Marriage/Affair - Do it or not?

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Greetings,
This is my first post here. Seems like a good place to discuss what is on my mind. I’m a male in my late 30’s. I’ve been married over a decade. We have children.

We have a good life. Both of us are gainfully employed. Our dating life was amazing. I understand that life changes as one grows. Kids, a career and other commitments. We both are active in various causes and go to church weekly.

As one would expect, our sex life has dwindled. Her drive is quite low. Some medicine she is on, other various medical problems and just not really caring about sex is the culprit. She would rather sleep at night after the kids are in bed. I get it. She’s tired. Her job and our kids take a lot out of her. I try to help. I could always do more. I’m sure any husband could.

We’ve had the sex talk time and time again. It comes down to me just wanting it more than her. I know and respect it. It’s not that she isn’t attracted to me and has fallen out of love with me. It’s jusy a difference in priority.

Knowing that, I’ve started thinking about finding someone who can satisfy my needs. I know my wife wouldn’t approve but I also know she won’t change. I know it’s wrong too. It’s against what I believe personally, but yet here I am considering it.

I’ve explored sites like Ashley Madison, Affair Club, etc. I tried to create a profile just to see. I was turned off by having to spend money. I don’t feel right spending our joint income on an affair that could hurt my relationship. Maybe that has given me pause on actually doing this? I’m not sure.

Plus I’m not exactly looking for a full fledged mistress. People will probably laugh at what I’m looking for, but it’s my preference. I’m looking for someone who is married like me in their early 30’s to mid 40’s that is still in love with their husband like I am with my wife. Someone who doesn’t want to change their life as I don’t mind. Someone who wants to be friends, meet quickly when our schedules allow, take care of each other and go our separate ways. I’m taking more like say HJ’s for example. That’s probably a turn off for women that want an affair. They probably want to have sex. I’m not at that point. I basically just want some intimacy with someone in the same situation where we can enjoy each other quickly that nobody expects anything. I don’t mind this person being a friend, but don’t want to create an emotional attachment that would cause either one of us to mess with our marriage outside of the quick bouts of intimacy I see this occurring. I realize an emotional attachment easily can happen even if ground rules are set.

I do understand that what I’m looking for is probably quite tough to find. I also am not experienced in finding someone. I don’t want to use one of those sites that cost money as already outlined. Plus trust is a huge issue. Before I’d even agree to meet someone, I’d want to talk to her via KIK, email, FaceTime, etc. I don’t need to risk meeting someone who will become attached or threaten to tel my wife and ruin my family. That’s why I’m even debating going farther than exploring this urge.

Seems like this board has good discussion. Maybe people who are in affairs or considered it can share their story with me. Did you or did you not go through with it? Why did you decide as you did? How did you find your affair partner? How did you deal with the guilt? Did the excitement over finding someone who wanted what you didn’t outweifnt the guilt? I’m interested to hear.

I’m nothing to write home about IMO. 5’8’ and a bit overweight, but maybe a woman in my situation would find me attractive. Who knows? It helps putting my thoughts on a board where I’m hopefully understood. I consider myself in that safe place where I haven’t acted on anything. I haven’t put myself out there. I feel like I can’t even safely find someone if I did. Do I deal with blue balls with my wife saying no 9/10 times or really dig into looking for someone who will respect my limits/feel the same way in which I probably won’t even be successful?

Thanks for reading and responding!

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Type: Question • Score: 4 • Views: 2,429 • Replies: 20

@joeyferman,

You say you do go to church weekly so I’m guessing you’ve heard of the 10 commandments. Specifically number 6.

Perpahs you are thinking of them as the 10 suggestions. Nope.

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@joeyferman,

joeyferman wrote:

She would rather sleep at night after the kids are in bed. I get it. She’s tired. Her job and our kids take a lot out of her. I try to help. I could always do more. I’m sure any husband could.

so here's the thing

help

you try to help

**** that bullshit

do the work required with the home and family and then say that you helped

cook all the meals, do all the laundry, do all the school/doctor things with the children, do the maintenance, take care of shopping and bills, do your job, go to church, just do it

tell your wife to focus on her job, herself and planning an occasional date with you

then you can talk about whatever you want

til then

**** the bullshit

__

take over the household and arrange counselling - as a couple and on your own

make sure your wife is getting the medical care she needs for herself
make sure your wife has time to go out with her friends
make sure you and your wife have time together - alone and awake - at least twice a week. Going for a walk alone on the weekend can count if you don't have evening time after you have done the housework
__
__

When I was a kid, I read a piece of advice about marriage/relationships. It said that there is no successful relationship where both people are not putting in 75%. That gives room for survival if there's an occasional glitch.

Put everything you have into making the family work - not just the marriage - the family. Put in everything. Then see if both of you have a different perspective on things.

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Right on.

If he were to do even half the things you mention, he wouldn’t have time for a mistress, or be thinking about it.

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I didn’t express myself correctly. It’s not that I try to help. I do help. I do my parts, but the person is correct. I should do more. I need to do more. I will focus on doing more. Maybe that does solve it.

As for the person with the ten commandments comment, don’t go there. In my original post, I said I know it’s wrong. I shouldn’t be thinking it, but I’m human. We all are. If you’re such a Bible expert, then go ahead and start tossing stones, buddy. You throw the first one at my glass house. Then we can look at your house and see what kind of stones I can throw. Unlike you, I admit I’m broken. I have these thoughts. At least I’m trying to discus them and ask for advice.

Solid advice from the person who commented with the advice to do more. I will work on that. Thank you.

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@joeyferman,

Being human doesn’t exempt from following the commandments of your religion. If it did, they would be called the “ 10 things that your god would really like you to do or not do, but hey since you’re a human don’t worry about it because, you know, it would be really cool to **** someone else when you’re married and what the hell, all the other stuff you’re not supposed to do or not do because you really can’t help thinking about it and if you’re thinking about it I don’t suppose you can help yourself from actually doing it”

So yeah, if you said somewhere that you know it’s wrong that pretty much should be all the incentive you need to not do it.

I know jack about the Bible but an 8 year old could tell you what I said. Not rocket science.

But you’re going to end up ******* someone else because hey, you want to. No one else here or elsewhere is responsible for that.

Don’t know why I’m supposed to tell you anything. I don’t want to **** anyone else. You do.

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@chai2,

Gee, it all just doesn’t seem as romantic and really kind of ok when I say it.

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@chai2,

Sure, what could go wrong??

And trust is a big issue................?

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@joeyferman,

So have the thoughts. Similar to life, they will pass.

Until then do your dangdest to actually help out at home, to make yourself a better person. It's up to you.

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@glitterbag,

glitterbag wrote:

Sure, what could go wrong??

And trust is a big issue................?

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn%3AANd9GcTj4dXUeqdKaqmE_vm5wh2ziRP13Qb8BqiF8qwo96PTOWK-CETY

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Don't HELP!

Your house, your kids, your wife, your marriage.

Do your share! Do more than your share! If your wife is unwell - do it all!

Try exerting yourself- you selfish little prat! Forget namby-pamby helping. Bloody do it! Do it yourself!

Your wife can't be bothered with you because you are such a selfish, lazy slob!

1 Reply

@margo,

Oh God, you are so right Margo.

Yeah, what does he mean “help” around the house? It’s his house too.

Heh, I have to admit, I’ve been guilty of that thinking that it’s the wife doing something, and the husband is helping.

Thanks Margo

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@joeyferman,

Putting aside what others have said (which I completely agree with).....what would happen if you had such an affair?

Even if it is not emotional you just broke any trust you had with your wife. If she finds out you have destroyed your family. If she doesn't you will be worried consistently that she will find out hurting your family.

You don't state that you love your wife ...assuming you do seeing you want to stay together...have you thought of the pain you will cause her by pursuing this? If you really care about your family the way you claim, do you really want to tear them apart? You have kids do you care about them and how this could impact their lives?

If having an occasional HJ is worth the risk of all that then I say go ahead and pursue it. I suggest then putting an ad in Craigslist describing exactly what you want ...use one of those disposable type phones to get calls, texts and have fun.

It is unlikely that it will turn out well though and it is a tad bit selfish of you to go ahead and try to have your cake and eat it too. Just think while you are out fooling around your wife us likely at home tucking the kids and then cleaning up the mess from dinner that you just had.

I think it better that maybe you seek out some counsel at church than to destroy something you say is so great.

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What do you have to lose? Everything. Your cute wife and kids and house. Your wife will not understand one bit if you get caught and if you don’t get caught your guilt will get you.
I was the mistress 2 times and not again.
First time I didn’t know for a while he was married after I found out he was I was hooked on him so we kept going
The second guy I knew he was married and he was hot but it was just one time thing

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May I ask your ages?

Back to your wife ...

Has she lost all desire for intimacy? ( note: I’m not talking about intercourse; I’m talking about petting and / other types of body touching or pleasuring) Would she accept a massage from you? When is the last time you touched her without expecting it to lead to sex?

What did you do when you were dating to “turn on” each other.

I understand the side reaction to medicines but there are also medical and recreational drugs that can help raise the libido in women. Will she talk to her OBGyn about that?

Someone once said that “Sleep to a woman is the sane as sex for a man” A woman who cares for the home and children AND works is tired. Lots of vacations or weekend getaways without kids can help.

I once heard Sex therapist Dr Ruth suggest to a caller who complained about a pestering husband that giving a HJ to a horny spouse “only takes a few minutes and shuts him up and saves the marriage.” Would your wife accept that kind of advice?

Go back and access the state of your marriage with a counselor and find out if this marrage is going to make it in the ling run. The kids will be gone in a few years. Then it’s going to be just you two.

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joeyferman hasn't returned. Was it something I said?

Perhaps the little **** has amped up his "helping"!

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@joeyferman,

First thing, you need to eliminate the conflicts in what you want. (I don't mean the religious conflict others mentioned).

You say you want 'intimacy' in this affair but you don't want emotional entanglement. That is an impossible combination, forget it.
If you just want to eliminate the physiological urge to orgasm, I'm sure you know the solution for that. Basically, you are not being fully honest with yourself about what you want.

With the combination of factors you mentioned in your OP, my suggestion would be to look into Polyamory.

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@joeyferman,

Yes why not, but trust should be mutual as well as the people should be serious about being together. It is troublesome to find a lover but at last we all want one because we are going to need someone to be with us. Friends, family, kids end up leaving after a certain period of time. So we all needs partners, so go ahead! give it your best shot

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Let's make a Biblical correction. The Commandment which in English is translated "Thou shalt not commit adultery" refers to a man having sex with a woman who is married to someone else.

For a married man to have sex with a single woman doesn't break the commandment. (Note that things have changed quite a bit in the thousands of years since the ten commandments were written.).

So having sex with a single woman while you are married is not breaking any commandment. That doesn't mean I think you should do it.

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Marriage/Affair - Do it or not?

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