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Sat 1 Mar, 2003 02:31 pm
Looks like French jokes may replace Polish & blonde jokes for the
decade. Anyone care to start a trend and join with these submissions?
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From Canard, France's weekly anti-American newspaper:
"France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
Reason: Last night's display caused soldiers at a nearby French army
garrison to surrender."
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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your
accordion."
- Donald Rumsfeld - Actually this was a Ross Perot quote during the
first gulf war.
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If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must first
convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles.
- Comedian on the Tonight Show
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Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in
the air?
A: The French army, of course."
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows& No French man has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy....
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A: It's a white cross on a white background
Q: Where do you find 60million French jokes?
A: In France.
Q: Whats the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from
behind.
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Jay Leno says it's no surprise the French won't help us get Saddam
Hussein out of Iraq. They didn't help us get Germany out of France,
either. Still, it's essential for them to join us in the war against
Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
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Jay Leno, a few summers ago:
"France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French
government is advising its citizens to "stay indoors and do nothing".
You know, like they did in WWII...."
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In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of
NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil
President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk:
Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!
So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove
all U S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers
buried in France from World War I and World War II.
DeGaulle never answered.
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Something to ponder:
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered
a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it
will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is
large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth
forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send
all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among
the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used
to fight the war on terror overseas.
As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late on the night of
the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the
morning?
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Come on now. Give the French a break. After all they did win the
French Revolutionary War
... but then again they were fighting the French.
cicerone, have you thought of leaving your status residence in the valley and taking a job with the current adminsitration? you'd fit in rather well.
Gala, I love my retirement too much!
c.i.
oh, but cicerone, think of the service you would be providing this great country. you would be assisting in making the U.S., the only remaining super-power, more reviled around the world. just think, you already have a head start with other countries disliking America. you'd just be advancing the cause.
Humor with cruel intent does not amuse me.
Gala, I think you are mistaking this joke with my sentiment against GWBush and his war against Iraq. Please visit the political forums that talks to the issues. REPEAT: This is a JOKE forum. Thx, c.i.
i still say we should boycott Velveta and buy Brie. after all good taste is timeless.
cicerone, i am not mistaking anything. and i'm not interested in visiting the political forums. the fact is, the french have been getting some bad press from the ulra-conservatives because of their refusal to back america in their foam-at the-mouth desire to go to war. and, yes, i know this is a joke forum, but it is also a forum with 900 plus members and rapidly growing, in other words, it's open to the public. why don't you find some dumb american jokes instead? that would actually be amusing.
Isn't it possible to manufacture Brie-like cheeses in the USA?
americas definition of sexual foreplay "Hey, you awake?"
dyslexia, that's a good one
thanks phoenix, some of these are really funny. better to poke fun at your own.
Some American Jokes.
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"DUMB BLONDE" JOKES
Four blondes were driving to Disneyland one day, when they saw a sign on the freeway that said: "Disneyland---Left". So, they turned around and went home.
A blonde girl went to the beauty salon for a haircut. The hairdresser said, "OK, but I won't be able to cut your hair until you take off those headphones you're wearing." The girl was mortified and refused. After arguing with her about it for a long time, the hairdresser finally persuaded the girl to take her headphones off. Just as the hairdresser started to cut her hair, the blonde girl suddenly fell out of the chair--dead! The hairdresser had no idea why this happened, so he picked up the headphones to listen to them, hoping that this would give him a clue as to why the blonde girl had died. He heard: "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out..."
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FOOTBALL JOKES
One day, a policeman was driving down the street, when he came upon a baby bear who was crying. He asked the bear, "Why are you crying? Are you lost? Where do you live?" "My parents are divorced", said the little bear, "so, sometimes I live with my daddy, and sometimes I live with my mommy." "OK", said the policeman,"What if I took you to your father's house?" "NO!", said the bear. "I don't want to go there! He beats me!" "Really?", said the policeman, "then I'll take you to your mother's house." "NO!", said the bear. "I don't want to go there! She beats me!" "Well, then", said the policeman, "Where DO you want to go?" "Take me to see the Chicago Bears", said the little bear. "They don't beat ANYBODY!"
What's the difference between a deer lying dead on the side of the road, and Deion Sanders lying dead on the side of the road? The deer has skid marks on it.
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MISCELLANEOUS JOKES
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Gala, Actually these jokes should go under GW Bush jokes, but I'll post them here for you, so you won't miss them.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/cs/georgewbush/
Enjoy! c.i.
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