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Why does my boyfriend do this to me during intimacy?

 
 
Sam560
 
Reply Tue 1 Jan, 2019 12:24 pm
So my boyfriend and I have been going out for a year now(we're both 24) and he is a Somali Muslim immigrant. The relationship is great but there are cultural differences we have conflicted on every now and then since he's Muslim and I'm white. But we recently started sleeping together and during sex he'll slap me if I move too much, and he wants me to be completely still while we do it. He doesn't slap me hard but I thought it was strange. I'm a lot taller than him so I'm not intimidated or anything by this(he's a good guy either way) but he always wants me to lay on my back while he does whatever, and will only allow me to move and do something when he wants me to.

And he's into a lot of extreme sexual practices I'm not familiar with. It's fun but very awkward since I don't know what to do and he is very hyper and works very fast.

He also has me wear a vail/headscarf/hijab or whatever it's called that covers the face except the eyes when we'd go to his Muslim church to pray. And now he has me wear it when we sleep together which I don't mind, but again I think it's a little ridiculous.

Is this like a Middle East practice thing? Or is it because of his religion?

An older coworker of mine who's dating a Muslim dude who's my boyfriends age says he's pretty rough with her also. She very petite and she says he gets pretty rough with repositioning her and throws her around quite a bit like a rag doll and he can do it pretty easy too since she's so petite.

She's a very hyper enthusiastic and fun person but even she says he wears her out a lot since he's pretty hardcore in what he does to her.

She also says he will slap her if she doesn't stay still or if she does something he told her to but does it in a way he doesn't like he'll slap her. But she says he never really hits hard or hurts her, he's just very controlling of her body.

Is this all a cultural thing? If it is how could I better accommodate for my boyfriend's cultural differences? I have no clue what they practice in his culture and I can't find anything on Google about this.
 
maxdancona
 
  6  
Reply Tue 1 Jan, 2019 12:44 pm
@Sam560,
Nope, it is not a cultural thing. It is a relationship thing.

You say the "relationship is great", so why don't you talk to him about it. If you like it... stick with it. If you don't like it... say so, and if that doesn't work... leave him.

You have the ability to choose for yourself. Figure out what you want. The culture doesn't matter, any couple has to figure out the relationship for themselves.

Glennn
 
  5  
Reply Tue 1 Jan, 2019 12:50 pm
@Sam560,
For a change, next time you have sex, tell him that you want him on his back and to not move until told to do so. If he refuses, ask him why. I'm sure his answer will be quite enlightening.
0 Replies
 
Sam560
 
  1  
Reply Tue 1 Jan, 2019 03:46 pm
@maxdancona,
Well I wouldn't say "great". I may have spoken prematurely. He doesn't speak English very well but I've had fun showing him how things are done here. When he first immigrated here he didn't know anything about western countries, and he didn't even know how to use a toilet, but I've helped him a bit and it's been fun showing him the ropes and being his girlfriend.

I know you're right about figuring out relationships. I just am unsure if there's something I need to do because I'm positive it's a cultural thing.

When he asked me to be his girlfriend he sad he loved me and wanted to have kids with me which is odd but given he's not from here I thought he was sweet, and if we did ever get that serious I'd definitely like kids with him.

I have asked him about why he's so rough with me, and from what I was able to understand from his level of English he said it was "the way men do things with their girls"

I can tell he gets agitated when I don't do the right things in bed. It's like I can't do anything right and every time I try something he gets frustrated and forces me to stop and do something else. Recently When we were in bed he pulled down the hijab and kissed me, but when I removed it to kiss him he slapped me and shouted "you don't that!". Or the other day he got on his back and told me to sit on his croch while facing him with my feet on either end of the bed and I tried that but he kept getting angry that I wasn't in the right posture and he was very specific about me making a kind of wide "M" shape with my legs as I sat on him, and this was a hard position to pull off without using my hands to balance but he said to keep my hands at my sides and was adamant that I made that M shape with my legs as I sat on him and he wouldn't have it any other way.

I mean, I don't mind doing all that for him, I want to do it so he is satisfied but I feel there are things I need to know in order to perform right.

I've tried to ask him what exactly I need to do, BUT because of the language barrier he just doesn't understand me.

I know you might say this is a sticky situation but I really like him and I always keep in mind he's from another culture and background, and he has no idea about a lot of norms and values we have here. It's just the way he was raised.

I personally don't mind him doing all this to me in bed but I want to do things right so he's not always correcting me all the time.

I just wonder if there is some Muslim rules for women during sex? Or if there are any guidelines or common practices women from his culture are supposed to do?

Because I want to know how to make him comfortable and do things from his culture so he feels at home while I work on our communication and relationship so we can both understand each other better in the future.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Tue 1 Jan, 2019 03:51 pm
@Sam560,
It doesn't sound you are enjoying this relationship. What are you getting out of it? A relationship should go both ways... both partners should be getting pleasure from it.

I am in a multi-cultural relationship. When she wants me to do something from her culture, I do it because I want to please her. Fortunately, usually the things she asks for are actually fun for me too... but am happy to do things for her because she likes them. She does the same, when I want something different, I ask. This is true sexually, but it is also true outside of the bedroom.

A good relationship goes both ways... each partner gives to the other and both are happy. We all have our limits. I would personally have a problem with slapping (from either side) during sex. I am happy to be on either side of oral sex in pretty much any position... the face sitting you are suggesting isn't comfortable for me, but I am game.

If the relationship doesn't work this way, you should simply leave. Culture has nothing to do with it.

The question is what are you getting out of this relationship. If there is no good answer, then get out of it.
Sam560
 
  1  
Reply Wed 2 Jan, 2019 01:00 am
@maxdancona,
I understand your point. I was just wondering if there were any cultural rules of his I should roughly follow. I know you said culture has nothing to do with it but I think it somewhat does because he's told me once before. And also his former girlfriend who was also Muslim (and from the Middle East but grew up here mostly & speaks perfect English) told me guys like him have strong Islamic beliefs and they all treat their women about the same way, and that in her culture and religion she was raised in women are expected to give their man sex whenever he wants her to.

She also mentioned the hijab wearing was common practice so that's why I went and bought a hijab and he was very pleased when I wore it during sex. She also mentioned there were some things for Muslim women to know about being intimate with their man but she said my boyfriend should explain it to me.

So I'm kind of stuck.

I do enjoy the relationship, but I just wanted to know what to do so he's not always correcting me. I am pretty happy and we are both very close in our everyday life, I just didn't want to disappoint him in bed.

Although I didn't mention face siting, (just me sitting on his crotch) he is into that as well and he like me to sit on his face and he'll do the same to me but with a lot of correcting in between. And he is into everything from vaginal to oral sex both ways for us. And I really don't mind being slapped, I actually enjoy it

I'm really enthusiastic to have a multicultural experience with him, and his ex girlfriend also told me he's excited to be with me because I'm white and he really likes white women and the different culture. BUT he very much likes who I am as well, which he's told me many times. He's just excited to have an opportunity to be in a relationship with someone completely foreign to his culture and what he's used to.

So we are both satisfied with our relationship.

It's just he's pretty extreme with me in bed and really wears me out with all the things he does to me, and I don't mind him bossing me around, (he's never been legit mean to me) I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do besides just letting him do things to me while I lay still.

Like what the common Muslim women's practices are for sex. I just haven't been able to find anything useful on google
maxdancona
 
  4  
Reply Wed 2 Jan, 2019 11:02 am
@Sam560,
No you are not stuck. And this has nothing to do with culture.

Figure out what you want from this relationship. Then figure out what you are willing to give based on what you partner wants. And figure out what doesn't work for you. If you want to know what is important to your partner, ask him... And realize that each man is different.

If it were me, I would not accept the slapping, nor would I be willing to attend religious services more than once. I would be willing to do the oral sex and the different position, and to play with Dom/sub. But that is me, you have to figure out for yourself what you want.

If you can build a relationship that is good for both of you... then do it. If not, then move on.
Lash
 
  0  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2019 12:44 pm
It seems like the Somali guy was expecting his gf to lay passively still and let him do what he wanted like she was a life-sized fuckpuppet. He smacked her when she took initiative in any way, including her moving her hijab to kiss him.

Sounds like great fun for her.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2019 01:08 pm
@Lash,
I am wondering if this is a made up story for a political purpose. Whether or not this is real there is a point here. Women are adults and responsible for their own lives and for the relationships they choose for themselves. She still hasn't given a believable explanation as to why she chooses to be in this relationship.

I know a couple where the wife chose to convert to Islam. There relationship is good for both of them... she is happy with her decision.

If this story is real, culture has nothing to do with it. In any relationship each partner is responsible for their own happiness... if you choose to be in a relationship that isn't good for you it is your own fault.

This is another case where the narrative falls apart if you switch the genders... a woman portrayed as a victim (even though no one is forcing her) is cliche.


Lash
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2019 01:13 pm
@maxdancona,
It does seem to be begging for a political response.

Did the converted friend-wife seem to become submissive to her husband, in your opinion/observation? (Interesting)


Edit: I guess there are as many iterations of religions as there are adherents. Interpretation...
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Thu 3 Jan, 2019 01:21 pm
@Lash,
I know them socially (I don't have an intimate view of their relationship)... but no. The wife wears a hijab, but she is pretty outspoken and opinionated. She has liberal political views on many issues and states them more than her husband. I can't imagine her accepting violence.

I don't know if you have noticed... people in real life don't act as plastic versions of their stereotypes.

I spend a lot of time in Mexico. It makes me laugh when people tell me that I don't "act like an American". Americans are cold and calculating... when I give a warm hug or a kiss or express affection I break their idea of what an American should act like.


0 Replies
 
Sam560
 
  1  
Reply Mon 7 Jan, 2019 01:00 pm
@maxdancona,
Alright maxdancona, I suppose there are things he and I should figure out. And I promise this isn't politically motivated. I have nothing but full respect for Somali people and Muslim culture/religion.

But I guess we should have an understanding between us. Right now we don't talk much outside of being intimate.

I don't mind doing what he wants like I said earlier. And also, I do enjoy being slapped, maybe this is a fetish or something? I enjoy what we have even though it may just be purely physical.

I guess there's nothing cultural to it. I'll try to work with him so we are both getting what we want.

In your opinion, would it be odd if our relationship was just physical and had little emotion?

Because that's how I feel things are going. When we met I was intrigued that he was so different, and I felt a sort of will to help him out with the culture change and it of it we became partners which I liked.
maxdancona
 
  2  
Reply Mon 7 Jan, 2019 02:01 pm
@Sam560,
If I were in such a relationship, I would leave. It wouldn't be odd at all. It would be over.

If the relationship isn't working, why stay? If the relationship is working, why complain?
0 Replies
 
 

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