@hightor,
You have a good memory.
This is what I will say about the Abuzz post: When I made it, I truly believed that my days were numbered, not because of a physical condition, but because of a mental one. I have struggled with and been treated for depression and anxiety for about 35 years. For most of this time I have had the disorders under control, but twice now (Once around the time of the Abuzz post and again about six years ago, I learned the very hard way that anti-depressants have a nasty habit of becoming ineffective over time and that once the slide back begins it can move very rapidly. At the time of that post my meds had ceased being effective, and I was under crushing stress. I weathered the first crisis without incident, but came too damned close to not doing the same with the second one. I was very, very lucky.
I think I posted the comment on Abuzz as a sort of wakeup call to ME, a means to impress upon myself that I was seriously considering a very foolish and final act, and to be honest, I was probably also feeling sorry for myself.
For obvious reasons, my mental illness is not something I have ever raised in this forum. While I know I should not be ashamed of my condition, just typing
"my mental illness" puts a knot in my stomach, in a way typing "my cancer," or "my heart disease" never would. In the final analysis, I much prefer to suffer from a disorder that with continued vigilence can be kept in check over coming down with a terminal disease, but for someone of my generation and with my personality admitting to these conditions is admitting to a terrible weakness, not of the body, but of the
mind.
Around the time of the Abuzz demise I had the opportunity to communicate privately with one my fellow Abuzzers who you probably would remember, if I could recall her name. (I recall that she told me that was also corresponding with another Abuzzer and if memory serves, it was you and so you will probably know who she is) I feel terrible that I can't recall her name, but I felt even more terrible when I learned that she was dying from a terminal illness, that she recalled the post to which you referred, and was angry with me over it. When she learned that I was not terminally ill too, she assumed, I think, that I had to have been trawling for sympathy. I honestly can't remember if I shared with her what I have shared here, but I suspect I did not because of pride. I can't imagine how I might have tried to explain it without revealing the truth, but it must have been pathetic. She was a very sweet woman whose regard I did not casually dismiss, but I believe I allowed her to think the actual worst rather than admitting to something that was no where near as bad, or bad at all.
Not exactly sure why I am sharing this now. There have been several times when replying on a thread started by someone with a mental illness or suicidal thoughts, that I have wanted to tell them that I had a very good idea of where they were coming from because I've been there and still remain in the vicinity. If I hit the "Reply" button (And I'm still not sure I will), I will be able to do so in the future.
I've written before that most of the serious posts I make are written for an audience of one: Me. That is primarily the case here.
I was being sarcastic with blatham (which is something other than
joking - just ask Ron Rosenstein) and, because of the Abuzz experience, as soon as I saw someone misunderstood, I immediately explained to them that I was fine, that I was being sarcastic and that I very much appeciated their concern and good wishes. The thread is out there somewhere for anyone who wishes to verify what I've claimed or would like to stick some
evidence up my nose.
I was not trawling for attention on Abuzz, but while you seem to accept the reason for my remark to blatham, you might not have a reason to accept the this without this revelation and I don't want to repeat the mistake I believe I made with our friend on Abuzz. I suppose you still might not accept my explanation or there may be one or more people who believe I am not being truthful here, but I truly don't care.
