a mystic mood
They dunked me in the water 'bout four, five times
I couldn't see a thing 'cause I was almost blind
Singing I've got a sword in my hand
I'm going to use it well

I was drenched to me skin and I was feeling cold
But the sight of the food made me take a hold
The sisters started to break away
They said "Kneel, believers, kneel and pray"
I prayed and I prayed in a new-found style
In the meantime me taste buds was running wild
I was about to fall clear out of me seat
When a man jumped up and said "Before you eat
You got to moan, children, moan
You got to moan, children, moan
And if you want to go to Heaven when you die,
You got to moan, children, moan

Well, before I baptized I had plenty pain,
Now I find myself a free man again
Well, before I baptized I had plenty pain,
Now I find myself a free man again
Don't talk 'bout the leaders they treat me good,
Plenty sweet toil and plenty food
Brother it was then that I realized
Ev'ry man on earth should be baptized

Going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
We are going down, Jordan
Let's walk the heavenly road

There's a hole in daddy's arm where all the money goes....Jesus Christ died for nothing I suppose....

God said to Abraham Kill me a son
Abe said man you must be puttin me on
God say no Abe say what
God said you can do what ya wanna Abe
But the next time you see me coming you better run . . .

More, please!

Abe say "God, where you want this killin' done."
God say: "Down on highway 61."

Good one, EB, i'd never have thought of it . . .

Vatican Rag, Tom Lehrer

First you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want, if
You have cleared them with the Pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie eleison,
Doin' the Vatican Rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional,
There, the guy who's got religion'll
Tell you if your sin's original.
If it is, try playin' it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a Roman,
Ave Maria,
Gee it's good to see ya,
Gettin' ecstatic an'
Sorta dramatic an'
Doin' the Vatican Rag!

DEAD BOYS LYRICS

"(I Don't Wanna Be No) Catholic Boy"

I don't wanna be no Catholic boy
I just wanna have some fun
I don't wanna be no Catholic boy
And get beat by the nuns

I don't wanna kneel, I don't wanna feel
Guilty supression
I wanna beat my meat right in the street
Dominus vobiscum

The kids are passing out in the pew
I'm looking for a hanging jew
Don't wanna be no fool
Go to no parochial school

I don't wanna be no Catholic boy
I just wanna live in sin
I don't wanna be no Catholic boy
I don't wanna have to say amen
(I just can't seem to get into the habit)

Love that one Setanta!

God's Song (that's why I love mankind) - Randy Newman

Cain slew Abel Seth knew not why
For if the children of Israel were to multiply
Why must any of the children die?
So he asked the Lord
And the Lord said:

Man means nothing he means less to me
Than the lowliest cactus flower
Or the humblest Yucca tree
He chases round this desert
'Cause he thinks that's where I'll be
That's why I love mankind

I recoil in horror fro the foulness of thee
From the squalor and the filth and the misery
How we laugh up here in heaven at the prayers you offer me
That's why I love mankind

The Christians and the Jews were having a jamboree
The Buddhists and the Hindus joined on satellite TV
They picked their four greatest priests
And they began to speak
They said, "Lord, a plague is on the world
Lord, no man is free
The temples that we built to you
Have tumbled into the sea
Lord, if you won't take care of us
Won't you please, please let us be?"
And the Lord said
And the Lord said

I burn down your cities-how blind you must be
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That's why I love mankind
You really need me
That's why I love mankind

~

That's the spirit, Miss Kitty . . .

John the Baptist after torturing a thief
Looks up at his hero the Commander in Chief
Saying Tell me great hero but please make it brief
Is there a hole for me to get sick in
The Commander in Chief answers him while chasing a fly
Saying Death to all those who would whimper and cry
And dropping a barbell points to the sky
Saying The sun's not yellow
It's chicken

Mama's in the factory she ain't got no shoes
Daddy's in the alley looking for the fuse
I'm in trouble with the Tombstone Blues