Some theories on marriage - all feedback welcome

Hi all - apologies ahead of time if this gets to be a long post, but I'd really like to active feedback on some of the following.

I've been married now 5 years, to a wonderful woman that I met in college. We became friends over several years, then dated on and off for 3 years, and finally tied the knot after both of us ending our short-lived relationships with others.

From many other marriages I've seen, we really have worked out the petty details to a science. We both make great incomes and have solved the usual money issues, we know how to solve our other problems together, and we share many friends together. Sound like a blissful marriage?

For the most part it is, but recently many things have changed in my mind and I've spent the better part of the last several years thinking about marriage and society/culture as a whole and what it means.

Three years ago, my parents ended a 30 year marriage when my mother announced (at Thanksgiving no less) that she had been having affairs for nearly 10 years, and would be leaving my father to be with another man. My father and I were hit like a brick. It absolutely devastated my dad and he spent the better part of 2 years getting himself mentally back on his feet. Now, they remain friends, and have both moved on. They get along reasonably well, and even see each other on occasion.

But I digress; more to my point. Until the episode with my folks occurred, I never really thought about the future of my marriage, or others' marriages for that matter. Having come from a solid family, I naturally assumed I was "immune" to the troubles of the world and assumed my marriage would always have it's share of issues, but we would deal with them and blissfully move on.

However, I've begun to open my eyes a bit, and pay attention to what is happening in the world, in hopes that I might not be yet another blind sheep who follows the same footsteps and mistakes that have been made time and time again. What got me started was the sheer divorce statistics in this country. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Of the half that are left, 50% of those seem to want to divorce, but don't because of any number of reasons (children, religion, etc). The question I was forced to ask myself, is, what are we doing wrong as a society that makes so many people want to get out of marriage?

A few thoughts:
Have we, as a society, outgrown the ~need~ for marriage? Are we outwardly, and publicly trying to cling to a tradition, that, for most intents and purposes, isn't absolutely necessary anymore? Look at our culture, for the most part, people have the ability to live independently of each other these days. Jobs, homes, you name it, we all have the capability.

Also, when couples marry, the natural assumption is to live together (are there stats on couples that marry, but do NOT co-reside? I don't know, but I'd be interested). I realize there are many social, and especially economic advantages to living together, but does doing so, especially in today's culture, squash the love and desire out of us? Let me clarify. Name one roommate you've ever had that you didn't get sick of? I cannot. What makes us think, that our spouse would be immune to that affect? Daily routine, and little separation to me, seems to breed complacency. Complacency drowns out all of the sensation of "missing" someone, and voids the tiny bit of uncertainty in ones relationship that really stokes the fire of passion. Is one really willing to douse the fire of passion, in exchange for cheaper living?

I recall a recent conversation with my lovely spouse, where we both commented on how wonderful it was back when we lived separately, back when we were engaged, but separated by our independent lives and 250 miles. We both maintained our own lives, careers, and households, and were only able to see each other on the weekends. But what a feeling! I couldn't wait to see her, be with her, get intimate, and often drove in the wee hours of the night to do so! A feeling that would be hard to contemplate now!

The only other time I've felt this, since being married, is when I had traveled for two weeks on a trip with a friend. Being unable to see my wife, when I wanted, I began to miss her. Being "independent" and having the ability to go and do whatever I pleased, where my wifes input and decisions were not a fact, gave me room to appreciate what was at home, and miss her a great deal. What resulted, was a WHOLE day of the most amazing love making i've ever experienced. We made out like a couple of teenagers for litterally HOURS. I couldn't get enough of her, and any other petty issues that might be looming, seemed insignificant. A feeling I long for, and find it hard to imagine feeling now, when our daily lives are entangled together in daily routine issues.

To wrap that point, I now find myself looking forward to times away from home, and in the company of my friends and social life, more often than being at home, and intimate with my spouse. My question is, can a balance be found?

Another point I'd like to bring up, is in monogamy itself. I have no problem with being sexually dedicated to a single person - for as long as both desire it - not because they are married. But from a third-point observer, is this fighting an uphill battle against biology? Without entering things like religious, political, or philosophical teachings, which differ from person to person - human biology is the only common binder amongst ALL people. Is the attempt to be monogamous a fruitless quest? Though I love my wife dearly, and respect the trust between us immensely, my human desires, especially as a male, and attraction to the opposite sex has not dwindled. In fact, if anything, it becomes more intense over time - my theory being that my desire to be intimate with my wife, being numbed by the complacency experienced above. How about one's need for independence? As humans, it seems to me that we are designed to compete - in all areas. Without that exercise, we become lost in our minds and restless in our thoughts. The untold truth is that for nearly all time, man has been involved in extramarital affairs. In many cultures, it's almost expected. In our own, it happens under the table, and publically, is taboo; yet it happens, in staggering occurence!

How about marriage from a legal standpoint? Again, religious or political beliefs aside (i know they are important - not trying to ignore these, only trying to get to the common denominator) - what does legally binding yourself to someone gain you, that you didn't have already? Some might say that it is your solemn promise to stay together. First, based on what we observe, is this kind of promise even practical? Second, why do we need to legally bind ourselves to make this promise? Shouldn't that level of trust be there already, even if not practical? Does something change the day after you get married? Do you love someone more because you have legally bound yourself to them? And, it seems, it's this legal binding that ultimately creates havoc when a decision to leave the marriage (whether jointly or singly decided..). It's a field day for lawyers in the business, and, in my observation (again, welcoming any other point of view, or cases) magnifies an already tough situation.

Time and time again, we are observing the same thing - people fall in love, legally and/or religiously bind themselves together, only to face a high probability (the numbers don't lie) that it will end, for whatever reason. I find it very similar to mankinds attempt to create life, artificially. Living cells, are physically, and chemically quite simple. Yet despite all our knowledge and technology, we've been unable


I guess I'm finding myself studying this topic at great length mostly because of my parents case - what caused a perfectly happy, in my view, union to spiral so out of control? What does it mean for my own marriage? I too see the signs today, in my marriage that might, and likely will, lead to separation being the solution, despite the fact, that many would say I married the greatest, most giving woman on the planet, and our relationship is like a well-tuned machine. How could that possibly go wrong, and yet the early signs are there, as they are in many many other married couples that I know.


In light of all this, I'm not trying to be a gloom, or, have a bad attitude. I'm a curious scientist by nature, and long to find the solution, no matter how simple, crazy, unbelievable, or complex.


I have a theory, and I'm wondering what you all think of this:

Would it be better, for couples to, rather than marry and live together in the traditional sense, to instead, remain living independent from one another? To me the advantage would be:

1) The creation of some required balance and distance, enabling the couple to actually "miss" each other. Not knowing, all the time, what each other is doing, and where they are at creates a sense of "uncertainty" that itself enhances and amplifies passion for one another. Additionally, removes the "i'm sick of my roommate" factor.

2) The sensation of ones own independence. Though possibly economically more challenging, certainly offers the reward of self-accomplishment, as well as removes the possibility of one mate feeling "tied down" to the other. That's not to say that a couple can't help each other out - would I ever have given my love any amount of money, or resources that she needed, at any time when we dated? Of course I would!

3) The notion, that your monogamy is your own choice. Wouldn't a union between two people, be intensely beautiful, if it were being maintained by their own choice; knowing that they have their own independent lives, but choose to be together, rather than being 'legally contracted for life' to be together. There are some creatures, that simply can't be caged, no matter how large, or comfortable the cage is. It's still a cage. Might not the knowledge that you could leave, inconsequetially, at any time, by your own choices, remove the pressure, of being forced to be together, ultimately causing the end of the relationship?

I know the hard point I've missed here, is the prospect of raising children. How do you do it affectively, while living apart in western culture? Can it be done? Sure...does it always work? I don't know. This, my friends, is one of the holes in this theory. Many cultures, throughout history have lived this way very successfully - non-monogamous and communitively raising children. Not that western civilization is going to turn on that one overnight.

So, fellow readers, could this be a reasonable start, at explaining why so many marriages today end in divorce? Are we trying to maintain a tradition, that culturally, philisophically, and humanly isn't possible anymore? Am I a complete nut? Have I only realized what many already have?


I'll open the floor to all comments, suggestions, flames, and experiences...