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Need opinon about ex's

 
 
Newbies
 
Reply Sat 22 Sep, 2018 08:20 pm
I have been with my Boyfriend since February 2018.
This morning (8:43am) a man I dated (non sexually but he did try to kiss me once) before him texted me to say hi and to see how I was doing. Last time we spoke he knew I chose my current Boyfriend. When I dated this guy we would work out together at 5am a few times a week for about 6/7 weeks.
My boyfriend is upset because it was early in the morning and thinks the guy wanted sex or to cause issues since it was a Saturday morning and I could have been sleeping in with my boyfriend.
I did not respond the text even though we left things on good terms and decided to remain friends because my boyfriend got upset about the text.
I haven't heard from my ex since March.
I don't think theres an issue with him texting me in the morning compared to afternoon but my Boyfriend does.

A few weeks ago a different ex texted me but it was in the afternoon and I didn't want to text him back because he called me "His Beautiful Baby" in the text and I thought that was disrespectful to my Boyfriend and to me considering he didn't know if I was with someone. My Boyfriend said I should give him the benefit of the doubt and message him since he had no idea I was with anyone.
I told him I was in a relationship now and he was still disrespectful so my boyfriend and I agreed to cut contact.
Again, a non sexual dating thing.

Are there appropriate/inappropriate hours for texting past relationships ?
They were both good guys and we left things on good terms....I decided I wanted to be with my Boyfriend.

Side note: He is friends with some of his ex's (which were sexual relationships). He says there is nothing between them, all were long past ( years, one was last year) currently long distance ( all but 1 over 1,000 miles). I have no issues with that but if I can't even be friends with local exes and we have never been sexual should he be allowed to be friends with long time exes that he says want nothing more?
Opinions please....
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sat 22 Sep, 2018 09:36 pm
@Newbies,
Nobody should be talking about in terms of "allowing" someone to be friends. You don't need a permission slip.

You've been very open with your boyfriend about pretty much everything. Make it clear to your exes if they contact you that you're spoken for and you don't want to have sexual or romantic contact. If your exes persist, then that's what the block function is for.

As for your boyfriend and his exes, he gets a benefit because they are long distance. But that really shouldn't matter. Either you trust each other, or you don't. Like I said, I think you've been very up front about things. If that's not enough for him, then he is not being reasonable.
Newbies
 
  2  
Reply Sat 22 Sep, 2018 10:14 pm
@jespah,
Thanks, I don't like the word "allowing" either.

Apparently he was upset because I asked if he was jealous and out of shock I giggled. I also didn't reply to the text and he thinks I should have shut him down. I didn't even care enough to bother, I told him to do it and gave him my phone. We have always had a solid foundation of trust and open communication this is a new aspect of the relationship that I hope will pass.
bunnyhabit
 
  0  
Reply Sat 22 Sep, 2018 11:51 pm
Both of you should not be cozy with your exs. Only bad things can happen from playing with others that were yours prior to breaking up and starting a new relationship.
Newbies
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 07:32 am
@bunnyhabit ,
I agree, I usually dont stay in co tact woth previous exes that were more than just a few dates.
Some of the guys I have met are good guys but there's no tomantic connection so we just stayed friends.
I moved 1200 miles away from my friends and family about 14 months ago so I was also trying to go out and meet new people.
0 Replies
 
jespah
 
  4  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 08:28 am
@Newbies,
Understood. I'm cozy w/my exes, BTW, but I'm also in my mid-fifties and have been married for over 26 years. Two are FB friends I see nearly every day and interact with; another 2 are FB friends who I see a lot less often. Another is a filmmaker who I saw in person (while engaged) but haven't seen or heard from since. And another was an FB friend and has passed away, it's a few years now. I talked to him on the phone maybe 2 months before he died.

But be that as it may, everyone's got a different relationship style. I really don't see the issue with him, as your response was to ignore the "hey baby" (or whatever)-style communications. He thought you should have taken these guys to task, and then you offered him your phone to let him do it if he was so hot to do that.

I think you've gone above and beyond.

If Henry (he's the guy who's deceased) had propositioned me instead of confided in me, I would have laughed. And I would have told my husband and probably not talked/texted with Henry anymore. I wouldn't have felt the need to tear him a new one, and the same is true of Tom, John, Jim, Chris, and Howie. Or of any other exes who might come out of the woodwork.

I don't feel the need to punish people as if they were children, and apparently you don't, either. Your boyfriend needs to learn that figuratively spanking people is unnecessary.

And BTW, I'm sure if an ex persisted, you would react and/or block him, yes? But as a first instance, to go to the nuclear option? That's overreacting.
Newbies
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:26 pm
@jespah,
I'm sorry to hear about Henry.
I'm 39 and he is 49....I dont think there should even be an issue. Sometimes jealousy gets the best of us because of past experiences but I'm not that person.
He actually replied to my text from my ex (Keith) and thanked him for ruining our relationship. I said to him why let him know he upset you?
I also said if he wants to play that then expect it from me. Honestly, I would take the high road and just leave instead of being in a jealous relationship. It's not my style.
Tha k you, I feel as though I have done my best to make things right and let him k ow about the first one (Brian) being disrespectful. I took care of it right away, I wont allow that and I know he wouldnt either. I blocked him and I also blocked Keith because I dont want to bother, plus I feel like an ass.
Everyone has a past and people pop up. ...its all how you deal with it.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:32 pm
@Newbies,
Newbies wrote:
allowed


I don't think adults in healthy relationships need to give each other permission to have other relationships - of whatever sort they want. At the same time, some couples seem to need rules - and in those cases, I feel strongly that the rules have to be equitable. If you can't have contact with friends, neither can he.

Time to sit down with your current boyfriend and have a very serious discussion with him. If the relationship is going to continue/move forward, you need to have things very clear between the two of you.

Male or female, I have no time for people who try to tell me who my friends should be and I can't imagine telling my partner who he can have contact with - real or virtual.
ehBeth
 
  3  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:33 pm
@Newbies,
Newbies wrote:
My boyfriend is upset because it was early in the morning and thinks the guy wanted sex or to cause issues since it was a Saturday morning


you do see that your boyfriend has some odd ideas right?

if I had to type your first post out, the guy would already be my ex-boyfriend.
Newbies
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:46 pm
@ehBeth,
I agree 100%

Thanks
0 Replies
 
Newbies
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:48 pm
@ehBeth,
That's part of my issue....8:43am is not early, even on a Saturday. Especially when I would be up 5am with my ex a few times a week working out. For all he knows I still kept that schedule.

My current Boyfriend says if he knew you could possibly be in bed with me why would he text you? I said because there is nothing to hide....
jespah
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:50 pm
@Newbies,
Hey, thanks. It was a while ago, and the last time I saw him in person was 1986.

Yeah, your boyfriend seems to be just bursting with a lot of odd ideas. And telling Keith he ruined your relationship -- by what, exactly? -- that is Weird City. I mean, if your relationship was that fragile, then that says tons about your current boyfriend.

And you're absolutely right about the past. Hell, you're not fresh out of high school. Of course you have a past. If this is how your current squeeze handles a text which wasn't even necessarily problematic, then, eh, I got nothin'.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:53 pm
@Newbies,
Your current boyfriend sounds super fragile. Perhaps he would benefit from some counselling to work on his self esteem. You sound like you are much more accepting and patient than I would be in your situation.
ehBeth
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 12:56 pm
@Newbies,
Newbies wrote:
He actually replied to my text from my ex (Keith) and thanked him for ruining our relationship.


that would be a hard stop/good-bye to the current boyfriend. if he can't handle me being friends with my exes <shakes head huuuuuuuge> he's not grown up enough for me.

my partner has gone to concerts with me where one of my exes is in the group - he's waved me off to go to meet him at other concerts. no biggie.

I can't imagine either of us keeping the other on a short leash re other people.

Newbies
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 03:33 pm
@ehBeth,
Not many people can handle it. I honestly have no desire to meet his. But he didnt have to embarrass me.
I have been getting this type of response from another site I signed up for as well.
Newbies
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 03:55 pm
@jespah,
He claims by texting so early and my chuckling while I asked him if he was jealous.
We actually have a strong relationship which was why I was shocked and chuckled out of disbelief.
We have a lot of talking to do.....
0 Replies
 
Newbies
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 03:57 pm
@ehBeth,
He was always very confident and secure, I'm not sure what's going on. Maybe he is feeling overwhelmed with his emotions?
PUNKEY
 
  2  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 03:57 pm
Yike, I thought you were teens!

I see now he’s 49.

He blames you and this other guy? His insecurity and jealousy is showing. Guys like this can never be reassured enough. Expect further tightening of the leash.
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 04:06 pm
@Newbies,
Newbies wrote:
Not many people can handle it.


my experience is that adults can handle their partner's pasts - and the place of people from their past in their lives

most of us were friends with our exes before they were relationship partners - that means they were good people in some way - and they are generally still good people and friends after the relationships end
0 Replies
 
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sun 23 Sep, 2018 04:09 pm
@Newbies,
Newbies wrote:
He was always very confident and secure, I'm not sure what's going on.


not sure what's happening but you are not describing the behaviour of a confident adult

this is one case where I'd be curious about the end of previous relationships - I might try to ask carefully ... but then again, he sounds like he needs help and you are not his counsellor
0 Replies
 
 

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