So I emailed the editors of TIME, I mean enough already.

I voted earlier, JoaN of course.

I'm doing laundry in preparation for packing for the flight for the photo shoot. Had my hair done already. I wanna look good peering out from behind JoaN's shoulder.

I've cast my vote for Joe!

(Hey, I think we all need that on a t-shirt!)

That's the spirit, Squinney, and Montana, I called Jennifer back and asked if there was any way we could get a limo to pick you up and guess what???? Jennifer said they were sending a guy named Albert over to my apartment. She said he would be taking care of me so when he gets here I'm going to ask Albert about your limo.

Bob, don't be shy. I Goggled datrs and found about a lot about the ancient way of dahtrism. And I was right about those feathers, too! Although, I'm not too sure about having them tied onto my thingdingading. The music sounded very nice though and the mystic peppercorns really could pep up a meal. When you come for the photo shoot you should bring your hat and robes.

Hey! I hear someone at the door!! Is it our limo??
Joe(this could be it)Nation

You've always been at the top of my list, Joe, so of course I will vote for you. Do you think a glowing letter of recommendation from me might sway any undecided editors at TIME? I promise, I can write letters that are so heartfelt and touching that they make people cry. I would be honored to do that for you, my old friend. You're the best. I have always been so proud to know you.

Your humble friend,

Eva




(Here's a kleenex. Oh, and I wanna ride up front in the limo.)

You want to ride with the driver, Albert, while the rest of us get drunk in the back??? Well, Okay. And start writing those letters, it seems my friend Jennifer wasn't being all that straight with me before. She sent Albert over here to rough me up a little, to try and dissuade me by taking my suede shoes from pursuing my dream, my little dream, of having a picture of the COMMON MAN and his supporting friends on the cover of TIME magazine. Can you believe it? They can put Jesus and Jesus' mom on the cover but not Joe Nation, regular guy and good sport.

Albert and I talked before he started beating the shiiit out of me because I could tell he was troubled. He was troubled by the situation. All I wanted was a cover and all Jennifer wanted was to have a Sunday to herself and her boing-boing vice-president boyfriend so she sent Albert over here with the boing-boing's limo to do me some harm. BUT because of the New York Songs thread I was actually playing the Beastie Boys Song about New York at about the crack the plaster volume when Albert arrived so hearing that he knew I couldn't be as much trouble as that bitch Jennifer.

So we have stolen uh we have removed uh we have aquired a limo and Albert who presently is sleeping off about half a bottle of frozen Stolys that I had in the ice box will be making the rounds to pick ya'll up.

Tulsa first, then out to pick up Montana, pack your back pack with plenty of paper. We are going to need some smooth words when I meet with Jeniffers boss on Tuesday. Jennifer kindly left her Blackberry in the side pocket of the back seat.

Wanna know the home number of the head of marketing at Time/Warner????

Joe(Should I get a haircut?)Nation

No, no, don't cut your hair for the shoot. It'll give the photo texture.
Mine will too; it'll make waves, I tell you.
So, is Albert single?

I'd decided on the black pants with the white piping, to be worn with the white shirt with the black piping - but now it's robes and hats?

The hat I can manage. Who's got a good robe? The only one I've got, that covers things, is pink velour, and I just don't think that'll work.

Pink velour could work, depends on what Joe is going to wear.

I think Bob is going to wear his dahtrism robes but the pants with the white piping sound good.

Are you sure it won't make you look like an Oreo cookie or is that the idea?

I asked Albert if he was married. He said that he wasn't but that his wife sure as hell was.

We inform, you decide.

Albert holds a degree from the AllFire House of Security and has an appointment next week to refit the rest of his missing teeth.

I actually spoke with a woman claiming to be his wife while he was asleep, passed out, whatever, her exact words to me were "If that sorry sumabeetch aint in my house by daybreak 'morrow, his sheet wilst be in the alley behind the Royal Muslim Mosque and Discount Furniture Palace."


So Osso, I think you have the inside track what with you being from the Bronx and all.

He said he'd take a shower right after he got back from picking up Ms. Montana and Ms. Eva.

Joe(Keep the windows cracked open a little)Nation

I think I'll look around a bit more.

He likes dogs. He has three pit bulls and one that went missing a couple three weeks ago that he thinks will turn up.

I'm thinking I should wear a red, white and blue shirt.

Joe(even my suit size is 40 Regular)Nation

I love to fly but my arms get tired.

Okay, here's the deal -- I'll write letters and even make threatening phone calls. We need you on the cover of Time, Joe. But I can't be in the photo shoot. Uh-uhn. If that gets printed in the magazine, somebody's bound to recognize me from my previous life and then I'd be up the ole proverbial creek. I think there're still a couple of warrants outstanding here and there, particularly in Texas and Utah. So, no photos, please. But I'm solidly behind ya, Joe baby.

I support your crusade, but I'm camera shy.

If the two of you don't want your picture on the cover of TIME, that's okay.

I'll have Jennifer send a cheese plate.

Joe(get it? Cheese? Photo? It's Common Man Humor) Nation

Think anyone will recognize me from those pictures on the post office wall?

Nah, you'll be wearing the hat, glasses, mustache, bandana and be holding a bag of corn chips. Besides, you are going to standing next to the most popular guy on the planet, me. The most regular, run of the mill average common man imaginable, that's me, plain toast.

Joe(I've changed a lot since high school)Nation

Jeeez!!! The things you have to go through just to get on the cover of Time.

Montana rushes off to have her hair & nails done before Albert shows up. Albert better not try any funny stuff with me cause I'll kick his ass into next week and see how he likes them apples.
Bet you didn't know that I took some self defense classes way back when and I still got the stuff to keep old toothless in line. Don't you worry bout dat ;-)

Hmph.

I sat in my front porch swing ALL DAY waiting for Albert to pick me up, and he never showed. I had both my suitcases packed...one full of complimentary letters about Joe, the other full of my lowest-cut silk blouses and push-'em-up-way-up bras, just in case I needed to make a big impression at the TIME editor's office on Joe's behalf. They made a hell of a difference the last time I wore them. I got two extra free pizzas from the Domino's pizza guy on Friday.

Anyway, where was Albert???

Joe, I'm gonna write a couple of letters myself. I think you could quite possibly speak for all mankind, plus you make a mean drink. But I was wondering...are we all invited to the class reunion? Cause I've got this dress I've been dying to wear and parties are always more fun when you're with your posse. Word.