Im falling apart and so is my house and i need some advice please...

Reply Sun 9 Sep, 2018 01:26 am
To start off, im 22, female, and stopped going to college in favor of moving out.

My mom has been staying out a lot because she's been having an affair with multiple men. I say 'affair' because she's married. Its....i mean idk how to feel honestly. I mean she married the guy who assaulted me as a kid (she married him AFTER he went to prison for it) and all this time (about 10 years) ive just had to pretend like it doesnt bother me that she calls him every day, talks to him in front if me, and sends him money. Ive learned talking to her doesnt change stuff so i dont. I put off working so i could finish college but ive realized that moving out is priority. So im working to move out first and then i can finally sort out my life. As i get older, and stay in the same home, and see her every day, the harder it is to repress what i feel, and the more i realize i dont KNOW how to deal with what i feel. Especially since she constantly acts like I'm the cause of her suffering and that everything i make at my job is payment for it.

Now she's having an affair with multiple men. Its just disgusting times *two.* i dont even really know how to feel about it. She threw away my love/trust in favor of the guy who raped me as a kid, and now the whole thing doesn't even matter. she shouldnt be married to him ANYWAY, but the fact that she's having multiple men now has just proven she doesn't care about anyone AT ALL but herself...it just makes my stomach turn. My sister is already thinking about moving in with her bf and his parents because she doesn't want to live here anymore. my MOM basically doesn't even live here she's moved a lot of her clothes to one of the men's houses. I told my sister to just move out and live with her bf and his parents if she can. Mainly because i cant take care of a 16 year old girl by myself; she tried to run out of the house and kill herself when her and her boyfriend got into a fight. As much as i try to take care of the both of us...im 22 and am unfit to deal with a teenaged girl by myself.... She needs a house with actual PARENTS in it.

Im looking for affordable housing and a second job so i can leave. It wouldnt be so bad if my mom didnt badger me so much and act like such a BITCH, as if im the source of all her problems. she self-pitys herself so much that anytime i try to confront her she either screams at me, cries, or tries to act like IM the crazy/unreasonable one. And i always just let her because idk WHERE the hell my self-esteem and confidence has gone. she firmly believes that since shes been lonely waiting for her 'husband' to get out of jail that its okay for her to act the way she does. In her mind, everyone owes her because she's suffering. So anytime i dont give her my money, im an "ungrateful child being unfair to a suffering, hard-working mother."

She doesnt even give a **** about me anymore now that she's seeing men. It just makes me so sick, how much i hate my own mother; i don't even wish we had a better relationship because i cant picture ever fixing a 10-year scar this deep. i can't...i dont even know what to do to make moving out go faster. it's just getting harder and harder to just...******* be alive every day. I just....im just so lost and have no place to go. I guess what im asking is...what do i do? How do i make this go faster? Where should i start?
Reply Sun 9 Sep, 2018 07:55 am
  1. Keep your money. Don't tell her you have any. Claim you spent it all.
  2. Be kind to your sister as life is harder for her (because she can't see the escape coming up, whereas you can).
  3. Keep your head down and make a plan. This means finding a roommate because it will make housing more affordable. Try a local college, even if you don't go there, because often people are looking for roommates. This time of year in particular they are, but they can be looking nearly any month.
  4. Find ways to stay out of the house unless you need to eat, shower, or sleep. This means either working extra hours or going to a cheap entertainment like the library until closing hours.
  5. Find a trusted adult to confide in, someone in person. Lots of people are nice here but we aren't where you are. And you need someone local who can help you find a place to live and/or just be a sounding board.
  6. And, hang in there. As time passes, you'll have more money saved up and your sister will be older. Perhaps she'll be able to easily come with you, when it's time to go.
Reply Wed 19 Sep, 2018 02:09 pm
Ive been trying to do what you suggested but then some...hiccups came up. They took our washing machine last week (its rented) and now today i discovered we have no water. I called my mom and she (at her new boyfriend's house when she's supposed to be at work) said that we have to pay it ourselves by 3pm. (Its past that now). She told me to ask my little sister to pay it. Of course she said no; that would be all her money and we have no food. She started painting nails for people because she needs money and she cant work for many hours because of school.

I told my mom that she said no. I also told her that i know she lied about being at work because i could hear a tv in the background and she sounded like she was asleep. She got mad and asked why did i care, and i told her the reasons im mad at her. Then she said i just get mad at everything she does. The rest of the coversation went like this:

Her: You're just going to be mad at whatever i do no matter what i do
Me: you dont even try to take responsibility for the stuff you do; the money, the lies, none of it! You just run away from it.
Her: itsallmyfaultimsorry.
Me: what are you saying??
Her: what do you WANT me to say?
Me: You dont even BELIEVE that youre at fault here you're just saying what you think i want to hear so ill shut up.
Her: well im tired of trying to make everyone happy
Me: what??? When did--!
Her: im not gonna argue with you it just makes us mad. You're mad at me and you're just gonna have to stay mad at me. So you just live your life and ill live my life.

My sister is stubborn to stay at the house because she doesnt want to leave just yet but im imploring her to stay with her boyfriend's family until i can figure something out. Part of me blames myself. I ******* 22 i shouldn't be so broke, i shouldn't have went to school in the first place i shouldve just went and got a job right after highschool instead of relying on my mom until i finished college; im an idiot for thinking i could depend on her when i never could, and at the same time im an adult i shouldve saved more or something instead of this.

Im sorry im just really distraught. I mean 3 weeks with no water...im gonna have to buy jugs again or something....and its not like it effects my mom shes moved all of her clothes and stuff to his house and she never sets foot in here aside from in the morning to take my sis to school. And she claims she's going to stop doing that soon too.
Reply Mon 24 Sep, 2018 03:39 am
I'm sorry to hear this. Be strong. That's my first advice. Things get steeper when you're trying to climb up. I agree with saving your money. Start saying NO. This is terrible and harsh but you have to learn it. Your mom will be furious and it might be catastrophic but learn it. That's the only way you can come up with enough money to move out. Talk to TRUSTED friends. Don't keep your stash of money at home where your mom can find it and be gone.
Reply Mon 24 Sep, 2018 06:30 am
Oh shoot, I'm sorry I missed this until now.

I take it the utilities are in your mother's name and not in yours. Because if they are in your (or your sister's) name, then you'll have issues later with nonpayment. Your mother doesn't seem to give a damn about her credit rating (or about anything else, for that matter), and so it's all the same to her. But for you, a decent personal credit rating can mean the difference between getting loans or an apartment or even a job, or not. Don't let her sweet talk you into taking on the bills and putting them in your name. Keep them in hers, no matter where she lives.

I'm not a doctor but it sounds to me like your mother is depressed if not out and out mentally ill. She's certainly checked out of all responsibilities for both you and your sister. At some point, you may even want to call CPS for your sister, as your mother is clearly neglecting her. But I confess I'm unsure how much priority they will put on a situation with a teenager who's being neglected but not abused. As you can imagine, a toddler being abused is probably going to be the priority there, and resources are always stretched thin.

Don't beat yourself up about your choices or about how much you have or haven't saved by now. Lots of people your age don't have much if any savings so you're not alone in that.

Either way, it's long past time to look for other accommodations and to keep your money separate -- and your sister should at the very least get her own bank account and keep the passwords to herself.

I'm sorry you're both being forced to grow up super fast. Your mother, as you know, is not doing you any favors in this area.
Reply Wed 26 Sep, 2018 08:18 pm
I never have any paper money on me because of her. EVER. She's not above stealing, since my sister's nail clients pay in bills and she's had a couple go missing. (I helped my sister relocate her money in the house so my mom wont find it again. Its hers and she earned it.)

Saying no to my mom is hard. She's decided that we owe her 25 a week (me 50 every two weeks since im paid bi-weekly) to help with 'bills' my sister and I both know that money will go absolutely nowhere but in her pocket, so my sis refuses to do it. I haven't given any to her either, but my mom is aware im not as bull-headed as my sister and CAN cave if she gives a seemingly reasonable argument. (And how she'll become a whirlwind of vengence if i dont do it)

but im trying to teach myself that no matter how logical her arguments seem at the time, she's just lying to me as usual, and i always end up regretting falling for it. It is really hard, but, i will try not to give her anything.
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Reply Wed 26 Sep, 2018 08:42 pm
The utilites arent in my name, i know that would be bad. she's in a mountain of debt from trying to weasel her way out of paying for things. She did try to make me put the cable in my name but i refused because I'D get into trouble for it, not her. So we don't have cable. She blames me but oh well.

And i believe you are right, my mom is clearly depressed and i believe its partly because of her family (who all inherited mental problems from their mentally ill father) and all are pretty selfish and self-harming in one way or another. But i think its mainly because of what happened when i was assulted by her boyfriend as a child; he was her highschool crush, and she really wanted to be in his family which in general are much more of a family than hers is.

Me getting assaulted ruined that for her, and i recall during the entire investigation she withdrew from me, except to badger me for evidence so she could see if he could get less time somehow by finding holes in my story. it was then i realized that when the chips are down, she instinctfully looks out for herself. Plus she made herself miserable by marrying him and not moving on. Now she's just checked out of this life altogether, having an affair to tide her over while also still planning to marry him when he's out. (Which is 5 years from now)

I understand her depression but i dont sympathize with her desicions. Once a parent has a discussion about how we all need life insurance and only stresses having it on YOU AND YOUR SISTER you start to realize that maybe sympathy would be wasted. (I dont see her trying to murder us, but the fact that she's thought about the insurance on us if we died is unsettling.)

And i have thought of calling CPS for my sister but as you said there's no real urgency or priority for a neglected teen since she's in no immediate danger. Right now she's staying at my Aunt's house for the week and while my aunt is far from being a capable parent its a step up from my mom. At least someone will feed her, its a safe house, my sis knows the neighborhood very well, and people will care if she's THERE. if my sis decides to live there permanently it will make things easier for us both. She said she's considering it.

And i thank you for the sympathy; i don't think i was ready for this kind of thing to happen and now im scrambling to do right by myself and my sister.
Reply Thu 27 Sep, 2018 01:01 am
0 Replies
Reply Thu 27 Sep, 2018 06:38 am
You are exceptionally strong, dealing with all of this and not going to pieces. Kudos - seriously - you are moving boulders while so many of the rest of us are just kicking some dust.

And hopefully your sister will live with your aunt, at least for the school year when she (your sister) won't be home as much and would be in more danger of being stolen from by your mother.
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