Fiance woes...please help...need advice/wisdom

hmm
There was a time for about a 2 year span where we were ready to marry each other...

I admit I am not very comfortable and insecure right now.

I am going to see her and be with her for three months straight.

What do you guys think I should do? How should I approach this? I think we have talked enough about everything.

What's the best way for me to deal with the situation when breaking off is not an option?

I think my posts have given you guys a somewhat general scope of my fluctuating, unstable mentality. I can control it at times, but when the right buttons are pushed...it becomes hard for me. I love this girl and I want to be with her always...what do i do?

Thanks

Breaking off is an option at any point.

You have to be yourself around her. If you don't feel you can, she is truly not the right person for you.

How old are you, ReggieMe? Why do you feel you have to continue with the relationship, and move to marriage?

Sounds to me like there are a lot of expectations that are not being articulated. After quickly reading through this, I'm still not sure what is going on.

I will tell you that marriage has nothing to do with picking out wedding rings. It is a commitment made by one person to another... generally, though not always, including the promise to be with each other and only each other (in both a sexual & a spiritual sense). You both need to go into marriage KNOWING exactly what you expect.

Obviously, once in a marriage, the two people will have other friendships, but not (generally) of a sexual nature. Now, it sounds like your gf is not quite 100% sure that is how she feels about you and you (naturally enough) are demanding that.

Is this what you're getting at ReggieMe? Could you explain, a little more, just who this other person is and how he relates to your gf? Were they having a flirtation? Is she still somewhat interested in him or not willing to completely give him up?

I'm also wondering if she is being pressured by her family to get married.

Life together is a long time. People often grab on to the person they feel they love and make a longtime commitment when both people are really just beginning to be mature adults. Pushing it, trying to make this happen, is, I think, the wrong move, and can have painful repercussions.

hmm
She just gave me the impression that things were like the way they were before....and I sort of fell into that mindset (last week) that we were waiting to get married.

But it wasn't so...there are still kinks to work out.

I just turned 23.

I just feel good around this person and I want to do things that make her happy. Nothing is forced upon me. I am not doing this and that to try and win her back. Subconsciously, maybe I am. But I just do things for her because I love her and I cannot really explain it.

I want to continue this relationship simply because I think it is worth it. It is not because I think I cannot find someone else...of course I can (I am being realistic here, not being egotistic). But the time spent with her has been the best time in my life and I do not imagine a possible future where it can be better or worse with someone else. I am happy with where I am and I do not have the curiosity or ambition or desire to look further. I understand the mechanics of how relationship goes; things will not always be good, nor will you feel exactly as you did for a particular person during those first few "honey" moon weeks that you are together.

It's funny because our roles seem to be a little switched now (minus the guy). In the past, she was the one who was always pushing marriage, who talked about kiddies and what not, who pressured me (although I did not feel pressured, I liked it...but using the word "pressure" is the only way to describe it). She was the one that felt insecure and I just told her she was being silly because she was! I just was not ready for marriage at the time even though I wanted it...I was mostly scared that I did not have the means to take care of her the way she deserves. I love her very much and want the best for her because that's what she deserves imo. From her point of view, early on in our relationship I first suggested the idea of marriage and she jumped on the bandwagon and took it further. So maybe she just didn't trust me...she thought i was forcing something. Even now she questions if i am FORCING myself to like her. Which is definately not the case..how can i communicate this?

ANYWAY back to the present. I know somethings you cannot predict. People get married all the time and divorce. I mean the divorce was not planned. People who marry generally do not think that it won't work out. What this means is that we cannot predict certain things. And it seems that for some people, they want different things at different times. I dunno I don't work like that...I look at my history and damn...I just come to the conclusion that I want to be with this girl till I die. SURE, I have been interested in/attracted to some other people I have met...but I always instantly bounce back and think nothing about it. The woman I have now is the one I will always want and I will do nothinig to hurt her. I'd rather hurt myself. And perhaps that's why I feel I want to marry this girl. AFTER this incident occured (ie. the guy showed up), I think I just built up more courage to do what I want..it made me realize certain things...it made me stronger....it made me realize that sometimes u just gotta go for it


Breaking off is an option at any point..sure it is. But it is not entirely realistic given the situation I am in. I will be living with and seeing her everyday. We will be having intercourse. OR should I just go as far as I could to avoid her? (ie. sleep in separate beds, don't have sex, dont' do any couply stuff). Where's the breaking point? Where is the line drawn?

I dunno what to do.

hmmm
Sorry to kinda deceive you guys.

But yes, I am the long departed Nappy and I am back.

Things are better now, but still not where I want it to be.

Hi, Nappy. Don't deceive us, gets you no where and gets us nowhere either. We don't mind you went through the ring and the asking thing.

Don't feel embarrassed about things not being great when you have been expressing happiness here before. Many of us have been through a variety of things and do understand.

Personally, I feel a thousand years older than you, which figures, since I am a lot older. I see you as the idealistic self in many of us in our early years, and foresee your being hurt. I suppose there is some chance you won't be, but I don't think you have your eyes wide open; I think they're wide open to what you wish.

I think you should look around and think about what you personally want to achieve as an interest in life. Interests are generated and survive in one's mind, and are not necessarily shared by mates, nor should they be, although some of them can be shared, one should have one's own interests. I think you should be about developing yourself and your own maturity. Perhaps your relationship will work out, and perhaps it won't, but you need to work on developing you.

Having a long time mate is very good, but don't be in such a rush.
A long time wrong mate is way more difficult.

Hi Nappy. This does make a bit more sense in the context of what you've told us before.

Of course, it also makes me feel even more strongly that you need to pull back on this a bit. Why? cuz I already know and like Nappy and don't want him to be hurt.

You are planning to spend the next three months with the girl and her family. Will you be living in her family's home, or separately? I'm trying to figure out what pressures you might be under with all of this.

hmm
Hello osso,

Yes I am not mature in many ways..socially especially. I have a history of fearing embarassment. A multitude of factors such as my own nature/upbringing have resulted in this mental condition heh.

I do have my own interested. And maybe that was a problem. I am studying things very different from her, I am into certain sports, I like to game etc. Perhaps I did not pay enough attention to her interests in the past...I am not sure.

But things have changed for the better...regarding my relationship to her. I cherish her more now and ultimately I think this can only be good for us in the long term if things turn out well.

Yes I am inexperienced, I am disfunct in many ways...but I am sure that this is the person I want to grow and learn with. OR am I being naive?

hmm
Hi ehbeth,

I am living with her family for the next couple of months because of MY own family complications that I was unaware of (until I was told 3 days ago). Basically we are taking a trip together to hong kong where some of both our families resides. During this time, we are also looking for employment so we won't be together all the time.

I am so sorry..it seems like I am using this board and I only come back when I have problems. But I am truly grateful for all the help I have received.

Anyway, when I can fight the emotions and my own selfishness, I do want the best for her. It is just that recently (here i go again) she gave me the feeling that we were as good as before and I think that was a direct result of me giving her a lot of space in the past month or so. And then I was hooked again and started questioning her, breaking apart her "arguments" to the point that she really didn't have much to say (i think). And that made her uncomfortable.

A part of me says that she screwed up too, or she wasn't really cautious about controlling her feelings and how they would alter my own feelings. And as you can tell, I was upset/angry. However, I realize that it is ultimately my fault...I made things sour again. I could not control myself...

Anyway, my expectations of her after she said told me all those sweet-goody things was that she would, out of her own account, take steps to get this other person out of our lives. She constantly reassured me till he was notthing..till i started questioning her (which maybe conveyed that I did not trust her)....to the point where she kinda admitted that she is still a little curious...

oh i missed this..
"
You are afraid to act naturally around this woman, yet you want to marry her.

To repeat myself: From what you have said, neither of you are ready for marriage"



I actually act natrually in front of her all the time. I am now uncomfortable to act as naturally as I would in front of her now. I am afraid to act a given way now....but was not before. I do not get it..what do u mean by acting naturally? ehBeth has suggested that I need to GIVE HER MORE SPACE, ease off a bit. What is implied is not a natural way of acting but a way of strategizing to a certain extent?

I am asking the question...is it bad to cry as I previously did..in front of her now? Does it show I am weak and pathetic (that's what my mom told me)? Or is it all relative...

I dunno plz help.


The thing is, when I gave her space (which caused me to act unnaturally in a way because I really mised her...it required discipline on my part) things seemed good and the marriage talk, the kiddy talk came around again. What the heck is natural and unnatural, where is the line drawn....when can it be good for or against u...

hmmmm
Another question...

Several have stated that i should break it off for a while.....does that mean no contact?

I see pluses and minuses to the situation. If I break all contact maybe her feelings for me will be strong enough and she will come back to me....

I already tried to let go a bit for a month and a half and everything seemed fine. Then I couldn't control myself and started pressuring her again as things were going well.



I am annoying, naggy and redundant. And my writing has turned in to horse shiit cause i'm a bit too stressed right now to really give a damn.

In my situation, do you think it would be best for me to maybe break contact with her for like 2 months? Of course I won't just disappear..but i'll just tell her we need a break and that maybe we should only contact each other if there was a crisis.

How can you break contact with her if arrangements have been made to go to HK with her family?

In the future, I think it is best to not question her (or anyone) too closely about anything. Hearing someone "admit" under close questioning that she may be curious... well, <shrug>... what do you expect?

If she wants to tell you... that is one thing, if you have to question & question someone, you are just asking for trouble.

I know a lot of people have said this, but I must agree... you two shouldn't get married, not right now o_o

Marriage solves no problems, yes it only makes them worse. You need to solve as many problems as possible before the marriage sets in, because it will magnify your amount of stress (finances, home, family, kids..). You don't want to add stress onto a marriage that started from a broken foundation.

Marriage is not a "I love her, so I want to" thing. It is completely a "I know we can solve anything" mission. I believe the divorce is so high, partly because many people do not contemplate this. They rush into marriage because, "hey, we're in love!! *swoon*" and assume that love can fix anything. It can't. Love cannot fix problems on its own, and you should never rely on "marriage" to fix anything.

You can continue dating her... but do not marry this woman until you know yourself, and her completely. You should have no nervousness around her, no fear, no confusions you can't ask about, and she should not feel a need to hide anything, or deliberately hurt you in any way. There should be no one you're more comfortable with, and more relaxed with, and know better than your future wife.

You should expect no less, and she should expect no less, when you two (if ever) choose to marry.

Marriage is not fun "buying rings" and "having kids! yay!"... it is a commitment that requires a major level of trust and understanding between two people. Kids should not be one of the first things on your mind, when you first marry. You need to prioritize each other first, don't get carried away with buying fun things and making long-term plans before you even know how compatible you are as people. >_>


I'm not sure why people are telling you to leave her, I guess I missed that part o__O It doesn't sound like you guys are in trouble enough for that, just postpone the wedding, or cancel it for now completely.

I don't remember telling him to leave her. On the other hand, I did say things about getting on with his own maturing.

Marriage can be long and always - always - has some difficult bits. Long as in 50 years. Why people try to get it on with the first people they know when they have romantic interests - well it's natural. But jumping into marriage is not always wise, at all. Step back. If you are a serious couple, you will work it out.

I'll add that hormones tend to rule, and hormones are basically stupid. We override them with romantic views. But it is smart to step back and look at ourselves.

hmm
Thanks for the help guys...

However, I am not finding some of these comments helpful maybe cause I did a poor job of really discussing my situation. I have gone into depth about us previously...

I dunno I do not think we are rushing into anything..it's just that a problem had arisen. We have been together for 3 years that that time disproves or approves of anything...but yeah we were very comfortable with each other and trust was never a problem.

Anyway, can someone give me a dumbed down version of what I should do?

I will be seeing her for 3 months, almost every day. How should I act in order to keep things sane for the both of us? I love this girl and she's a bit confused right now...

thx

IMO, ReggieMe, you shouldn't "act" at all. At least, I assume being who you are means being a complete gentleman, because that is what you should be. Be cautious, curious & kind to this girl.

You should BE who you are but be more reticent about your feelings. Have fun with her, don't go out with anybody else in a romantic way. Mostly, concentrate on why you are in Hong Kong. Celebrate the now and don't bring up marriage at all. If she brings it up, listen carefully and do not to jump in with your own demands or jealous questions. Encourage her to open up to you so you know just who she is and what she wants. Mull everything over very carefully -- is her plan your plan? Sometimes waiting and preparing is exactly what you should be doing. This is the time for that. Three months is not very long to think hard about the rest of your life.

Can't you just be there now & have fun doing it?

hmmm
Piffka,

It's great waking up this morning and seeing your post just before I depart this afternoon.

I think you sort of clarified what I intended to do (what my gut feeling told me to do) yet was unable to carry out on a consistent basis.

I feel more confident about the road ahead.


Thank you.

That makes feel good, thanks for saying so. I wish you every success, ReggieMe and I think you will be just fine. Please keep in touch & tell us how it is working out for you. Best of luck in Hong Kong.

Piffka