HAPPY ST PAT'S DAY AND A CARD TO SEE

The Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all
this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to
let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little
tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a
prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur
coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings
account certificate for $5 million. For my little brother, this gold
Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the
Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend
New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! .. Sniff,
sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girl! I thought you
said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Try this link. http://www.jacquielawson.com/viewcard.asp?code=MZ20670953

An Irish man is sittin in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down, and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman... The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman, and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!"
And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were sayin."

Happy St.Patricks!






What do you call a Kerryman on a bicycle?

A dope peddler.

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A Kerryman was suffering from pains in his knees, so he visited the doctor.

"You're suffering from a disease that we medical experts call "kneeitis", said the doctor. "Take it easy for a month or so and above all don't climb any stairs. That puts a terrible strain on the knees."

A month later the Kerryman returned and after a brief examination was found to have recovered completely.

"Can I climb the stairs now Doctor?"

"Certainly," replied the Doctor.

"Thank Heavens," said the Kerryman, "I was getting a bit browned off climbing up the drainpipe every time I wanted to go to the toilet."

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How do you recognize a Kerry pirate?

He's got a patch over each eye.

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Two Kerryman went on a holiday to France and stayed at a country farmhouse. They were disgusted to find that everybody in France, even the kids, spoke French.

One morning they were awoken by a cock crowing.

"Do you know," said one Kerryman to the other, "That's the first word of English we've heard spoken since we arrived!"

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A fellow walked into a bar in Dublin and asked the barman if he had heard the latest Kerryman joke,
"I'm warning you," said the barman, "I'm a Kerryman myself."
"That's allright," said the fellow, "I'll tell it slowly."

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A man hired a Kerryman as an assistant to take phone calls. One day the phone rang and when the Kerryman answered he hung up immediately.

"Who was that?" asked his boss.

"Some fool saying it was a long distance from New York. I told him everybody knew that."

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A Kerryman attended a concert where a ventriloquist who fancied himself as a comedian told about twenty Kerryman jokes in a row.

"Look," shouted the Kerryman, standing up in the audience, "I'm fed up being insulted by all these jokes. We're not as stupid as you make out."

"Please sit down sir & be calm," said the ventriloquist, "after all it's only a joke, and don't tell me that Kerrymen haven't got a sense of humor."

"I'm not talking to you good sir ," said the Kerryman, "I'm talking to the little fellow on your knee..."

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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.

Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

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The New Priest

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Here in Sunnyvale, California, we have two Irish pubs on Murphy Avenue. Kinda neat, heh? Both are having entertainment today, and we're told both will be crowded by this evening.

The "Get the Drunk Home" Game.

Try this and see how far you can keep this drunk man up. Good Luck!

You just move you mouse left to right (no clicking) to keep him

walking in a straight line.

The object of the game is to keep him walking, without falling over,

by moving your mouse from left to right or right to left - you can't

see your mouse, which makes it more difficult.

Apparently the record is 90 meters! Love the sound effects. It's in German.

CLICK ON THE HYPERLINK BELOW TO PLAY - BOTTOM'S UP!

http://www.wagenschenke.ch

What your link proved to me is; don't drink and drive - or don't drink and walk. LOL

I'm glad you liked it c.i. I thought it was pretty funny.