Living a double life. Desparate for advice!

Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 04:25 pm
My husband, Robert* and I have been married for 3 years, together total for 7 years. For the past 3 months, we haven't had sex, nor been very intimate with each other hardly at all. My husband has never been the intimate type, like cuddling on the couch, caressing, tucking back my hair randomly, holding my hands when we go places, cuddling in general.. These past several months, I've began to feel very lonely. I've tried several times, for years, to have "the talk" with him regarding this issue but he still has not given me any attention. He has not changed. He also has an addiction to pornography, where he's confessed that "using his hand is just easier" than making love to me. I'm just over the issue. But I still love him. I've been with him for 7 years! I feel like I've tried to make it work for 7 years.
But then I met Kam*. We met at a bar, where I was with a bachelorette party and he was with a bachelor party-what a coincidence. The moment I met him, I instantly felt something-something I've never felt first hand with anyone in my entire life. I've grown to be very attached to him. Getting to know him, I've put myself in a situation where I was afraid to tell him that I was actually married. So intead, I told him that "I'm going through a divorce". We've been seeing each other for a month now, dinner dates, going to his house, sex, you name it. My sex life with him is the best I've ever had, and I'm not exaggerating. He just knows how to please me, in ways my husband never did/could, even in the beginning.
So I'm living this double life where Kam thinks I'm going through "a divorce". In fact, I have filed for divorce, but actually unsure if I want to go through with it. Like I've said, I'm fed up with these issues I've had with Robert, but I just love him. Kam thinks that my husband and I are legally separated, but we're not.
I'm living this double life where Robert and I live together in our not-so perfect marriage lifestyle, where sometimes I will go away on the weekends "with girlfriends" (when I'm actually going away to spend time with Kam). On some days during the week when my husband is at work, I'll also drive to see Kam. And then when I can't spend time with Kam, I'm telling him I'm spending it with my parents or friends, when really I just need to be with my husband.
I'm tired of lying to these guys! I know I need to be honest, but where do I even start? I know that if I begin to confess to Kam, he'd no longer want to try and work things out with me. I don't want to lose him. And sometimes I want to divorce Robert, but.. I just don't know if I can truly let him go.

What do I do? Where do I even start? How do I clean this mess up? How do I make a choice?

Thank you for your time.

Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 04:38 pm
One thing I want to point out at the start is that just because you've been with your husband for 7 years, it does not mean you need to be together another 7 minutes. It's the sunk cost fallacy, where you feel you've put in the time, so things are going to get better if you just wait around long enough.

It's like the old joke about how in an enormous pile of horse manure, somewhere in there, there's got to be a pony.

So you don't have to hang around any longer, if things aren't working out. It's okay to call it quits. And you've already filed for divorce. So you're halfway across the threshold anyway.

Hence if you want to leave and pursue Kam, then you would be able to. Although if I were you, I would come clean to Kam either way, as that gives him a fair chance to decide if continuing on is worth it to him. It would be mature to be unselfish about this and give the guy an honest decision to make instead of him banking on a deception.

But if you want to stay, then make an effort to make it work. Not just hanging around as roommates and hoping it'll somehow get better. Instead, working at it should mean marriage counseling, both along and apart.

It also, unless you and your husband decide to open up your marriage, means that you say sayonara to Kam.

Or end it with both of them. There's that option as well. I know you don't want to lose this one or that one, but have you ever truly been on your own in the world?

Independence is an awesome thing. And it would be a good idea to have an actual physical break (that is, a separate living space) which would have the effect of telling the truth for you. If your husband wanted to fight a divorce, then he would see he'd have to do something to keep you. And Kam would see that, yes, you're separated.

Right now, you're at a stalemate, and it's far easier and more secure to keep up with the status quo. You get your **** buddy and the roof over your head. When it all comes crashing down, if you've done nothing to change the status quo, it will not be pretty.
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Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 07:17 pm
Time is the great reveal - and you are running out.

Kam will find out for sure; your husband might or not, since he seems so oblivious to you and your needs.
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Reply Wed 10 Oct, 2018 10:00 am
you seem to be enjoying this lifestyle. getting your money from one guy and getting your honey from the other one. why do feel the need to confess to either one?
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Reply Wed 10 Oct, 2018 10:01 am
Thank you for your advice. I realize time is of the essence. These are all valid points. Its just a matter of figuring out what choice to make.
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Reply Thu 11 Oct, 2018 09:40 am
I’ve experienced something similar before with my husband. He lived a double life for 8 years of our marriage. After I discovered his life, I felt like I was living with a stranger. First of all, both of you have issues that you need to work on. Your husband has a porn addiction that he needs help with and it sounds like you have communication issues and some growing up to do. You should come clean to your husband and ask for an open marriage. The sneaking around is so exciting for you right now and you may feel like you’ve been missing out on all this fun for so long. However, you will soon find out that Kam is also hiding something from you. A man willing to sleep with you knowing that you are still married is also sleeping with someone else. Men like Kam will come and go. When the fire and passion from sex and good conversation dies, so will your so called friendship or relationship. You need to work on yourself and figure out why you have been with your husband for so long and what your main goal/ purpose is for you in your marriage. You need to tell Kam and be upfront with him like a grown woman should. If you want to stay in your marriage and mess around, be upfront with both parties and you will feel relieved that you no longer have to hide any more.
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Reply Thu 11 Oct, 2018 10:34 am
Time to take action.
I would start by talking to kam and tell him he is the other guy. Most guys don’t care but he might be wanting to move forward
You need to worry about your happiness. If that means husband has to go.
You might lose both tho
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Reply Thu 11 Oct, 2018 11:59 am
Wouldn’t it be nice if someone could just tell us what to do in confusing situations like this? But no one can. Only you can decide. But you do have to decide soon or it will blow up and you will have a much bigger heartache. Keep in mind no relationship is perfect. You are not doing full life with the new guy. Once the day to day life sets in, who knows how the dynamics will change. Thus the honeymoon season of a relationship. I am also not sure how healthy it is to go from one relationship right to another. It can work, but a break is better. I know this is hard. It sounds like your marriage is not over. When it is over, there is peace and you know it is done. I am afraid if you left your marriage without that peace you will live with regret.
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