Thu 25 Oct, 2018 09:42 pm
Hi, I’ve been married 10yrs with no kids (undergone various IVF trials with 2 miscarriages; male-factor infertility, low sperm count) my husband has micro-cheated a few times with no “physical” interaction that I know of. I forgave him and moved on. The last straw was a few months ago when he lied about receiving pics (sexting) with a 3 coworkers.
Right before I found out, I had a platonic interaction with someone in which our two groups of friends hung out and talked for hours (Bach party in Vegas). He knew I was married and did not press, but did say he had a crush before we all parted ways.... he was very respectful. Numbers were exchanged so we all could meet later that day, we continued speaking (as friends).
I mentioned my husband’s lies to him one day and it went down hill from there. We definitely had a physical attraction and tons of things in common and 90% of the time we’re having regular, fun conversations. He lives on the opposite coast so we never physically saw each other, but there were pics/videos sent. My husband found out and wanted a divorce. Then days later wanted to remain together.
I started Indiv counseling & realized my hurt and resentment came from years of bullying by my in laws, him not standing up for me, and me going through IVF because of him, him taking me for granted, his cheating and lies etc. also that I had not set clear boundaries and allowed him to take advantage of me.
I spent a weekend by myself which I decided I wanted a divorce. I had undergone emotional abuse for the entire duration of my marriage! I talked to my AP everyday and spoke about actually seeing each other after my divorce. He remained very supportive for my happiness and self control, never pressuring me to do anything.
I spoke with my husband and told him about my decision to divorce. He made valid points as to why we shouldn’t (we’re Christians, he will change etc) so I decided to give him an opportunity to demonstrate change. I told my AP and he said it was the right thing to do and that he understood. He then blocked me on Social media (which HURT!). I understand he’s setting boundaries for himself, but I miss him and my days are silent without the laughter and joy I had from him for those few short months.
What the hell do I do?!! Stay with my husband, who I’ve built a home and life with and says he loves me. Or be single and explore the option of my AP?
I think you should give your husband one final chance. If everything works out fine then you two can stay together again and enjoy your life. Otherwise, you can go to if it doesn't work out.
I decided to give him an opportunity to demonstrate change.
so give him the opportunity to change. That necessarily means that you have to be a part of the equation and you cannot be if you were to continue talking/flirting or whatever with this other guy.
The other guy did you a favor by blocking you. He knows you cannot work on the relationship with your husband if you are working on a just in case relationship with him. So take the time to do so. If things don't work out with hubby, then you will be free to pursue whoever, including him if he is interested.
Change does not happen in a vacuum. Be a part of your husband's attempts; don't just sit back and wait for him to do it all.
Thank you for your reply. We’re only a few days in so things are still rocky. I’m actively trying to occupy my time in other ways and be a part of the equation without sacrificing myself (which is where I went wrong in the past). I’m working on a healthy balance to work it out. Again, I appreciate your insight.
I don't know why you would give him another chance, You already have, and nothing changed. Emotional abuse never goes away.
After 10 years you should give him another chance.
Just move on mam, I think you are doing extra efforts to restore your relation. That hearts you
This hurts my heart. You will get through this.