Wed 12 Dec, 2018 05:22 pm
I am having an affair with a woman and am in need of some advice/guidance. This is quite long as I am trying to be thorough. I am looking for some non-judgement advice.
I am 34, married (semi-happily for 11 years), with 3 kids. I am not physically attracted to my wife despite years of effort to be. My wife and I communicate fairly well, get along well, and are a fairly good team. She is a good wife and mother and I do not plan to leave her. I do love my wife, but for the last 4-5 years I have not been attracted to her since she has gained weight and become increasingly ornery.
I am a somewhat emotionally needy person in the sense that I like to be shown love, told that I am loved and appreciated, and be validated. Not all the time, but definitely when I express love or when sharing my feelings I like to be validated.
I had a brief affair (about 3 years ago) with the cousin of the woman I am currently having an affair with. My current affair knows this and I believe it is a big part of the reason she pursued an affair with me.
I have developed love for her, I care about her, I want to make her happy, I do nice things for her, I try to think of ways to surprise her and show her my love.
She is 30, married with 2 kids and has no intention of leaving her husband. She has told me that she basically settled when she married her husband. She had one young child out of wedlock and was looking for a husband that would be reliable and a good father. She says that she loves her husband and that they are "good friends".
She is from Mexico (which I assume comes with some cultural differences that I do not understand). I am physically attracted to her and for the most part I feel loved and validated by her. She is fun to be with and is very willing to have a physical relationship (but no sex, which we both agreed on and I first suggested).
She tells me that she loves me - via text messages, calls and in-person. She does not verbally express appreciation for my acts of kindness and love, but she does seem to express her love physically (snuggling with me, kissing me, giving me hand jobs).
In-person she is not at all expressive of her emotions/feelings and is often very hard to read.
We met at work. I am an engineer and she was helping with one of the projects I was managing. We started text messaging and then meeting about 3 months ago. We had worked together for about 6 months prior to first beginning a relationship. Twice in during the first month I tried to end things with her because I was not certain if I wanted another affair. Both times she did not want to stop and was pursued me with extra vigor.
Thus far the affair has consisted of:
Texting at work and at home.
Talking at work (although minimally to avoid detection).
Meeting after work in the back of my car 1-2 times per week for 1-2 hours each time to talk, hug, kiss, and finger/hand job.
I have tried a couple times to plan an actual date (movie, lunch, fun activity), but both times she had something come up and was not able to go.
In some ways she seems to be very confident:
While working, talking to friends, and while texting me.
In other ways she seems very shy:
She usually hides her mouth with her hand while talking to me because she does not like her smile.
I always have to initiate a kiss, although she always snuggles right up to me when we are sitting alone together.
She seems to be very self-conscious about her breasts, she will not let me touch them. When asked, she said that she does not like them because they are small.
After we get physical in my car and have both had an orgasm, she opens up and seems to be somewhat less self-conscious of her smile, but still is hesitant when I look at her face.
Today she is leaving for a month long vacation with her kids and parents to her home town in Mexico (she has her own home there across the street from her parents). Her husband left a few days ago to his home town in Mexico (about an hour from her town). This is something they do every year. She asked me to come with her or at least visit for a week (somewhat jokingly, but there was some real desire there too). We also talked about taking a trip together early next year (this was her idea). She told me that she usually doesn’t visit her husband during her vacation. She also told me that one year he told her that another woman in his town was pursuing him and she alluded to thinking that they may have gotten together.
A few things happened last week that I worry may have hurt/weakened our relationship and seem to have made her more distant, although it may just be that she has a lot on her mind and has been very busy/stressed getting ready for her long vacation.
Last week I began to feel a little scared and somewhat abandoned because she would be leaving soon. I knew that I would miss her (emotionally and physically).
Last Wednesday morning there was some misunderstanding on my part regarding some texts that I had sent her and did not get a response to (she sent me several messages, but I did not receive them). This added to my feelings of abandonment. I expressed to her that I was upset, we mostly worked it out, and planned to meet the next day so that we could talk more about my feelings. I told her that I really needed to talk to her about my feelings.
A few hours before we were to meet on Thursday, she cancelled because her husband needed her to come home right after work to help him pack. I was very hurt, but I did understand. I asked (almost pleaded) with her to meet with me Friday or Saturday so that we could talk. She said “maybe” and that I could see her Monday or Tuesday next week (this week) for sure. I felt heart broken and was filled with a mix of emotions that I did not know how to deal with. Late Thursday night, I ended up dumping my feelings on her via text message in an unhealthy and slightly mean manner. I knew That I had hurt and offended her when she finally responded to my texts. She did not meet with me Friday or Saturday and was very distant (short answers to my texts, long delays before responding). She said that she was good, but I know she was upset with me. Over the weekend I spent almost every waking minute sorting through my feelings so that I could understand exactly how I was feeling and why.
Monday at work I was able to meet alone with her in a private room, share with her a lengthy apology and my feelings. I asked her to forgive me and she said yes. I also promised to make several changes to my thinking and behavior. I gave her a gift that I had made last week for her to take on her trip. She seemed touched (as much as she ever does outwardly). After a little pressure from me, she agreed to meet me after work for 30 minutes; no longer because her babysitter needed to leave early. When we did meet it was different, she was less affectionate and seemed not to want to get too into our typical physical activities (although she did, but I could tell she wasn’t really into it). When I look back on it, she was definitely in a hurry to get home and was likely preoccupied with preparations for her trip. I felt bad, like I had used her, and apologized to her over the phone while she was driving home.
Tuesday we seemed to connect well (almost like nothing had happened, in a good way), but she still was communicating less and not as affectionately. Normally she always says “I love you” after I say it to her, but has only done so a few times this week. She has not once said “I love you” before I say it to her, she used to say it at about once per day.
Since Monday, I have done my best to be supportive of her leaving. I tell her to have fun, to not worry about me, to try to forget about me, to not worry about texting/calling me unless she can, and that I would try to text her less so that I would not make her miss me.
In the gift I gave her before she left, I included reasons that I love her - one for each day she is gone - and told her that she should open one each day.
1. How can I develop greater trust for her?
2. How committed do you think she is to me and our affair?
3. It bothers me when she does not respond to questions I ask via text (usually little questions like “how is your headache?”). This happens a maybe once for every 10 questions (or once per day). Is this normal? Should I tell her?
4. I know that I shouldn’t be jealous or worry that she may have a brief affair with another man in Mexico, but I am a little; any advice for controlling/decreasing my jealously?
5. Part of me wants to know if I am the first person she has had an affair with since marrying her husband; should I try to find out? If so, how?
6. Do you think our relationship has been hurt/weakened by my actions last week?
7. What do you make of her decreased communication and affection these last few days? Is she just preoccupied with the trip? Still recovering from my outburst last week?
8. How can I best show her my love and support while she is gone? I do not want to seem jealous/needy nor do I want to take away from the fun she will be having (and that I want her to have).
9. How often should I text her while she is away (normally we text throughout the day)?
10. What can I do, if anything, to repair our relationship while she is away?
11. Were the reasons-love-her-notes a bad idea?
12. Am I too attached to her? Do I need to back off a little?
13. I have a feeling that she may be intentionally pulling away a little to make it easier for her to be away from me during her trip; what do you think?
14. I would like her to be more expressive of her appreciation for the things I do for her or at least understand how she expresses that appreciation; how should I approach her about this?
15. How can I best respect her commitment to her family and their needs while still feeling that my needs are met?
16. Should I be concerned about her lack of self-confidence regarding certain things and my inability to “read” her? What can I do to help myself and her in this regard?
17. Overall, what is your take on this affair?
18. Any other advice?
its very critical and complax.
Boy - you have an engineer ‘s mind about this, dont you?
You are trying to make this relationship into a ”project.” You like the chase and welcome the challenges ( petting only and don’t touch her breasts.) A true engineering challenge!
Well, guess what? You can’t.
This is an affair, a tryst, a romp in the back of the car. Period.
Neither of you plans to leave your spouses, so it’s not going to get any better than what it is. So forget the list of questions and problem solving approaches. It is what it is.
Now ... about your wife. What have you done to find out about the reason for her “orneriness “? And how severe is her weight gain? When was her last physical?
Perhaps if you worked on bettering a relationship with this “good wife and mother” you might be getting more than hand jobs in the car and a woman who covers her mouth when speaking to you.
I agree, I am.
Can you elaborate on me being critical?
Very good advice. Thank you.
1. How can I develop greater trust for HER? BE HONEST WITH HER
2. How committed do you think she is to me and our AFFAIR? TYPICAL
3. It bothers me when she does not respond to questions I ask via text (usually little questions like “how is your headache?”). This happens a maybe once for every 10 questions (or once per day). Is this normal? Should I tell HER? LESS TEXT TO HID FROM HUSBAND, ELECTRONIC TRACKS ARE EVIDENCE OF INFIDELITY
4. I know that I shouldn’t be jealous or worry that she may have a brief affair with another man in Mexico, but I am a little; any advice for controlling/decreasing my JEALOUSY. YOU KNOWN SHE IS A CHEATER SO ACCEPT THAT
5. Part of me wants to know if I am the first person she has had an affair with since marrying her husband; should I try to find out? If so, HOW? WHY DO YOU CARE?
6. Do you think our relationship has been hurt/weakened by my actions last week?WEAKENED OR NO IMPACT
7. What do you make of her decreased communication and affection these last few days? Is she just preoccupied with the trip? Still recovering from my outburst last week?BUSY WITH TRIP PLANS
8. How can I best show her my love and support while she is gone? I do not want to seem jealous/needy nor do I want to take away from the fun she will be having (and that I want her to have).LEAVE HER ALONE
9. How often should I text her while she is away (normally we text throughout the day)?ZERO AS WILL UPSET HER
10. What can I do, if anything, to repair our relationship while she is away?NOTHING AT ALL IS BEST
11. Were the reasons-love-her-notes a bad idea?YES TOO LOVING
12. Am I too attached to her? Do I need to back off a LITTLE STOP PINNING HER DOWN
13. I have a feeling that she may be intentionally pulling away a little to make it easier for her to be away from me during her trip; what do you think?ABSOLUTELY TRUE SHE FOCUSED ON TRIP
14. I would like her to be more expressive of her appreciation for the things I do for her or at least understand how she expresses that appreciation; how should I approach her about this?THAT WILL SCARE HER AWAY
15. How can I best respect her commitment to her family and their needs while still feeling that my needs are met?ASK HER ABOUT FAMILY
16. Should I be concerned about her lack of self-confidence regarding certain things and my inability to “read” her? What can I do to help myself and her in this regard?HER HUSBAND SHOULD BE NOT YOUR TERRITORY
17. Overall, what is your take on this affair?UNCOMPATIABLE WITH NO COITUS
18. Any other advice?FIND A BIMBO THAT WILL GIVE YOU SEX IN ALL WAYS YOU DESIRE
To add to what the ladies have said, you're not covering up this affair as well as you think you are.
It's an AFFAIR. Enjoy the hand jobs or drop her. You are trying to turn a feel good affair into a relationship that will never happen.