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Sat 1 Sep, 2018 05:09 am
Now I'm sure that all I need, is for just somebody to tell me something that I already know, but with the importance of it being said by somebody that isn't myself.
I have several acquaintances in my life. Three instances of them in particular are a problem. I've long since faced one fact in particular: Something needs to change.
Now the first instance is the most intimate and personal to me. There's this guy I once dated (I myself am also a guy), that I was just, not into. But he was, and still very much is, VERY into me. Things de-escalated from potential relationship, to potential friends-with-benefits, to just friends. But throughout all of this, he has made it obvious that he wants my love. I was the first one he dated, ever, and I've hung around him a lot. We have similar interests, and we enjoy the same things. What started to get me uncomfortable, was all the incessant flirting and pickup lines and cheeky comments. I've since the start, given him one heartbreak of 'breaking up' even though we weren't in a relationship, because I was the only one of us two that noticed that the attitude of holding hands and all of the other things we had in our attitude, was practically a relationship in and of itself, and people were just waiting for us to become "official", which made me only grimace...
His attitude has since picked up again, as he regained confidence, and keeps being flirty and witty in flirty fashions. Now I could do something as simple as just tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, but I also run the risk of hurting his sensitive softie heart. Right now, he's happy, and going through troubling things. I'd sincerely hate to take that away from him.
My other individual is a online person, crediting me of being their best friend. I've done quite a bit of online roleplays in my time, in Dungeons and Dragons and more relaxed manners on sites akin to Facebook, where all the roleplays were Slice of Life, and this person in particular really grew close to me in the sense that I've always liked helping people, and this person really felt like they experienced a real life, a happy life with friendships, that they themselves don't have.
Now the issue comes with that this person is a person setting up a lot of illusions around themselves. They're not comfortable sharing their details about themselves or doing Skype calls or any such thing, and don't want to share their Steam account name. I don't even know if this person is the girl they pretend to be, but without ranting of a long, long list of reasons to why I think the person MIGHT be the girl they say they are... I just feel like it doesn't really matter, in the end. This person's almost always turns in the more romantic aspects of Slice of Life. And though I'm not really against doing those, I have EVERY reason to think that the person is investing themselves into their part of the roleplay. And honestly, at one point it started getting me invested into mine. But here is this person, I have genuine interest in friendship-wise, who wants to keep roleplaying as much as possible, who pokes and prods for more, when I'm not feeling like it, who simultaneously wants no part in sharing real-life details of themselves. It's easy for me to feel... Deflated over it, a certain air of hopelessness whenever I think about it. It's zapping me of what little energy that I have, on days where I have very little energy as it is.
And my third dilemma is in fact some that I live with. I live with three people, all of which aren't very proactively pursuing anything in their own lives, and it's greatly affecting my personal habits, I've come to realize. One, has a personal meltdown when luck is against him, or if luck fortunes somebody else over him. He's a virgin but he's a nice guy, still, his rapturous attitude means he doesn't easily agree to join others in much. The 2nd guy is the 1st guy's best friend, who keeps talking and playing videogames with him a lot. This one has the most stable job of the household, and is super nice to grab a beer with, but he doesn't want to do much at all, if it leaves out guy number 1. And nr3 has asbergers, same as nr1 does, but his issue is absolutely not in locking himself in. Rather, it's that despite his many good virtues, and genuine interest in being the best that he can be, conversations with him moves at a third of the speed it does with other people, as he stops and re-starts his sentences all the time and searches for words he's looking for, for 10 seconds. He's very sweet, but he doesn't do his dishes much, and it's just disheartening to stick around the household with this trio of people whom I don't feel I can rely on for much. It's -me- that gets girls, it's -me- that gets lots of friends, and they're just sitting around in the house, most of the time, when they're not working.
These three groups of people, are my 1st, 2nd, and 3rd most important sources of social interaction. In a way it's ironic, because all three of them makes me want to just disconnect from the world, and go solo. And when I lie down in bed and think about it... I just turn the light off.
In a way it's not so much that they're important to ME that is the issue.
It's that -I- am so important to -them-...
And more than anything, I hate giving people pain. Such as letting go of them, would provide. I care about them, but in a way, I wonder if I would've been better off without them.
To deal with this for a week is no issue at all. To have it as my future, is... Uncomfortable to say the least.
@Jorgen95,
It's so hard to be loved.
Sorry, that was harsh.
First off, the guy who's mooning over you? You need to be a helluva lot firmer or start blocking him. It's for his own good. Make it crystal clear a relationship is never, ever going to be on the table. And now you know what women deal with. All. The. Time.
Say no, mean it, and don't get into situations where he can pretend that actually means maybe.
As for your online pal, I don't see the issue there. Not everyone wants to share everything online. Some people put on a persona and they don't want to take it off. It's their right. Don't push it unless you actually want to do more than flirt with this person. If you do, then push for details. They should be forthcoming if someone wants a relationship. If details aren't forthcoming, then that's what the block button is for. But I would instead suggest you just step back from the flirting and see what happens. There's nothing wrong with just being acquaintances with the people you game with. It never has to become something more.
And as for your housemates? Welcome to the wonderful world of communal living. People have had roommate problems since Cain and Abel. For your Aspie roommates, a chore schedule, clearly laid out and displayed where all can see (and also sent to their phones) could be the way to go. Monday, roommate #1 takes out the trash. Tuesday, roommate #2 cleans the kitchen.Wednesday, roommate #3 cleans the bathrooms. Thursday, you vacuum. Friday - Sunday are days off. Then in week 2, move everyone up or back a day so maybe you get the Monday trash chore or you get the Wednesday bathroom chore or whatever.
@jespah,
Thank you for the genuine reply.
In a way, I honestly thought I'd only get hints and suggestions that I had already thought out beforehand, but one thing in particular struck me as a new thought in particular; to not let the first guy linger in a 'maybe' zone, that would feed his love-sickness. Thanks especially for that, because it's changing my view on the situation!
As for my housemates, I suppose it's more of a 'icing on the cake' kind of thing where just writing it out was help in itself, that not all that much needed to get done. What I mean by that is that the chore-problem isn't too big in itself, it's it's nearing a conclusion. The bigger problem has just been for me, to realize that this complete picture that I've painted, accounts for almost all of my social life. And that even my closest acquaintances, aren't even that close to me.
But, I guess just, spending more time with -other- people would help to not get as fed up with them, no?
And for the 2nd situation, there's a lot of things I've not let on, superficial details. What I should probably mention though, is that I've also been this person's lifeline for how a real relationship would've felt like. They actively pursue those kinds of relationship-roleplays with their characters, each with their own situation in life. To block those kinds of RPs, would possibly be to turn away all of them. And if I am to believe that person for what they tell me and how much time they spend with me throughout say, a month, I'd say I might in fact be this person's best friend.
It makes me wonder if this person wants a relationship, doesn't have it, keeps themselves in this weird limbo with getting their 'fix' through their characters, because they feel themselves too hopeless to pursue that kind of human contact and affection in real life. It's like I'm their lifeline, and they have on several occasions given me this impression.
And what I'm sitting with in the end then is... A person that really, REALLY wants to keep these kinds of experiences going, to experience affection through roleplays with me, but simultaneously wants no kind of contact, face to face. They might be three penguins stacked inside of a trench coat for all I know. Or just... Somebody that aren't 'them', behind the keyboard, asking me to be there for them.
Now what I'm about to say does sound extremely serious, and it might be, but it's not like, something I see becoming a problem, but they've stated themselves, that if I were to break off ALL contact with them, then they wouldn't know what to do. It's like... Every person needs to feel like a human, right? People need to feel loved, and appreciated. This person doesn't know what they'd do, if I stopped supplying them with that. And at the same time, they don't want to let me get to know them. I can't be their personal friend. But they want all the benefits anyways. It's frustrating...
Though that is also partly just me whining.
Again, thank you for your reply anyways.
@Jorgen95,
Okay, that crystallizes things better (thank you).
Good that the roomie situation isn't such a big deal. It's the biggest roommate move-in weekend of the year where I live so I suppose the angst is just in the air.
You never really know someone until you live with them.
Before I got married, I had a number of roommates in college and law school. My best roommates, I'll admit, were my friends. I still keep in touch with Deb, and we were roommates 1981 - 1982. But my second tier of roommates were people I got along with but we weren't pals. I'm not in touch with any of them anymore. But they were good, responsible people who did their share, paid their bills, and were nice to have around. And then there were horrible roommates. I still remember Patti telling me how lazy I was for not vacuuming every other day (something she didn't do, BTW) -- and I was a first-year law student, studying or in school, no lie, a good 8 - 12 hours. Every single day.
As for the online person. Understand one thing -- emotional blackmail is a lousy thing to get caught up in. And that's what the "I don't know what I would do." statement really is. If this person really wanted to be close, they would do exactly as you say, they would take off the veil or at least poke a few holes in it on occasion. But they aren't doing that. So they are creating what is a rather uneven situation. They want all of the benefits of friendship but without the burdens.
The price we pay for people listening to our problems is that we tell them our problems and they know them. We become vulnerable so that we can get comfort and advice from others. And the opposite is also true. The price we pay to keep our confidantes is we have to be their confidantes in turn. We sit in the advice-giving chair and we have to be the one to come up with a solution or be a sounding board, or maybe just the one to initiate the hug.
This person doesn't want to pay those prices. And at the same time, they are trying to emotionally blackmail you for pushing back.
You're not responsible for their mental health or their social life.
Jorden,
Study up on ‘emotional co- dependency.’
You life is revolving around others- most of them not able to help you grow, socially, emotionally or financially. And you are getting sucked in to their lives.
Also, consider getting your own place to live.
@jespah,
It is certainly something for me to consider, yes.
There's of course, always more details to any given situation, and even I can't account for the details to the perspective of the 'other person', but this definitely is good advise for me to consider. I appreciate it. And I'll work to see if I can better my situation.
Thanks for taking the time c:
@PUNKEY,
Yeah, in a way, getting a break from everyone so one can pick and choose their companions, is very ideal. I'll have it as a long-term goal. No way I can pursue it just yet. But it's definitely something for me to consider, how everyone around me affects me and such.
Thank you c:
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