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Do I have to tell my husband that he violated me?

 
 
Reply Wed 16 Jan, 2019 06:11 pm
After sex, that I did not want in the first place, I was left feeling violated and upset. He hugged me the next day and apologized, saying, "I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry."
He was so drunk that he does not even remember calling me for a ride home, or anything that happened after.
I have now told him that I want a divorce; citing different long standing issues. He wants to work on it. I don't think I can get past any of it. I still feel broken from that night. Do I really have to relive it in order to tell him what he did?
 
roger
 
  2  
Reply Wed 16 Jan, 2019 07:08 pm
@InvisibleMiddleChild,
Don't have an answer, but I continue to be a bit skeptical of the "I don't remember a thing'" defense. And if he really doesn't remember, that sounds like a good reason to get rid of him.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Wed 16 Jan, 2019 07:21 pm
@InvisibleMiddleChild,
Divorce is simple (not emotionally easy, but simple).

If you can't "get past it" then just end it. There is no point in rehashing anything. There is no score to be counted. Just leave and be done with it. There are only two things that matter in a divorce; you divide the money, and take care of the children. There is nothing else to talk about.

If you aren't going to get a divorce, then you have to work through your marriage. You have to explain how you feel hurt... and you have to listen to how you have hurt him. That is how marriages work.

So make a decision. If it is divorce, then end it and move on.


0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Wed 16 Jan, 2019 09:44 pm
@InvisibleMiddleChild,
You MUST tell him what he did.

Seek couples counseling and tell your husband in front of the counselor so you can express your hurt and betrayal in a safe place.

If he is still drinking, he needs to stop. If he won’t, that tells you where he is.
0 Replies
 
izzythepush
 
  3  
Reply Thu 17 Jan, 2019 01:28 am
@InvisibleMiddleChild,
You've already decided on a divorce, get a good lawyer and talk to him about what you need to go through without being too specific.

You don't have to do anything, and from what you've said it sounds like your husband is more interested in arguing the toss than owning up to what he did.
glitterbag
 
  3  
Reply Thu 17 Jan, 2019 01:54 am
@izzythepush,
Often abusers don't want to be penalized for the abuse. My first husband tried to kill me with an actual assault rifle he had stolen from his reserve unit. A year later he tried to convince me to reconcile, and when I said "you almost killed me" he responded "are you going to hold that against me forever?" I never went back, leaving him was the second best day of my life, giving birth was the first.
izzythepush
 
  4  
Reply Thu 17 Jan, 2019 02:02 am
@glitterbag,
What's a little attempted murder between friends?

It beggars belief, not least that he wasn't locked up for stealing an assault rifle in the first place.

You're well rid.
glitterbag
 
  6  
Reply Thu 17 Jan, 2019 02:32 am
@izzythepush,
That was the good old days when women were keep on pedestals (remember the late 70's). The police didn't seem to get too overwrought because it was a just a husband and wife thing. I wonder what their home life was like. Anyhow, OP needs to get out before he does something else that he doesn't remember.
0 Replies
 
bunnyhabit
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 27 Jan, 2019 01:57 pm
not much information here to comment on. other than your husband came home drunk and screwed you. what are your long-term issues and future goals?
0 Replies
 
mystikmind
 
  0  
Reply Sun 24 Mar, 2019 04:53 pm
@InvisibleMiddleChild,
I find the wording here a little odd "after sex, that i did not want in the first place"
What does that even mean?
Did you articulate that you did not want the sex? Did he then force himself upon you after you said no? If he did, then call it what it is - 'Rape'
But that wording gives me the impression this is more sower grapes, not rape.

Regardless of above, frequently coming home drunk is reason enough to get a divorce in my opinion.
0 Replies
 
TenderTinder
 
  0  
Reply Thu 6 Jun, 2019 08:46 pm
@InvisibleMiddleChild,
Yes, you should as an adult be able to speak honestly with your husband
0 Replies
 
Devking
 
  -3  
Reply Sun 9 Jun, 2019 12:56 am
Yes you should, telling him might just give you the closure you need not to end your marriage
0 Replies
 
 

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