marriage almost over :(

J_B wrote:

Do you mind if I ask how old your wife is? I have a slightly different take on all of this. There is a theory of aging and development that says people continue to go through ages and stages throughout their adult life just like they did when they were children. Women tend to have major life changes around the mid-decade (24-26, etc) and men tend to have them later in the decade, as they approach the next one (say 28 or 9, 38 or 9, 48 or 9). The classic midlife crisis of adult males as they approach 50 and start looking for a younger girlfriend, or buy a sports car for the first time, or grow their hair long, to remind them of their youth is a good example.

Women tend to have their first life quest in their mid 20s (not counting the adolescent upheaval many girls go through in their mid-teens). Sometimes they make major changes in the direction of their lives, sometimes they get through this stage with some questioning of what the future holds and decide what they have is fine. In your initial post you stated the two of you have been married for 6 years and that you married young and have 2 children. I'm guessing she is looking at her life choices and questioning how she got to be where she is right now. If there's something to this that rings true you can get more info in the book, "Passages" by Gail Sheehey.

She is in her early 20's im in my mid 20's. We have been together since she was 15.

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yes she has told me that she loves both our girls and would not trade them for anything in this world, but that siad, were she is at now she did not plan on being when she was younger. Both her mom n her sister got pregnant at 15 and she did not want to end up like that. But she did get preg at 16. about a year after we meet. Unlike her mom n sis, she was very smart in school, had a 3.9gpa when she graduated HS, but becuase she got preg n we got married, she put her school asside and became a full time mom for two years. So she never went to college like she wanted to.

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hmmm, Even if it isn't a typical age thing, I'm still thinking she is saddened, possibly to the point of depression, about the life choices she had made. It's hard to explain to someone what's wrong when you don't know what it is yourself. All you know is that something doesn't feel right. I went through a similar period when I was 24 and had been married for 5 years. I couldn't explain it, but for some reason the very idea of celebrating my 5th anniversary at the age of 24 depressed me. Someone recommended I read "Passages" and it really helped turn me around. Is you wife getting any kind of counselling?

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J_B wrote:

hmmm, Even if it isn't a typical age thing, I'm still thinking she is saddened, possibly to the point of depression, about the life choices she had made. It's hard to explain to someone what's wrong when you don't know what it is yourself. All you know is that something doesn't feel right. I went through a similar period when I was 24 and had been married for 5 years. I couldn't explain it, but for some reason the very idea of celebrating my 5th anniversary at the age of 24 depressed me. Someone recommended I read "Passages" and it really helped turn me around. Is you wife getting any kind of counselling?

Yeah she has been depressed for some time now, but it really got bad afte she lost her job about 7mo ago. She has told me many times that she doesnt know what she wants n doesnt know who she is. I tried to ask her to see a councelor but she does not want to, and gets mad if i keep asking her. And i do kind of get upset about tha because i pay alot of money to have good health insurance and we hardly ever use it. All because she does not want to pay the $35 copay Sad

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well two weeks ago i had asked her to stop talking to this guy she said r just friends. She said ok. a week passed and i checked online for her cell bill and she still keeped talking to him, not as much but still everyday. I confronted her about it last sunday and she saidthey r just friends n she did want to stop talkign to him but still keeped on talkign to him. i then asked her for his name again and she said no she would not tell me and that there is no reason for me to know his name. Evil or Very Mad

we argued for awhile i told her i would call the number n she got madand said no then later just said do what ever u want.

i called the number and talked to some guy and he siad he didnt know any woman by that name. Im sure he is lying. There is like 4 guys living in that house and he said as far as he knew none knows my wife.

so on monday night i talked to her again. asking to tell me his name and she said no. i then told her if she didnt want to tell me then to leave the house because i was tired of her lies and he not telling my about this guy. She said they r just friend and she wasnt even going to talk to him anymore but that she would still not tell me his name. I then said ok, well i want u to leave, she said ok. Mad

i told her the girls would not be going with her becuase its not their fault.

the next day she tried to tell me she woudnt leave without the girls, but i told her it was too late and that she needs to accept the concecunses of choosing to protect the indentity of that guy that is soposedly just her friend. i told her no, when u have money for ur own apt then we can talk about her getting the girls half of the week. So she got her stuff n left.

i so would like to belive that this guy is nobody to her, but how much they talked just on the cell and the fact that she left her two girls that she so loves , just so that she can protect the guys identity and so that i dont talk to him tell me different.

so far she has been at her moms since tuesday and she doesnt seem to be acting any different in the little times that we have talked since. We will talk on friday morning about the girls and some other issues still open. i wil try n ask her why she is dong this and why she is protecting some who she has said is none one special to her.

the firt day was not that hard, but all i cant think of now is who this guy is and how far has their relation ship gone Sad

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If you have some money you can hire a private detective and I promise within a couple of weeks he can give you the real story.
You might be able to get a referral from your local police departments. Sometimes when detectives retire they go into this line of work. Better to find out the truth.

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What's your goal with this BBK? Is finding out who he is going to make things any different? You said yourself she's chosen his identity over you and your duaghters. Why does his name change any of that?

I'm not saying you should let it go, but I think you should figure out what you want to do with that information once you have it before you make yourself crazy.

Good luck!

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Green Witch wrote:

If you have some money you can hire a private detective and I promise within a couple of weeks he can give you the real story.
You might be able to get a referral from your local police departments. Sometimes when detectives retire they go into this line of work. Better to find out the truth.

thanks for the info, i may end up doing something like that if she continues to do the same things she always has.

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As someone previously stated, what are you going to do with the real story?
I doubt it will help the situation at all. The trust is broken and that is a very fragile thing. It doesn't make sense to pick some guy over both you and her children. She seems like a very twisted person and I would try to move on.

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J_B wrote:

What's your goal with this BBK? Is finding out who he is going to make things any different? You said yourself she's chosen his identity over you and your duaghters. Why does his name change any of that?

I'm not saying you should let it go, but I think you should figure out what you want to do with that information once you have it before you make yourself crazy.

Good luck!

i guess all i want is the trurh, i would like to know his name so that i can ask for him when i call the number were he lives at. im just so tired of not being left haingin in regards to my marriage, just because my wife does not know what she wants or does not want to tell me the truth of her relation ship with this other man.

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I'm not sure the truth will do much to ease your mind.
Because if you look at the possible outcomes of learning what is really going on, it will probably just confuse you further, or make you more angry. What I would hope for is that she comes to her senses and realizes how stupid she's been. It would be more healthy for her to come to you and tell you everything, but if she's not willing to do it(and it may take awhile). She isn't worth your time.

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BBK:

I think you know the truth. Your wife is not committed to the marriage. She got married way too young, she started having children right away, and she missed out on growing up. She had to be a responsible adult and mother when she was still a kid herself. She may habor some resentment for being tied down so young, but it was her choice at the time. Maybe she's finally realizing that she truly wasn't ready to be a wife and mother at the age of 16.

Nevertheless, she's looking outside of her marriage in search of happiness. She has found another man whom she confides in and talks to on a daily basis. It doesn't matter if you know his name or not. He exists. And your wife agreed to leave the family home -- without the children -- because separating herself from you (and the kids) gives her more time to spend with her new "friend" without having to explain her whereabouts or having to make excuses for going out. He is meeting her needs for attention and conversation and her attachment to him is growing.

Unless your wife is willing to give up her male friend and (instead of talking to him) start talking to you about her feelings and her needs, there is no hope for your marriage. It takes two to save a marriage and to build a better relationship. She doesn't want to do her part.

You deserve better than an emotionally- and physically-detached wife who mopes around the house and only stays with you because she doesn't know what else to do with her life . . . either she wants you or she doesn't. An option is making an appointment with a good divorce attorney and having your wife served with divorce papers. If she wants you, getting served with divorce papers will be a sombering wake-up call that she better get her act together or lose you. If she doesn't want the marriage, then you will know where you stand.

Best wishes.

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marriage almost over :(

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