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Should i ignore the girl who rejected me before i get friendzoned ?

 
 
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 05:25 am
so i met this girl online, a few weeks ago, intially she needed some help with the university stuff, i helped her out. Than we started to talk on the phone, we spoke like 3 hours on calls for two-three times, got to know eachother during these calls (i thought she like talking to me). We dont really chat much , because she does'nt seem interested in chat, never extends the chat , always replies in 1-2 words (this is where i thought she isnt interested). So after like 4 weeks of call and text, we decided to meet up, i sent her a text asking if she wanna go to a restuarent or cook and eat at my place, she picked my placed (i guess she thought its a casual dinner and not a date, which it was). So we met at my place, had a good talk, drank some wine, saw a movie together, at somepoint she got scared and held my hand cause of the scene (which i liked). she also bought up the topic of her ex, and told what went wrong, i could see the pain and tears in her eyes, i huged her thats wat i thought was good than i walked her home, she texted in the night, "thank you for everything", that all.

after a day or two, i decided to ask her for a real date by explicitly mentioning it.
me- hi, i want to take you out for dinner, like a real date?
she- lol
me- is that a yes or no?
she- its just i dont know, i am not a date type girl.
me- thats fine, take care of yourself.

that was it, i did not contact her after that. cause i wanted to get over with it.
than later there was a party, and while returning from the party i was lil drunk, so i called her up at 4:00 am in the morning (i know , disgusting), just wanted to talk to her. she did not pick obviously.
the next day she called me up , probably to know why did i call. i did not pick, later she called again , i dint pick it again, cause i am not sure what to tell her.
its been 24 hours since her last call, what should i do now?
should i call her and explain why did i call, or should i wait to make her another move,or just forget about it once and for all.
P-S: "i do want to date this girl"

thank you
 
Thomas
 
  4  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 05:54 am
@aditya069,
(1) If you want to date her, not calling her is not going to get you very far. So call, tell her you've been thinking of her, make smalltalk, and see where it goes from there.

(2) If it turns out she does not want to date you and does want to be friends, you'll need to decide if being friends is better than nothing for you or not. If not, that will be the time to tell her that, to stop calling her, and to stop answering her calls.
aditya069
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 06:58 am
@Thomas,
Thank you thomas.

Do you think, by not calling her back and not answering her calls , i am kind of driving her crazy?
cause i mean, if that is the case, i would love to do it more and than call her after a couple of weeks .
Thomas
 
  5  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 07:04 am
@aditya069,
I think it's quite likely you might be driving her crazy, but not in a good way. Mind-gaming people you want a relationship with is rarely good strategy.
aditya069
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 07:12 am
@Thomas,
alright, last question.
Next time if she calls, what do you think its better to tell her?
should i open up to her and tell her that i am falling for you (which i am i guess) ? OR
should i just tell her it was a random drunken call ?
what can be the output of these 2 scenarios?
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 08:39 am
@aditya069,
Neither.

Say you are sorry you drunk dialed her. Promise (and mean it) that you won't do it again. And then like Thomas says, make small talk and ask her out - again. If she says no then you'll know where you stand.

Games are stupid.

Confessions of love and falling for someone and the height of stupidity if you're not in a relationship. It works in the movies but those are the movies. They're not real life.
0 Replies
 
Thomas
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 08:41 am
@aditya069,
I'd go for something in the middle. You've been thinking of her, wondering how she was doing, wondering If she'd like to go to a movie theater together, and so forth. Show her you're interested but don't put her on the spot. (I suspect that might have been part of her problem when she told you she's not a dating kind of girl.)

If you tell her on the phone call that you're falling for her, she might feel rushed and put on the spot and run away. I'd wait with that until after you've watched that movie (or whatever you end up doing), if you feel the evening is going well.

If you tell her it was just a drunken call, she may conclude you're not that into her after all, and decide to leave you alone in the future.

Thomas
 
  3  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 08:47 am
@Thomas,
After reading Jespah's reply, I like her idea of admitting to the drunk call and apologizing for it. It shows that you care and that you're honest.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  4  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 10:35 am
call her - apologize for the drunk call - don't get into a pile of explanations - just apologize

acknowledge that she doesn't want to date - ask her if she'd be ok with hanging out some time - go for a coffee - go for a walk - go to an art gallery - hanging out stuff

if she says no, accept that - maybe suggest that you'd be cool with her calling you if she does want to hang out sometime

if she says yes - be ready with a couple of suggestions of time and activity. I'd suggest mid-day get togethers to start.

__

I think you jumped into the whole idea of dating waaaay too soon. Stick with the hanging out thing for longer. She might be like me and be really really skittish about the date word. Try to stick with casual friendship for a while.

In the meantime, continue to go out with other people.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 10:43 am
@aditya069,
aditya069 wrote:
should i open up to her and tell her that i am falling for you


no no

and

no

0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  2  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 11:14 am
What ehBeth said.

Dude, don't make this a bigger thing than it is.

I know you are coming at it from your internal perspective, but look at it in the larger picture.

Not everything as to be disected and discussed to death.

More than likely none of what you've talked about here is even on her radar.

This is with no disrepect to you as an individual, but you need to realize others are just simply not that aware, or interested in every nuance of your every action or word.

A simple "Sorry I called you when I was drunk" is absolutely all that needs to be said. No need to go into details of it.

Go for coffee or or like. You may, unbelievably, come to the conclusion after you meet a few times that you're really not all that into her anyway. You may both realize you like each other mutually. Who knows?

It's a bit early to be "falling" for someone when you haven't even spent time together, and really know little about each other.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 11:21 am
@aditya069,
aditya069 wrote:

she- its just i dont know, i am not a date type girl.
me- thats fine, take care of yourself.


you do realize that from her perspective this was you rejecting her - not her rejecting you - right?

it really was uncool

__

I think if I got a drunk call after this, I'd be convinced you were a putz.

Apologize for the drunk call regardless of anything else.
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 02:43 pm
@ehBeth,
FWIW, I thought I'd throw this into the mix....

I was listening, on and off while driving, to a really interesting podcast yesterday.

It was actually about a completely different subject, but it touched on some excellent points about life in general.

Some of the points were about overcompensation.

Like how lonely people (not saying the OP is lonely, but it's relatable) many times end up driving people away by plain old trying to hard.

It made me think of a woman (I'm a woman too btw) that I met via a male friend a couple of months ago. We met over a casual lunch, and Jeebus, by the time the lunch was over it's like she had planned out the rest of our lives together. It wasn't as uncomfortable as it might have been only because my long time friend was there as a buffer. Over the next week I saw her twice more, once with that friend, another time when I had mentioned I was meeting another friend somewhere, and she more or less invited herself along, and just showed up. The 2nd time I saw her she did say she was lonely (she was new in the area), and my friend and I later talked about that alone, both of us agreeing she had to learn to take it easier, or drive others away.

She had actually invited me and the 2 other friends to dinner the next night, and followed was a flurry of texts to all of us relating to it. Then, it must have dawned on her how over exuberant she was being, suddenly texted she couldn't make it, and......silence since then.

I'm sure we all 3 realized she felt embarrassed (we didn't discuss it). I have to wonder how differently it could have gone if she had just been chill about the whole thing. She was in fact very nice.

Our OP has not been that over the top, but is heading that way if he goes ahead with the apologies, explanations, further planning and falling for this other person.

Take it easy my man. Just flow.
maxdancona
 
  -1  
Reply Sun 7 Oct, 2018 03:05 pm
@aditya069,
The best person to answer this question is a single man...

1. Get rid of the word "friendzone". It is a meaningless word (except for men complaining to other men about not getting sex).

2. If you want a sexual relationship, be an adult about it. There is nothing wrong with just being direct; "I want a romantic relationship with you, what would you like?". If the other person is interested in you romantically, they will respond positively. If they don't, they won't. That way you don't need to waste time.

3) If you want a friendship, make sure it is an equal friendship. There is nothing more pathetic than a clingy person who is holding onto hope of a romantic relationship with someone who isn't interested. In a real friendship, you are getting as much out of the relationship as you are giving. There is nothing wrong with simply walking away from someone who rejects an amorous advance.

4) There are two ways to play games. If you are flirting... and both people are enjoying the cat and mouse... then it is fun. That type of game is productive (and often ends in great sex). If both people aren't in on the fun, then it is creepy.

Being direct is always safe. If you want something just ask for it.

5) In your case she says she isn't a "girl who dates"... ask her what that means. I would say clearly, I want a romantic relationship with you, what do you think? No need to apologize or beat around the bush. Just say what you want and ask what she means.

Simple, direct, adult communication is the easiest way to build a relationship.


0 Replies
 
aditya069
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Oct, 2018 03:11 am
@chai2,
thank you Everyone... i have a clear picture where am i going wrong....
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Mon 8 Oct, 2018 07:36 pm
@aditya069,
Do you?

I hope that means keeping sober too. Especially with calling on phone.
0 Replies
 
aditya069
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 04:33 pm
@ehBeth,
thank you. it kind off worked, i called her up and apologised and she said, there is nothing to apologise for and she was completely normal as if nothing happened.
we spoke like an hour on phone and made some small talks.
thats all.
the thing with this girl is that, she never calls me or text me first, its ALWAYS me(not that i have a problem with that, but it makes me kinda look needy) also she never extends the conversations, just answers in 1 or 2 words, but when i call, she talks very nicely and we speak for hours sometimes, that is what making me curious all the time (i am getting mixed signals).. texting/calling first all the time makes me look desperate ... i am being very careful i dont wanna miss this shot.
any advice?
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 04:41 pm
Two questions...

1) What do people have against simple, direct, adult communication? Why shouldn't he just ask for what he wants?

2) How many people in this discussion have any recent experience dating as a single man?

There is a silly notion that men can be so nice, so decent so respectful that that women will dive into bed with them. Maybe it works for some women... but it isn't how it usually works. The funny thing is that this idea that women should be charmed into a sexual relationship is coming from feminism (which seems rather outdated). That isn't how human nature really works.

I have learned that saying -- "I am a super good, respectful, decent, guy... you should be attracted to me".

These mating rituals where guys try to be perfect in every way to attract a woman... always worried that in one misstep he may lose his chance... are really silly.

In my years, I have learned that real relationships come from being real. I just say "I want a relationship with you" as a good enough adult, and she response as a equally good adult. No one should be worried about being perfect.

I think the advice on this thread is reinforcing old gender stereotypes rather than reflecting what actually happens in modern dating.
0 Replies
 
maxdancona
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 04:52 pm
Let me give the example of my current (rather happy) relationship. We had spent time together, and I was really into her... but it was awkward. So after dinner I said "I want to spend the night with you, but I am feeling uncomfortable I am not sure how you are feeling".

She responded with what was worrying her, and we talked about it. Then we spent a pretty incredible night together and we have been in a passionate fulfilling relationship since. She could have told me that she wasn't interested, or that she needed more time. In any case communicating directly is better than not communicating.

I was honest about what I wanted. She was honest. That is how real relationships should work.
0 Replies
 
chai2
 
  1  
Reply Tue 9 Oct, 2018 05:42 pm
@aditya069,
aditya069 wrote:

thank you. it kind off worked, i called her up and apologised and she said, there is nothing to apologise for and she was completely normal as if nothing happened.
we spoke like an hour on phone and made some small talks.
thats all.
the thing with this girl is that, she never calls me or text me first, its ALWAYS me(not that i have a problem with that, but it makes me kinda look needy) also she never extends the conversations, just answers in 1 or 2 words, but when i call, she talks very nicely and we speak for hours sometimes, that is what making me curious all the time (i am getting mixed signals).. texting/calling first all the time makes me look desperate ... i am being very careful i dont wanna miss this shot.
any advice?


We can't answer why she doesn't give lengthy answers, or initiates communication....Maybe she just doesn't talk much, and isn't into texting. Maybe she's shy.

Not sure how you can say you like her so much when she barely talks. Or maybe that's part of what attracts you to her.

You say you talk with her for hours. It must be you doing 99% of the talking, if she's just saying a word or 2.

So what is it you like about her anyway? And please don't say "She's nice" or "she's pretty" What is "nice"? What is "pretty"?
Dig down, what is it you are attracted to?



For crying out loud, just ask her out.

There's no guarantees, maybe she'll say yes, maybe she'll say no.

But you doing nothing makes it a definate it's not going to happen.

 

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