Woman Can't Figure Out How To Leave Boyfriend Who Is A Psychopath. Any Advice?

If she's working, she needs to go to HR. I'm not kidding. In larger companies, they can make mental health references and in really big companies, they might even have someone on staff. She should also make sure that security never, ever lets the guy in and distribute his picture to people who might think they're being helpful by holding the door open. Or HR can do that.

I know it sounds weird, but if she works, that can be her means of escape, and a lot of larger work places will do their best to help. After all, in addition to wanting to help her, they don't want the guy coming in and shooting up the place and taking out a secretary in addition to this gal or instead of her.

If she doesn't have a job, then she can head to her doctor. Doctors have seen and heard it all before, and a lot of hospitals have means of helping people escape their abusers.

If neither of these are on the table, she needs to go to her house of worship if she has one. Again, it's a way to plan an escape away from home.

If none of these are options, there are the cops or her family or close friends. And if they are believing him over her, no matter what she says, then I don't know what to say. If I told my parents, my brother, etc. that I was in fear for my life from my husband (of course I'm not), they would believe me, 100%, the very first time.

Also - for any interactions you have with this woman, build her up. This man is undoubtedly tearing her down and making her question her intelligence, her sanity, and her judgment. Gaslighting is a pretty common technique used by abusers. Be a voice that tells her that she is competent, smart, sane, and makes good choices.

Good answers. I was thinking I should post back to her and ask if she has children. Would it change your advice if she does or does not?

I was also thinking, if she absolutely has no where to go, to simply take her kids, if any, and walk into the nearest police station, ( or hospital emergency room), and say that she is in fear of her life and go from there.

I like your idea of going to HR first if she is working better, but I mean as an absolute last resort, if there are no other options.

I keep thinking of this case that happened in this state decades ago. A cop was on trial for murdering his wife, and during the trial, believe it or not, he got a new girlfriend. He was acquitted of murdering his wife and eventually married his girlfriend. A few years later this girlfriend, now second wife, ends up dead. Her brother presents the cops with a letter she sent him not long before her death saying that she had accepted the fact that her husband was going to kill her eventually, probably sooner than later. I'm worried that this person might be going through that now.

Where do think “there” she would “go to” would be if she would walk into a police station or ER?

I understand your concern for this woman, but think ahead a little as to what might happen if she did either of the above.

If she walked into an ER, they would want to know how she was injured. If she’s not, they are not social services, a safe house or homeless shelter and i’m not sure they could or would help her with her situation.

If she goes to the police, they will ask her to file a report. A report of what? That he bugs her phone conversations? That he gets a crazy look in his eyes?

I’m not sure why you would consider going to her employers HR dept before randomly “simply walking into” a police station or hospital.” Honestly, that’s no plan at all, but doing something that could come back to haunt her. What if this husband finds out (and it seems that he would) she went to the police? Why do you think so many women don’t report abuse to the police? Because of what the abuser will do in retaliation.

If she goes to HR, they may access to networks that can help her, and will keep it confidential. Well, usually.

When someone is trying to form a plan to get away from a situation, it may be at the stage of just keeping your head down to minimize harm, and be on the lookout for opportunities to do something as small as saving some money, doing what she’s doing now by seeing what others did, etc. If she’s watching YouTube videos I hope she clearing her browser history. Although i’m Sure he can still find out and probably already knows what she’s doing.

It sounds like she’s getting some good advice and support from different sources. Do you think she’s not and that you are the one that needs to find the answer? I don’t mean that in a critical way. It’s how it appears to me when you come up with “go to the police and go from there”. That’s kinda not a plan either, but a Hail Mary pass against a player who is making all the rules, and changing them whenever he wants.

It’s very tricky to extricate from a life like this, and there’s no “simply” anything.

Unfortunately, she’s got to find her own path through her particular mine field.

I hope she does.

ESpecially if she cant get loose.

What I anticipated that if she went to the police station or ER that they would fix her up with an advocate on the spot. This is not the sixties, when police considered abuse complaints as marital discord for the couple to iron out. If she's afraid to go home, they might very well have a facility that they could send her to that day. I don't know for a fact that they would do this, but I find it likely. That is why I floated the idea out here as a last ditch attempt.


I thought Jespah's ideas were very good, but the advice she's gotten from others about "formulating a plan to escape" is likely flawed if her confidence level is so low that she can't execute the plan. I don't think she needs advice about making elaborate, multi-step plans, I think she needs to be put in contact with someone who can set things up for her pronto before her will to resist disappears completely.

I also don't know if the woman has children or not, and would like to know if they change the picture at all. I might post back to her on the other website and find out.

You’re correct, it’s not the 60’s thank goodness. But hospitals are to take care of sick or injured people. If she came in injured as a result of abuse that would be one thing. But a hospital isn’t equipped to make referrals to social services for someone coming in off the street with a non illness or injury related problem.

The police are there to enforce the law, and I said nothing about them sweeping something under the rug. She can call them if he abuses her at home, she can go to them and file a report if something happens, but they can’t do anything about crazy eyes and gaslighting. If by chance they show up at the house because the woman says “he scares me” do you really think that will change anything? More likely it will make her situation worse. Maybe much worse.

Actually you didn’t say the hospital/police were a last ditch effort, you said going to her HR dept was, which is a better place to start.

As I said in my first post, making/formulating a plan doesn’t mean some intricate multi step thing. But every plan needs a first step, like getting your mind straight about taking action, listening to what others have done, etc. what she’s doing now may be executing as much of a plan as she’s able at this moment. This is her journey and there’s no simple actions that may not end her up in a worse place.

Sounds to me she’s getting support, educating herself, and making herself strong enough to take action. It’s just not on our time.

I learned a long time ago when it comes to dealing with crazy, in particular a sociopath or psychopath, there is no “just do this”. They are usually 5 steps ahead of you, and it’s hard to catch one off guard.

Yes, Jes as usual gave excellent advice. My concern is that he knows exactly what she’s doing going online to support groups, watching online videos, etc. I imagine he does.

There are a number of things she should do:

1. Talk to a domestic violence shelter (many will actually help them plan their escape), or domestic violence advocates (who may both help her, and direct her to a shelter, if she is in need on one)
2. Talk to the police (because it creates an official record)
2a. Apply for a protection order from the relevant Court (I'm sure they exist in every western state by now. The police may also be able to take it out on her behalf, or sometimes domestic violence advocates will)
3. Send out emails to everyone, telling them what she is doing (not where she is going) and why. Or at the least, she sends web-based emails to her counsellor (even if she sees one just once).

Why does this need to be done? Again, it all about creating a record (or records). If her husband knows there is a record of her fears, he is much less likely to kill her (psychopaths have a strong sense of self interest - and because of that it, is also best not to make this overtly public. Some take drastic action against anyone they deem to have 'destroyed them' publicly, especially if business interests are affected, or if they become severely ostracised)

There may be other complications hindering her departure: kids, finances, transport, accomodation, having to move towns, lack of family support etc. That's why the shelters / advocacy are the first place to start. But she should be creating a paper trail right now.

Those are all excellent items Vikkor, and is what should be done.

However, I’m wondering if this is what Blinkers considers an intricate plan.

Intricate or not, it’s what needs to be done.

http://www.bocsar.nsw.gov.au/Pages/bocsar_pages/Apprehended-Violence-Orders-.aspx

The above study indicates that protection orders are around 80% effective - in the state of New South Wales, Australia at least.

There's some stuff she 'can' do that taken in small steps, can be effective.

-When doing laundry, wrap up an article of clothing in a small plastic bag and place it in the bottom of the trash can, under the regular bag. When the trash is full, take it out and throw the clothing off to one side. Later, when noone is around pick it up and find a safe hiding spot like under the stairs, deck or weeds.

-Place & tape small denominations of money under the silverware drawer or on top of a cabinet. Never enough to be noticeable...

-Start placing a picture or sticker in the front window every night and remove in the morning. You'd be surprised how many people will notice if it's not there in times of trouble.

-Tell your neighbor who lives behind you what's going on. Buy a small strobe light, place it in the back yard and plug it in to an extension cord . If in trouble, casually plug in the extension cord. It alerts the people behind you but not someone IN the house.

She needs to let people know what's happening. Abusers count on silence, it's how they continue the cycle. Even by letting one neighbor know there's an issue, it's helpful.

Good, sensible ideas, vikorr. I like how you are addressing the issues head on.

How to Get Out of an Abusive Relationship
Help for Abused and Battered Women Before and After You Leave

Getting out of an abusive or violent relationship isn’t easy. Maybe you’re still hoping that things will change or you’re afraid of what your partner will do if he discovers you’re trying to leave. Whatever your reasons, you probably feel trapped and helpless. But help is available. There are many resources available for abused and battered women, including crisis hotlines, shelters—even job training, legal services, and childcare. You deserve to live free of fear. Start by reaching out.

If you need immediate assistance, call 911 or your local emergency service.
For domestic violence helplines and shelters, click here.

If you're a man in an abusive relationship, read Help for Abused Men.

If you’re in an abusive relationship
Why doesn’t she just leave? It’s the question many people ask when they learn that a woman is being battered and abused. But if you are in an abusive relationship, you know that it’s not that simple. Ending an important relationship is never easy. It’s even harder when you’ve been isolated from your family and friends, psychologically beaten down, financially controlled, and physically threatened.

If you’re trying to decide whether to stay or leave, you may be feeling confused, uncertain, frightened, and torn. One moment, you may desperately want to get away, and the next, you may want to hang on to the relationship. Maybe you even blame yourself for the abuse or feel weak and embarrassed because you’ve stuck around in spite of it. Don’t be trapped by confusion, guilt, or self-blame. The only thing that matters is your safety.

If you are being abused, remember:

You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
You deserve to be treated with respect.
You deserve a safe and happy life.
Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.
Making the decision to leave an abusive relationship
As you face the decision to either end the abusive relationship or try to save it, keep the following things in mind:

If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.

If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences, abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. Most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

Abuse
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Recognizing the Signs and Getting Help

If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.

If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

Signs that your abuser is NOT changing:
He minimizes the abuse or denies how serious it really was.
He continues to blame others for his behavior.
He claims that you’re the one who is abusive.
He pressures you to go to couple’s counseling.
He tells you that you owe him another chance.
You have to push him to stay in treatment.
He says that he can’t change unless you stay with him and support him.
He tries to get sympathy from you, your children, or your family and friends.
He expects something from you in exchange for getting help.
He pressures you to make decisions about the relationship.
Safety planning for abused women
Whether or not you’re ready to leave your abuser, there are things you can do to protect yourself. These safety tips can make the difference between being severely injured or killed and escaping with your life.

Know your abuser’s red flags. Be on alert for signs and clues that your abuser is getting upset and may explode in anger or violence. Come up with several believable reasons you can use to leave the house (both during the day and at night) if you sense trouble brewing.

Identify safe areas of the house. Know where to go if your abuser attacks or an argument starts. Avoid small, enclosed spaces without exits (such as closets or bathrooms) or rooms with weapons (such as the kitchen). If possible, head for a room with a phone and an outside door or window.

Come up with a code word. Establish a word, phrase, or signal you can use to let your children, friends, neighbors, or co-workers know that you’re in danger and they should call the police.

Make an escape plan
Be ready to leave at a moment’s notice. Keep the car fueled up and facing the driveway exit, with the driver’s door unlocked. Hide a spare car key where you can get to it quickly. Have emergency cash, clothing, and important phone numbers and documents stashed in a safe place (at a friend’s house, for example).

Practice escaping quickly and safely. Rehearse your escape plan so you know exactly what to do if under attack from your abuser. If you have children, have them practice the escape plan also.

Make and memorize a list of emergency contacts. Ask several trusted individuals if you can contact them if you need a ride, a place to stay, or help contacting the police. Memorize the numbers of your emergency contacts, local shelter, and domestic violence hotline.

If you stay
If you decide at this time to stay with your abusive partner, there are some things you can try to make your situation better and to protect yourself and your children.

Contact a domestic violence or sexual assault program in your area. They can provide emotional support, peer counseling, safe emergency housing, information, and other services while you are in the relationship, as well as if you decide to leave.
Build as strong a support system as your partner will allow. Whenever possible, get involved with people and activities outside your home and encourage your children to do so.
Be kind to yourself! Develop a positive way of looking at yourself and talking to yourself. Use affirmations to counter the negative comments you get from the abuser. Allow yourself time for doing things you enjoy.
Source: Breaking the Silence Handbook

Protecting your privacy
Abusers often monitor their partner’s activities, including their phone, computer, and Internet use. You may be afraid to leave or ask for help out of fear that your partner will retaliate if he finds out. However, there are precautions you can take to stay safe and keep your abuser from finding out what you’re doing. When seeking help for domestic violence and abuse, it’s important to cover your tracks, especially when you’re using the home phone, a smartphone, or a computer.

Call from a friend’s or neighbor’s phone when seeking help for domestic violence, or use a public pay phone. It’s usually free to call the emergency services from most public phones, so know if there’s one near you in case of emergency.

Check your smartphone settings. There are smartphone apps your abuser can use to listen in on your calls, read your text messages, monitor your internet usage, or track your location. Consider turning it off when not in use or leaving it behind when fleeing your abuser.

Get a second cell phone. To keep your communication and movements private, consider purchasing a prepaid cell phone or another smartphone that your abuser doesn’t know about. Some domestic violence shelters offer free cell phones to battered women. Call your local hotline to find out more.

Call collect or use a prepaid phone card. Remember that if you use your own home phone, the phone numbers that you call will be listed on the monthly bill that is sent to your home. Even if you’ve already left by the time the bill arrives, your abuser may be able to track you down by the phone numbers you’ve called for help.

Use a safe computer. If you seek help online, you are safest if you use a computer outside of your home. While there are ways to delete your Internet history on a computer, tablet, or smartphone that your abuser has access to, this can be a red flag that you’re trying to hide something. Besides, unless you’re very technical, it can be almost impossible to clear all evidence of the websites that you’ve visited. Use a computer at work, the library, your local community center, a domestic violence shelter or agency, or borrow a smartphone from a friend.

Change your user names and passwords. In case your abuser knows how to access your accounts, create new usernames and passwords for your email, IM, online banking, and other sensitive accounts. Even if you don’t think your abuser has your passwords, he may have guessed or used a spyware or keylogging program to get them. Choose passwords that your abuser can’t guess (avoid birthdays, nicknames, and other personal information).

Protecting yourself from surveillance and recording devices
Your abuser doesn’t need to be tech savvy in order to use surveillance technology to monitor your movements and listen in on your conversations. Your abuser could be using:

Hidden cameras, such as a “Nanny Cam,”covert security cameras, or even a baby monitor to check in on you.

Smartphone apps that can enable your abuser to monitor your phone usage or track your movements.

Global Positioning System (GPS) devices hidden in your car, purse, on your phone, or other objects you carry with you. Your abuser can also use your car’s GPS system to see where you’ve been.

If you discover any tracking or recording devices or apps, leave them be until you’re ready to leave. While it may be tempting to remove them or shut them off, this will alert your abuser that you’re on to him.

Domestic violence shelters
A domestic violence shelter or women’s shelter is a building or set of apartments where abused and battered women can go to seek refuge from their abusers. The location of the shelter is kept confidential in order to keep your abuser from finding you.

Domestic violence shelters generally have room for both mothers and their children. The shelter will provide for all your basic living needs, including food and childcare. The length of time you can stay at the shelter is limited, but most shelters will also help you find a permanent home, job, and other things you need to start a new life. The shelter should also be able to refer you to other services for abused and battered women in your community, including:

Legal help
Counseling
Support groups
Services for your children
Employment programs
Health-related services
Educational opportunities
Financial assistance
If you go to a domestic violence shelter or women’s refuge, you do not have to give identifying information about yourself, even if asked. While shelters take many measures to protect the women they house, giving a false name may help keep your abuser from finding you, particularly if you live in a small town.

Protecting yourself after you’ve left
Keeping yourself safe from your abuser is just as important after you’ve left as before. To protect yourself, you may need to relocate so your former partner can’t find you. If you have children, they may need to switch schools.

To keep your new location a secret:

Get an unlisted phone number
Use a post office box rather than your home address
Apply to your state's address confidentiality program, a service that confidentially forwards your mail to your home
Cancel your old bank accounts and credit cards, especially if you shared them with your abuser. When you open new accounts, be sure to use a different bank
If you’re remaining in the same area, change up your routine. Take a new route to work, avoid places where your abuser might think to locate you, change any appointments he knows about, and find new places to shop and run errands. You should also keep a cell phone on you at all times and be ready to call 911 if you spot your former abuser.

Consider getting a restraining order or protective order against your abusive partner. However, remember that the police can enforce a restraining order only if someone violates it, and then only if someone reports the violation. This means that you must be endangered in some way for the police to step in.

If you are the victim of stalking or abuse, you need to carefully research how restraining orders are enforced in your neighborhood. Find out if the abuser will just be given a citation or if he will actually be taken to jail. If the police simply talk to the violator or give a citation, your abuser may reason that the police will do nothing and feel empowered to pursue you further. Or your abuser may become angry and retaliate.

Do not feel falsely secure with a restraining order!
You are not necessarily safe if you have a restraining order or protection order. The stalker or abuser may ignore it, and the police may do nothing to enforce it. To learn about restraining orders in your area of the U.S., call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or contact your state's Domestic Violence Coalition.

Taking steps to heal and move on
The scars of domestic violence and abuse run deep. The trauma of what you’ve been through can stay with you long after you’ve escaped the abusive situation. Counseling, therapy, and support groups for domestic abuse survivors can help you process what you’ve been through and learn how to build new and healthy relationships.

Woman on couch in therapy
Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal: How to Choose

After the trauma you’ve been through, you may be struggling with upsetting emotions, frightening memories, or a sense of constant danger that you just can’t kick. Or you may feel numb, disconnected, and unable to trust other people. When bad things happen, it can take a while to get over the pain and feel safe again. But treatment and support from family and friends can speed your recovery from emotional and psychological trauma. Whether the traumatic event happened years ago or yesterday, you can heal and move on.

Building healthy new relationships
After getting out of an abusive situation, you may be eager to jump into a new relationship and finally get the intimacy and support you’ve been missing. But it’s wise to go slow. Take the time to get to know yourself and to understand how you got into your previous abusive relationship. Without taking the time to heal and learn from the experience, you’re at risk of falling back into abuse.

Where to turn for help for domestic violence or abuse
Call 911 or your country’s emergency service number if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt. For a safe place to stay in the US, visit Womenslaw.org's state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters and advocates.

Helplines for advice and support
In the US: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE).

UK: call Women’s Aid at 0808 2000 247.

Australia: call 1800RESPECT at 1800 737 732.

Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of helplines, shelters, and crisis centers.

Resources and references
Domestic violence hotlines
National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) – A crisis intervention and referral phone line for domestic violence. Hotline staff access to translators for other languages. (National Domestic Violence Hotline)

State Coalition List – Lists the phone numbers for the state offices of the NCADV. These offices can help you find local support or a shelter from domestic violence, as well as free or low-cost legal services. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Domestic Violence Resources Directory – Lifesaving tools and immediate support to enable victims to find safety and live lives free of abuse. (Dating Advice)

Other Resources
Domestic Violence: Finding Safety & Support (PDF) – Guide for abused and battered women offers advice on getting safe, using the police or the courts, and finding support. (New York State Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence)

Breaking the Silence Handbook (PDF) – Help and advice for abused and battered women, including legal options. (Nebraska Health and Human Services)

Tour a Domestic Violence Shelter – Find out what you can expect at a typical women’s refuge or shelter and hear personal experiences of what life there is like. (Safe Horizon)

Safety when Preparing to Leave an Abuser – Guidelines for how to safely leave an abusive relationship, what to do if you've filed a restraining order, and what to do once you've left the relationship. (Women’s Law Initiative)

Internet Security – Gives detailed instructions on how to clear your computer’s Internet browser and email account from showing evidence of your seeking help for domestic abuse. (Women’s Law Initiative)

Assuring women it's not their fault they have fallen into a codependent relationship with an obsessive man shies away from fully confronting the reality of the situation and how it was caused.

The reality is that people have obsessive/addictive tendencies and those tendencies can be exploited to control them. This is how drug dealers make money off drug addicts and how women end up with men 'eating out of the hands' for everything from emotional needs to sexual gratification to food to house cleaning. The more you become a substitute for 'mommy,' the more difficulty a man is going to have with the prospect of you leaving him to fend for himself.

Now, although you want to have the freedom to be able to enter and leave relationships freely, you should do a little soul-searching about why you get into relationships to begin with. Obviously there is something lacking in you that feels empty or wanting when you are living alone and independent. You seek emotional companionship in the form of friendships, pets, and boyfriends. So you are already primed for codependency before you initiate the relationship.

Once a man validates your own feelings of emotional neediness by reflecting it to you, you feel better about your own sense of lack. Now this seemingly tough, independent guy is being sensitive and emotionally cooperative. You feel good that you are not the only one who wants a relationship and this validates you and him and you think a relationship is a good thing for this reason. However, after a while you are not satisfied or happy for whatever reason, so you want to call it quits and move on in your life; but he's not there (yet), so what then?

Ask yourself how you feel and what you do when the shoe is on the other foot. Lets say you are settling into what seems like a happy relationship with a man and he starts giving you signs that he is unhappy/unsatisfied. Do you try to figure out what could change so the relationship can continue or just give up and walk away? If you are a person who tries to accommodate the other person's needs/wants to continue the relationship, why wouldn't you expect a man to do the same when you start thinking about getting out of a relationship with him?

Now you might say, "ok, there is a time where you try to see if you can work it out but then if one of you still feels it has to end, then the other must respect that and walk away." That is true, but you must acknowledge how much it hurts for the person who has not realized the unsustainability of the relationship yet. Just like when you think you've found Mr. Right and he decides you're not worth him, a man you are leaving also feels like he is being 'womanized' by you no matter how gentle and kind you dress up your explanation of why you're leaving him.

So now listen to the song Womanizer by Brittany Spears and meditate on the anger and desire to retaliate that is expressed in that song and try to realize that this is how men feel when you want to leave them before they're ready. Of course you should expect a man to control himself and not threaten or abuse you for leaving him, but can you admit that you celebrate when you hear Brittany Spears (and/or Lilly Allen) sing Womanizer? People get angry at their partners when they feel used/abused and it's important to respect that feeling and realize it is the underlying cause for why people feel like retaliating against their exes.

Maybe the best thing to do is when you are in a relationship with a man, teach him about passive aggression by sharing songs like Womanizer or Lilly Allen's Smile ("at first when I see you cry, I get sad for a while, but then I just smile") or Robbie Williams' Break Up ("got my eyes shut, praying they won't stray . . . and when I'm sexed up, that's what makes the difference today, I hope you blow away") These kinds of songs/lyrics depict how you can feel hate and malice toward a partner who rejects you without actively trying to control/dominate/abuse them, and maybe that is the only way to escape a worse break-up fate, because relationships are emotional and people are already out of control of their emotions when they give in to a relationship in the first place, so how can you expect them to be calm and avoid drama when they're exiting one, especially if the choice to end was out of their control?

6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
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By Pamela Jacobs

When we think of abusive relationships, we often picture black eyes and broken bones. But while abuse often escalates to physical violence, it does not start out that way. In fact, abusers are often charming, attentive, and sweet in the beginning of a relationship. An abuser will work to make you feel so appreciated and loved, you won’t even notice he is controlling you — sometimes, until it’s too late. But, there are warning signs we can look out for, to help us spot an abusive relationship, before it goes too far.

1. He will romance you. He will buy you flowers and gifts. He will likely be the most romantic man you have ever met. He will pay attention to you and make you feel special and wanted. You may find yourself thinking that he is too good to be true — because he is. He needs you to trust him and develop feelings for him, because it is much easier to control someone who loves you. He will make you feel like you are his entire world — because he wants your world to revolve around him. Of course, just being romantic is not necessarily a sign of abuse. But, an abuser will often use these gifts and romance to distract you from other concerning behaviors, such as control and jealousy.

2. He will want to commit — quickly. He will say that it’s love at first sight, that you are made for each other, and that he can’t imagine his life without you. He will sweep you off your feet, and tell you he has never loved anyone this much. He will insist on being exclusive right away, and will likely want to move in together, or even get married, very quickly. He needs you to love him, and to belong to him. You may feel like the relationship is moving too quickly — trust your instincts.

3. He will want you all to himself. He will glare at other men for looking at you and question you about your male friends. You may think this jealousy is cute, or even loving — at first. But soon, he’ll make you feel guilty for spending time with friends or family. He will call or text you several times a day, and may accuse you of flirting or cheating. He will say he loves you so much, he can’t stand the thought of anyone else being near you. And soon, no one else will be. This is the beginning of isolation.

4. He will be very concerned about you. He may get upset if you don’t call him back right away or if you come home late. He will say it’s because he worries about you. He will start to question who you saw, where you went, and what you were doing. He will mask his control as concern for your well-being. He will start to make decisions for you — who you spend time with and where you go — and claim to know what’s best for you. Soon, you’ll be asking his approval for every decision. Your control over your own life will slip away, as his power and control grows.

5. He will be sweet and caring — sometimes. He will be the sweet, loving man who everyone else sees, and who you fell in love with. But, sometimes, he will become the man who puts you down, makes you feel guilty, and isolates you. He will make you believe that if you just did something differently, loved him more, or treated him better, he would be that sweet, loving man all the time. You will stay because of your hope for the man you love, but will spend most of your time being controlled by the man who hurts you. Eventually, you won’t be able to tell the difference.

6. He will play the victim. If he gets in trouble at work, it’s someone else’s fault. If he has a bad day, someone is out to get him. And if he is upset, he will blame you for his feelings and actions. He will expect you to make him happy and fulfilled — and when he’s not, he will blame you. He may apologize for yelling, putting you down, or hurting you, but will always find a way to make it your fault. He will say things like, “It’s just that I love you so much,” or “I wish you didn’t make me so crazy.” Eventually, he will blame you for making him hit you.

If these warning signs are happening in your relationship, even if he has not hit you (yet), this is abuse. Control, jealousy, and isolation are not love. And abusive behavior will not change — no matter how hard you try, or how much you love him. This man may seem like your dream come true, but soon, he will become your worst nightmare.

The only thing I think you're missing with all this is that anyone desperate enough for a relationship to read all this and then seek out ways of defining their relationship as 'non-abusive' is just as bent on control, or more so, than someone who goes crazy with romance and commitment and then becomes controlling. Everyone wants control over their lives, so people who engage in romantic relationships necessarily want control over their partners to get what they want and avoid the problem of being controlled. The only way to avoid the codependency of control is to simply avoid relationships. Even that is a form of control, but it is controlling your own life by avoiding getting involved with controlling and/or being controlled by someone else in a relationship.

Ultimately you just need to be friendly with people you meet and/or interact with. Stay positive and share helpful information with others, but then move on. Don't establish more than casual interaction and chance friendship. Don't try to depend on others or expect them to trust in and rely on you. Be a butterfly. Don't engage in activities that are likely to cause obsession/attachment, such as sex or other erotic interactions. If you keep things light and unattached, you will avoid a lot of drama. Don't be sad and lonely or otherwise feel like you miss romance and passion or you will be cultivating a fire of codependency within yourself even before you start looking for that partner who will seem great at first and turn out to be your enemy during a breakup.

The premise of the post is to help OP advise someone in need of help. It wasn't meant for you to challenge what professionals say or to add your own spin on how/why people find themselves in difficult situations.

Yes, understanding the situation helps and you are accusing me of challenging professionals but I am just clarifying what goes on with relationship codependency. That helps, believe it or not.

edit: I just realized that you are trying to assert your boundaries and territoriality over this thread by excluding me because you don't like my POV, so I tried deleting my former posts to accommodate your need for control, but the system won't let me, so please just ignore them and I won't post in this thread anymore because I really don't want to play control-submission games with you.

Only if explained in a way that people can relate to.

Did you read the entire post you are quoting? I told Neptuneblue I wouldn't post anymore in this thread, because she is going to keep complaining that I am 'challenging professionals' and otherwise accuse me of harming victims. I think she is the one harming and promoting victimhood with the way she thinks, but I hate dealing with victim-control people because they accuse you of being abusive when you don't submit to their controlling expectations. They abuse the label of abuser to control others, but because they pull the alarm first, you complaining about them doing it just makes you look like you're accusing them back to deflect.