Am i a pervert? I just can't stop groping this woman?

I need advice. I have a very strange situation to handle.I don't know what to do? I am 53year old skinny short 5ft3 tall wrinkled face thin lips green eyes grayhaired soft butch single lesbian woman. People call me ugly alot of the times, and also make jokes about my looks. Ever since I was 14 people always call me names. I think I'm ugly and you can tell me I'm beautiful but I won't believe it. And that's my problem. I'm so firm in my views and I don't know what to do. Since childhood I have suffered taunts about being ugly,short and masculine. I suffered the worst bullying in high school, It was torture.

About three months ago i joined this all-female group with a specific focus. Two times times a week after work I attend this group meetings that focuses on developing self-awareness, self-confidence and self-efficacy for women to improve their professional and personal lives. The meetings are held at the community center. .

One woman group attendee is a 42year old 5ft10 tall heterosexual curvy hourgllass shaped attractive brunette. She has very large massive breasts and she does have a big butt. She has very olive skin. Most of her outfit are satin pant and skirt suits satin coats and satin and silk blouses. She is always on high heels and full make up on. She is curvy, tall and busty, so many clothes tend to look sexier on her than on a thin person. She wears almost always her satin and silk blouses fully buttoned to the top combined with a satin skirt or satin pants. She doesn't wear anything vulgar but because of her body type anything she wears looks tight on her. She is 5ft10 tall and and being well endowed well built and curvy always on high heels makes her HUGE! Standing next to me she looks like a giant. She is married for 16 years and she has a 14 year old daughter. She is very serious, arrogant, and stuck up. Most of other women group attendees seem to think she is a stuck up overdressed snob. When she speaks with other women , she tends to be overly nice and I guess that comes off as fake which definitely doesn't help the situation. Also this woman is kinda dumb. Sometimes she says some really stupid/ignorant things. Her geography is extremely bad. If somebody asked her if Australia was in southern or northern hemisphere she wouldn't know. She knows nothing about politics or the ongoing affairs of the world and thinks history is boring. To be honest the reasons I'm drawn to her are her looks and her clothes. Also she is upper middle class,stuck up snob. She is completely stuck up, spoiled and arrogant. She's a deeply unhappy woman and the only way she can feel better about herself is by feeling 'superior' to others. .

Please try not to judge me too much as this forum is supposed to be accepting and non-judgemental. After my third meeting i couldn't resist as this woman was standing in front of me ( my face is exactly the level of her breasts) i said to her "Wow! Your breasts are sooo large! Can i touch them" AS i was already grabbing and squeezing them! She was too shocked to say anything about it right then and there. Since then i randomly walk up to this woman and start touching her breasts or butt.
I act like its all a big joke, laugh, etc. Often she makes it clear she don't like it, but i act like that's part of the joke, too.I often stroke,jiggle and squeeze her massive soft breasts and slap and rub her ass , in a joking/playful way.

I hate myself for taking pleasure in touching,rubbing and groping this always overdressed stupid stuck up woman, but i find it hard to stop myself. I can't resist touching,rubbing and groping her. I'm a fool who can't control myself. I'm just so upset with myself. I have the greatest trouble thinking rationally when i am around this woman. Every time i see her walking around with her big massive breasts & butt cheeks swaying all over the place i lose control. I gravitate toward this woman like fruit fly on a banana. Still I feel like a monster for something that I can't stop doing. ( I can't keep my hands off of her). I don’t know what to do. It is all my fault. I want to stop this. But i just can't. She is so radiant and tall and big and soft.And this woman is physically stronger than me . She is 5ft10 tall well built well endowed and curvy.I am masculine but i am 5ft3 tall and skinny.She is always on high heels i am always in flat shoes.Standing next to me she looks like a giant.I am physically completely harmless. She dresses in mainly form fitting satin and silk fashionable clothing. She is always on high heels and full make up on. Often when my hands are rubbing her through her satin and silk clothes i get groinal responses..I'm worried that I'm taking advantage of this woman. I didn't think much of it at first. She is objectively very attractive, much hotter than any woman I've ever slept with. And I feel so guilty. I am aroused by rubbing her. I hate that i have grown accustomed to it. What is wrong with me? I am too sexually attracted to her. I just can't help myself because this is the way that I am, this is how my body react to her and her shiny clothes.She is extremely fashionable, elegant, glamorous, and classy. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty but i just can't stop touching this woman. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some.


Usually i walk up to this woman seemingly perplexed, and touch her breasts or butt the same way someone might pat a pregnant lady's belly.Usually she is too shocked to say anything about it right then and there. And I guess that is my power over her - the stealthy and quick assault. This woman my "victim" is physically stronger than me. I am just a skinny, short, tiny, 53 old woman.Standing next to her i look like a midget. With this touchable always dressed in silk and satin woman is about lust, not love. It is pure physical attraction, not emotional. I am touching her, rubbing her and groping her for my sexual pleasure. I feel like I am abusing this woman by using her in this way. ."

I've posted it on here in the hope someone can understand me instead of just judging me. Please don’t be grossed out. I feel so guilty. I know this sounds strange and maybe even a bit sick to some. I am ugly. I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror. .I am not tough and strong. I am short and skinny. I am not intimidating.I am physically completely harmless. I feel so much guilt over this. What do you think I should do about it? This is really hard for me. I feel this overwhelming urge to touch and grope this overdressed stuck up stupid woman and it is for sexual gratification. This has been going on for over three years now. The most distressing is the fear that I am or will become a sexual predator. I spend lots of time every day ruminating over why I cannot be a pervert sexual predator, and why I could be. At times I'm convinced I'm a monster. I guess the point of writing this is to see if anyone can relate and set me at ease -- even for a little while! What's happening to me?

I don't understand it. I feel the overwhelming sensation of guilt all the time. I am sick of this. Im confused and my mind doesnt stop. I really worry that Im going to lose myself completely! I don't want to waste anyones time but I had to get some of this out of my head. What is wrong with me?