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Sat 9 Apr, 2005 11:14 am
We have been talking about marriage lately and have contemplated about buying wedding ring, thinking about our future kiddies etc.
HOWEVER, what occurred a while back was that she met someone who she felt attracted to, who she thought she knew. Months have past and after giving her a lot of room, she again started to talk about marriage, about how she loves me, about how she feels I treat her best. She suggested I go see her in a week. Anyway, I know her. And she gave me that feeling of confidence in our relationship again...
However, when push comes to shove I started questioning her about her and the other man. She says she talks to him less now through MSN and that he would have no impact on our future. Yes, I got pushy because I have demands too and it is not fair for me if she gives me a good feeling without commiting. Anyway, she says she still has a bit of feelings for this person, she still has that ounce of curiosity. AND THUS, when I talk about what she talks about (ie. when i control the conversation about marriage, kiddies etc).....she backs off a bit.
I have asked her repeatedly to try and stop talking with this person if she already decided on being with me.....that's the impression I got over the last week and I asked her if she was ready to stop talking to this person. Rational or not, I have explained to her that it hurts me when u talk to this person and it isn't really a trust issue. But she tells me she can't do it...because it is not necessary. YET when i question her further, she agrees that maybe she still has a bit of feeling for this other person.
What the heck should I do? What should I make of this...I am seeing her in a week and will be spending the next 3 months with her. WHY DOES SHE DO THIS, why does she set up this situation? Please help me understand what's going on....
thanks.
I have given her space in the past. But last week she started this again..
She initated all this;
"I love you"
"I am the most comfortable with you"
"I know I was loose in the past, but it will be good hereafter"
" Let's go look at wedding rings when u get here"
"We should name our kids this and that"
etc.
etc.
So our recent conversations have given me the confidence to find out certain things from her about the other person. At first, she said that he was nothing . But then I got her to commit that she was still a bit curious about him and would not stop talking to him.
WHAT should I do? I have given her space, I have restrained myself and sacrificed my own needs, I have wallowed in sadness alone without her knowing...because I know I love her. Then she starts this Sh1t again.....I feel dangled, I feel slighlty used, I feel like a momentary infatuation that fades away. She has taken steps to ensure i'll be spending a lot of time with her in the upcoming months...but i do not think i can help but suffer, and feel miserable at times.
I dunno what to make of all this. I just want to get on with life, marry this girl and take good care of her.
Was I pushing early again? She is already talking to this guy less and likes him less now...But I dunno, I dont' want to blame her, but she gave me those feelings of being great together......yet i do not feeel that way anymore.
what should i do? what should she do? Or is she required to do anything at all?
PS: I have a history of being overly redundant, sorry.
Just like she needs reassurance, so do you. It really shouldn't be a question of what can you do but what is SHE going to do to make you feel good about things.
Stand up for yourself. It takes two to create a successful relationship.
hmm
EOE,
She said she'll show me when i get there...But the ultimate way to SHOW me is to have the discipline and will to stop talking to this other person.
That would be the best way for me and it just cures her of all ailments.
Am I expecing too much, too soon?
I suspect I became pushy because i wanted FURTHER reassurance. But it isn't really good that when i seek this, I find out other things...Just doesn't make me feel as confident about her feelings towards me as b4.
So anyway, i pushed marriage even further..i said i wanted it ASAP just because I think marriage WOULD help us combat this slight problem. It's not a new thing...we have talked about marriage in the past. Did i go over the line? You may say I have, but knowing her and knowing our history...i'd say..maybe not.
No one knows better than you. But I would never marry someone I didn't feel 100% sure about. If there are doubts...
Don't push marriage, thinking it will somehow solve troubles in the relationship. The relationship needs to be strong and solid, before marriage is discussed. Weddings and marriages are hard work.
Is it just this one other person she's to stop talking to?
She's not ready to commit. In a mood like this it will drive you crazy. Don't push. You're trying to make a decision for the rest of your life. If there's doubt listen to that doubt. If the decision is made to marry both have to be fully committed or you're trying to build something that will easily topple. This might take courage but offer to break it off. It may make her confront her feelings and examine them in a new light. If your loss affects her enough to finally make her commit it may remove doubt from both of you. Evasion won't work. If her feelings are this tepid at this point it's a real warning sign. I don't know if you're the type of person who holds things in. If you are, this is a good time to share your feelings with a trusted person be it either a family member or friend
By the way welcome to a2k. I'm sure you'll hear from others on this site. Listen to them and evaluate. Good luck.
hmmm
Ehbeth,
Yes it is just this one person I want her to stop talking to. I reasoned with her saying that she only met him once and he is not worth it because I suggested the fact that if he died tomorrow she wouldn't really care. And she agreed. I have told her that our relationship should be paramount and she should not do things that hurt me, be it rational or not AND given the situation..I am hurt by it
BRB guys thx a lot need to head out for a bit!
Bobs, it will be hard to break it off with her now. I am going over to see and stay with her for 3 months...
I totally agree bobsmyhawk. You can't push things like this. If she's confused now you don't want to end up regretting things after you are married.
i wish you all the best.
When you stay with her, will it just be the two of you living together? Will you be sharing chores, and budgeting together?
Judging from your post, I don't think that either one of you are ready for marriage. Your courtship is in difficulty because you two do not agree with the way she is "allowed" to behave.
You write:
Quote:It is not fair for me if she gives me a good feeling without commiting.
In other words since you love her and you want to be married she should hop on board?
I wouldn't want to marry a controlling bully and I don't think she does either.
I have never been a controlling bully..
Recently, she has talked about all this marriage jargon and kids and stuff. She even wanted us to take professional photos together and look at wedding rings and what have u.
How am I controlling? I do not get it. What I did, and judging by her response, is to expose the situation.
We have lived together for 3 years...we are very close with each other's families. But I do not know what she is doing...she is telling me to go over to her place and stay there with her family for 3 damn months. So, what gives?
I do not think that there is necessarily reason to not get married. I have the confidence that marriage would solve her issue...I mean she re-started these marriage conversations. A lot of married who get married shouldn't have been married in teh first place. But I think we have what it takes to keep it good if we do move onto the next stage.
I dunno maybe i'm just upset right now..because she gave me the impression that we were somewhere but it sort of wasn't. Hey, I let her go...I gave her space. I gave her time to think about certain things..she felt comfortable and comfortable enough to talk about marriage and things again and even asked me to go stay with her. YES, and then i pushed her...not forcing her to do anything but double, triple, quadruple think about what she just said. And then things were not the same.
Sorry to sound like an A-hole, I dunno i'm just not feeling well these days.
So how do you think I should strategize?
I know it is best to break it off for now but that doesn't seem like a possibility. I also understand that however I am gonna approach this...it requires a huge amount of discipline on my part.
And what about her talking to the other person? She has said time and time and time again that they are just friends. Nothing more...an impossibility. But once i question her further, she just says....she still has that bit of curiosity.
I'd be a bit more optimistic about your ability to sort things out if it was just going to be the two of you living together over the next couple of months. Being with family/around family will give too much buffer for either of you to be able to get a good reading of the current situation.
Good luck with this, Reggieme.
ReggieMe--
You keep repeating that she's not being fair to you and that she's not treating you well.
Then you insist that you want her to stop communicating with this other guy and concentrate on the future with you.
Perhaps she feels she's being fair. Perhaps she resents you trying to hurry her into a marriage she's not ready for.
You are treating her like a problem to be solved instead of a person to be listened to/talked to.
hmmmm
I dunno what I am doing...
She just keeps talking about marriage, about having kids in 2.5 years etc. And when I TALK ABOUT it..things don't seem the same..
Hmm. You sound like you have very good intensions! And so does she.
First of all marrage is wonderful! It is also difficult.
But your statement, "I have the confidence that marriage would solve her issue...", is completely false. Not to be harse, but it sounds like it is your issue, not her's. Marrage will only magnify this by 10 times. Kids by 100!
It is all in how you express what you want and need. She has the right to do whatever she wants. You have the right to ASK for what you want and need. If the two of you can communicate these needs and work together to resolve them; get married tomorrow. If not, wait until you can.
Don't make her "WRONG" and work through this with her before your marrage, and you'll last a long time. You have to face the possibility that she is not the girl for you, but that's up to the two of you.
Make it HER issue or force her to CHANGE and your in for trouble.
Good luck and best wishes.
hmmm
I would do anything for her.....yes I lost of my composure and was just drawn into her in THAT way because of what she said to me recently.
I love her very much and she does too
But I dunno I just don't understand why certain things haven't been done. I trust her 100%..i mean I have to.
I have never put the blame on her...she felt like a "bad" person, I told her there's no right or wrong in this situation. U are not bad.
I think I need to do a better job of controlling myself...i did well but i need to do even better now that I will be seeing her everday for the next 3 months basically and not lose focus. Maybe that's it u guys think? I dunno...
And is it OK for me to cry or seem sad in front of her? I want to look strong, be confident...but I also want the leisure to just do anything in front of her..cause she knows who I am. I don't want to hide anything that is me....
Thanks so far...
You wrote:
Quote:And is it OK for me to cry or seem sad in front of her? I want to look strong, be confident...but I also want the leisure to just do anything in front of her..cause she knows who I am. I don't want to hide anything that is me....
You are afraid to act naturally around this woman, yet you want to marry her.
To repeat myself: From what you have said, neither of you are ready for marriage.
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