I was speaking to a very special friend I met months ago on a site called Experience Project and fell in love with - I wrote a poem for her birthday - and she said that because we live so far apart that it was best if we just remain friends. She asked if I was upset - and I was, very much so. She said she feels horrible about making me feel upset, and that just made me worse, I don'e want her to feel bad at all, it hurts me a lot when she's upset about stuff.
I said to her that if we're just going to remain friends then I'd like to show her the poem now, instead of on her birthday since the message would be irrelevant if I waited any more. She said it was beautiful, but I could hear the sadness in her voice. We said goodnight and I went to bed - I don't think I've ever cried like that in years. We still talk on facebook, just as friends - I love her so much and I love talking to her, but every word she says is like a knife in me.
We're about 650 miles apart. She live's in Sussex in England, I live in the NE Scotland. That's not that far and I am more than willing to travel. I know that she cares about me, she said the only thing between us and happiness is the miles. Maybe there is still a chance, I mean, I had always planned to go to a film school down there when I had the cash anyway. I may just be living in a half faded fantasy, and I may be heartbroken, but if there's one thing I'm not - it's a quitter.
I was talking to her on Saturday night on facebook and she was very drunk and upset and crying and I was comforting her, and making sure she was drinking plenty of water. She keeps saying how sorry she is and how much she loves me - and that hurt so much. I don't know if it's actually her. She says she's been crying about it too. She showed me this song, saying it makes her cry every time - and she begged me not to give up on her.
I stayed up all night comforting her - I refused to go to sleep until I knew she was safely in bed and that wasn't until 6am. I had been thinking about that all day yesterday, and I thought if she said that to me when she was drunk then maybe she did feel that way but was too afraid to say anything - so I told her last night just how much she means to me. She said that if we keep talking it's going to get too complicated and one of us will get hurt, so now I'm worried I'm going to lose her forever. That was another night I spent crying in bed. I just don't know what to think any more. I was in the library at school today reading and then I started looking back at our conversations and I started to tear up again. I wish she would realise just how much I love her and what I'm willing to do to be with her. I have cried myself to sleep twice and cried at school now, it's getting out of control, but I don't want her to know how much I'm hurting because she'll blame herself and I don't want to see her upset again because it hurts me :'(