What should I do?

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Yesterday me and a friend (who I also live in a dorm with), got into a big fight where she told me that she thinks I’m mean a lot of the time. I don’t think I’m mean, just honest, and I also think it’s important to tell other friends hard truths sometimes. I would want them to do the same for me. I would never try to be honest in that way with a stranger, only to someone I really know. I see it as a sign that I really love the person, and I assume that if we’re friends they care about my opinion in the way that I care about theirs. After that, I asked her if she thinks I’m mean all the time, why wouldn’t she say anything until now? She said that, “Well, you’re too stubborn you’d never change your mind.” And I asked her about a specific example. We were with another friend of ours, talking about his film making and I said, “You’re afraid to put in your 100%, I know you can do good work, you just pretend to be apathetic because you’re afraid to try your best and still fail.” Later and when it was just me and my friend she said, “He really needed to hear that.” But in this arguement she was saying that was an example of me being mean. We had talked about his apathy before! I thought we were in the same page, as I thought that he needed to hear it and that she agreed with me, so I brought it up. I’m not just gonna gossip about someone and then never talk to them about what I think the issue is! So I asked her why she agreed with me if she thought I was being mean, and why she would lie to me. She said, “I’m just trying to support you.” But I don’t want her to support me if she thinks what I’m doing is stupid and mean! I told her all of this and I think it boils down to her belief that agreeing=support. I don’t believe this! I can still love/support someone and disagree with them. I’m really terrified now that everything she says is a lie that she’s telling to try and support me, and that when we’re not together she’s gossiping about what a huge jerk I am. This is the biggest fight we’ve ever had and I still love her and want to be friends, I just need her to tell me the hard truths instead of just trying to “support me”. How should I talk to her about this? She hates conflict and arguments and would rather not express her angry/hurt emotions. I understand that because of how she was raised, but it makes it really hard to have a conversation with her about any of this because she perceives it as an arguement. I don’t want anyone to think I’m mean. I don’t try to be! But I also think it’s the right thing to do to tell your friends and the people close to you what you think, even if they don’t necessarily want to hear it. I know that her telling me I’m mean is one of those circumstances, and I’m willing to work on my delivery or my aprroach to talking to people, but being honest is important to me. What should I do? How should I approach talking to her? And how should I deal with the feeling that she’s lying to me? Please help.

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[+4] - jespah - 09/22/2018Lots to unpack here. In no particular order:[list][*] Constructive criticism is helpful. This includes giving people an idea of what needs to improve. [*] Destructive criticism, where someone is...

@smith7115,

Lots to unpack here. In no particular order:

Constructive criticism is helpful. This includes giving people an idea of what needs to improve.
Destructive criticism, where someone is torn down personally or they or their work is made fun of, is not helpful.
Some people think all criticism is destructive. It's not.
However, there's nothing wrong with being kind when you criticize. In fact, there is a lot that's right about that. You're still being true to yourself even if you soften the blow.
And softening the blow is often a far better way to get the person you are critiquing to actually do what you are suggesting.
As for the way she criticizes, learn to live with that. Her style isn't going to change. You cannot make it change; only she can. Will yours?

A few things. Learn how to soften the blow.

This is by way of what we call in the indie writing community (we get criticisms every day of our lives and we can tell the difference) call the **** sandwich.

First statement is something that is good. Even lousy writing can be unique. Even slow plots can have interesting characters. Same with any other endeavor.

Second bit is the harsher stuff. But even then, be kind in your criticisms. You're not losing yourself or buttering someone up or being dishonest if you couch more in terms of I think it would be good if you... versus You need to.... Because it's ultimately your opinion. It will help a lot if you own up to the fact that hey, you could be wrong. If your critiquing isn't attached to something objective (e. g. that person spelled decision wrong) and you're not reacting to out-and-out plagiarism, then you're offering your opinion only. Act accordingly. There are probably other ways of doing things that aren't your way.

Third, end on a high note. Again, be kind, be upbeat.

Your friend behaves this way. And it's a far better way to behave. Why? Because just telling unvarnished hard truths is often a cover for just being a jerk. Whereas being kinder, as I noted above, is far more likely to get a behavior changed. And isn't that the name of the game here? Because if it's not, then the critiquing is just bitching.

Do some people need harsh truths only? Maybe. But run it by them first. Do you want to hear the unvarnished truth? And deal with it if they say no. And if they say yes, you should still be kind about things. Why? Because these people are presumably your friends so you should not be going around tearing them a new one all the time.

Also, do you do anything that isn't criticizing? Be honest. Because if all you do is critique, then yeah, people are going to think you're mean. Those are mean behaviors. You are not the sole guardian of truth and taste.

Is the example she gave overly harsh? Not really, no. But you seem to have put her on the spot to come up with a time when you were overly harsh -- and that in itself is kind of harsh.

So you need to understand when you're being too hard on people and learn how to reel yourself in.

BTW, I don't think she thinks support = agreement at all. Why don't I think this? Because she is saying she's just trying to support you but is having trouble with that, while at the same time agreeing with the essence of your statement. That's not an equivalence.

Finally, I'm going to assume, considering you mentioned a dorm, that you are under the age of 25. Understand that you will change (just like everyone does) and you'll start to get it that there are other ways to be critical.

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How does the line go, oh yeah “You can’t handle the truth”

Really, keep this friendship light and fun. She doesn’t like heavy subjects and doesn’t seem to want to commit to an opinion. So don’t require this from her.

Find someone else to have deep conversations with.

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@smith7115,

smith7115 wrote:

I also think it’s important to tell other friends hard truths sometimes. I would want them to do the same for me.

2 things

1. what you want isn't necessarily what other people want and it isn't nice of you to force your decisions on others.

2. sometimes. you seem to understand that hard truths aren't always required / appropriate .

__

here's a hard truth for you

this is just the wrong way to think. wrong wrong wrong

so wrong

so unpleasant

so wrong

Quote:

But I also think it’s the right thing to do to tell your friends and the people close to you what you think, even if they don’t necessarily want to hear it.

there are times and places for hard truths and you have to really work on learning when they are

you don't seem to have good social judgment at this point in time

growing up might help you with this. maybe you need counselling

the truth is - based on your post - is that you do not have good social skills

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@ehBeth,

It's a tough judgement call. I know because my best friend loved to eat while suffering from diabetes. His wife and children always argued with his eating, but I never mentioned it. He eventually went blind, shuffled when he walked, and passed on. He was born in Shanghai, China, and his father was President of the Bank of China, so his family was wealthy. He went to Tibet and India for his grade school education. During the Cultural Revolution, his family escaped to Hong Kong. Before he started college, his father gave him $10,000 (this was in the late 1940's), and told him to move to the US for his education. When he landed in San Francisco, he partied and blew that money, but he worked his way through college in Michigan. He was one of the first to program computers, and he eventually even taught programming in college. There are many things we shared together, but to make a long story short, we always invited each others families to holiday meals and other important events like weddings. I dearly miss him; I was closer to him than my own siblings.

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@jespah,

Thanks for the response I appreciate it. I wrote my post in kind of a panic, and I know reading it back that it makes me seem like kind of an asshole. I genuinely believe that I do understand how to deliver criticism in a constructive way (delivering difficult notes in theater often works the same way as you describe writing), she just seemed to be saying that ANY criticism was mean. This isn’t how I often talk to people, I don’t spend all day berating people on their taste or choices, despite what my original post may have made it seem. I would never offer my opinion on someone’s personal life unless I felt that we were really close friends, and even with close friends I only speak up when I feel like what I have to say could be helpful. For example, I’ve been in a similar position as my friend who is a filmmaker, and understand how scary it is to try your very best in fear of failure. I really do appreciate your advice about not putting people on spot in an argument to prove a point. I need to consider that in the future, I know that I often get too “debate-y” in arguments where I often feel that if I can just talk someone under the table, they’ll HAVE to agree with me. (Newsflash, this is not how anything works lol!) I really appreciate your response. I’ve talked things out with my friend who said that she really didn’t mean a lot of what she said, she just felt “under attack” as a lot of us feel during confrontation and lashed out, but even despite the fact that it’s resolved, I think you’ve given me some good things to think about. Thanks and have a good day/night/afternoon. Smile

1 Reply

@ehBeth,

Hi. I made this post earlier today in a panic because I was really worried about this argument. I know that in it I seem very stubborn and frantic, but despite what you think I’m not actually an idiot, I was just trying to quickly sum up the situation and clearly didn’t do a great job. I don’t run around in my life being rude to people for no reason. I’m sure that you meant to be helpful but yours was actually sort of a rude response, I’m sure just coming from a misunderstanding. My friend and I resolved it later today once we had both cooled off and were actually ready to talk it out, but thanks for your time anyways.

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@smith7115,

No prob. And because I am also a retired lawyer - the confrontational style is wrongheaded and it rarely gets the results you want. This is true in the law as it is in life. More flies with sugar and all that.

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