marriage almost over :(

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we have been married for almost 6 years, we have 2 young kids and we also got married young.

we had been having some problems with our marriage for about a year now, but about 4 weeks ago she told me she wasnt happy Sad

i knew we had problems but i never knew that she wasnt happy. ive always thought i was a good husband, and have always treated he with all respect.

so basically right now she wants me to leave her alone, she doesnt know if she wants to be with me anymore and she also does know what she wants. All that she knows at this moment is that she wants me to leave her alone and let her do what ever she wants. She likes to go out on weekend with her sister to clubs and she doesnt want me to go with her. She stoped wanting to have sex about two months ago, but before that we would have sex like once or twice a month because most of the time she just dindnt want to. she said she just wasnt in the mood and didnt want to have sex. two weeks ago she started to cover her self up when getting out of the shower. Shes normally not a shy person with me, shes always walked around naked after taking a shower or when chaning, now she doent want me to look at her naked at all and even locks the door when taking a shower. ive confronted her about that and she said she just doesnt want to temp me and doesnt feel confortable about me seing her naked. Sad

ive aksed her a couple of times if shes seing someone else and she has said no that she would not do that to me, that she would first end our marriage before even looking for someone else. She has also said that she still loves me but that she just doesnt know what she wants anymore.
Sometimes shes real cold and sometimes shes real warm and loving towards me. It changes on a dayly basis.

She is also very tought to talk to, she has told me that she doesnt want to talk about it, she has always been that type of person that never likes to talk about her problems she just keeps things iside and tires to ignore them hoping they go away. when ever we talk i do about 99% of the talking and she just sits there n listens and never coments on anything of what i say.

all my friends that i talk to about this just tell me that she just doesnt want to be with me anymore and to just leave her alone for now because if not i will push her away more.

ive told her i love her more so much n would be willing to do anything to make he happy, she just sais she doesnt want me to do anything but to leave her alone and ler her wokr it out.

in the mean time she still goes out on the weekends to clubs and likes to spend time alone at her sisters or mother house Sad

she just tellms me she needs some space and time to her self with her fam.

ive tried asking her for both of us to go to see a fam councelor or something like that but shes refuses to go and she gets mad if i keep asking her.

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A separation sounds like the best solution. The more you cling to her and talk to her, the more she wants to be left alone.

She's not in a place in her life where she can appreciate what she has . . . and I think you ought to give her a LOT of space to figure it out. Let her know by your actions that you know how to be happy with or without her.

Move out. Get an inexpensive place of your own or move in with your parents. Take the kids a couple of evenings every week and on weekends. Let her go out to her heart's content. Exchange the kids at a neutral location -- let the family home be HER DOMAIN where she can feel safe and unthreatened. Don't make any emotional demands or appeals. Either she wants you or she doesn't . . . she needs to figure that out all on her own without feeling tormented or torn.

Right now, she's feeling like a caged bird. Set her free and let her fly. If she flies back to you on her own volition, then maybe you have a marriage that is worth saving. If she simply wants her freedom, let her have it. You don't want to be with her if you have to beg and plead for her love and attention. YOU deserve better than that.

Best wishes to you as you go through this difficult time.

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thanks for your reply. Seems like eveyone is telling me the same thing, and i do agree with it. Its just so hard to actually do it. leave her alone and wait for her to make up her mind. I love her so much still even with her doing this. And she also makes it harder for me because of the fact that she still says she loves me.
For all previews 6mo when she stoped wanting to have sex or even talk about sex, i would someties feel that maybe i dint want to be with her, and even thought about cheating on her just to get sex on the side. But when it came down to it i knew i could never do it becuase i loved her so much. I could never cheat or even leave her just over sex. So its so hard for me to understad that she still loves but does not know if she wants to be with me.

also before we had kids she had always been very slender , but after the pregnancy she gained alot of weight and got alot of strech marks and she never lost the weight. So that made her very self concius and very negative about her self and her body. even after she gained the weight i would still tell her that she looked pretty but she would alwyas say no i dont im ugly. Recently she has been on a diet and has lost some of the weight , ive told her shes looking great and looks beutifull, but even now she still says shes ugly n fat Sad

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BBK wrote:

Its just so hard to actually do it. leave her alone and wait for her to make up her mind. . . .

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

You don't need to "wait for her to make up her mind." If you act like some sorrowful fellow who is mooning and waiting, you won't appear attractive to her. If you're clinging to her from the same room, or from a different room, or from a different place altogether . . . she will still feel the clinging and will move even farther away from you emotionally.

Be a strong, independent man who can stand on his own two feet and take responsibility for his own happiness. Involve yourself and your children in some fun activities. When they go home and tell mommy what they did with daddy, they should be all smiles. You don't want them reporting to mommy that daddy is sad. When you're not working and when you're not spending time with your children, find something interesting to occupy your time.

Be responsible for your own happiness . . . don't place it all on her shoulders.

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Re: marriage almost over Sad

BBK wrote:

ive told her i love her more so much n would be willing to do anything to make he happy, she just sais she doesnt want me to do anything but to leave her alone and ler her wokr it out.

Just like YOU need to be responsible for YOUR own happiness . . . she needs to be responsible for HER own happiness. You cannot MAKE her happy. She has to find happiness on her own . . . and if she needs counseling to determine WHY she isn't happy . . . she needs to make the decision to go to counseling. You can't force it on her.

It isn't easy for you, but sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself and your wife is simply to do what she asked . . . leave and let her work it out. But, don't place your life and your happiness on hold.

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thanks alot for your help, your comments and adivise is really helpfull. I will try my best to give her all the space she needs and try to keep my self ocupied with other things and try to spend as much time with my kids. Smile

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BBK:

Visit the marriage builder's website and read the articles. Maybe you can encourage your wife to read the articles too . . . and perhaps that will spur your wife to open up and discuss her feelings.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

I don't understand why she won't talk to you and tell you why she is so unhappy . . .

Check out the following:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5056_qa.html

Pay attention to the "enemies of conversation" and see if maybe any of these enemies have crept into your conversations and have caused her to keep her feelings inside rather than to share them.

Best wishes.

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Thanks alot, ill visit those sites today Smile

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I halfway agree with Debra (my future second wife). IMO however, you can't be taken for granted. Her emotional crises is all fine and good, but this has got to be hell for you and she needs to know that you have already put up with too much. Going to clubs with your sister and telling you she doesn't want to come along is a blatent slap in your face, and IMO is completely unacceptable. Why do you go to clubs other than to meet men (or at least to flirt) (PS, your wife should certainly be alowed to go to clubs if she wants, but you should allways be welcome to go with)("girl nights" are also fine and normal, but thats not the vibe I'm getting from these excusions (I may be wrong)). I just couldn't imagine if my marriage was on the rocks, sitting by and watching my wife get dressed up in club gear and go out drinking and dancing and telling me I was not welcome to come along, what man could take that? If she cared about you at all, she would work out her issues and make her decisions without doing things like this. The clubs can wait until AFTER she decides that your marriage is over. Debs is right -- split up, but she also needs to know that you may not be there when she gets back, and you need to tell her that, and maybe go to a few "clubs" yourself to show her that you are going to be waiting for her everytime she comes home.

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the problem is that spliting up right now is not really an option, i personally want to try other things before we take it to that. Also we just got a new Xtera 3 weeks ago and a week later she got fired from her job Sad

so right now she has no job so she has no money to move out get an app and pay for her new xterra.

Another things like i said before was that she stoped wanting to have sex with me completely about 2 months ago Sad

and about 3 weeks ago she now doesnt want me to see her naked. This whole week so far has been good, we havent argued or talked much about our problems so she has been acting almost normal, but still going to the store or getting her nails done by her self. and then tonight she was going exercising and i was talking to her about other stuff and while she was changing i was jsut there talking to her, we were int he room and our little girl was sleeping in our bed, so the light was off while she was chaning, she didnt make a big deal when chaning from jeans to pants but when she was going to put on her sports braw she just put it on top of her regular braw then turned around and took off her regular braw underneath her sports braw. I asked her if she still felt unconfortable about me seing her naked and without hesitation she said yes and then i said ok well i just want to let you konw that if i will not touch u in any way you dont want to be touched or just sit there n stare just because i see u naked n we dont have sex. She just said ok and said she didnt want to talk about it right now. Sad

she finised chaning and before she left i just told her that im not presuring her but that it would make me feel much better if she started to trust me again and would not worry about me seing her naked, she just said ok not really paying attentionn and left to go exercise.

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Hmmm...I don't want to jump to bad conculsions, but I would say from her behavior she is having an affair. She thinks she is in love with some else. She is avoiding you sexually, even to the point of not changing in front of you, because she feels she would be betraying the other person. I only say this because I have a very close friend who did just this. She cheated on her husband of 8 years (also 2 kids) and described doing exactly what your wife is doing. She claimed she felt "out of the marriage" and wanted to be "faithful" to the new guy. She still felt love for her husband and didn't want to hurt him - so she lied- a lot. Wish I had some brilliant advice, but I don't - ... hope I'm wrong.

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now for the othe bad part.

ever since she started to go out every weekend, i got all paranoid and started to check her cell phones calls online since we have a familly plan and online it list all current incoming n outgoing calls per cell.

and found one # that i could not verify. did a reverse lookup online n found it was a home phone registered to some guy. Sad

the first time she called the number ever, was one night she stayed out till 4am. then she would call it every few days, this was about 4 weeks ago. then 2 weeks later i asked her about it n she said itwas prob her sisters but didnt knwo why it was under someone else name. ok at that time i was tired of arguing n jsut let it go. so a week ago i started to check it again. this time i saw that she stoped calling it for about two weeks after i asked her about it, then started calling it again. she only calls it when she is out or while im at work since shes home all day. i think sat she called it and talked for 90min !!!! yes 90 min, ive never talked to anyone that long on my cell. then on tueday she called it again and talked to the number for 50min, that time was when she was at the nail place getting her nails n feet done. ive traces the number n name to an address thats not too far fromhere and even drone by it once. it was a normal house. I know she has friends from school that she talks to that i dont really know were they live but i know the live in the same town. THe othe thing is that now she keeps her cell on her at all times and when she goes to sleep keeps it in her purse. she never leaves it around or charging in her desk when i here.
I dont know what to thingk , it coudl very well jsut be a a friend of hers but it also could be some guy. SHe has swore in the kids that she is not cheating or ever would. So i dont konw what to think. i def wont say anything till i am able to get more info on who it is she is talking to.

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Green Witch wrote:

Hmmm...I don't want to jump to bad conculsions, but I would say from her behavior she is having an affair. She thinks she is in love with some else. She is avoiding you sexually, even to the point of not changing in front of you, because she feels she would be betraying the other person. I only say this because I have a very close friend who did just this. She cheated on her husband of 8 years (also 2 kids) and described doing exactly what your wife is doing. She claimed she felt "out of the marriage" and wanted to be "faithful" to the new guy. She still felt love for her husband and didn't want to hurt him - so she lied- a lot. Wish I had some brilliant advice, but I don't - ... hope I'm wrong.

wow that is very sad to hear. i could never forgive her if she is cheatin on me and worse if she lied to my face and used out kids names to make me belive her.

I started seing a marrage couuncelor today, ive told her most of it exept about her not wanting to let me see her naked and the telephone things cause we ran out of time. I go next week i will prob tell her that then.

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Ok from what you say...

1) there is a damn good chance your wife is having an affair.
2) even if she isn't, she is going out to clubs with her sister and not inviting you, and seems to be doing everything she can to avoid being around you.

You say you don't want to split up becuase she lost her job? From what I've heard so far (and we have only heard half of the story), she can cry you a river. You have no obligation to someone who is cheating on you. What if you did "try other things" and manage to work it out? Would you be convinced she stayed with you becuase she wanted to, or because she just had nowhere else to go? You said she goes to the clubs with her sister and her moms house, she can live with them.

The tone of your posts sound devastated and hurt, and rigthfully so, but you should have a good helping of anger in there to, which I don't see. Allowing yourself to get a little angry may help you do the things you need to do to, which IMO is...

Give your wife two options. 1) Split up and move out (or you move out, but it sounds like you are the only one who can suppourt the kids, so its more logical that she finds a new place), or 2) Stop going out with her sister or this mystery man every night and commit to seeing a counseler- She needs space? Thats fine, but "space to work out her issues" doesn't need to be space to go to night clubs or on dates with another man, those things just hurt you, and they are creating issues for you and your wife, not "working on them". You have already given her enough leeway, I think its time to start naming some terms, or looking for your way out.

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well im pretty sure she is not cheating. Even if she has done some wierd things. She does have a guy friend tha she talks to but swears that they r only friends n there is nothing going on between them. She also said that she will stop talking to him because its not helping anything right now. She does want to seperate but not divorce because she thinks that maybe the seperation might bring us back together. She doesnt want to see or date other people she said, she wants to spend time to her self to get to know who she is and to see what she wants in life. She also wants to spend more time with our two girls. I think there is a very slim chance we get back together because we have changed so much and she has so many personal issues going on in her head that once we seperate it will prob be the end.
I really hope that doesnt happen, i hope that we get back together and have a wonderfull marriage, but at the same time i have to be realistic and not hold my breath for it.
There is really nothing more i can do for her, i need to let her go and see if she comes back on her own.
All i can do now is look back at all the mistakes i made in the marrage and try to learn from them, and not make those same mistakes next time. wether its with my wife or with someone else.

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Many people just grow in different directions. Remember that the concept of a marriage lasting a lifetime was developed when women rarely lived through a second child birth and men died before their 40th birthday. We are here so much longer that it's hard to keep a relationship fresh for both people. If it becomes time to move on - do it with grace and love and as little bitterness as possible. One way or another - this too shall pass.
Good luck.

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The more you tell us, the more convinced I am that the others are right. Your wife is either having an affair or is on the verge of having an affair.

Check out the following website:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

Quote:

The unsuspecting jilted spouse usually senses a problem when an affair begins. For one thing, an affair usually takes up quite a bit of time, and all sorts of excuses are given to be away from home -- having to work late, impulsive trips to the store and unexplained absences from work -- they all become more and more difficult to believe. Telephone records and credit card receipts are carefully hidden, for if they are found, they will often reveal the scope of the affair.

When the spouses are together, an emotional distance usually prevails. Sex is almost always a problem for women who are having an affair, and many men having an affair find they cannot make love to their wives, either. In many cases, intimacy in marriage becomes so bad that a separation is requested to "sort things out." An affair is often suspected by the jilted spouse, but almost always vigorously denied by the offending spouse. . . .

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings.

Give your wife the link and ask her to read the materials on the website.

But, the bottom line is that your marriage can't be saved unless BOTH of you are committed to making it work.

Best wishes, BBK. I know you're going through a difficult time. If you read all the materials / articles on the marriage builders website, you will be armed with all the tools necessary to build better relationships in the future whether it be with your wife . . . or with someone else. Take care of yourself and your precious children.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/

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everything that she has done points to an affair. to who ever i tell thats the first and only thing thay comes to mind. The thing is that ive confronted her about it 3 times and every time she tells me to my face that she is not doing anynthing wrong and that she is not having an affair and would never do that to me.
This morning i got her to talk to me about the problems and the things that went wrong in our marriage. We talked and it was good, she has also started talking to me more obout her growing up and the issues she had to deal with with her mom. The only bad things is everything we talked about only reinforced that she defenatly wants to seperate. I guess thats also why this whole day ive been so dam depressed.

another things is that the no sex part didnt just happen over night. Her lack of interest in sex started about a year ago. She just slowly didnt want to have sex as much. and after our second baby was born n we stoped having sex becase of the birth, her wanting sex became less n less. At first i was understanding because of the pregnancy. But after 3 or 4mo i started to push her more. At first i tried talking to her but she just didnt want to hear it. Then later i just started to push her more into having sex. Then sometimes she would just give in n let me have sex with her, but 90% of the time she would not even try to enjoy it no matter how hard i tired to get her to enjoy it.
She told me today she just got to the point were she just decided if she didnt want to have sex, she wasnt going to at all no matter what i said or how bad i made her feel about it. She just didnt want to n that was it.

i really dont know what to do anymore, i dont know if i want to find out if she is cheating. She is going to leave anyway, and i dont know if me finding out if she is cheating or not will make me feel better.

Debrea: Right now she is not commited to doing anything about our marrage, she wants to move out, figure her self out n spend time with our two girls.
I guess thats why its so hard for me to accept it becuse she never gave me the change to do anything about it before she made up her mind that she wanted to leave.

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Debra, thanks for all those helpfull links.

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Do you mind if I ask how old your wife is? I have a slightly different take on all of this. There is a theory of aging and development that says people continue to go through ages and stages throughout their adult life just like they did when they were children. Women tend to have major life changes around the mid-decade (24-26, etc) and men tend to have them later in the decade, as they approach the next one (say 28 or 9, 38 or 9, 48 or 9). The classic midlife crisis of adult males as they approach 50 and start looking for a younger girlfriend, or buy a sports car for the first time, or grow their hair long, to remind them of their youth is a good example.

Women tend to have their first life quest in their mid 20s (not counting the adolescent upheaval many girls go through in their mid-teens). Sometimes they make major changes in the direction of their lives, sometimes they get through this stage with some questioning of what the future holds and decide what they have is fine. In your initial post you stated the two of you have been married for 6 years and that you married young and have 2 children. I'm guessing she is looking at her life choices and questioning how she got to be where she is right now. If there's something to this that rings true you can get more info in the book, "Passages" by Gail Sheehy.

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marriage almost over :(

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