WARNING to parents of teenage girls!!!!!

I am sure GLAD you got out of there! Thank goodness!

Oh Montana, I think we actually may agree but I can't put my finger
on it exactly or say the right words... Late and tired but let's see.

I didn't mean to be inferring anything about your parents.
My point ...struggling...

If more people asked you "How are you?" would it have
helped release your rage a bit, to be seen more, and
understood and not as alone with it?

If more people asked the school "How are you?" could we as
a community better understand how squeezed, violent and barely
surviving the school is, or how the he!l such situations can persist?

If more people asked your parents "How are you?" could we
learn more about what parents face and the resources and
support and strategies they need?

If more people asked the bully "How are you?" would it have
helped release THEIR rage, to be seen more, and understood
and not as alone with it?



Every person there - even the principal and the teachers and
the legal authorities - may have been in prison, bound
and constricted, in how they were treated, what they cope with
or how they could come to grips and face things.

But if folks were in a greater habit of asking questions,
and HEARD how terrible and deep the situation was
for each party involved ...
if each party was really understood and acknowledged,
then maybe each one wouldn't have to
- face it in isolation,
- or check out and disconnect from what's happening,
- or flail around in destructive ways.



The solution may have come sooner and smoother
without as much bruising of everyone involved.

Probably rambling, but that's all I'm trying to say (I think!
... I'm not at all sure how my posts are received on A2K)

I thank God you survived.






PS - Personally, I thought my high school diploma was worse than a
death certificate. Nobody can ever understand how horrible
it was for me, unless they hear it from me. Not one person has
been through what I have, in any story that I've ever heard.

It's not at all surprising that three of my classmates died, yet people
go on like it was nothing. If you made it out intact, serious Congratulations.

Codeberg and Montana - I want you both to know I was incredibly touched by what I just read.
Montana - It doesn't matter what I think, I know, you don't even know me - but your description of your school days just absolutely froze me: with sadness and regret and anger that it was that way for you and so many others, and with real understanding as well of the soul-destroying damage that this kind of atmosphere can inflict. The really sad part is that it still exists (probably even more so today) and continues to damage so many kids.

But I also hear what Codeberg's saying. Why is it okay for so many people adults and children to be so cruel and absolutely disregarding of other people's feelings? Where did we learn that? Even on this forum, I see cruelty, rudeness and posters being ignored or disregarded all the time (though not so often as on others - that's why I stay here - for the most part it seems like a friendly, civil, intelligent group). But yeah, I think we all have been conditioned to look out for our own interests and not really bother about the other guy too much.

I do want you to know that some teachers care. I worked as a teacher for many years and I just did not tolerate bullying in my classroom. But you're right - many times even though I and the parents complained to the administration, I was frustrated with the lack of response.
The world is a hard, hard place. I think (for most people) highschool is the hardest place and point in their development. I think that some of the cutting (like you said Montana) is distraction from inner pain, an outlet for rage, and I'm afraid a search for some kind of stimulation that might replace what is lacking. I read this thread yesterday and talked to both my children about what they see at school, how they feel about it, etc. They've both seen it, and don't know what to think about it - but I did tell them that those are the people to whom they need to reach out. Kindness is never a mistake. God bless you both.

Sorry I spelled you name wrong CodeBorg:)

I doubt that. I think that maybe "hard" drugs are on the decline but ecstasy and weed are very very prevalent in the teenage world.

My daughter started cutting about a year ago. She is 14. We are very close and talk about more things than most teens/parents. She has a genetic tendency towards depression and anxieties and although she was born with a pile of anxieties, the depression didn't show up until last spring. It was triggered, we think, by hormones and specifically by the breakup with her first boyfriend. She started therapy last spring but didn't connect with her therapist and felt she was OK to get through the summer on her own, so she stopped going. She started cutting again this fall when school started and resumed her therapy with a different therapist. By November she was feeling better again and took a break from her sessions. The long winter took it's toll on her psyche and she resumed her sessions in March, this time with a specific goal of finding alternatives to cutting along with dealing with the underlying anxiety and depression.

Cutting is always a choice, it is also always a symptom. She could choose to do something else, but she doesn't. Cutting, as with any unhealthy coping mechanism, can take on a life of its own. It could be an eating disorder, drugs or alcohol, smoking, or any number of other unhealthy choices. Some kids who cut get addicted and some don't, just like with experimenting with any unhealthy behavior. Sometimes you can control it and sometimes it controls you. Unhealthy coping mechanisms aren't the problem, they are the signal that there is something deeper to be dealt with.

My father was an alcoholic. That knowledge alone kept me from experimenting with too many things as a teen because I always figured my chances of getting hooked were stronger than the average Joe's. That might be why my daughter is still cutting a year after she started and it might be some other reason. When I first found out she was cutting, I asked her why she chose that over all the other things she might have chosen to cope. She told me it was because it isn't illegal. It seems that the anti-drug programs were so effective and my preaching about addiction was so effective that she turned to something no one had ever talked to her about. I was stunned. We've done a great job of telling kids what not to do, but we don't give them decent alternatives - particularly to those kids who are most at risk.

I'm sure there are some who cut because their friends do. I'm sure there are some who try it and stop. I'm sure there are others who would have discovered cutting on their own, as there always have been. I'm sure as cutting gets more attention it will be included in programs about unhealthy coping mechanisms and I'm equally sure that some alternative no one ever thought of will take it's place unless we establish programs for parents, kids, and teachers to try to identify at risk kids and work with them, adult and child alike.

There are many stories about why. I agree with you, Sanctuary about making the choice to cut over other alternatives, but I don't think it's always about the parents and I don't think it's always so easy for someone to turn themselves around. I'm glad you were able to do so, but I detect a sense of judgement in your posts, that just because you were successful then everyone else should be too. You are you, you are no one else.

((((Montana))))

And you give me great hope for K's future. Thanks!

CB
I apologize for misunderstanding. I am so glad that you got through it as well. It sure is a tough world we live in.

aidan
Thank you so much for your kind words. I would have loved to have a teacher such as yourself.

((((JB))))
My heart truly goes out to you and your daughter. My mom also did her very best to try and help me and she felt so helpless.
Yes, cutting is a choice and I did find other ways to vent my anger and build my strength at the same time. I started lifting weights and it's absolutely amazing how much anger you can release by doing this and I wish I had thought of it before I started cutting myself.
The lifting weights not only helped me cope with the anger, but it also made me feel strong and much more secure. I started lifting when I was 15, not long before I quit school and I continued to lift for several years.
After I quit school I still would run into these bullies on the street often and when I saw them I would turn around and go back the way I came because I was afraid. They were always in a group of about ten kids and I knew I couldn't fight that many kids. In that group there were only one or two girls in the group that bullied me, but since the others never talk to me, I wasn't taking any chances. These were considered the toughest kids in my school and I was afraid of them.
Then after lifting weights for 2 years, my best friend and I were walking down the street one day when we saw that tough group. We were on the other side of the street from them and this time I found the courage to keep walking instead of turning around. As soon as we reached the opposite side of the street from them, one of the bullies yelled that she was gonna come over and kick my ass if I didn't run. I was scared shitless, but not only didn't I run, I yelled back to her to come and tell me this face to face. When she didn't cross over to my side of the street, I crossed over to hers. I was scared out of my mind, but I didn't care at that point. She then walked over to me looking back at her group who didn't follow. I took my jacket off, handed it to my friend and this girls mouth dropped when she saw how strong I had become, lol. My arms were big and obviously strong. The bully told me to go ahead and throw the first punch and I then told her that I would never stoop to her level, so the first punch was hers to throw, but I warned her that it better knock me out because if I get back up, I was going to give her everything she gave me all those years in one shot.
She turned again to look at her group and they told her it was her fight and she was on her own. This is when a big smile came on my face and I got the thrill of seeing her scared shitless for a change. That's when she walked away and I laughed. I yelled over to her before I also walked away and told her if I ever so much as heard her whisper another word to me, I wouldn't think twice about throwing the first punch.
Needless to say, she never said another word to me and all the tough kids in her gang started saying hi when they saw me.

Go figure! All those years of abuse I took and all I had to do was to stand up to the bully.

I just wanted to share my story even though I know it's different for all kids that cut. I know that all kids don't have the same reasons for doing it, but for whatever reasons they have, maybe they could start lifting weights, jog, do arobics, or something similar to vent their anger. I know it worked wonders for me.

I blame Liberal Parent's.

Constitution Girl--

Do you mean "possessive parents"?

No, she meant politically Liberal. She's the type of person who would blame someone based on their political beliefs

Sanctuary--



I was questioning the unconventional use of the apostrophe.

Clearly she's implicating possessive parents.

Ah, I misread you - I thought you meant possessive as in strict/harsh/abusive, etc.

You can't be serious! If you are, that is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Thanks for my laugh of the day though ;-)

Sanctuary--

Being a poetic pig and partial to creative ambiguity, I meant both.


Form follows function?

Reading along and thinking about this whole topic.
JB - yep..........




my daughter is 14

All I can say is this: talk to your kids.

I know we moan and groan and demand our freedom, etc., etc., but inside we're aching for guidance. I promise you. Never stop showing your kids they matter, and never stop asking them how their day went.

I was impressed with your post and speaking forthrightly about your life. This takes courage.

I say you are over 16 in wisdom :wink:

I appreciate that, Husker and Reyn. Thank you.

Sanctuary always seems to be older in posts. A lot of knowledge and wisdom for such a young person.