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Mon 18 Apr, 2005 07:36 am
If anyone had read my last post you'd see where i said i sent the 'recovering alcoholic' text messages accusing him of hooking up with other people while we'd been dating. It was because of a pic i'd seen on the net of him and other girls, but then realized it was before we met. He told me that we should not communicate anymore and that we should just be silent, i said fine and did not contact him again.
So on sat. night at 11:15 (a week after he said he wanted to be silent) I had message from him on my cell. I call him back, he was at the airport, had just gotten in from FL. I said, I thought you weren't speaking to me. He just seemed all cheery and was like, well I thought your texts were weird, I didn't get them, but that was a week ago, blah, blah. So he ends up saying he'd like to see me so stupidly I go and pick him up at the airport. I said, you probably just didn't have a ride, he's like, I cancelled a $72 ride so I could see you.
so we go back to my place and he wants to go out drinking. I said, no. Then he wanted a bottle of wine of my roomates in my fridge, I said no. I explained to him the texts and the pics on the net and he laughed and said he had no idea that was there. So we ended up having a lot of sex that night. He said, it's not like I'm ready to get married next week and i feel like that's what you want, I told him I never meant to give him that impression. Then the next day we talked about us dating, he said don't you enjoy being with me when you see me? I said, yeah but I'd like to see you more. he asks me if I'd dated anyone and I said, yeah I went on a date last sat. then I asked him if he had. He said, well sort of. I was like, really? And he said he went on a date, this is where I lost it. He was like, well you and I hadn't been seeing each other for a while. I just went out with someone once. The part that got me was that he said he is still talking to her and I asked if he'd go out with her again and he said maybe. After what had happened the night b4 I just felt sick.
I got pissed and we got in the car to drive him to the train station. HE was like, I feel so horrible, I didn't think this was going to make you this upset, you had said you went on a date. I said, yeah but you were the one who ended things with us because you said you couldn't be involved with anyone, he's like I just went on a date but then he said he kissed her. He's like I feel awful, I guess I'm an asshole, maybe I should just go to a monastery to become a better person. I was like, well I hope you feel great now that you got laid, he's like I don't.
so we talked in the car then we went out to breakfast and I felt a little better. But when I asked again if he'd go out with her again, he said maybe. I was like, whatever. So after I dropped him off, I got mad again, called him and told him, not to contact me again and that I never wanted to see him or speak to him again. I also said, you cant even give me a yes or no answer as to whether you'll see her again. He was like, no I cant, then said, we're not exclusive.
Then I went rollerblading, it was fun, but after I was just crying in my car. I called him again and he said he felt like crap and just kept saying he didn't want me to be upset. I was like, well you're dating other people, he's like, no I'm not then says, nothing has happened with me or anyone else. Then he went on again about how I want something serious and he can't give that to me. I said, I wish I could just see you more, he says well maybe you will, I enjoy being with you and seeing you. So I just felt emotionally drained, my mom even said, you need to get rid of him. I woke up this morning felt so sick and threw up. I just have that empty heart broken feeling. I need to just end this.
He used you for a ride and for a night of sex. If you want something more, find a man who cares about you. He's too wrapped up in his illness to handle a real relationship and he's disgustingly passive-aggressive in his behavior toward you. He knows you'll drop everything on a moment's notice for him... he snaps his fingers and you come running. He treats you like a dog, and just like a dog, you keep coming back for more, hoping for a morsel of affection from him. He's a bad owner. He's neglecting you. He's starving you but refusing to give you up. He's weak and he's sucking away your self-respect. He's on a power trip; confusing you makes him feel strong.
SORRY
I am sorry to tell you this but he did use you...please move on. I personally have been hurt like this in the past and eventually I found my soul-mate. Good-luck and I will keep you in my prayers!!!
If I read you right, you got mad that he said he would go out with this other girl again, even after what had happened the night before between you two. I assume by that you mean the sex.
Through all your many postings it appears to me that you are confusing sex with love. Sex is an action. Two stray dogs can have sex without any attachment. He appears quite capable of having sex without any attachment and you seem perfectly willing to let him.
Which leads me to believe that the sex on both your parts is simply a fun activity that two people do together when they lack anything else to keep them busy, so what are you complaining about. You are getting just what you have bargained for.
So dump the therapist and save yourself the money. Just keep having sex anytime either you or he wants it and understand that that is all it is, sex. But if you want love, you better change your ways a bit and start looking elsewhere.
Sorry so harsh, but this thing between you two is a broken record that you just keep replaying. And don't worry, I will not bore you or make you mad by offering any other advice because quite frankly you don't want any advice, but simply some sympathy. I for one am tired of even reading your posts.
And I know, you really don't care if I stop giving advice anyway.
I haven't read your other posts, but I have to agree with CoastalRat as far as the sympathy (not the sex).
Your title of this thread is your answer. You seem to enjoy being the victim and behave in ways that allows you to reinforce your desire to be victimized.
Figure out why you are doing this, what benefit you are getting from it, then face it and change. Not exactly easy to do, but I'm sure you'll feel better about yourself and attract the right person for you in the end.
re
yeah i am done with this situation. I sent him an e-mail telling him i think we should move on and that's that. We are not on the same page, and never will be.
I can handle a certain amount of bullsh*t but once another woman comes into the picture I am soo out of there.
Diana... you're out of there now. Not once another woman comes into the picture.
Here's what I think is interesting about this whole thing -- I'm just gonna blab a bit, my impressions, might be true or might not.
I think you created this monster. I think this guy is confused, etc., but basically well-meaning. I think he really tried for a long time, and it was just impossible. His genuine efforts were met with the same paranoia and neediness as his more caddish moments.
This is why we keep talking about how you have to work on your basic issues or it will keep happening to you over and over again. You self-select. You chase away the sane ones, give no incentive to the semi-decent ones for them to be more decent than caddish, and make a perfect mark for the totally caddish ones. You have sex/ hook up at the drop of the hat, and even if they treat you like crap, you do it again.
This is a formula for having a whole bunch of cads in your life.
Unless you really do just plain want to be miserable, you MUST do something about that. Or it will be another temporary cad after this one. And then another. And then another.
You have to figure out how to not scare off the decent ones, or worse yet, turn the basically decent ones into cads.
re
well he should not have called then
Sure.
Not saying he isn't acting like a cad... now.
Just pointing out your role in all of this and the importance of taking responsibility and CHANGING so that it doesn't happen to you overandoverandoverand...
re
and sozobe i have to ask at this point what is so decent about him? He is a nice guy, but he used me at his convenience. This is a guy who was in rehab for drinking drank last week on vaca, then when he came to see me he wanted me to drive him to a bar and drink my roomate's wine in my fridge. Not only that, but for the past 4 and a half months he has told me he cant be serious with me, yet calls me basically to hook up. I know i'm far from perfect, but if this guy is one of the decent ones, then i'm frightened to see what the rest are like.
Basically decent.
He was upfront with you from the very beginning. He didn't lie, he didn't mislead. YOU made the decision to go ahead anyway, knowing that he was in AA, knowing that he didn't think he could be in a serious relationship with you, knowing that he wasn't going to be able to call you as much as you wanted him to. He did his part. You, by staying with him, were saying that's OK. I want to be with you anyway.
If that was not what you actually thought, it was YOUR responsibility to back away, and it was YOU who was being dishonest.
What I am saying is not that he is the perfect guy for you -- I am saying that there's no reason you should still be obsessing about him for 4 and a half months. You've made it clear that there were significant things that bothered you about him this whole time. You've been talking about breaking up with him at least half of that time. But then you get into the neediness phase and you call him and bother him and eventually get together and have sex...
WHY?
re
well i sent him a pretty long e-mail and he wrote back two lines just saying he had no idea his behavior would effect me like this, it is best to leave me alone and he hopes i feel better. He doesnt give a f*ck, he could care less. I really DO hope i feel better soon because he is NOT worth feeling this way over
Re: re
diana78 wrote:and sozobe i have to ask at this point what is so decent about him? He is a nice guy, but he used me at his convenience.
You can't be used unless you allow yourself to be used. The saying...Use me one time, shame on you, use me twice shame on me... Well, it applies here.
diana78 wrote:
This is a guy who was in rehab for drinking drank last week on vaca, then when he came to see me he wanted me to drive him to a bar and drink my roomate's wine in my fridge. Not only that, but for the past 4 and a half months he has told me he cant be serious with me, yet calls me basically to hook up. I know i'm far from perfect, but if this guy is one of the decent ones, then i'm frightened to see what the rest are like.
Yeah, he is an alcoholic. We've all been made aware of his faults.
And when he called to hook up, what did you do?
Re: re
diana78 wrote:well i sent him a pretty long e-mail and he wrote back two lines just saying he had no idea his behavior would effect me like this, it is best to leave me alone and he hopes i feel better. He doesnt give a f*ck, he could care less. I really DO hope i feel better soon because he is NOT worth feeling this way over
I hope you print those words out and tape them to you computer, your cell phone, beside your land line (phone) and anywhere else you might try to contact him. Whenever you're tempted to get in touch with him, or if perchance he tries to get in touch with you, read them again and again and again. Stop yourself from sending the e-mail, stop yourself from making the call, stop yourself from picking him up from the airport, stop yourself from having sex with him. Each time you're tempted, just read your own three sentences. They sum it up very nicely.
re
i just dont get how he can be so intimate with me yesterday in bed, then he's holding my hand wherever we go, but still tells me, yes i might go on a date with someone else, we're not exclusive. THen i tell him how i feel today his response is just so unfeeling. He had no explanation, just that he's sorry.
The thing that really hurts is i'm sure he'll just continue to date this other person and not think of me.
I am in between being on the verge of tears right now or throwing up.
How do i get over this? I know no contact...
Therapist.
I know this is brutal but I went through many stages of being more circumspect before getting here but circumspect doesn't seem to get through to you so I'll go ahead and say that:
If you've been seeing a therapist this whole time, the therapist doesn't seem to be doing a very good job. So if your therapist isn't helping, find a new one.
A therapist can be your contact and help you with the larger issues.
Quote:i just dont get how he can be so intimate with me yesterday in bed, then he's holding my hand wherever we go, but still tells me, yes i might go on a date with someone else, we're not exclusive.
It was just sex to him, Diana.
Quote:THen i tell him how i feel today his response is just so unfeeling. He had no explanation, just that he's sorry.
The thing that really hurts is i'm sure he'll just continue to date this other person and not think of me.
He was feeling down yesterday. He wanted to drink, he wanted a woman. You were the means to both and the successful means to one. I don't think this has much to do with you right now. It's about what he needed at the moment and who he could get it from.
Quote:I am in between being on the verge of tears right now or throwing up.
How do i get over this? I know no contact...
Time, talk, therapy, friends, and then start over again with time, talk, therapy and friend. Keep repeating the cycle. It will help eventually. And THEN, when you're able to wake up and not think about him and your pain, spend some time getting to like the person you are so that you aren't so vulnerable the next time someone gives you some attention.
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