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Should I reveal to my best friend that I am gay?

 
 
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2019 12:53 pm
I have a friend that I have known for many years. He is my best buddy. Every year he visits me from overseas. When he is not here, we are in constant correspondence, almost daily. He calls me his “best friend” and “buddy” even though I am years his senior.

The problem is that I am gay and not sure about his orientation. I’ve never told him I am gay, but he may have guessed, even though he knows I was once married. He was also married before. Shortly after making acquaintance eight years ago, I made advances, and he told me “STOP or we will not be friends”. Also when there was the shooting of the gay night club in Orlando, he remarked, “I love women, not men”. But sometimes I feel he is putting on a facade.

Our friendship has matured so much over the years that we are very relaxed together. We share a single towel on a nude beach, we swim nude in the pool, we hang around nude in hotel rooms and even share the bathroom at the same time. Several times I have told him in writing that I love him - but no comment from him. Is he just too proud to say he is interested? Maybe it’s his culture?

We may be seeing each other more frequently than once a year and I am thinking/hoping there is a possibility we might get into a relationship. My question is, should I tell him I am gay or just “let nature takes it’s course” as I try to get him interested and attempt to discover his true identity. My fear is that I might lose this friendship. I do not know how he would react to “his buddy” being gay. Lost of the friendship would be devastating but then again, when he is here, I am so frustrated because I know what I want, think that possibly he wants the same thing, but fear I might offend him. What should I do?
 
jespah
 
  5  
Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2019 01:18 pm
@simbafish,
If you've made advances to him, then he's probably well aware that you're gay.

And don't come out to him just because you are hoping for a relationship; come out to him because you want to share with him this personal detail about yourself.

Having said that, it will be a good idea to clear the air. Better that you know, than that you pine for him, if it doesn't work out. And of course if it does, then yay! But take this one step at a time. Tell him, in person, that you are gay. And make it clear to him that his friendship is very important to you.

And then see what happens. He may feel freer in your country than in his own, and something might develop. Or maybe he's closeted no matter where he goes. Or maybe he gets uncomfortable and the friendship ends. Or maybe he's 100% straight and you stay pals but nothing else happens.

So start with a conversation. No big feelings revelations. No asking/suggesting a relationship.

"I just want you to know that I am a gay man. And I also want you to know that your friendship means a great deal to me. This is why I feel so comfortable telling you, and making it clear."

See what happens.
simbafish
 
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Reply Sun 6 Jan, 2019 06:00 pm
@jespah,
Thanks for taking time to read my account and for your thoughtful reply. You are probably right in your answer, but I was hoping there was a middle of the road action that I might take. Problem, once the cat is out of the bag, I have to accept the consequences. Don't know if I am willing to take that chance.
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