Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 05:44 am
I go to a law university where the community is very tightly knit and because we live in close contact all the time in the hostels, everyone is sort of in each others business. I am a pretty friendly person with varied interests and I am friends with different people in different groups. I had 3 friends whom I would hang out with most of the time (a girl and 2 guys). Mostly because the girl (lets call her rachel) and one of the guys (call him dean) were interested in each other and his best friend tagged along (and I started being friends with her because we liked the same tv shows mostly). The guy's best friend would rarely hang out with us, usually just when we go to a pub or something. And this is when we were 18. We are from a pretty conservative society where any pre-marital relationship is kind of taboo, so we dont have the whole "casual dating" thing. So rachel and dean decided the best way to get to know each other before they become 'boyfriend and girlfriend' was to have study dates with me so that it wasnt an actual date because someone else was there (me) but they'd still spend time with each other. So all this is in the first month of university, like a month since all of us met for the first time. Now Dean asks me if he should ask out Rachel and I knew she wanted him to and so I said that yeah, she seems interested go for it. They start dating, its all sunshine and rainbows until a year later she loses her virginity to him and then the fighting starts for really stupid reasons like he hasnt texted in the last hour or that she called him when he was talking to someone, things like that. I try to stay away from taking sides because they're both my friends and its none of my business. They start having an on-off relationship which is very confusing and tiresome. Then they start getting angry at me for not solving their problems and "mediating their relationship" since I know both sides. I told them that their relationship is not something that I had to or wanted to be involved in and they are the ones who should be working on it. Dean's best friend stops coming to hang when we go out of our campus and I constantly ended up having to stop Dean and Rachel from making a scene when we are out in public. Then there's the time that Rachel thought she was pregnant and it was a bad time for all of us, especially because she came from a political family and their relationship soured even more. Now while all this is going on with them, my depression (that I had since high school) was getting worse, I started developing self-harming tendencies, I went from being an all A's class topper to someone who barely passed my classes, my parents were emotionally abusive, and mental ailments are not considered "real sickness" in my community so I was basically muddling through all of it on my limited knowledge through the internet. And while I'm curled up in my room trying not to add another scar to my collection, they keep trying to involve me in their fights, starts using me as an excuse, when she dumps him over a fight for not paying enough attention to her. Dean calls me with threats of committing suicide if Rachel doesnt take him back and after a lot of grovelling from him, they start their on -off relationship again. Things start getting more complicated; they both cheat and they both suspect that the other person did but dont know for sure, start flirting with others in front of each other. We're almost done with 3 years of university when Dean dumps Rachel saying that he cant keep up with her jealousy and constant need for attention and that he needs to concentrate on his studies; this is in January. They hook up one night and Rachel thinks she's pregnant again though she'd taken the morning after pill. Rachel comes up to me and asks me to help her get him back and aid her into manipulating him to get back with her because " you're his friend too and good at convincing people and how dare he dump me; no one dumps me, I dump them". She starts saying that she identifies with Amy from "Gone Girl" and talks to our other friends and classmates about how in love she is and in pain from heartbreak. She talks to Dean's friends to help her, cries in front of them till they comfort her, flirts with them and when they leave promising to talk to Dean about it, she starts talking about how hot they were and once Dean gets back with her, she'll dump him and show him who's the boss. Rachel starts acting really possessive about me and wont accept that I have other friends that I spend my time with. Her behavior starts scaring me a little so I placate her and say that a break is good for them and maybe she should take a little time to think about what she really wants from the relationship. But she says her ego is hurt and cant let this go and starts emotionally blackmailing Dean saying that he is the father of the child in her and that he is trying to shirk his responsibilities and involved most of our friends in it. I start getting very uncomfortable with how both of them are acting and talk to our other friends about it for help when she starts threatening with suicide and self harm because things like this are triggers for me and I cant handle it on my own. This goes on till March when she starts talking about how she might need an abortion when Dean calls her and tells Rachel that he's interested in a girl and that he's going to ask the girl out but he didnt want Rachel to be surprised so he's giving her a heads up because he's nice like that. She starts screaming at me about how I didn't tell her that he was interested in some other girl and that its all my fault and that I was sabotaging their relationship because I'm secretly in love with Dean and to stay out of her life. I get a panic attack because of that and start cutting myself again. I stop speaking to Rachel and talk to my other friends about it thinking that maybe I did do something wrong by not helping them get back together even though I thought I was right and they said that Dean and Rachel's relationship was not my fault and stopped me from blaming myself. Rachel acts very passive aggressively, telling her friends and our classmates that I'm a b**** who left her when she really needed me. She convinces Dean to stay with her because now she has no one for support in this 'difficult time'. I'm trying not to break because the 2 people who called themselves my best friends not only stopped talking to me, used their knowledge of my depression to make me do things for them by emotionally harassing me and turned most of our common friends against me. There were maybe 4 people out of our 12 friends who would even look at me anymore. So I ended up relying more on my other friends who weren't friends with Rachel and Dean than before and ended up telling them everything when I was close to a breakdown. They helped me get through it and convinced me to work for our exams ans forget about the incident. We're on our summer break right now and after months of having no contact, Dean texts me accusing me of telling other people their private things. This hurt me a lot because even the friends that I'd told things about already knew what was going on with Rachel either from her or her other friends. The very reason I'd decided to trust them to tell me if I was in the wrong and my experiences with Dean and Rachel were because they already knew about things going on with them. But because of Dean and Rachel's constant accusations I keep doubting myself. I am someone who prides myself on being able to critically analyse myself and be able to admit it when I have done something wrong and try to make it right. But this whole experience has been very traumatizing for me and I need to at least make peace with my actions (wrong or right) and move on before I get back to university next week. I need to be confident on my analysis of my actions as right or wrong. At times I believe that I was justified in my actions even if it might not have been the best way to go about it. But sometimes I keep blaming myself for everything. Can you help me? Did I betray Rachel and Dean? Am I a bad person?
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Type: Question • Score: 6 • Views: 1,394 • Replies: 15

 
Pearlylustre
 
  4  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 06:17 am
@natasha12,
No, not learning how to write in paragraphs doesn't really make you a bad person but I hope you haven't been paying too much in school fees.
Ragman
 
  0  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 06:32 am
@natasha12,
Quote:
...I am someone who prides myself on being able to critically analyse myself ...

I'm not reading all that. It's too tedious. It reads like a giant, mumbling stream-of-consciousness rant.

How about critiquing you're own writing efforts. Consider making it readable for a forum and put it in a format that has paragraphs so someone would want to help you.

Other than that, how's the weather in Poland?
Vernon of Prague
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 06:33 am
@Pearlylustre,
I think person here might suffer of some mental issues according to what he wrote.

Maybe the good choice for you would be address some specialist in this matter? I am afraid public forum might not be a best choice in this case. Try enotalone maybe?
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 08:00 am
@natasha12,
I skimmed it.

They made you a part of their relationship and then got angry when you had the audacity to look for some outside guidance to deal with their over the top dramatic crap.

You're fine. They're jerks. Once school ends, you will likely never hear from either of them again, and that will make you a far happier person.
ehBeth
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 08:16 am
@natasha12,
natasha12 wrote:

I go to a law university where the community is very tightly knit and because we live in close contact all the time in the hostels, everyone is sort of in each others business.

I am a pretty friendly person with varied interests and I am friends with different people in different groups. I had 3 friends whom I would hang out with most of the time (a girl and 2 guys). Mostly because the girl (lets call her rachel) and one of the guys (call him dean) were interested in each other and his best friend tagged along (and I started being friends with her because we liked the same tv shows mostly). The guy's best friend would rarely hang out with us, usually just when we go to a pub or something.

And this is when we were 18.

We are from a pretty conservative society where any pre-marital relationship is kind of taboo, so we dont have the whole "casual dating" thing. So rachel and dean decided the best way to get to know each other before they become 'boyfriend and girlfriend' was to have study dates with me so that it wasnt an actual date because someone else was there (me) but they'd still spend time with each other.

So all this is in the first month of university, like a month since all of us met for the first time. Now Dean asks me if he should ask out Rachel and I knew she wanted him to and so I said that yeah, she seems interested go for it.

They start dating, its all sunshine and rainbows until a year later she loses her virginity to him and then the fighting starts for really stupid reasons like he hasnt texted in the last hour or that she called him when he was talking to someone, things like that.

I try to stay away from taking sides because they're both my friends and its none of my business.

They start having an on-off relationship which is very confusing and tiresome.

Then they start getting angry at me for not solving their problems and "mediating their relationship" since I know both sides. I told them that their relationship is not something that I had to or wanted to be involved in and they are the ones who should be working on it.

Dean's best friend stops coming to hang when we go out of our campus and I constantly ended up having to stop Dean and Rachel from making a scene when we are out in public.

Then there's the time that Rachel thought she was pregnant and it was a bad time for all of us, especially because she came from a political family and their relationship soured even more.

Now while all this is going on with them, my depression (that I had since high school) was getting worse, I started developing self-harming tendencies, I went from being an all A's class topper to someone who barely passed my classes, my parents were emotionally abusive, and mental ailments are not considered "real sickness" in my community so I was basically muddling through all of it on my limited knowledge through the internet.

And while I'm curled up in my room trying not to add another scar to my collection, they keep trying to involve me in their fights, starts using me as an excuse, when she dumps him over a fight for not paying enough attention to her.

Dean calls me with threats of committing suicide if Rachel doesnt take him back and after a lot of grovelling from him, they start their on -off relationship again. Things start getting more complicated; they both cheat and they both suspect that the other person did but dont know for sure, start flirting with others in front of each other. We're almost done with 3 years of university when Dean dumps Rachel saying that he cant keep up with her jealousy and constant need for attention and that he needs to concentrate on his studies; this is in January. They hook up one night and Rachel thinks she's pregnant again though she'd taken the morning after pill. Rachel comes up to me and asks me to help her get him back and aid her into manipulating him to get back with her because " you're his friend too and good at convincing people and how dare he dump me; no one dumps me, I dump them". She starts saying that she identifies with Amy from "Gone Girl" and talks to our other friends and classmates about how in love she is and in pain from heartbreak. She talks to Dean's friends to help her, cries in front of them till they comfort her, flirts with them and when they leave promising to talk to Dean about it, she starts talking about how hot they were and once Dean gets back with her, she'll dump him and show him who's the boss. Rachel starts acting really possessive about me and wont accept that I have other friends that I spend my time with. Her behavior starts scaring me a little so I placate her and say that a break is good for them and maybe she should take a little time to think about what she really wants from the relationship. But she says her ego is hurt and cant let this go and starts emotionally blackmailing Dean saying that he is the father of the child in her and that he is trying to shirk his responsibilities and involved most of our friends in it.

I start getting very uncomfortable with how both of them are acting and talk to our other friends about it for help when she starts threatening with suicide and self harm because things like this are triggers for me and I cant handle it on my own.

This goes on till March when she starts talking about how she might need an abortion when Dean calls her and tells Rachel that he's interested in a girl and that he's going to ask the girl out but he didnt want Rachel to be surprised so he's giving her a heads up because he's nice like that.

She starts screaming at me about how I didn't tell her that he was interested in some other girl and that its all my fault and that I was sabotaging their relationship because I'm secretly in love with Dean and to stay out of her life.

I get a panic attack because of that and start cutting myself again. I stop speaking to Rachel and talk to my other friends about it thinking that maybe I did do something wrong by not helping them get back together even though I thought I was right and they said that Dean and Rachel's relationship was not my fault and stopped me from blaming myself. Rachel acts very passive aggressively, telling her friends and our classmates that I'm a b**** who left her when she really needed me.

She convinces Dean to stay with her because now she has no one for support in this 'difficult time'. I'm trying not to break because the 2 people who called themselves my best friends not only stopped talking to me, used their knowledge of my depression to make me do things for them by emotionally harassing me and turned most of our common friends against me.

There were maybe 4 people out of our 12 friends who would even look at me anymore. So I ended up relying more on my other friends who weren't friends with Rachel and Dean than before and ended up telling them everything when I was close to a breakdown.


They helped me get through it and convinced me to work for our exams ans forget about the incident. We're on our summer break right now and after months of having no contact, Dean texts me accusing me of telling other people their private things. This hurt me a lot because even the friends that I'd told things about already knew what was going on with Rachel either from her or her other friends. The very reason I'd decided to trust them to tell me if I was in the wrong and my experiences with Dean and Rachel were because they already knew about things going on with them. But because of Dean and Rachel's constant accusations I keep doubting myself.

I am someone who prides myself on being able to critically analyse myself and be able to admit it when I have done something wrong and try to make it right. But this whole experience has been very traumatizing for me and I need to at least make peace with my actions (wrong or right) and move on before I get back to university next week. I need to be confident on my analysis of my actions as right or wrong. At times I believe that I was justified in my actions even if it might not have been the best way to go about it. But sometimes I keep blaming myself for everything. Can you help me? Did I betray Rachel and Dean? Am I a bad person?




ok that took a while

you're not a bad person

the thing you might want to take from all of this is to not stay involved with people like this for so long - and don't lie for them. being their cover back in 1st year was a bad idea - and things got worse from there.

stay away from them in the future - and don't get caught up in other people's bullshit

don't worry about sorting out other people's crap. don't ask others how to help them.

bow out. step back. move away.

take care of yourself

natasha12
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 10:51 am
@ehBeth,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read this long thing. I guess I ended up ranting. And thank you for the advice. Definitely not making the mistake of getting involved again with anybody like this.
0 Replies
 
natasha12
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 10:52 am
@jespah,
Thank you for the advice. Smile
0 Replies
 
natasha12
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 10:55 am
@Ragman,
Sorry. But I guess I was ranting. And I've never used a platform like this before. I think I just got upset and just started writing/ranting. I'll make edits and try to make it less tedious. Thanks for the advice! Smile
natasha12
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 10:59 am
@Vernon of Prague,
Thank you for being concerned. I'm sorry that my issues may be of concern but it is not the focus of my issue here; I merely wanted to show that it was a factor that played into the problem for me. The reason I decided to use this forum was so that I could know what a 'normal' person might think of thee situation. Thank you for taking the time to read it and for your advice. Smile
0 Replies
 
Ragman
 
  0  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 11:03 am
@natasha12,
Sorry for being so blunt. I tried to read it honestly. you got some good advice there. Good luck with this stuff. You're trying to help others...that's very conscientious. Sometimes people take advantage of that out of their self-absorption.
natasha12
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 11:05 am
@Pearlylustre,
Not really. And I realise that I had posted a long rant which was pretty much unhelpful for others to even read. But I crossed the time I was allowed to edit the post in. I'll be sure to keep this in mind from now on though.
0 Replies
 
natasha12
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 11:09 am
@Ragman,
Don't be, I came here hoping that I get honest opinions from people who gain nothing from being nice to me. And it is helpful to learn about things I'm doing wrong whatever the context maybe. [Also the knowing the fact that you were not trying to be just plain mean also helps Smile ]
Ragman
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 11:12 am
@natasha12,
I wish you the best. Too bad your friends aren't more aware and considerate. You're a better friend than they deserve.
jespah
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 11:44 am
@Ragman,
What he said ^
0 Replies
 
PUNKEY
 
  1  
Reply Sat 6 Jun, 2015 04:36 pm
You got overly involved with two very dysfunctional, immature people and you allowed them to drag you down & sideways - and YOU ask if YOU are a bad person? That's something that a co-dependent personality would ask. (Look it up)

Unless you have better judgement skills and learn to pick your friends more carefully, you will repeat this same scenario with other friends and future boyfriends.

I ask you this: If you were not around, would the situation have been on iota different? Did you really change anything between these two nut cases?

I'm being harsh on you, but for your own good. You will end up with an abusive spouse if you don't get some self esteem and learn to shed off toxic people in your life.
0 Replies
 
 

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