Misunderstood Insecurities

Reply Thu 20 Dec, 2018 07:28 pm
Hi all,
Wondering if someone can comment or maybe help me understand something I'm going through. I'm in a relationship over the past year and a half with my.best friend who I've known for over 20 years. We've been best friends since childhood always there for each other. In hindsight I know we've always loved each other however the timing hasn't aligned for us in the past. I've married a different man I've chosen over him and have had two children with him and my bf married another woman and had a child with her. I guess the issue may be the way the relationship started, we were out and partying and ended up finally hooking up after all these years. At this time he was still married but very unhappy and I was already divorced for many years. A few months later he's left his wife and we've been in a secret relationship since. I've known him my whole life so I know he has never cheated on anyone before and he has only cheated on his wife with me. We've been keeping quiet from everyone waiting for everything to be finalized on his divorce and only a few of our closest friends know.
Everything is wonderful and nothing beats dating your best friend. My issue with this is my attachment to him. It seems like I am obsessed with him and constantly want to be with him. I've never been needy in any of my other relationships but in this one I constantly want to spend time with him. Anytime he ends up being busy , I am insanely disappointed even though I logically understand that he spends as much time me as is physically possible. After thinking about this, I've come to the conclusion that this must come from some insecurities or trauma with the way our realtionship started. The thing I can't wrap my head around is : I've known this man for 20 years , he's been there for me thru everything I've ever gone thru. He's the love of my life and if I trust anyone in this world it's him. So why am I so insecure then ? I can't understand why everytime we spend a day apart I automatically start thinking scary thoughts. He's my best friend and I'm his , I know he'd never hurt me..
Any tips ? Or comments ?
I know people will likely tell me to get a hobby and I know this isn't healthy but what I don't understand is why I'm so attached/insecure.
Reply Thu 20 Dec, 2018 07:54 pm
You're so attached because you see him as your last, best hope.

Note: I am not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV.

But seriously, you may be seeing him as your last and best shot at happiness, and may see anything/anyone after him to be someone who could never possibly measure up.

So! Talk to the guy. And tell him you want to go public because this is eating you up inside. And quit with the bullshit about waiting for his divorce to be final. He is separated from his wife, presumably (hopefully) in the midst of getting a divorce. His wife has got to know you (or at least someone like you) exist. And his kid most likely does, too.

If you are keeping things on the down low in order to spare their feelings, don't. They will be fine, and it will be far worse if his wife or child thinks there's some chance at reconciling when it turns out - surprise! - that's already dead in the water.

And if you are keeping mum because he'll somehow get a better divorce settlement or custody or whatever, talk to a lawyer and find out if it'll make any difference. In a lot of the US, no-fault divorces are the rule, not the exception, so it shouldn't matter. And, I might add, divorce is a far faster process than it has ever been. If this is dragging on for months and months, then something's amiss.
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Reply Mon 24 Dec, 2018 10:41 am
He's going thru a lot more than you are: divorce, setting up his own home, facing family, friends, etc. (You didn't mention if there were children involved)

So give him some time and space..

Why being quiet about this might not be such a bad idea: He may be trying to protect you from being blamed for his divorce. Plus, the holidays are very emotionally trying.

Try to not overwhelm him, or you will suffocate the relationship.

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Reply Wed 26 Dec, 2018 03:44 am
Well, both could be right. Basically they are saying that your insecurities are related to the secretiveness of your relationship.

Any relationship is about the two people involved (ie. you as well, not just him), no matter how much baggage one party is carrying. Put another way - care and concern must still go both ways, even if one is carrying more baggage than the other (ie. he can't claim is must only be about his difficult situation - because it's about both of your situations). Anyone who thinks otherwise, is kidding themselves.
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