Having sex when I don't want to

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Been having this issue recently with my husband. just ask fyi newly married. A while back I performed a sexual act that, let's say i didn't have the taste for, but i wasn't really in to it but he gave me speech "can't complain unless you try it'(paraphrasing, of course)So I did it, still no surprise there... It still wasnt really my thing. Didn't turn me on, didn't do much for me. But now he is telling me that I don't desire him because I won't do it, or i love him less because I wont make him happy. He says he feels disgusting because I didn't like it. I love him completely and desire him a great deal, and I have decided that if it's what I have to do to prove my love and desire so be it. But part of me just feels i shouldn't force myself to do something, especially sexually, that I don't want to do. But he is right and if I desire him and love him 100% i should do anything he wants me to regardless of how I feel about it. I guess what I asking for here is someone to tell me that my love and desire does depend on proving it any way he wants me too, regardless on whether I like it or not. I just want someone to help me bury my doubt and say is not about what i want anymore. And just prove yourself to him. If you truly love him and desire him it's what i have to do to prove it.

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@Jcjorgensen03,

That's akin to emotional blackmail. You shouldn't have to prove your love to him by doing something he likes, yet knows you don't really like. If he truly loves you, he should acquiesce to your feelings about this act, as it is something you don't like to do.

By nagging you to keep on doing it as proof that you love him, well, for me that just shows that he places his own wishes above yours. So how does this proof his love for you? Sex should be fun for both parties, not just for one.

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@Jcjorgensen03,

Quote:

I have decided that if it's what I have to do to prove my love and desire so be it.

This is bullcrap. You don't have to do anything to "prove" your love to anybody. If he decides tomorrow that he'd like you to screw a few of his friends in order to prove your love for him, would you do it?

As far as the act itself, you should never do anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you do not enjoy. You get props for trying something once that he wanted to do. After all, unless you try something, you really don't know for sure if you would enjoy it or not. But that does not mean you have to continue to do something you do not enjoy or want to do.

I think the two of you need to sit down are really talk about this. Maybe even with a professional counselor. But as suggested in the first response here, he is emotionally blackmailing you. And that ain't love.

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@Jcjorgensen03,

Jcjorgensen03 wrote:

.... I have decided that if it's what I have to do to prove my love and desire so be it.

That's a load of horse **** and, deep down, you know it.

Jcjorgensen03 wrote:

But part of me just feels i shouldn't force myself to do something, especially sexually, that I don't want to do.

Exactly. In a marital partnership, one person does not call all of the shots.

Jcjorgensen03 wrote:

But he is right and if I desire him and love him 100% i should do anything he wants me to regardless of how I feel about it.

What a load of nonsense. Did you know there's such a thing as marital rape? And it's actually illegal.

But beyond that, you are adults and he is acting like a whiny, spoiled child. He's pouting unless he gets his way. I do hope you don't have any other children.

Jcjorgensen03 wrote:

I guess what I asking for here is someone to tell me that my love and desire does depend on proving it any way he wants me too, regardless on whether I like it or not. I just want someone to help me bury my doubt and say is not about what i want anymore. And just prove yourself to him. If you truly love him and desire him it's what i have to do to prove it.

Nope. I will not be the one to justify this crap.

Of course it's about what you want. It's about what you both want. And let's say it's anal and you didn't like it but he's so hepped up for it that he wants it 24/7. Well, I got news for him. If your partner doesn't like it, then repeating that action will not magically turn it fun. Instead, it will turn it into a chore.

He has to decide whether he wants to potentially wreck your marriage over this. He's certainly not treating your feelings or preferences with any respect.

What else does he demand you do whether you want to or not? How else does he make you justify your love for him? If my husband was continually taking the temperature of my devotion to him, it would erode our relationship. Either he trusts you love him or he doesn't, and he shouldn't feel he needs a token of your love every day or week or whatever. You are married. That means he's already got his proof of your devotion to him.

His insecurity has the potential to drive you away if you wake up (and you should) and realize marriage isn't all and only about what he wants. He needs to decide if that is the metaphorical hill he wants to die on.

Oh, and one more thing. This is not how Master/slave relationships work, either, if that's the underlying motivation behind this. People in kink respect each other's boundaries. It's how they keep from permanently injuring each other.

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The comments already posted say it all. If it offends him, so what. He doesn't mind offending you.

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@Jcjorgensen03,

In 1957 oral sex still viewed as perversion and no such thing as genital herpes. No mystery for that one.

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@Jcjorgensen03,

If you and your spouse are sexually incompatible, why you didn't figure this out before you got married?

If you and your spouse don't satisfy each other sexually, the logical answer is divorce. Obviously you can't force your spouse to do anything sexually, but it isn't reasonable for him to insist on a monogamous relationship if he isn't willing to make the effort to please you sexually. (You might note I switch the perspective to help people see this from the other side).

Dan Savage talks about healthy sexual relationships being GGG (good, giving and game) meaning that each partner should work to please the other. If there is something my girlfriend really wants, I am into it because it will make her happy. And, likewise she does the the things that I like. Obviously there are limits to this, and if there is something that she wants that I can't give her... either we work it out or the relationship ends.

American culture has a strong view of monogamy; you are supposed to get all of your sexual fulfillment from one single person. If this person is not giving sexually, then you have a problem.

If you value your relationship, you should work this out. I am not saying that you have to do whatever he wants, but in a healthy relationship you do have to understand and accept his feelings and to put in the effort to work it out respectfully.

If you are not making each other happy, the alternative is divorce.

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@Jcjorgensen03,

Jcjorgensen03 wrote:

t he is right and if I desire him and love him 100% i should do anything he wants me to regardless of how I feel about it.

do you have the ability to draw any kind of line here? if he asks you to murder your parents, do you do it to prove your love for him? do you try to poison the neighbours because it might not be so bad?
__

Quote:

But now he is telling me that I don't desire him because I won't do it, or i love him less because I wont make him happy.

all of that is bullshit

___

did you have sense he thought like this before you married him?

1 Reply

@CoastalRat,

CoastalRat wrote:

I think the two of you need to sit down are really talk about this. Maybe even with a professional counselor. But as suggested in the first response here, he is emotionally blackmailing you. And that ain't love.

this

you guys need to work on this

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@ehBeth,

Quote:

Quote:
But now he is telling me that I don't desire him because I won't do it, or i love him less because I wont make him happy.

all of that is bullshit

I suspect that if the genders were reversed... and this was a woman who wasn't being sexually satisfied by her husband... that this wouldn't seem like bullshit to most of the posters here.

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I am curious about whether the sexual act in question is oral sex or anal sex (or something different). The poster doesn't say. To me it matters. Oral sex is pretty standard in American sexual behavior. Anal sex, I think, it still considered out of the ordinary for most heterosexual relationships (although it is practiced.)

There are a number of people who say that oral sex is the best way for them to reach orgasm. It would certainly be unfair for their partner to refuse this in a monogamous relationship. Being in a lifetime monogamous relationship where something you desire is off the table would be hell.

I would not be interested in a sexual relationship that did not include both giving and receiving oral sex. I would certainly not be happy in a marriage that had this restriction. This would not be fulfilling to me. But, that's just me.

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This is silly.

The OP knew what response she would get with her "question" and she got it...except for Max

Couples in love work these things out. He's not (it would appear) forcing the act on her.

If she said that she found intercourse unpleasant would you all respond in the same way?

There is absolutely nothing perverse about oral sex.

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@Finn dAbuzz,

After feminism, people seem to believe...

- Women have the right to sexual satisfaction and should insist that their partner care about their needs.
- Men should gratefully accept whatever their partner wants to give them.

I don't see how this is equality. But it doesn't really matter. My opinion is that a sexual relationship should meet both partners needs. If you are willing to meet your partner's sexual needs, then what's the point?

Once spouses start fighting over who is right instead of trying to meet each others needs... there isn't much left except to draw up divorce papers.

I am still curious about how this marriage ever happened. If you aren't sexually compatible, then why tie the knot?

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@Jcjorgensen03,

He is absolutely correct. Marriage is about give and take. You are correct in submitting to his desires wheather self fulfillment or not. Of course you have same right to expect him to perform things you deserve. Otherwise get a divorce and find someone compatible. Don't be narcissistic in life

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

After feminism, people seem to believe...

- Women have the right to sexual satisfaction and should insist that their partner care about their needs.
- Men should gratefully accept whatever their partner wants to give them.

I don't see how this is equality. But it doesn't really matter. My opinion is that a sexual relationship should meet both partners needs. If you are willing to meet your partner's sexual needs, then what's the point?

Once spouses start fighting over who is right instead of trying to meet each others needs... there isn't much left except to draw up divorce papers.

I am still curious about how this marriage ever happened. If you aren't sexually compatible, then why tie the knot?

I think you're mixing several different concepts and lumping it all into "feminism."

In taking your first point, why shouldn't women insist on the person they marry care about their sexual needs? Who would expect otherwise?

Second, no one ever said men have to be grateful for sex. They have to respect their partner. And if that's a problem, well, that's a problem.

OP tried something her husband wanted to do, found out she doesn't like it and doesn't want to do it again. You're acting like she's refusing any and all sex and that's simply not true.

Yes, a partnership should entail meeting each other's needs. But there are limits. We don't know what limit was pushed but you're bound and determined to say she's obligated into doing a sexual act beyond her comfort zone. She has not said sex is off limits, she said that particular act is.

And I think that's a reasonable request. It's not a fact of right or wrong, it's caring enough about your partner to not dismiss their right to control their own body.

That's not feminism, that's respect.

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@maxdancona,

maxdancona wrote:

I suspect that if the genders were reversed... and this was a woman who wasn't being sexually satisfied by her husband... that this wouldn't seem like bullshit to most of the posters here.

Don't second guess me at least, max. Suffice it to say that in my case, if a guy said he had to do stuff he wasn't comfortable with to please his wife (what springs to mind is for instance a threesome, two men one woman), I would tell him just the same. Don't turn this into a discussion that isn't relevant to the OP. Also, don't make this a gender issue!

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@Finn dAbuzz,

Finn dAbuzz wrote:

This is silly.

The OP knew what response she would get with her "question" and she got it...except for Max

Couples in love work these things out. He's not (it would appear) forcing the act on her.

If she said that she found intercourse unpleasant would you all respond in the same way?

There is absolutely nothing perverse about oral sex.

Well, perhaps. But then again, pretty much everything started on this forum, be it political, religious, philosophical, or issues such as these, pretty much get a standard set of responses from people, based on the content of the post.

I don't really think people want answers for these kind of questions: I think they want confirmation for their own opinions in regards of these questions, a sort of mental support, the idea that they are 'not alone in feeling this'.
That doesn't seem silly to me, it seems valid. It makes HAVING the discussion with the spouse easier, I think.

If the OP had posted something different, I would have tailored my response to that. No intercourse would have probably garnered a different response, yes, but not completely so. After all, they are married: if he knew his wife was 'frigid', he shouldn't have married her, right?

And oral se has never been explicitly mentioned by the OP. It might have been applied by the wording, but it's not explicitly mentioned. So this is an assumption on your behalf.

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@najmelliw,

najmelliw wrote:

Finn dAbuzz wrote:

This is silly.

The OP knew what response she would get with her "question" and she got it...except for Max

Couples in love work these things out. He's not (it would appear) forcing the act on her.

If she said that she found intercourse unpleasant would you all respond in the same way?

There is absolutely nothing perverse about oral sex.

And oral se has never been explicitly mentioned by the OP. It might have been applied by the wording, but it's not explicitly mentioned. So this is an assumption on your behalf.

Quote:

let's say i didn't have the taste for

I stand by my assumption.

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Euclid taught me that an assumption is a lickspittle for proof. Brouhaha!

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@Tryagain,

Tryagain wrote:

Euclid taught me that an assumption is a lickspittle for proof. Brouhaha!

This is silly. I don't see why it matters whether the act in question is oral sex or something more... shall we say... interesting.

If sexual partners arent willing to meet each other's needs it is time to end the reñationship.

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Having sex when I don't want to

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